Seek Me With All Your Heart

by Beth Wiseman

  They sat quietly for a moment.

  “How is Emily? I mean, has she been able to move forward? Is she starting to heal?”

  Vera sighed. “I don’t know, Lillian. Emily didn’t want us to talk to anyone about what happened to her, and looking back, I’m not sure if agreeing to Emily’s wishes was the right thing to do. But it was hard for all of us to face friends and other family members without saying anything to them. We weren’t exactly lying, but we certainly weren’t being truthful either.” Vera closed her eyes for a moment, sniffed, then looked back at Lillian. “I try to always be upbeat around her, never let my feelings show in front of her. I try to make things as normal as possible, and sometimes I do extra for her, more than for Jacob, Levi, or even Betsy. Even if it’s just to make her favorite foods, or give her a little extra spending money to go to market, little things like that. But she doesn’t seem to have an interest in much, and she’s . . .” Vera straightened and shifted on the bed. “She’s very ugly to me sometimes. And that’s all right, I reckon. She has a right to be mad at the world, I suppose. I do wonder if her faith is strong enough to see her through this.” Vera swallowed hard. “Because my faith has certainly slipped, at a time when I need it most.”

  Lillian spoke more softly than before. “Maybe just realizing that, Vera, is a step in the right direction. I believe you and your family to be grounded in your faith, and we all slip. It doesn’t mean we aren’t gut Christians. Pray about it, Vera, and I will be praying daily for you and Emily both.”

  “You know . . .” Vera thought about her recent conversations with Emily. “Emily seems angry with me about what happened. And, Lillian, I’ve gone over it in my mind a thousand times, how I could have prevented it from happening. She went for a walk while we weren’t home.” Vera shook her head as she recalled Emily’s statements the night of the rape. “I think she knows who her attacker is, but she won’t tell a soul, and that worries me too. But what kind of man does such a thing, Lillian?” Vera shuddered slightly. “And Emily turned away from all the young men her age after this happened, refused to be friends with any of them. Then when we moved here, she wouldn’t even work in the store by herself. She’s afraid, and I hate that.”

  Lillian rubbed her back with one hand. “Emily doesn’t seem afraid of David. And I’m sure they are fine. But, Vera, I can see why you would fly into a tailspin and worry about her.”

  “It’s not about David, Lillian. I just got scared. The last time Emily was late, after dark, she came home with blood on her head, crying, and . . .” Vera started to cry again. “Please forgive me if I made out like David might do some horrible act like that, because that’s not what I meant, and . . .”

  Lillian continued to rub Vera’s back. “I know that, Vera. I know.”

  “I’ve never talked to anyone about this, Lillian. Elam and I had been considering a move for a while—a place that would be better for Levi, and somewhere that would provide more opportunities for all of us. Then, after this happened to Emily, we knew it was time.” Vera took a deep breath before going on. “But I know that my faith has been affected . . . and I wonder how much Emily’s faith has been affected too.”

  “Time and prayer heal. And I know you know that.” Lillian smiled. “Just a gentle reminder, my friend.”

  Vera smiled. “one. Even my husband. I’m so glad it was with you, and not with Emily. I wouldn’t want her to ever see me like this. I try to be strong for her.”Danki, Lillian. For letting me release all this pent up emotion I’ve been carrying around, hiding from every

  Lillian folded her hands in her lap and sighed. “Motherhood is the most rewarding job on the planet, but often the most challenging.”

  Vera nodded as she considered whether or not this was the right time to question Lillian about their move from Lancaster County. Perhaps Lillian needed a friend to open up to. “Lillian, please forgive me if I’m being too nosey, but I get a strong sense that your family moved here for reasons other than you mentioned. I hope and pray that something bad didn’t happen to your family to drive you away from those you love, like us. And if you’d rather not say, I understand, and—”

  “No, it’s all right.” Lillian cleared her throat, then seemed to force a smile. “We didn’t have a tragedy, nothing like what happened to your family. Our reasons for coming here are a bit embarrassing.”

  Vera shook her head. “Oh, Lillian, please don’t tell me if it will make you uncomfortable. I shouldn’t have asked.”

  “Actually, it would do me gut to talk about it.” Lillian pulled her eyes from Vera’s, tapped her feet against the wooden floor for a moment, then took a deep breath. “We were having terrible financial problems, and I didn’t know my husband had mortgaged our farm.” Lillian stirred uneasily on the bed next to Vera. “I should have known, though. I should have realized that the cost of David’s medications was—”

  “Medication? Is David sick?” He didn’t look sick to Vera.

  “Not anymore, but David had a kidney transplant five years ago, and the medication he has to take daily is very expensive.” Lillian let out a tiny gasp. “But, Vera, David doesn’t know about this. We didn’t lie to him, but we also didn’t tell him about the financial problems. We didn’t want him to have any kind of guilt. And Samuel and I know that David will be going off on his own someday. He’ll have to know what the medications cost, but we just didn’t want him to know that played a part in our falling behind on everything.” Lillian locked eyes with Vera and chewed on her bottom lip for a moment before she went on. “But honestly, Vera . . . I’m not sure we did the right thing either. We told a few family members about our financial troubles, but I’m not convinced that we shouldn’t have been more truthful with David.”

  Vera sighed. “I can understand why you did what you did. You just wanted to protect David. It sounds like he’s been through a lot.” She shook her head. “As mothers, we try to protect our children, but sometimes it’s hard to know where to draw the line and let God take over.”

  Lillian nodded. “By selling our farm and owning this house free and clear, we can save for the future and help David to have a edly. “Although, getting this place somewhat livable will take some of that savings.”gut financial foundation when he starts a family of his own.” She shrugged, then smiled. “Right or wrong, we’re here now, and all we can do is make the best of it and pray that we’ve made good decisions.” Then she chuckled lightheart

  “Lillian, I am committed to help you get this place in order. And I know Elam will be too.”

  “Danki, Vera. But don’t pity us. We’re more blessed than most. David’s uncle gave him a kidney, and he’ll go on to live a healthy, full life. And our girls are healthy, so that is the most important thing.”

  Vera reached out and hugged Lillian. “Lillian, I’m so glad we talked.”

  “Me too.”

  “I guess I better get home and wait for Emily. And even though I probably shouldn’t have made the trip in this weather, we would have never had this chat if I hadn’t.”

  “Everything that happens is His will.”

  “Ya. It is.”

  EMILY COULDN’T BELIEVE how safe she felt nestled under David’s arm, especially when she’d never thought she would feel safe again. Her head was filled with what-ifs. What if I allowed myself to really care for David? What if he cared for me? Instinctively, she reached up and touched the scar above her brow.

  “You worry too much about that.”

  She jerked her hand down. “What?”

  His arm was still around her shoulder, but over the course of the cold ride home, he’d put it under the blanket, which remained draped around both of them. He gave her a squeeze, which sent a warm sensation throughout her shivering body.

  “You touch that scar above your forehead a lot. I wouldn’t even notice it if you didn’t do that.”

  “I don’t do that.” She knew she did. Every time a thought about what happened surfaced, her hand seemed to jump to the remi
nder above her brow.

  As they neared a stop sign, David coaxed the horse to a stop and waited for a car to pass. A nearby streetlight dimly lit up the inside of the buggy. Emily tilted her face toward David. “Maybe I do touch it a lot. It reminds me . . .” She pulled her eyes from his and faced forward again, but David gently cupped her chin and turned her back to face him.

  His blue eyes shone with tenderness as he pressed his lips above her brow, lingering on her scar long after all the cars had passed. Emily was speechless.

  He slowly pulled his lips from her forehead and cupped her cheek in his hand and gazed into her eyes. “Maybe now you will think of me, of this moment, instead of something bad.”

  Emily swallowed hard, certain he could see the lump in her throat. He leaned down and his lips were almost on hers when a car eased up to the stop sign, then honked, waiting for them to go.

  David smiled. “Oops.” He put the horse into motion, and they crossed through the four-way stop. Once they were on the other side, Emily laid her head back in the crook of his arm. They rode quietly for a while down the back roads toward home. She leaned up to look at him, wondering if he might think about kissing her. But it was starting to snow hard, and he was focused on the road in front of him.

  He pulled his arm from around her and used both hands to hold the reins. He leaned forward. “It’s getting hard to see.”

  “At least we’re on the back roads and off the main highway.” Emily was disappointed that he was no longer holding her close, though she understood why.

  After a few minutes, the snow let up a little and he eased back against the seat, but he didn’t put his arm back around her. They were passing by Martha’s house, which meant they were close to home. Emily didn’t want this time to end. She glanced to her left when she saw movement in Martha’s front yard.

  Is Martha getting in her car?

  Emily jerked when David pulled back hard on the reins and yelled, “Whoa!”

  She leaned forward. “Oh no! What happened?”

  A toppled buggy lay on the side of the road. As David pulled up to it, car headlights illuminated the inside of their buggy from behind. The car screeched as it came to a stop behind them.

  David jumped out of the buggy, and Emily followed. Martha came running toward them, lifting her legs high in tall boots as she trudged through the snow.

  “I saw it happen out my window!” Martha yelled. “That car sped by my house and ran that buggy right off the road. Looked like the animal got spooked, and the buggy went over!”

  Martha caught up to Emily and David.

  “Emily Detweiler, is that you?” Martha scowled as she glanced toward David. “What in the world are the two of you doing out in this weather? You should have been home hours ago.” Emily could see Martha glaring at her as the car headlights continued to light their way.

  “We’re running a little late getting home.”

  “I’ll say. Your momma is worried sick.”

  “I thought your car didn’t run?” Emily picked up the pace but David was ahead of both women and made it to the buggy first.

  “Uh, it’s fixed now,” Martha said as she huffed to keep up with Emily.

  David crawled onto the side of the snow-covered buggy, pulled back the winter protectors, then leaned into the passenger window. “There’s a woman in here.”

  “Is she okay?” Emily asked as she and Martha finally made it to the toppled buggy.

  Emily heard David faintly say, “Oh no.”

  “What? How bad is it?” Emily moved closer, until she was leaning against the buggy.

  “I already called 9-1-1,” Martha said as she edged closer. “Help should be on the way.”

  David shoved the upper half of his body down into the buggy, and his next words sucked the breath out of Emily.

  “Vera, hang on. Help is on the way.”

  Eleven

  EMILY DIDN’T REMEMBER SCALING THE SIDE OF THE buggy, or pulling David by his coat until he made room for her to see inside. He told her at the hospital that he’d never seen a person move that fast before.

  A visit to the emergency room, and Emily and her mother were home, accompanied by David and Martha. When they arrived, Emily filled in her father and brothers about what had happened. Thank goodness Betsy was in bed asleep. Emily could feel her father’s eyes blazing down on her, and she suspected he was angry with her for being late, which ultimately had caused her mother to travel in this weather.

  “I told you there was no reason to go to the hospital.” Mamm frowned as she glanced around the room. “I was knocked around a bit, that’s all.” She glared at Martha. “There was no need to make such a fuss and call an ambulance.”

  “That knot on your noggin was reason enough,” Martha said as she raised her chin. “Looked like a big ol’ golf ball on your forehead. It could have been a concussion, and it’s better safe than sorry.”

  Vera waved off the comment. “A waste of community funds, I’d say.” She touched the knot on her head, and Emily did see her flinch briefly. “See, it’s almost gone anyway.” But Mamm wasted no time resuming her role as cheerful hostess. “Can I get anyone some coffee or cocoa?”

  Just for once, Emily wished her mother would feel something, like a normal human being. Surely the accident had scared her.

  “I’m leaving.” Martha, still dressed in a heavy gray coat with a purple scarf around her neck, moved from the fireplace.

  “Thank you for everything, Martha.” Mamm smiled warmly at Martha, who just shrugged.

  There was a knock at the door. Jacob was closest, and he pulled the door open. “Can I help you, sir?”

  “I’m Arnold Becker. Is your father at home?”

  Emily’s father moved toward the door. He eased Jacob out of the way.

  “Arnold, come in. What brings you out in this weather?”

  Emily glanced at the clock on the mantel. Nearly eleven o’clock.

  “Just checking on you folks.” The gray-headed man walked into the den dressed in a long black coat with a black felt hat. If he’d had the traditional beard, Emily could have easily mistaken him for an Amish man. “I was on my way home, and I saw the lights on. The fella at the gas station said there was a buggy accident and that he thought it was one of the Detweilers.”

  “It was my wife, but she’s doing fine.” Daed shook Mr. Becker’s hand, then glanced around at everyone else. “You’ve heard me mention Arnold before, how he is going to head up the schoolhouse project. We met recently at the hardware store in Monte Vista. He overheard some of us talking about the construction, some of the things we weren’t quite sure of, and he offered to help us.” Her father introduced Arnold to everyone, then turned back to him. “It’s nice of you to stop by and check on us.”

  The elderly man had kind gray eyes, and a gentle smile tipped at the corner of his mouth when Emily’s father thanked him.

  “As long as I’m here, Elam, I want to share some good news. I have all the permits for the new schoolhouse. As soon as the weather clears, we can get started.” Mr. Becker pushed back the rim of his hat. “Might be a couple of months, though.”

  “We will all be ready when the time comes.” Emily’s father smiled as he pointed to David. “David and his father have offered to help too.”

  “Ya,” David said.

  “David, have you been in contact with Lillian and your father?” Emily’s mother walked into the room after excusing herself earlier, and she was carting a tray filled with cups of hot cocoa.

  “Ya,” David said as he reached for one of the cups. “While you were in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, Martha followed me to mei haus so I could put Buster, my horse, in the barn. I ran in and told Lillian what happened. She wanted to ride with us to the hospital, but I told her I thought you were going to be all right. They know where I am.” He turned to Martha. “So I guess I’m leaving now, too, with Martha. She said she’d drop me at home.” David paused with a grin. “Now that her car works.�
� He took another sip of his cocoa, then set it on the table.

  “I’m not leaving yet,” Martha announced as she walked over to the tray of cups and helped herself to one. She carried it over to where Mr. Becker was standing and smiled at the elderly man . . . Did she just bat her eyes at him? Emily held back a grin.

  As usual, Levi didn’t say much, and he excused himself and went upstairs. Mamm commented about the weather; then Jacob reminded everyone about his upcoming nuptials in two weeks.

  “David, you and your family will attend, no?” David nodded. “And Mr. Becker, I hope you and your family can attend as well.” Emily knew her mother had already invited Martha, although they’d all assumed she wouldn’t be there.

  Martha’s eyes widened as she waited for Mr. Becker to answer.

  “I’d be honored to attend, Jacob. But it’s just me. I don’t have any family.”

  Martha grinned up at him, and Emily covered her mouth with her hand. She’d gotten to know Martha over the past few weeks, but this Martha was new. Emily found it amusing, and she glanced at David to see if he did too. A smile hovered at the corner of his mouth. Instantly, she thought about the way he’d tenderly kissed her forehead and how he’d almost kissed her on the lips.

  “The wedding is right before Christmas.” Mamm smiled as she addressed the group. “It was the only weekend that worked for everyone during December.” She turned to Mr. Becker. “In Ohio, Mr. Becker, we have weddings in November or December, after the fall harvest.” Mamm shrugged. “So we’re keeping things traditional.”

  “Vera, don’t you think you should go on up to bed? I don’t like the looks of that knot on your head, and I know that topple must have left you sore.” Emily’s father cut his eyes at Emily, then looked back at her mother. “You shouldn’t have been out in this weather, and I told you that.”

  “Elam, I’m fine. And I’m enjoying visiting.” Mamm took a sip of her cocoa, then she glanced around the room. “Now, who needs more cocoa?”

  Mr. Becker placed his cup on the tray. “I’m going to head on home. It’s late, and I know it’s been a rough night for you all. I just wanted to make sure everyone was all right, and I must admit that I was excited to tell Elam that we got all the permits for the new schoolhouse for the children.”