Seek Me With All Your Heart

by Beth Wiseman

  Lillian placed a basket full of homemade biscuits on the table, then thrust her hands on her hips. “Anna, let your brother eat. There is plenty of time for opening gifts.” Lillian scurried around the kitchen, and David smiled to himself. Lillian was just like a kid when it came to opening presents, and he often wondered if she regretted this Christmas tradition she started because she—like the girls—seemed to do everything hurriedly in an effort to go open presents.

  David estimated they finished in about five minutes, and they headed into the den. All of the boxes from the move were either unpacked or upstairs in the extra bedroom waiting to be unpacked. Lillian had done her best to make the old place a home, and David figured that once the floors were replaced and the walls painted, the house would start to perk up. He wondered if he would be around to help with all that. How can I leave Daed with all this work? He was also enjoying his job at the furniture store.

  He thought about Emily again and sighed.

  Anna ran to the far side of the room where several presents were wrapped and decorated. She began to eye the tags, looking for one with her name on it. Christmas trees were not a part of Amish decorations, but Lillian had poinsettias, candles, and wreaths about the house, and the presents were another decorative touch around the den.

  David kicked back and watched his sisters open their presents. When they finally got to his, he smiled. “Do you like it?”

  Anna and Elizabeth ran to him and jumped in his lap. “You are the best bruder in the entire world!” Anna said. Elizabeth kissed him on the cheek. “I love you so much, David.”

  David hugged the girls tightly, thinking that this would be the last Christmas he would have with them. Next year at this time, he’d be back in Lancaster County. For some reason, the thought of leaving didn’t seem as appealing as it did a month ago.

  Lillian called the girls’ names. “Let me see what your brother got you,” she said.

  Anna and Elizabeth jumped from his lap to show their mother the small telescopes he’d bought for them.

  Lillian handled them with care, commenting about what great gifts they were. “Now you can see the stars. They’re so beautiful to see in the mountains.”

  He hadn’t spent a lot on the telescopes, but he knew the girls would enjoy taking them out and looking at the sky on clear nights.

  David swallowed hard. It was going to be tough. But he needed to stick to his plan, leaving after he helped his father ready the fields for planting in the spring. By then, he should have enough money to get back to Lancaster County.

  DAVID WAS LAYING on the couch, dozing after their devotions earlier in the afternoon, when Lillian came running into the room. She slapped him playfully on the leg.

  “Wake up, sleepyhead! It’s almost three o’clock. It’s time!” Lillian jumped up and down, and David grinned. “Go find Anna and Elizabeth. I think they’re upstairs. Your daed is already in the barn. Hurry!”

  “Okay, ya, ya. I’m getting up.” David swung his legs off the couch, rubbed his eyes for a moment, then stood up.

  “Anna! Elizabeth!” Lillian yelled, instead of waiting for David. “Come downstairs!”

  David had been anxious for three o’clock to arrive, too, but Lillian was the most excited.

  A few minutes later everyone had bundled up, and they met their father in the barn.

  “Ready?” Daed smiled, holding the phone in his hand that he’d had installed just the week before. In Lancaster County, the Amish in their district had been allowed to have a phone in the barn for emergencies or business. It had been that way for several years, although Bishop Ebersol had been one of the last bishops in the area to allow it. David could remember, as a child, having to hike to the Lapp shanty, even in below-freezing temperatures. The boxlike structure that housed the phone on Ruben Lapp’s farm was shared by six families in the area.

  Here in this remote area of Colorado, the bishop didn’t come around too much, and when they did see him, he was much more relaxed than Bishop Ebersol had been. When David’s father had asked their new bishop about putting a phone in the barn for emergencies and business, Bishop Esh had responded, “And I’m sure you want to keep in touch with your family back home in Lancaster County.”

  So this Christmas morning, they had no guilt or feelings of wrongdoing, and everyone waited for ber. Lillian was bouncing on her toes. “Hurry, Samuel! Put it on speaker. Press that button right there. See, right there.”Daed to dial the num

  David’s father gently pushed her hand away and chuckled. “I got it, Lillian.”

  A few moments later David heard Sarah Jane’s voice.

  Lillian cupped both hands to her chest. “Mamm, is that you? I miss you so much.” David saw tears come to her eyes as she said, “Frehlicher Grischtdaag! Is everyone there?”

  “Ya, ya. We’re all here.” Sarah Jane sounded just as excited as Lillian. “Esther is here too.”

  “Hi, Mammi,” David said to his grandmother, his father’s mother.

  Lillian leaned closer to the phone. “Lizzie, are you there?” Daadi Jonas had married Lizzie after his first wife passed, and Lizzie was as special to the family as Jonas had been. After Lizzie responded, Lillian, Samuel, David, and the girls individually addressed the rest of their family—David’s Aunt Rebecca and her family; Uncle Noah, Carley, and their daughter Jenna; their good friends Sadie and Kade, along with their children, Tyler and Marie; and even their Englisch friend Barbie Beiler, who was there to wish them all holiday greetings.

  “Is Katie Ann there?” Sarah Jane asked.

  Lillian sighed. “No. She still won’t leave the haus. I’ll go check on her in a little while.”

  “We’re so worried about her,” Rebecca said. “How could mei bruder do this?”

  “We are praying that Ivan will make the right choice and return home to his fraa.” David’s father shook his head as he spoke. But David doubted any of them believed Ivan would return.

  The conversation lasted about thirty minutes, during which David and his family heard all the happenings with their family in Lancaster County. By the time they hung up, David was more confused than ever. Part of him wanted to go back to Lancaster County as soon as he could, but then every time he thought about it, he got an unsettled feeling in the pit of his stomach.

  Fourteen

  EMILY SAT ON THE SIDE OF HER BED, BOWED IN PRAYER. She thanked God for the many blessings He’d bestowed on her, and for most recently helping her to function as a normal human being without constantly being in fear and thinking about her attack. She still had flashbacks, but they weren’t nearly as frequent, and she noticed that with each day, her fear lessened. The small inner voice that she knew to be God was louder and clearer now, and she tried to seek Him with all her heart every day.

  But she struggled with the bitterness she felt toward David. She knew it was her own fault for allowing herself to get too close to him, but he should have never kissed her, never led her to believe that he cared about her. Every time her thoughts veered in this unhealthy direction, she firmly reminded herself that it was for the best, that David deserved a complete woman, untainted and pure. Something Emily was not.

  She ended by praying for David’s aunt, Katie Ann. Emily couldn’t imagine how horrible it must be for Katie Ann. It was a sad situation, and she wondered if Katie Ann would be coming for Second Christmas today with the rest of David’s family.

  When she got downstairs, she slipped out the front door. She could see her father sitting on the porch, and she wanted to spend a little time with him before she went to help her mother in the kitchen.

  “Emily, sit with me.” Her father put down the newspaper he was reading and took off his glasses. “I’ve been meaning to tell you what a gut thing it was that you did for your bruder and Beth Ann, giving them the wringer. A fine wedding present.”

  There was nothing Emily liked more than pleasing her father. “I was happy to do it. Martha paid gut money.” She smiled as she sat down in the other rocker
.

  They were quiet for a few moments as her father stroked his beard. “I’ve been thinking, Emily . . . I’m going to carve out some time to build you a cedar chest.” He glanced in her direction. “One like your mother has.”

  Emily loved her mother’s cedar chest. She knew her father had made it for her when they were first married. “I’d love that, Daed.”

  “Every maedel should have a special place to store things for her future, and I regret that I haven’t made you one sooner.” He angled his body slightly to face her. “I know your mamm has mentioned several things that she wants you to have.”

  Emily didn’t know how to respond. Surely, he suspected that, after everything that had happened, she wouldn’t be getting married. She forced a smile. “I better go help Mamm in the kitchen.” She stood up and was walking to the door when her father called her name.

  She turned to face him. “Ya, Daed?”

  Her father stood up from the chair and walked toward her. “You will make a fine fraa someday, and any young man who wins your heart will indeed be blessed by God.”

  Emily blinked back tears. It wasn’t true, but what a wonderful thing for her father to say. “Danki, Daed.”

  Then her father did the unexpected. He walked closer and embraced her. “I love you, mei maedel.”

  “I love you too, Daed.”

  Emily allowed herself a few extra moments in the safety and warmth of her father’s arms, knowing that she would disappoint him again. Then she eased away and went into the kitchen to help her mother. She picked up a dishrag and started drying the plates in the rack, but her father’s words lingered in her mind—and in her heart. As much as she wanted to believe him, she knew her dreams of becoming a wife and mother were gone. She thought of Katie Ann again and wondered how she was coping with her husband’s abandonment of their life together.

  “Mamm, do you think Katie Ann will be coming with the rest of the Stoltzfuses today?” She opened the cabinet to her right and stacked a plate on top of the others.

  Her mother pulled a tub of butter from the refrigerator and began buttering slices of bread. “I don’t know. I hope so.” She shook her head. “Poor dear. I just can’t imagine.” Mamm went back to the bread, then said, “Ach, I forgot to tell you that the Kauffmans will be coming for the noon meal today also, so after you dry those plates, can you go ask Levi to put the fold-up table in the den for the little ones?”

  Emily abruptly stopped drying the plate in her hand as she recalled the way Hannah had flirted with David at the singing a few weeks ago. It was as wrong as wrong could be, but if Emily couldn’t have David, she didn’t want Hannah to have him either.

  “Emily, move along,” Mamm said, cutting her eyes at Emily. “Finish those plates and go find Levi, please.”

  An hour later everything was ready, and everyone seemed to pull in the driveway at once. Hannah had three brothers, so they were arriving in two buggies. Emily could see David and his family also arriving in two buggies. David was carting one of the girls, although Emily couldn’t tell which one from this distance.

  “They’re here! They’re here!” Betsy jumped up and down.

  “Betsy!” Mamm stomped her foot. “No screaming!”

  Emily tried not to laugh, since her mother had actually just screamed much louder than Betsy.

  Before everyone had tethered their horses, Emily saw Mr.

  Becker’s old truck come up the driveway. He parked near the barn and slowly made his way across the yard until he met up with the others. Folks started heading to the house, and Emily greeted them as they came through the door.

  “Emily, that’s a lovely dress,” Hannah said as she came into the den. David was behind her. Right behind her.

  “Danki, Hannah.” She paused while Hannah passed, then she raised her chin and folded her arms across her chest as David came in. “Hello, David.”

  “Hi, Emily.”

  Don’t speak to me in that tone. His tenderness was what had put her in this state of mind in the first place. She liked him better when he was gruff, like the first day she’d met him. From now on, that’s how she would think of David Stoltzfus—rude and gruff. She sighed, knowing that it would be a challenge to think of him in any way other than sweet, handsome, smart, and everything she’d ever wanted in a husband. She swallowed back a knot in her throat.

  “Where’s Martha?” Emily asked Mr. Becker as he came into the den.

  Arnold lowered his head. “She won’t be coming.” He looked back up at Emily. “I don’t know what’s wrong. I called her to say I was on my way to pick her up, and she told me she didn’t want to go anywhere.” Arnold’s lip almost looked like it quivered when he spoke. “Then she hung up on me.”

  “What? I thought the two of you were getting along so nicely.” Emily touched Mr. Becker’s arm.

  Mr. Becker shrugged as his mouth turned down. “So did I.”

  THEY’D ONLY BEEN at the Detweilers’ about an hour when David started to feel guilty about his behavior. He’d flirted with Hannah, and allowed her to flirt with him, since he’d arrived, and he could tell that Emily was fit to be tied, jealous as all get out, and nothing could have pleased him more.

  I am a bad man. He’d made it perfectly clear to Emily that he didn’t want to be anything more than friends, yet he was getting a thrill out of seeing her jealous. Maybe he just needed confirmation that she really cared about him . . . and her snippy behavior seemed confirmation enough.

  “Here’s the tea you asked for.” Emily handed him a glass of tea, her cheeks red, her eyes filled with rage.

  “Danki,” he said with a smile. Then he turned back to Hannah, even though he wasn’t hearing a thing she said. He saw Emily slip out the back door, swiping at her eyes as she went. Did I make her cry? “I’ll be back,” he said to Hannah without even looking at her. He headed toward the back door.

  It took him awhile to find Emily, out in the barn by herself crying.

  “Emily?” He approached her slowly.

  She quickly swiped at her eyes with both hands. “Leave me alone. Get out of here.”

  David kept moving toward her until he was only a few inches away. “Why are you crying?”

  “I said, just leave me alone.” She leaned forward, her face filled with anger . . . or hurt? Hurt that he had caused in his effort to affirm her feelings for him. He stood there, questioning his intentions. His original plan had been to not get close to her, so he wouldn’t hurt her. Clearly, he’d done just that.

  He reached for her arms and tried to pull her to him. “Emily, don’t cry.”

  She pushed him away. “I said, leave me alone. Go back inside to Hannah. You two make a cute couple.”

  “I’m not interested in Hannah, if that’s what has you so upset.”

  She snickered as she tossed her head back. “I don’t care what you do, or who you’re interested in, David Stoltzfus.”

  “Oh . . . but I think you do.”

  Emily held her position. “Well, you’re wrong. We’re friends, and I don’t care who you choose to court.”

  “Is that what you think, that I’m going to court Hannah?” David pushed back the rim of his black hat.

  Emily shrugged. “I don’t care.”

  “Then why are you crying?”

  She blew out a deep breath. “Did it ever occur to you that I might be crying about something that has nothing to do with you? My life and my emotions don’t revolve around you. I’m upset about something else.”

  “What then? What are you upset about?”

  “I—I . . . I don’t have to tell you.”

  David grunted. “’Cause it’s about me and Hannah.”

  “No, it’s not!”

  “You’re yelling.” David raised his brows and waited.

  “It’s—it’s about Martha. I’m upset about Martha.”

  David cocked his head to one side, puzzled. “Martha? Why are you upset about Martha?”

  “Well, because . . .” She fold
ed her arms across her chest. “Because she hung up on Mr. Becker, and Mr. Becker is sad, and well . . . I figure there must be something wrong. And Martha seemed so happy lately. I just feel sad.”

  David’s brows furrowed. “Enough to make you cry about it when you have all these people here?”

  She edged past him and mumbled, “Just leave me alone.”

  “Let’s go see her then!”

  Emily spun around. “What?”

  “When everyone leaves, let’s go check on her.”

  Emily walked back up to him and glared at him. “Oh no. We can’t be alone together. I will go check on Martha later. By myself!”

  She stormed out of the barn and left David with his mouth hung open.

  WHEN EVERYONE LEFT that afternoon, Emily knew she needed to go upstairs and bury herself in prayer for at least a couple of hours. She’d been rude to Hannah, yelled at David, and even barked at poor little Betsy for no reason. But she needed to see Martha first. She was sincerely concerned about her friend, and even her mother had pulled her aside and asked if Emily would go check on her.

  As she eased into Martha’s driveway, the sight in front of her made her want to spit nails. David stood beside his buggy right in front of Martha’s house.

  She climbed out of her buggy and walked directly to him. “What are you doing here?”

  David smiled. “Waiting on you.”

  Emily pulled her coat tight around her and locked eyes with him. She thought about her dreadful behavior all day and took a deep breath. “What are you doing, David?”

  “I’m here to check on Martha, just like you.”

  “No.” Emily tucked her chin and spoke softly. “I mean, what are you doing?” She looked up at him, knowing her eyes were beginning to tear. “You tell me that you just want to be friends with me, but we can’t spend any time alone together. David, you are sending me mixed signals. But I want to clear something up, so that maybe we can be friends, alone together or otherwise.”

  “Okay . . .”

  She took another deep breath. “I can never be anything more than friends with you. Never. I care about you, and I think you are a wonderful person. But if you are worried about leading me on, there is nothing to worry about. I don’t want to play games, though.” She pulled her eyes from his. “I like you very much, but I’ll never want to be anything more than your buddy. So you can stop trying to make me jealous with the likes of Hannah Kauffman. Because, honestly . . . I think you can do much better than her.”