Anna

by Amanda Prowse

  Even now, sitting across from him in the coffee shop, she ached for the feel of his skin next to hers. But he looked exhausted and she didn’t want to back him into a corner. ‘Shall we not bother tonight, if you’re tired?’ she said. ‘I don’t mind,’ she lied, looking at him across the table. ‘We can go our separate ways if you like, get an early night, reconvene tomorrow after work.’ This was their way, to always arrange the next time to meet when they parted.

  The way his hand darted towards hers in something close to panic sent a ripple of exhilaration right through her. He held her fingers tightly. ‘Or...’ He paused, meeting and holding her gaze. ‘How about we go to your flat and open a large bottle of wine.’

  Going back to her flat had become their thing and he had early on confided that he had never taken a girl to his home in Barnes.

  Anna nodded. ‘That would be lovely.’ She unhooked her handbag from the back of her chair and swallowed the firecrackers of joy that bounced in her stomach.

  Following him outside into the rain-soaked street, she watched as he shot his arm into the air and called, ‘Taxi!’ His confident tone and cut-glass vowels echoed like music in her ears; she could happily listen to him all day.

  They stood quietly on the kerb as the rain fell around them, Anna with her hair stuck to her face. She looked up at the set of his jaw, his masculine profile, as he stared down cab drivers, waiting to spot the yellow light of an available taxi that would ferry them out to Fulham.

  Since getting the letter from her dad and meeting Lisa and the others, Anna had lost her unhealthy obsession with black cabs. But it was still a novelty for her to jump into the back of one without giving heed to the cost. Theo, on the other hand, was clearly comfortable in this mode of transport. She suspected he was someone who had never had to delve down the back of the sofa cushions, squeeze the bottom of trouser pockets in the wardrobe or squirrel around in a bits-and-bobs drawer looking for coins to make up the bus fare. They were worlds apart and yet this didn’t feel like a barrier, in fact just the opposite. It felt as if they could talk and talk for infinity and not ever run out of things to say – they had so much to learn about the other. Anna wasn’t sure if it was fact or her imagination, but it seemed to her that everything Theo had to say was astute. Each night before falling asleep she would go over what he’d said and spin his words into a glittering spiral that danced above her head.

  Finally a taxi drew up in front of them and they hopped in, sitting close together on the back seat with steam rising from their damp clothes.

  She nestled into him. ‘My dad was a taxi driver.’

  ‘I didn’t know that. You don’t mention your family much.’

  ‘Well hello, kettle!’ She laid her head on his shoulder and felt the quiver of his laughter.

  They sat in uncharacteristic quiet as the cab drove out of the City. Theo held her hand and placed their knot of conjoined fingers on his thigh, where it rested comfortably. They stared out of their respective windows, taking in the familiar landmarks that to Anna seemed particularly handsome tonight, seen though the hazy filter of the storm. When she was with Theo everything felt brand-new and fascinating and there was nowhere on earth she would rather be. This in itself was a novelty as she had spent much of her life wishing she was somewhere else.

  She turned to look at him and realised that, despite the rain, she felt warm, happy. You make it feel sunny for me, Theo, even on the rainiest of days.

  When they got to Fulham, they walked quietly up the stairs and into Anna’s flat. Anna reached up to flick the light switch, but Theo caught her wrist. ‘No, leave the light off, we’ll just have the glow from outside.’

  ‘I... I don’t like the dark,’ she managed.

  ‘Me either.’ He laughed. ‘But you’ve got me and I’ve got you, so we don’t have to worry. Not tonight.’

  ‘I don’t worry, not when I’m with you. I don’t worry about a thing. It’s like everything is great in my world and it’s the first time I’ve ever felt that way and I really like it!’

  Anna tilted her head to receive his kiss, offered gently, as his trembling hands held her face.

  ‘I... I feel the same,’ he began, peppering his speech with light kisses on her face. ‘It’s like I know everything is going to be okay, because I’ve got you.’

  ‘You have got me!’ She beamed, nuzzling her cheek into his palm.

  ‘There have been times when I was so sad...’ He paused. ‘No, more than sad – depressed. I have lived with depression,’ he said frankly. ‘My last term at uni, it was hell.’

  ‘Oh, Theo...’ Her heart twisted with sadness that he had gone through this, and she wanted more than anything to help him heal. ‘I’m sad you went through that.’

  ‘I think I’m probably still going through it, I don’t think it’s really left me. Not completely.’ He bit his cheek. ‘It engulfed me, knocked me sideways. I’ve come out of that phase, certainly, but it’s like something that’s always there, lurking just around the corner. I get the feeling it’s never very far away.’

  She thought of Joe and nodded her understanding.

  ‘But for the first time, I can see light and I guess that’s why I don’t feel as afraid of the dark.’

  She looked into his eyes. ‘You don’t have to be afraid, not any more.’

  Theo nodded. ‘This thing that’s going on with us, Anna...’ He hesitated. ‘I don’t know what it is, but it’s...’ He exhaled.

  ‘I know!’ She smiled into the darkness. ‘It really is!’

  They kissed again, and stumbled towards the bed at the end of her tiny living zone.

  *

  Early the next morning, she eased open first one eye and then the other and was surprised to find Theo already dressed in his suit and rather crumpled shirt.

  ‘Morning, sleepy head.’ He bounced back onto the bed and kissed her.

  ‘Goodness me, you’re up early!’

  ‘I need to go home and get showered and changed. Important meeting this morning. I’ll see you later.’ He kissed her again.

  She watched him leave and as he closed the door she did a double-take and stared at her boots. They were not where she had discarded them in haste the previous night. Someone – Theo – had unlaced them and set them side by side against the wall, ready for her to slip into. She pictured her mum doing the same with her school shoes and it brought her to tears that someone, this man, this wonderful man, would want to do that for her. There was something familiar and comforting in his kindness, the sort of simple act that she had missed for the longest time.

  She sank back onto the pillows with a feeling of utter peace. Reaching into the small drawer of her nightstand, she extracted a notebook and her favourite ink pen of the moment.

  Fifi and Fox,

  I have found him. I have actually found him! And I am without a shadow of doubt the luckiest girl in the world!

  I have found your daddy and he is WONDERFUL! He is so WONDERFUL! And together we are AMAZING!

  And my life is a life I never could have dreamt of. How about that?

  Mummy x

  12

  ‘So where are we going?’ She bounced on the back seat of the cab.

  ‘I told you, somewhere special.’ He smiled at her.

  ‘I don’t know if I’m dressed right.’ She looked down at her work skirt and blouse. These things mattered to her. As ridiculous as it was to place such store in something as frivolous as fabric, without the right clothes for the right occasion Anna felt her fragile confidence ebb. Too often she had been the weird girl in the wrong dress, the unfashionable shoes, the second-hand uniform. She didn’t want to feel like that ever again.

  ‘Don’t worry, you look perfect.’ He stared out of the window and she caught a hint of nerves, surprising after ten weeks.

  It wasn’t until the cab drove over Hammersmith Bridge that the penny dropped. Theo was taking her to his home! Anna sat back on the seat, all too aware of the significance of this but tryi
ng not to add to the tension. Theo reached for her hand and the two sat quietly, each lost in thought.

  Her first impression of Barnes was that it felt like countryside, far removed from the sort of London suburbs she was familiar with. The high street was quaint yet classy, the pub had a traditional-style swinging sign, and there was even a duck pond. The poshness of his street was, if not unexpected, then certainly undeniable. Anna looked up in awe at his magnificent house and for a second considered staying in the cab. He had only ever been sweet and complimentary about her studio flat and yet all the time he had this to come home to. She cringed, remembering the moment she’d made him lie on her bed with his eyes closed, only allowing him to open them when she’d switched on her much-loved strings of fairy lights.

  ‘Ta-dah! What do you think?’ she’d said, bounding over to him.

  ‘I think it’s brilliant!’ he’d replied, obviously humouring her. ‘Like living in a Christmas tree!’

  Theo now took her hand and guided her along the gravel path that bisected the close-cut lawn, its borders delineated by rope-edged terracotta tiles. The gravel crunched underfoot. The imposing red-brick Edwardian house was three storeys high. The ground and first floors were fronted by double-height bay windows with ornate leaded panes of glass running along the top. There were windows in the roof space too, where the fascia was framed by white-painted fretwork that matched the woodwork on the pantiled roof of the porch. And on the wide, shiny red front door hung a brass door knocker in the shape of a lion’s head.

  ‘Are you okay?’ he asked, squeezing her hand tightly.

  Anna nodded up at him and this was how they stood for a second or two in acknowledgement of the moment.

  ‘Well, here we are.’

  ‘Yes.’ She bit her lip. ‘Here we are.’

  Over the last couple of months they had chitchatted and snogged, drinking wine and laughing into the small hours, but right now, on this damp autumnal evening, they were both aware that frivolity and playfulness couldn’t sustain them for ever. They needed to make a choice: to let their relationship run its course or to step it up a gear.

  They had reached a crossroads. In one direction was the path back to singledom, with all that they had shared getting stored away as a lovely memory; in the other was something altogether more serious.

  Anna held her breath and watched as Theo fished in his pocket for his keys then gently pushed open the front door. She peered inside the grand, square hallway with its ornate tiled floor in shades of stone, petrol blue and coffee. A wide staircase stood to the right, turning abruptly on a half landing over her head. He walked ahead and disappeared into one of the rooms. She heard the soft click of a lamp and then a golden glow drifted back to where she stood, bathing the place in a honey-coloured haze.

  Imagine growing up in a house like this! Imagine walking down those stairs every day into this beautiful space! It’s another world, a different life. The world of girls called Mirabelle and Felicity.

  It was certainly a universe away from the Coles’ dingy flat in Honor Oak Park. Anna tried to shake off her familiar feelings of inadequacy, but the sense that she was somewhere she didn’t belong wrapped around her like a cloak.

  Classical music began to fill the air: the deep bass of woodwind instruments, the aching tone of strings and then the lightness of a flute. It made Anna think of gossamer threads looping through the air, rising higher and higher. Her chest tightened; the sounds were unfamiliar but profoundly moving.

  Theo popped his head around the door. ‘Grown-up music.’

  ‘I should say.’ She smiled nervously.

  ‘I am as you know a massive Guns N’ Roses fan, but this is one of my secret favourites – Tchaikovsky’s Romeo and Juliet.’

  ‘Like the book? She regretted the statement the moment it left her mouth. It had made her sound stupid.

  ‘Yes.’ He nodded. ‘Just like the book.’

  ‘You know what I meant.’ She wrapped her arms around her waist. The sweet sounds made her think of summer and meadows and at the same time unbearable loss.

  ‘Just setting a fire. Kitchen’s straight ahead.’ He pointed to a door at the end of the hallway. ‘There’s wine somewhere, glasses too! Go seek.’ He smiled, tapped the doorframe and disappeared back inside the room.

  Anna stepped forward with caution. Reaching around the door, she found the dimmer switch and twisted it slowly until light shone from the two heavy-looking brass and glass lanterns overhead. Her eyes danced over the acres of work surface, the hand-painted cream-coloured doors of the wooden cupboards, the Aga, the vast fridge and the white china Belfast sink. In the corner stood a wide, scrubbed farmhouse table for eight with a pew against the wall and matching chairs opposite. She hovered in the doorway, gazing at the room, the like of which she had only seen in glossy magazines in the doctor’s surgery.

  Slowly she walked forward, drawn by the large sash window above the work surface. She stood on the tiled floor and placed her hands on the countertop, staring out into the semi-darkness. She could just make out the shape of some sizeable shrubs, several mature trees and what looked a lot like a fancy shed or summerhouse.

  As the music built, the image of her mum standing at the window of their grotty kitchen and staring out at next-door’s brick wall loomed large in Anna’s mind. She recalled her mum’s words, spoken with longing and regret: ‘God, I hate this room. It’s so dark. I dream about having a kitchen with a big wide window overlooking a garden, and I’d have it open all of the time, with a lovely breeze coming in and the scent of flowers filling the place. Wouldn’t that be lovely, Anna?’

  ‘It would be lovely, Mum, so lovely,’ Anna whispered out loud.

  ‘Right, fire’s roaring.’ Theo rubbed his hands together as he strolled into the kitchen. He stopped in his tracks. ‘Oh, you’re crying!’

  Anna wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. ‘I don’t usually cry. In fact hardly ever and never in front of anyone, not for a very long time.’

  ‘What’s making you so sad?’ Theo’s expression was a mixture of concern and embarrassment.

  ‘I have a lot to feel sad about, Theo, and this music is—’

  ‘I’ll turn it off.’ He turned on his heel.

  She grabbed his arm. ‘No, don’t. It’s so beautiful. It’s making me feel.’

  ‘I suppose that’s the idea.’ He held her hand. ‘Come on, let’s go and sit in front of the fire. I don’t think there’s anything in the whole wide world that a roaring fire and a glass of wine can’t make feel better. Please don’t cry.’

  ‘You know, Theo, I want to cry. And I should cry.’ She no longer made any attempt to wipe the tears from her cheeks. ‘I feel like it’s time and there is so much I want to say to you.’ She stepped forward. ‘I need you to see me.’

  He nodded. ‘I need you to see me too. There is so much I want to say.’ He thumbed the skin on the back of her hand.

  ‘We are from very different worlds,’ she began.

  ‘And I thank God for that.’ He leant forward and kissed her gently on the forehead.

  ‘I’m... I’m weird,’ she managed, pulling away to look him in the eye. ‘I’ve always been weird and I’ve had a weird life. A life I want to tell you about so that I don’t have to worry about revealing it to you bit by bit. I think that’s best, like ripping off a plaster.’ She quoted her friend Melissa. ‘I need to do it quick.’

  Theo pulled her into his chest and held her tightly. ‘Weird? Oh God, Anna, you have no idea...’

  She lifted her head and addressed the space beneath his chin. ‘Okay, here’s an example. When I was a kid I had no friends and I used to think that I’d spoken telepathically with a tiny monkey in a fancy red coat that came into our school playground. He... He was called Porthos.’

  ‘Well, okay, I’ll give you that! That is fucking weird.’

  And between kisses they laughed loudly.

  Still giggling at the description of her monkey confidant, they made their w
ay out of the kitchen and into the sitting room. They dropped down onto the invitingly dense pale wool carpet and propped themselves against the wide base of the light blue sofa. Their bare feet rested on the blue and gold Persian rug and a soft blanket covered their laps as the fire blazed and crackled in the grate.

  ‘This is a beautiful room – did you pick everything? How did you know where to start?’

  Theo screwed up his face. ‘Ah, actually I can take no credit. A friend of my mother’s is an interior designer and I gave her the keys and came back to this!’

  ‘Wow!’ That was all she could think of to say. An interior designer? How mad was that, and a little sad that this was someone else’s idea, someone else’s taste. She wondered what her posturing Aunt Lizzie would make of the grandeur.

  ‘Yes, wow. I mean, all the pictures and ornaments and whatnot are from my parents’ house or were my grandpa’s, but the furniture and all this...’ He picked up the edge of the blanket and let it fall. ‘This was all carefully put together with a finer eye than mine.’

  Theo reached over and topped up her glass with the nicely warmed red wine. ‘So come on then, Miss Anna Cole, give it to me. I’m all ears. We have tonight and tomorrow and the day after that if need be. But rest assured we are not leaving here until you have nothing left unsaid. I shall hold you captive. I want to hear all the things that you want to say to me. The whole lot.’

  She sipped her wine, which sent a warm, fruity trickle down her throat. ‘I meant what I said about being weird.’

  ‘How weird exactly?’

  She pulled a face. ‘I do this thing.’

  ‘What thing?’

  She gave a small embarrassed laugh and shook her head. ‘It sounds odd...’

  ‘Don’t be shy. Tell me.’

  Anna took a deep breath. ‘I go through the alphabet and assign objects, people, names, anything I can, really, to a particular letter. I’ve always done it and it calms me.’