Anna

by Amanda Prowse

  ‘This is like a fancy hotel or something in a film.’ Shania shrugged off her coat to reveal her thin, bobbled sweatshirt, a little stained with food on the front. She sat back on the deep sofa and Anna saw her expression soften as she settled into it.

  ‘I’ll be back in a mo. Just relax and I’ll make us a cuppa.’ She paused in the doorway and looked back at her friend, remembering her own first time in this grand room, the gateway to another world.

  She was no more than a few minutes in the kitchen, making a quick cup of tea and letting Griff out, but when she came back in, Shania was deep in sleep. Anna pulled the soft throw from the arm of the chair and laid it over her friend’s large stomach. There we go, little babies, that’ll keep you snug. She sat back on the sofa and watched the fire jump and dance in the grate, sipping her tea and happy to be in the company of her mate, thinking of the time she had seen her on the street and how her heart had ached for her. Her eyes kept jumping to the shape of her bump. What does it feel like to have those little ones in your tum? I bet it feels lovely. She pulled the cushion from under her arm and shoved it up her jersey. Lying back, she looked at her feet over the bump. It made her cry.

  Shania slept for an hour. When she finally opened her eyes, for a second she didn’t know where she was.

  ‘It’s okay, Shania, you’re here with me, Anna.’

  ‘Jesus! Did I drop off?’ Shania sat up straight, rubbing her eyes.

  ‘Did you ever! You were dead to the world.’

  Anna smiled. There was something about a person you’d shared a room with, slept next to for so long, that meant you could be completely relaxed in their company. Even after all this time apart, they didn’t have to fill the air with pleasantries or be on best behaviour. She and Shania had cried and laughed together into the early hours, got dressed and undressed in front of each other, shared their meagre possessions and looked out for each other when they needed it the most; being together now was easy, comfortable, familiar.

  ‘That cab driver who dropped you off, did you flag him down and ask his name? Or have you grown out of that now?’

  Anna threw her head back and laughed until her tears gathered. It was as funny as it was sad. ‘Actually, my dad found me.’

  ‘For real?’ Shania asked wide-eyed.

  Anna shook her head. ‘But we never got our happy ending. I got a letter from his solicitor after he died. And I met my half-sister, Lisa, who is lovely, and my half-brother, who is not so lovely.’

  Shania shook her head. ‘What was his surname?’

  ‘Harper, Michael Harper.’

  ‘Michael Harper,’ she repeated. ‘This information would have been very good if we’d had it TEN YEARS SOONER!’ she shouted and they both collapsed laughing. ‘Now, did I hear mention of a cup of tea?’

  Anna giggled. ‘I made you one earlier, but I drank it.’

  ‘Bloody typical.’ Shania knitted her fingers over her wide middle. ‘I am thinking that maybe I should tell Samuel, their daddy.’ She pointed at her tummy.

  Anna remembered their chat in the hospital foyer. ‘Well, that’s up to you, but I think it’s only fair. It doesn’t mean he has to be involved if you don’t want him to be, but not to tell him at all...?’ She thought of her dad and wondered what might have happened if communication had been different.

  ‘It’s a hard conversation to have, Anna.’

  ‘I know it. And you don’t have to make a decision now, there’s still plenty of time.’

  Shania nodded. ‘Now, about that cup of tea...’

  Anna jumped up and headed to the kitchen.

  She returned with a mug of tea and watched her friend hold it between her palms.

  ‘I’ve never been in a room with a real fire before. It’s lovely. I want to keep staring at it.’

  ‘Me too. Hypnotic.’ Anna tucked her feet under her legs. ‘Shania, there’s something I want to say to you. Something I want to tell you.’

  ‘Well, good, because there’s something I want to say to you too. You go first.’ Shania sipped her tea.

  ‘I bumped into you a while back. A few years ago. You were on the street, and I gave you some cash and tried to help you, but you weren’t very with it. I’d feel uncomfortable if I didn’t tell you. But it broke my heart and I’ve been worried about you ever since.’

  Shania turned to face her and took her time responding. ‘I’m sad you saw me like that. I know I promised you...’

  Anna smiled. ‘Yes, you did.’

  ‘Things after I left Mead House were...’ She paused. ‘They were pretty bad.’

  Anna thought of Theo’s project. Shania continued.

  ‘I got in with the wrong crowd. Actually, that’s not true, I was the wrong crowd. I gave up. I honestly thought my mum or dad might come and get me, invite me home, but...’ She shrugged. ‘Nothing. They’d just moved on and changed the shape of their lives and there was no space for me. It shocked me. Still shocks me.’

  ‘I’ll bet.’

  ‘Drugs were the escape and with that choice everything else collapsed.’

  ‘I know that story.’ She thought of her beloved Joe, and Ruby Red Shoes, who she still remembered from time to time.

  ‘I’ve fought hard over the last few years to get clean, to come back, and I have and I’m winning and I want to stay winning.’

  ‘I am so proud of you.’ Anna laid her hand on her arm. ‘Really proud of you.’

  ‘Well, I am proud of me too.’

  ‘And now this! Babies!’ Anna pointed at Shania’s tum.

  ‘Yep, babies. Not planned, but no less loved for that.’

  ‘So, want to talk about their dad?’

  Shania raised an eyebrow. ‘Samuel’s a nice guy. Clean-living, hard-working, but he wasn’t for me, wanted to settle down and take me to the sunshine.’

  ‘God, he sounds like a right bastard!’

  Shania gave another booming laugh. ‘As I say, a nice guy, but he’s a bit... boring.’

  ‘God, you think everything is boring!’

  Shania laughed again. ‘It was more than that. You know me, Anna, I can’t fall for promises. I can’t be let down again. It’s better this way. It was a six-month thing before he went back to St Lucia, but for me it turned out to be a whole life thing! Who knew!’

  ‘You’ll be fine, Shania. You’ve turned your whole life around and you’ve put up with so much since you were a little girl. This is just another chapter.’

  ‘I guess. I’m scared though, Anna. I don’t want to mess this up.’ As she sat there biting her lip, she looked to Anna like the teenager who’d perched on the end of the bed all those years ago in Mead House. ‘And that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.’

  ‘Go on.’ Anna sat forward, as if this might require her full concentration.

  ‘When I went for my check-up they asked me who was going to be my birth partner and I felt like it was fate that I’d bumped into you in the hospital, so I said you.’

  ‘Really?’ Anna placed her hand at her neck.

  ‘Yes, but only if you want to. There’s no one else I’d want by my side when I go through this – I want it to be you, Anna.’

  Tears flooded the back of Anna’s throat. ‘It will be an amazing thing for me to see your babies born and I would be honoured.’ She stretched forward and held her friend close. ‘Thank you for asking me.’

  ‘Who else would I trust with this?’ Shania kissed Anna on the cheek, the sweetest kiss she’d been given in a long time.

  They heard the sound of a key in the door.

  ‘That’ll be Theo.’

  ‘Will he mind me being here?’ Shania prepared to stand.

  Anna pushed her back into the seat. ‘Of course not! He’ll be glad to meet you at last.’

  ‘Hello, you gorgeous boy!’ They listened to him great Griff in the hallway and both of them giggled.

  ‘Hey, Anna!’ he called.

  ‘In here! With Shania!’

  ‘Oh.’ Theo walked in a
nd nodded at the two of them. ‘Hi, Shania, it’s good to finally meet you. I’ve heard so much about you.’

  ‘You too.’ Anna noted she spoke quietly.

  ‘How’s it going with the...’ He pointed at her stomach, clearly unsure of the right thing to say.

  ‘It’s going great. I’m about sixteen weeks now and I’ve heard the next bit goes very quickly. And it’s twins.’

  ‘Twins? Oh my goodness!’

  ‘Shania’s asked me to be her birth partner.’

  ‘Oh, wow!’ He smiled. ‘What does that mean?’

  Anna felt a flip of love for her man, which was a pleasant change to how things had been of late. ‘It means that I’m the one who guides her through this pregnancy and I’m the one she calls when we need to do the dash to the hospital!’

  Theo looked at her and she could read his thoughts. Can you cope with this, Anna? Is it too much for you, too painful? ‘I am so honoured, Theo – what a wonderful thing to be asked.’ She hoped this would put his mind to rest.

  ‘So you must be excited,’ he said to Shania.

  ‘More scared, to be honest. My own mum and dad were pretty rubbish and I’ve always been a bit scared of doing it wrong. But like it or not, these little ones are on their way and so I’ve just got to figure it out, you get me?’

  Theo nodded. Anna saw the pain of recognition in his eyes. ‘Yes, I get you,’ he managed, before coughing and leaving the room in search of a beer.

  18

  Anna stood outside the bakery in the high street in her jeans and trainers – her busy day required this speedy footwear. It was now five in the afternoon and she knew that if it weren’t for the excitement of the evening to come, she’d be feeling more than a little low. She had a lot on her mind. Theo had just resigned from his job, determined to go ahead with his warehouse renovation in Bristol, and that had caused another huge row. The one light in her life was Shania. They’d gone together to the hospital that morning and she’d seen the scan pictures: grainy images of two little lives, tightly coiled end to end in her friend’s tummy. It was a miracle.

  The planning of a surprise party for Theo’s birthday had been a welcome distraction over the last couple of weeks, not only the dashing here and there to execute the million tiny chores that would make the event a night to remember, but doing it all in secret. The vast trays of lasagne were prepped and in the fridge, the white wine was chilled and the red rested. Beers lined the fridge door, balloons waited to be blown up, wrapped presents had been hidden in the spare-room closet and her freshly dry-cleaned party dress hung in her wardrobe, ready to wow!

  The large, stiff, white carry-box lay flat on her arm. She smiled, chuffed with the delicate sponge-and-buttercream confection, its hand-piped message artistically scrawled in dark icing: ‘Happy Birthday Theo! Ship Shape and Bristol Fashion!’ it was a concession of sorts.

  Her phone beeped in her pocket; a text from Melissa.

  ‘What time tonight? Looking forward to it. You always go to so much trouble, it makes me feel even more guilty for forgetting Gerard’s birthday, again! As if he needs any more reminders of just how crap a wife and mom I am. Nearly left Nicholas on a bus yesterday... I am imagining your tuts right now! It wasn’t entirely my fault. Will explain later. By the way it’s Myfanwy.’

  She laughed loudly and did indeed tut. Yes, she went to a lot of trouble, but knowing how many birthday celebrations Theo missed out on in his youth, either due to an oversight at school or simply because of complete indifference from his preoccupied parents, she always wanted to make the day as special as she could for her man, no matter how old he was. And this year, despite their rows, she was determined to do something extra nice, to show him just how much she loved him. She smiled. Her plan was coming together very nicely.

  She made her way home, changed into her party frock and pulled her hair into a ponytail before applying a slick of lipstick. Picking up the cake box, she prepared to decant it onto the cake stand. En route, she grabbed her phone from the countertop, its small flashing icon telling her she had another voicemail. It was a missed call from the birthday boy himself; he must have phoned when she was in the shower. With her free hand, she held the phone to her ear, squinting, as if this altered view might help her hear better...

  She played the message again.

  And again.

  And again.

  Anna slowly lowered her phone and looked out to the garden. She pushed at her ears, which felt strange, as if she was underwater. She double-blinked as her mind did what it always did when her thoughts were too loud, or she felt afraid or she just wanted to pass the time. It had been a long while since she’d felt the need to do her game. And right now it had nothing to do with passing the time.

  A... Anna Bee, you’ll be okay.

  B... birthday.

  C... cake.

  D... drink. I need a drink.

  E... ever and ever and ever.

  F... frightened. I’m frightened.

  G... God help me.

  The cake, nestling in the box on her arm, seemed now to be an extraordinary weight and her arm cramped. Anna felt as if she was moving in slow motion.

  She slid the cake carefully back onto the countertop. It could stay in the box.

  She allowed a small burst of nervous laughter to leave her lips before firing off a round-robin text to Melissa, their other friends and her in-laws, explaining in the simplest of terms that the party was now cancelled and sorry for the very short notice.

  It was no surprise to her that a call came in almost immediately from Stella. Anna let it go to voicemail and then listened to it. Her mother-in-law’s whiny tone was enough to set her teeth on edge.

  ‘Oh, Anna, really? How disappointing! We’ve gone to a lot of trouble to make sure Rhubarb gets fed and walked early and we’ve given Mrs Fayad a key to come and walk him for his late-night poo. Is there—’

  Anna had heard enough. She pressed delete and resisted the temptation to call her back and scream that she couldn’t give a shit about Rhubarb or any arrangements they might have made. Actually, that wasn’t true; she did give a shit about Rhubarb, thinking then how she loved him and Griff, as much if not more than most of the arsehole humans in the family.

  Family... This is not how I want my family to be. Not what I want at all.

  Anna let Griff out for a quick run before filling his bowl with dried food, which he wolfed down as soon as he came back in. She switched on the dim lamp in the cooker hood, preferring to be in semi-darkness. Sitting on the reclaimed pew at the wide scrubbed table with her back to the wall, facing the door and with tears streaming from swollen eyes, she placed her phone on the surface and pressed play over and over and over.

  H... hob.

  I... ice bucket.

  J... Jack Daniels.

  K... kitchen roll.

  L... lemon tree, still no bloody lemons.

  M... microwave.

  N... noise.

  O... opening the front door.

  P... petrified, so scared of what comes next.

  Q... quiet, the hush before the storm...

  She heard the sound of his keys being dropped onto the dresser in the hall and sat up straight. Her heart pounded, her mouth was dry. Griff gave a single bark and looked to her for reassurance.

  ‘It’s okay, puppy,’ she whispered, unsure if anything was ever going to be okay again.

  Theo slowly eased the kitchen door open. She felt the tiniest spark of satisfaction at the sight of him looking eagerly around the room, expecting a birthday celebration and getting nothing, nothing at all. She watched his smile fade and a look of concern take its place.

  Good, you should be concerned.

  ‘What’s going on?’ he asked, locating her finally at the kitchen table, then looking around the room for clues as to her state of mind but finding none.

  ‘Please sit down, Theo.’ Her voice was small, cracked.

  He sat opposite her; the scrape of the chair legs over the til
ed floor was an irritation.

  ‘What’s the matter? Are you okay? Has something happened?’

  She glanced at him. It was a stupid question given her obvious distress and didn’t warrant a response. She waited until he was seated before reaching over and adjusting the volume on her phone. She let her finger hover before pressing the button to play her answerphone messages.

  ‘You have one message,’ the robotic voice informed them.

  Theo visibly braced himself and cocked his head, ready to listen. He slid his fingertips towards her hand. Anna flinched as they touched, quickly pulling her hand beneath the table and resting it in her lap. She could hear her heart beating in her ears and the rush of her blood.

  The moment the message began, she saw the facts, his terrible error, register on his face; he looked stricken.

  ‘Mate, it’s me. It’s my birthday, but that’s not why I’m calling. I feel like I’m falling apart. I told my dad I knew about Alexander and, well, it didn’t go how I thought it might. It’s made me think about my situation. I don’t ever want Anna to feel how I felt tonight, to find out I have a little girl, a child in this world who doesn’t know me... I’m gabbling. Call me when you get this. I need to talk to you, Spud.’

  Theo reached out to grab the phone, as if silencing it could spare them both, but it was a little late for that. Anna was quicker; she held the phone in the air and stared at her husband, watching his face. She knew the words of the voicemail by heart, the pauses, the sigh... Her head almost bobbed in time with each word and her lips moved as she mouthed them in her head. She watched him cringe at the sound of his own voice, amplified by the silence around them.

  ‘Anna, I...’ He stared her, trying to find the words.

  She bit her lip, oblivious to the fresh batch of tears that trickled down her face.

  ‘I don’t know what to say to you,’ he croaked.

  She watched him run his fingers over his face, trying to order his thoughts. Her eyes narrowed and her nose wrinkled in disdain. His reaction was so predictable, so clichéd, it stung as much as the content of his voice message.