Anna

by Amanda Prowse

  Anna sat back in the chair with the tiny baby in her arms.

  She knew that she would never be able to adequately describe those moments. The feel and scent of a newborn in her arms was the greatest gift anyone could have given her. Sadness washed over her, pulling her down to the depths of her longing and holding her captive, making breathing difficult. She thought of her mum, giving birth not a million miles from there, and her dad, hovering illicitly in the wings, waiting for a photograph to be taken, the only photograph, which he would secrete inside a book for his whole life. She thought of Theo, who had not witnessed the birth of his little girl, Sophie, and for all that he had missed out on, and she felt sad. But mostly Anna knew that, no matter what, she would forever miss what she had never had, the feel of a baby growing inside her body and being delivered from it. A body that had played a trick on her, giving up on fertility before she’d had the chance.

  ‘That’s Joshua.’ Shania smiled in her direction. ‘And this hungry little fella is David.’

  ‘Joshua and David.’ Anna ran her fingertip over Joshua’s rounded, sleeping cheek.

  ‘Your godsons!’ Shania reminded her.

  ‘Yes!’ She nodded. ‘My godsons.’ No matter what twists and turns her life might take, these boys would forever hold a piece of her heart. And it was a piece she was more than happy to give. ‘Clever you, Shania.’ She thought about the night of her arrival at Mead House all those years ago. Look at you, you belong with these babies, that’s home.

  The two women held hands across the mattress, each totally lost in the child in her arms.

  * * *

  They’d finished lunch and Shania sat back on the sofa and picked up her cup of tea. ‘Is that thing on?’ She nodded towards the baby monitor on the mantelpiece.

  ‘Yes. You’re getting as bad as me – I’ve checked it twice!’

  It was nothing but a pleasure to have Shania and the boys staying with her in Barnes. The arrangement had been hastily agreed just before Shania was discharged from hospital, a temporary measure, until Shania got the hang of life with twins. Anna couldn’t bear the thought that they would leave at some point. Getting up to the boys in the night, changing and feeding them, made her happy. She was obsessed. The shared care only served to bring her and Shania closer.

  ‘Ah, silence is golden!’ Shania closed her eyes and smiled.

  The silence lasted less than ten minutes. The front doorbell rang and Griff barked. ‘It’s okay, boy, I’ve got it!’ Anna smoothed his head and went to answer the door.

  ‘Oh, wonderful! What a lovely surprise. Come in! Come in!’

  ‘We were passing and Kaylee wanted to come and see the babies.’ Lisa kissed Anna on the cheek as she came in with Kaylee in tow.

  Anna bent down and grabbed her niece in a brief hug. ‘Hello, cutie.’

  ‘All right, mate?’ Micky offered his customary greeting and followed them down the hallway.

  ‘Yes, good. Let’s get that kettle on.’ She kissed him too. The novelty of receiving his affection had still not worn off and she doubted it ever would.

  It was as she placed the mugs of tea on the tray that the boys began to cry. Shania put her own tea down – ‘No rest for the wicked!’ – and hurried up the stairs. Anna was impressed with her natural ability; nothing seemed to faze her. She figured that was one positive of having lived through adversity; it meant Shania was tough, and it would take a lot more than the pressure of being a single mother of twins to test her.

  All present gathered on the sofa and the rug in front of the fireplace for the grand arrival of Joshua and David. They shrugged and smiled in eager anticipation.

  ‘Where’s them babies?’ Kaylee asked.

  ‘Having their bums changed.’ Anna winked at her. ‘And trust me, you will be glad they did.’

  The front doorbell rang again. Griff barked and Anna jumped up.

  ‘It’s like Piccadilly Circus in here!’ Micky shouted, cuddling Griff on his lap.

  Anna opened the door and was a little taken aback to find Stella standing in front of her, the first time she’d seen her since their snippy exchange over the unwanted macaroni cheese.

  ‘Stella! Come in!’ She stepped forward and wrapped her in a warm embrace, knowing it was important to erase any embarrassment, to give her grieving mother-in-law a way back.

  ‘I... I wanted to...’

  Anna noted her nervous blink and the uncharacteristic falter to her voice. ‘You don’t need an excuse to come over, Stella, of course you don’t. This is Theo’s house,’ she said without malice. ‘I’ve just put the kettle on, how about a nice cup of tea?’

  ‘Well, that would be lovely.’

  ‘We’ve got quite a houseful!’ Anna smiled, leading her into the sitting room. ‘You’ve met Lisa before.’

  ‘Yes, of course. Hello, dear.’

  Lisa smiled. ‘Hi, Stella, nice out, isn’t it?’

  ‘It is.’

  ‘And this is my brother Micky.’ Anna pointed.

  ‘The taxi driver.’ Stella nodded at him, clasping her scarf to her neck, clearly ill at ease in a room that was familiar to her, and for this Anna felt another wave of empathy.

  ‘The very same.’ Micky waved. ‘In fact I’ve left the meter running outside – it’s going to cost her a fortune.’ He nodded at Lisa.

  ‘Oh dear!’ Stella sat in the armchair and didn’t get the joke.

  Kaylee curled into her mum’s lap and sucked her thumb.

  Anna heard the natter of conversation flowing back to her in the kitchen while she made Stella’s tea – Earl Grey of course. As she foraged in the fridge for a lemon, her eyes were drawn to her potted tree on the windowsill and there, behind the dark, glossy leaves, hung a plump yellow fruit.

  ‘Oh, Mum, will you look at that?’ She twisted it from the branch, held it to her nose and inhaled deeply, before cutting a slice and placing it with pride on the saucer of her mother-in-law’s cuppa.

  ‘There we go, Stella.’ She set the plate of biscuits on the side table, laughing as Micky dived in and passed two custard creams to Lisa.

  ‘Here they are!’

  Everyone whipped around as Shania walked in with the babies in her arms. Kaylee leapt up and raced over to them, staring at the little bundles.

  ‘These, Stella, are Joshua and David, my godsons.’

  ‘Oh my!’

  ‘Would you like to hold one?’ Shania bent down and waited while Stella settled her tea on the floor and reached out.

  Stella took Joshua into her arms and nestled him to her chest. ‘Goodness me.’ She coughed to clear her throat. ‘I had quite forgotten how wonderful this feels.’ Tears trickled from her eyes, which instantly became bloodshot.

  ‘It does the same to me, Stella,’ Anna cooed as she sat on the floor next to her mother-in-law, ready to offer physical as well as emotional support.

  ‘Well...’ Again Stella sniffed. ‘I think these little chaps are jolly lucky to have you as a godmother and hopefully you will have your own here soon, running around. Adoption is the thing for you, Anna. You must be bold, you must pursue it.’

  Anna could only nod. It was the biggest vote of confidence Stella had ever given her.

  Stella had more to say. ‘I was on the phone to Theo this morning, dear, and he asked me to give you a message.’

  Anna cocked her head. She was all ears.

  ‘He asked me to tell you that there’s a sheet of paper he wants you to look at – it’s in his pen box on the desk.’

  Anna exhaled, disappointed. A bloody bill, probably. Hardly the sincere bid for reconciliation she’d half been hoping for. She nodded. ‘Righto.’

  Stella lowered her voice, obviously not wanting the rest of the room to listen in. ‘And you were right, you know, Anna. It is all about the deceit and it should never be about turning a blind eye. The very existence of Alexander troubles me even now, all these years later. Such a waste...’ She tucked in her trembling lips. ‘But Theo’s a good boy, nothing like
his father. His... indiscretion was long before he met you, wasn’t it, dear? He really is quite different from his father.’ She gave another sniff.

  Anna placed a hand on her arm. She wasn’t sure what had caused this softening of her mother-in-law’s shell, but she was thankful for it nonetheless.

  Lisa broke the awkward silence that had fallen over the room. ‘I must say, Shania, you’re looking fantastic. Kaylee’s four already, but I’m still carrying pounds of baby weight.’

  Stella turned to look at the girl in her stretch leggings. ‘Well, if it’s weight you want to lose, you should cut out scoffing those biscuits for a start.’ She humphed and Anna laughed.

  Stella Montgomery was back in the room.

  *

  It was early evening by the time all the guests had left. The twins were sleeping.

  ‘What a wonderful day!’ Shania almost sang as she immersed Joshua and David’s bottles in the sterilising unit.

  ‘It really was.’ Anna looked up at the unmistakeable sound of a sob coming from her friend, who had only seconds before seemed so happy. ‘Oh, honey, what’s the matter?’

  Shania leant on the countertop. ‘I am so grateful to you, Anna, and I always will be.’

  ‘It’s been my pleasure. I love having you all here, you know that.’

  Shania nodded. ‘And I love my boys, you know I do.’ She shook her head. ‘But it’s not the same without Samuel – nothing is. He is what makes me feel safe, keeps me steady. Boring or not, I want him with me.’

  ‘Don’t cry, my love. Come on, no more tears.’ Anna walked forward and took her friend in her arms. ‘There’s only one way to fix this. Now, are you going to call him or am I?’

  As Shania made the call in the kitchen, Anna headed up to Theo’s study, curious as to what was so urgent about the sheet of paper in the pen box on his desk.

  Quietly closing the door behind her, she frowned at the loose papers scattered all over Theo’s desktop. She sat in his deep leather chair and ran her hand over the much more neatly stacked files and letters ranged along the shelf to the side. Her fingers wandered over the inlaid lid of the vintage pen box. Opening it, she pulled out a single sheet of paper. She wasn’t quite sure what she was looking at until she unfolded it and her eyes fell upon the title: My Anna Bee.

  Pulling it free, she lifted it to her face and read with interest.

  Here we go, Anna, my first ever attempt at the alphabet game...

  A... Anna.

  B... beautiful.

  She looked up – ‘What on earth?’ – before resuming her reading, running down the list.

  C... courageous, so much more courageous than me.

  D... determined.

  E... eager.

  F... funny.

  G... gorgeous.

  H... hopeful.

  I... interesting.

  J... jenuine.

  Anna looked away and laughed.

  K... kind.

  L... lift buddy.

  M... mine.

  N... nice.

  O... open.

  P... patient.

  Q... quizzical.

  R... ravishing.

  S... sexy.

  T... trustworthy.

  U... uncomplicated.

  V... valiant.

  W... wife. My wife!

  X... xtraordinary.

  Y... youthful.

  Z... zoofriendly (you do sponsor several animals!).

  She laughed and spoke into the ether. ‘That’s me, Theo, I am your xtraordinary liftbuddy and I am here waiting for you. I miss you. I miss you, my man who makes it sunny even when it’s raining.’

  She gathered the dirty coffee cups and empty plates scattered with crumbs that had been collecting by the side of her bed and took them to the kitchen. After popping them into the dishwasher, she sat at the kitchen table, picked up her ink pen and flipped open her writing pad.

  Theo’s list had filled her with a kind of energy. All was not lost, it couldn’t be, not when those were the words he’d used to describe her. She was ready. Ready to fight for their future.

  Dear Fifi and Fox,

  Life is funny.

  You never can tell how things are going to turn out, but that’s nothing to be afraid of, in fact that’s what makes life exciting!

  I sometimes stop and think of how my life was when my mum died and I look at the life I have now and it’s like two lives, one so sad and lonely, and the other so full and happy – this life with Lisa, Kaylee and Micky, and my puppy, Griff, and Jordan and Levi, and Melissa, and Stella, and Shania and the twins, all the people that I have around me who love me, and I feel so lucky.

  I am so lucky.

  I wonder what would Michael Harper have said about today? What might he have had if he hadn’t hidden in the shadows and what might I? It’s made me think about what Theo is missing, and that’s not right. It’s not fair.

  I don’t know what will happen next, no one does, but I do know it’s important to remember that I am happy right now. I look over my shoulder, look back at the path that has brought me here, and I realise how far I’ve come. I feel proud that I didn’t fall through the cracks and Theo has played a huge part in that. I miss him. I miss him so much. I want him to come home. I can’t wait for him to come home!

  So what about you two? Little Fifi and Fox...

  I want you both to know that the joy you have given me, picturing you in my mind and clinging to the idea of you when all around me was stormy, well, you’ve been very important to me. You two have been the anchor when I felt like sticks on the river. You’ve kept me grounded, given me sanctuary, and for that I will always be very grateful.

  Once again I send my desire for motherhood out into the universe. I haven’t given up my dream, not yet. Today made me think, who knows, maybe there’s an empty corner in the life of a little girl called Sophie, maybe she might like to have a spare mum just like me...

  The phone in the kitchen rang. Before answering it, she quickly finished her letter.

  I can but hope. There is always hope!

  And I do so with love.

  Anna X

  We hope you enjoyed Anna’s story

  Theo’s story is coming in late spring 2018

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  About Amanda Prowse

  AMANDA PROWSE is the author of sixteen novels including the number 1 bestsellers What Have I Done?, Perfect Daughter and My Husband’s Wife. Her books have sold millions of copies worldwide, and she is published in dozens of languages.

  Amanda lives in the West Country with her husband and two sons.

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  About No Greater Love

  Amanda Prowse’s No Greater Love sequence is a series of contemporary stories with love at their core. They feature characters whose histories interweave through the generations: ordinary men and women who do extraordinary things for love. They are stories to keep you from switching off the bedside lamp at night, stories to remember long after the final page is turned...

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  About No Greater Courage

  Amanda Prowse’s No Greater Courage sequence stars women who have to find the strength to overcome adversity. The thread that runs through these n
ovels is that they all feature extraordinary women who have to dig deep and find resilience they didn’t know they had, just to survive. They are not wealthy, stunning or massively successful, they are instead ordinary women who, when it comes to it, will do all they can to fight for what’s best for their family. Women like you and me...

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