Rachel nodded slowly. “I have to figure out why I’m avoiding him.”
“I would. This is a big deal. This is the rest of your life.”
She hugged Crissy. “I’m sorry about what happened to you. I wish I could make it better.”
“It’s okay. All of this is my responsibility. I can handle it.”
“You shouldn’t have to handle it alone. If you want to talk, or decide to go meet him, I’m happy to be there. Really.”
“I appreciate that. Right now I’m not doing anything.”
Rachel managed a smile. “That’s kind of how I feel.”
Crissy touched Rachel’s stomach. “I have time on my side. You don’t. There’s going to be a baby before you know it. Trust me, they change everything. Even when you don’t keep them.”
Rachel nodded. She knew her friend was right. A baby would change everything. The question was what would she do about it?
Carter or not Carter. What did he want from her? Just as important, what did she want from him?
CHAPTER TWELVE
RACHEL PACED HER apartment restlessly. Normally she loved a day off midweek. It was unexpected and she always felt so decadent sleeping in when she would normally be rushing around to get ready. But despite the time off work, today she felt out of sorts and jumpy. She couldn’t settle in to any one task. It was time to do some serious pruning on her plants and even that didn’t excite her.
It was all because she hadn’t talked to Carter in nearly a week, she thought grimly. She’d picked up the phone about fifty times, but hadn’t made the call. Partly because she wanted him to come to her and partly because she didn’t know what to say.
He’d been wrong about her. Totally and completely wrong. Absolutely wrong and maybe just a little right.
She stalked out onto her back balcony and started plucking off dead flowers. “So I don’t embrace the world with open arms,” she muttered. “He does that enough for any five people. I care. I have friends. I know how to love. I...”
Love. Somehow the word got stuck in her brain. She believed in love. She desperately wanted to be in love. She wanted to feel safe and cared for and as if she finally belonged. She wanted to be home.
But the thought of loving and being loved and depending on that love terrified her. Loving meant losing and that was so not for her.
Rachel straightened. What did that mean? That she was letting fear rule her life?
“Of course not,” she muttered. “I’m being careful and sensible, which does not define Carter.”
He was all things wild, which made him exciting in bed, but what about in the real world? Did she want that kind of uncertainty every day? She still believed he’d set her up—establishing ground rules and then punishing her for following them. But if they were both wrong then neither of them could be right. She really hated that.
With her plants plucked, she returned to her apartment and glanced at the to-do list she’d prepared for herself. Nothing sounded very exciting, but folding laundry was a must. She cleared the coffee table, dumped everything on the sofa, then flipped on the TV to keep her company.
But instead of a morning talk show, she found herself staring at a helicopter shot of a street. A familiar street.
“This is live coverage of a standoff in Riverside. The police spokesman tells us that their raid on a motorcycle repair shop went bad when suspects opened fire. Two people have been shot, although they are still trapped inside. Until suspects release them, they will be unable to receive medical attention.”
The reporter kept talking, but Rachel wasn’t listening. She recognized the building in the center of the television as the one where Carter was working. Which meant he was inside. Had they found out he was an undercover cop?
Panic gripped her. Panic and fear. She lunged for the phone and started to dial his cell only to hang up midnumber. She couldn’t phone him. She had no idea what was happening. If the phone rang at the wrong time, it could get him killed.
Now what? Her thoughts whirled frantically. Her chest hurt and she had trouble breathing. Now what?
Not knowing what else to do, she grabbed her purse and her car keys, then hurried downstairs. Fifteen minutes later, she pulled up in front of Carter’s mother’s house. After the fight she’d had with Carter, she wasn’t sure how she would be welcomed.
Shelly answered her knock.
“I was worried,” Rachel said by way of explanation.
“Of course you were. We all are.”
“Is it okay that I’m here?”
Shelly smiled. “You’re family, Rachel. Where else would you go?”
Some of the fear was replaced by relief. Until that moment, she hadn’t realized how much she’d been worried about everyone hating her for arguing with Carter. But based on Shelly’s reaction, she wondered if they even knew there’d been a falling-out.
But if their plan had been to pretend date and then have a pretend fight for the sake of his relatives, why hadn’t he told them about the real disagreement?
Shelly ushered her into the family room at the back of the house. Nina was sitting on the sofa with Liz and Merry on either side of her. The TV was on the same channel as Rachel’s had been. When the older woman saw her, she stood and embraced her.
“We talked about calling you,” Nina said as she clutched Rachel’s arms. “I thought you’d be at work. You’re not teaching today?”
Rachel shook her head. “No. It’s one of those weird holidays where only schools close. When I saw what had happened, I didn’t know what to do, so I came here. I hope you don’t mind.”
“Of course not,” Merry said, scooting over to make room on the couch. “We’re all worried. Of course Carter is going to be all right, but until we know for sure...”
Her voice trailed off. Rachel understood. She felt exactly the same way. Of course Carter was fine. How could he be anything but? Still, until she knew for sure, it was difficult to think about anything else.
Liz jumped to her feet. “I’m going to get something to drink. Is there coffee, Mama? Should I make a pot?”
“You can make some more,” Nina told her. “Rachel, I have herbal tea. Would you like that? To soothe you?”
Rachel didn’t think tea would help, but she sensed Liz wanted to be doing something. “That would be nice. Thank you.”
“I’ll help,” Shelly said and joined her sister in the kitchen.
Merry clutched her mother’s hand. “I can’t stand this,” she whispered. “The only thing worse than Carter being there would be Adam inside, too.”
“Until we know better, we assume the best,” Nina said firmly, even as she stroked her daughter’s short, dark hair. “Carter knows what he’s doing. He’s smart and capable. He’s good at his job. How many people are in the building? Ten? Twenty? He’s not one of the ones who was shot. You’ll see. And if he is, he’s strong. He’ll pull through. He has Rachel and the baby to live for.”
Nina held out her free hand and Rachel took it. As their fingers clutched tightly, she felt both the older woman’s emotional strength and her own guilt.
Carter didn’t have her to live for. Even though she hadn’t intentionally kept him out of the loop with the baby, that was how he felt. So he didn’t have that, either.
She told herself that Carter was a tough guy and that she wouldn’t make or break his survival. But still, she worried.
The women sat together for several hours. The standoff continued. Rachel forced herself to nibble on a sandwich for the sake of the baby, even though every bite made her want to throw up. Nina stayed strong. Only the trembling in her fingers betrayed her worry. Merry, Liz and Shelly clung to each other and promised that Carter would be fine.
Shortly after one in the afternoon, someone shot tear gas into the building. Several p
olice officers stormed inside and there was the sound of gunshots. Rachel’s breath caught in her throat. She couldn’t stand watching this, but not knowing was worse. Carter, she prayed desperately. Please let Carter be all right.
Twenty minutes later, the worst was over. Paramedics rushed in and three men were brought out on stretchers. The women crowded around the television, trying to see if one of them was Carter. Suddenly the phone rang.
Nina rushed to grab it.
Merry clutched Rachel’s arm. “They’ll let us know either way,” she whispered. “If he’s been hurt, his captain will call. If he’s all right, he’ll call.”
Merry’s fingers dug into Rachel’s skin, but she didn’t pull back. She waited and prayed until Nina said, “Carter, is that you?”
There was silence, then Nina sank into a chair and began to cry. She held up her hand and nodded through the tears.
“He’s fine,” she mouthed. “He’s fine.”
Rachel and Merry embraced, while Shelly and Liz did the same. Then they huddled in a heartfelt group hug as Rachel felt her tension begin to ease.
“It’s hard,” Liz told her, wiping away her own tears. “Knowing Frank risks his life every day is so hard, but I get through it. We all do. We have each other and you have us.”
Rachel touched her face and was surprised to find her cheeks damp. Apparently she’d given in to tears, too.
“We stay strong for each other,” Shelly said.
“I can see that.” Rachel’s throat was still tight, so it hurt to speak.
These women kept each other going. She envied the connection they had and how they were there for each other. She’d always wanted that.
Nina hung up the phone. “He’s fine. He had to go help with the arrests and give a statement. There will be paperwork.”
Her daughters groaned. “There’s always paperwork,” Merry said. “You get used to it.”
Nina smiled at Rachel. “You get used to all of it. Would I have liked Carter’s father to be in a less dangerous line of work? Of course. But he was who he was. I didn’t want to change him. So you pray, you keep busy, you love while you can.”
Rachel nodded. It made sense and in a perfect world, that was what would happen. But her problems with Carter weren’t about his job. They were about so much more.
“I should get going,” she said. “I’m so glad he’s fine.”
Nina hugged her. “He’s a good man, my Carter.”
“Yes, he is. One of the best.”
That much was true. Carter’s goodness wasn’t in question. Instead, she had to wonder about her feelings and his feelings and what each of them wanted and when their rules of pretend dating had suddenly changed.
* * *
CARTER FINISHED UP his paperwork at about eight that night. He was exhausted, but it had been a day he’d worked hard for and it had come out right. The bad guys were in jail or the hospital, the good guys were safe and he was damn proud to be a cop.
He drove home and parked in his driveway, but instead of going inside, he crossed the street and knocked on his mother’s door. He wasn’t going to stay, but she’d insisted on seeing him that night, swearing she wouldn’t sleep until she knew for herself that he was fine.
She opened the door and instead of speaking, she just pulled him close.
He held her awkwardly, feeling how small she was and knowing he’d put her through hell that day.
“I’m fine,” he murmured.
“Of course you are. Why wouldn’t you be? You were just doing your job. Still, when the bullets go flying, a mother has a right to worry.”
“You’re good at that.”
She stepped back and smiled at him. “I’ve had practice. We all have.”
“The girls were here?”
Dumb question, he thought. Once word spread, all three of his sisters would end up here.
“And Rachel,” his mother said. “She saw the standoff live on TV and came over. I’m glad she did. A time like this, a woman needs her family around her.”
“Rachel was here?”
“Where else would she go?”
Interesting question, he thought. He’d wondered about her. But they hadn’t talked in a while and he’d figured she was still mad at him.
“She was worried,” his mother said, poking him in the chest. “And in her condition, she shouldn’t have to worry so much.”
“I know. So, um, she left?”
“After you’d called to say you were safe. You haven’t talked?”
He shook his head.
His mother pushed him out the door. “So go. Call. Be with her. She was frantic, Carter. This kind of thing is hard for all of us, but for Rachel it’s also new. Go show her you’re fine.”
“Thanks, Mama,” he said. “I love you.”
She smiled. “I love you, too. You make me very proud.”
He stepped off the porch and headed back to his place.
So Rachel had been at his mother’s. What did that mean? Had her fear been bigger than her anger? Should he call? Go by? He swore under his breath and opened his front door.
He hated not knowing what to do next, mostly because it never happened to him. He always knew. Getting involved was easy. Only this time it wasn’t. This time it was complicated in ways he couldn’t understand.
He flipped on the light by the door then came to a stop when he saw Rachel curled up on his sofa. Goldie lay at the other end, her head on Rachel’s thigh.
Rachel opened her eyes and smiled at him. “Hey. Liz showed me where you kept the spare key, so I let myself in. I fed Goldie and decided to just wait. I wanted to see if you were okay.”
“I’m fine.”
“I can see that.” She pushed herself into a sitting position and lowered her bare feet to the floor. “I thought you might call.”
“I didn’t know if you wanted to hear from me.”
Her green eyes were bright with emotion. “I did. Despite everything, I wanted to talk to you.”
Which told him what? That she’d been worried? Okay, worry was nice, but it wasn’t exactly what he was looking for.
“So talk.”
He lowered himself into the club chair opposite the sofa. Goldie wagged her tail but didn’t stir from her comfy place on the couch.
“Were you scared?” she asked.
Not exactly the subject he’d thought she’d bring up but if she needed to stall for a few minutes, he could respect that.
“Not really,” he told her. “No one in the shop thought I was a cop, so I was safe from them. An overeager shooter could have taken me out, but I figured the odds of that were slim. It was a waiting game.”
“I was terrified. So was your mom and your sisters. We knew people had been injured, but we didn’t know if it was you.”
He raised both hands, then glanced down at his chest. “I’m good.”
She shifted so she could stroke Goldie’s head. “You didn’t tell them about our fight. I thought you might, so I wasn’t sure if I would be welcome.” She glanced at him. “I thought you were looking for a chance for our pretend dating to end. Why didn’t you take it?”
“I didn’t think of it,” he told her honestly. He’d been angry about what had happened, and confused, but he’d never thought to tell anyone else about it.
Her eyes widened slightly. “Okay. I’ll go with that. But you set me up, Carter. You established the rules, then got mad because I followed them.”
He’d known they would get around to this eventually. “Maybe,” he admitted, hating that he had to. “But I made up the rules because of how you started things.”
“I didn’t know you,” she protested. “I never thought you’d be interested in having a baby with me.”
“Maybe y
ou should have gotten to know me before you assumed I was some jerk who would walk away from his kid.”
She pressed her lips together, then nodded. “You’re right. I found out I was pregnant and I freaked. Totally and completely. I guess I thought if there was no father, things would be easier.”
“You want to do everything on your own?”
“Not really, but I wasn’t very clear at the time.”
“And now?” he asked.
“Now I know you’re the kind of man who wants to be involved. And you will be.”
He studied her. “Is that good or bad?”
She smiled. “Both.”
He drew in a breath. “I didn’t set you up. Not on purpose. It just kind of happened. We had rules in place and you didn’t mind them.”
“Did you?” she asked, her voice sounding a little breathless.
“Some. I don’t know what I feel, Rachel, but we’re having a baby. I think our daughter deserves more than a halfhearted attempt to get to know each other. I think she deserves some serious effort.”
“You don’t know we’re having a girl.”
“Yeah, I do. It’s the one thing I’m very clear on.”
“I hope I have a boy just to shock you.”
He smiled. “I’d like that.”
She leaned toward him. “What do you want?”
Right that minute, he wanted her. In his arms, in his bed, under him, naked. He wanted to touch her and feel her. He wanted to close his eyes and go to sleep knowing she was there.
But that wasn’t what she was talking about. She meant what did he want in the big-picture sense. As in for more than today.
He stiffened as he realized his answer was the same. He wanted Rachel in his life. He wanted to wake up and have her next to him.
The truth was a bitch, he thought, not sure what to do with the information. He’d never been the guy who did long term, so why was he thinking about it now? Why her? Was it because they were having a baby together?
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