He shook his head. No, this was bigger than that.
“Carter? The question wasn’t supposed to be that hard.”
“I want us to try,” he said. “I want us to think about making it real.”
He wanted to say a whole lot more, but a warning voice told him if he pushed too hard too fast he would scare Rachel away. He still believed she held back, that strong emotion scared her and the last thing he wanted was for her to run.
She bit her lower lip. “Real as in really dating? Really getting involved?”
He nodded. “Can you handle that?”
She drew in a deep breath. “Yes, I can.” She smiled. “Okay, I’m a little nervous, but I’ll go with it.”
He didn’t want to give her too much time to think so he stood. After taking her hand, he pulled her to her feet and drew her close. “Nervous? Around me?”
“You’re a big, tough guy,” she said. “Dangerous.”
“Very dangerous,” he murmured, his mouth inches from hers. “Good in bed.”
She sighed. “You’re okay.”
That made him grin. “Just okay.”
She sniffed. “Some of your techniques need a little refining.”
He saw the teasing light in her eyes and heard it in her voice.
“What kind of refining? Want to tell me?” He bent down and swept her up in his arms. “Or better yet, want to show me?”
* * *
SATURDAY MORNING CARTER stepped out of the shower to find Rachel waiting for him in the bathroom. Since his bust had gone down the previous week, she’d been staying with him more than she’d been at home. He’d never lived with anyone before and he found he liked having her around.
One advantage of close, constant proximity was that they got to make love like regular people. Just last night they’d managed to get naked and talk before he’d had to claim her. Of course this morning they’d made love on the counter, while their waffles burned.
“Want to wash my back?” he asked as he reached for a towel. “I can get back in the shower.”
“I’d love to but your mom called. She asked if we could bring ice to the barbecue because her ice maker is acting up.”
“I’m not surprised,” he said. “It’s about a hundred years old. My sisters and I tried to buy her a new refrigerator for Christmas last year, but she found out and got mad. She said it was too much money. I explained split four ways, it’s not that much, but she wouldn’t listen. What?”
Rachel was smiling at him.
“I love listening to you talk about your family,” she told him. “There’s something warm in your voice. It makes me happy.”
“Yeah?” Despite the fact that he was still wet and she’d showered and dressed earlier, he pulled her close. “You make me happy.”
“I’m glad.”
They kissed. The second her mouth pressed against his, wanting poured through him. The instant and natural reaction jabbed her in the leg.
“You are consistent,” she said as she reached down and caressed him. “Normally I would totally agree, but we have to get ice and be there in half an hour.”
“Tonight,” he promised.
“Oh, yeah,” she said as she stepped back. “Even if I have to force you.”
She glanced down at his thigh, then frowned slightly. “I noticed that scar the first night we were together. It’s so unusual. What happened?”
He finished drying off, then wrapped the towel around his waist. “I was being an idiot, climbing up on the back of the sofa to hang shoelaces over the curtain rod. I was maybe six. Mama kept telling me to stop, that I’d hurt myself, and I did. I fell through the window and sliced my leg open. I remember her telling me that if it had been a couple of inches north, I would have been hating life.”
She winced. “I have to agree with her. I, for one, would have been deeply disappointed. Okay, big, bad guy. Go get dressed.”
She strolled out of the bathroom. He watched her go. Rachel didn’t seem to notice the changes in her body, but he could see them. Her breasts were fuller and, based on her recent ecstatic reactions to his touch, more sensitive. There was a slight curve to her stomach and thickening of her waist. She looked lush, like a woman coming in to her most beautiful time.
Carter was so used to feeling trapped and pressured in a relationship that he hadn’t known what it was like to feel that everything was right. He belonged with Rachel. She completed him and he wanted to be there for her. He wanted to hold her and support her and convince her that it was safe to care about him.
He wanted to love her.
Love. The one thing he never thought he would find. But he had. So what was he going to do about it?
* * *
AFTER ICING BROWNIES, Rachel survived the water fight, then cuddled Liz’s two girls as she dried them with a big towel in a sunny spot in the yard.
What a perfect day, she thought as the three of them sprawled on the grass and looked up at the clouds passing overhead.
“That one looks like Goldie,” Erin, the youngest, said.
“I can see that,” Rachel told her.
Around them the family laughed and talked. The guys had settled into a meaningful discussion about college bowl games, while the women kept an eye on the kids. Carter had ducked out about an hour ago and Rachel found herself listening for his arrival.
“Auntie Rachel, when I go to kindergarten next year, can I be in your class?” Erin asked.
Rachel ran her fingers through the little girl’s silky hair. “I think you’ll probably get Mrs. Reed for your teacher.”
Erin pouted. “But I want to be in your class.”
Rachel wasn’t sure how to explain the complications of her having a child by Erin’s uncle and how that would mean Erin would get a different teacher.
“Because I already know you and think you’re so great, Mrs. Reed is going to want a chance to get to know you, too,” she said. “I think you’ll like her. She’s a lot of fun. I’d want to be in her class.”
Erin giggled. “You’re too big and you’re a teacher. You can’t be in class.”
A shadow fell across them.
“Uncle Carter!” Erin sat up and grinned. “You’re back!”
“I am, Peanut.” He held out a hand. “I’m going to steal Rachel away for a few minutes. Okay?”
“Don’t be long.”
He chuckled. “I won’t.” He pulled Rachel to her feet.
“Where’d you run off to?” she asked. “I turned around and you were gone. Sneaking out on me?”
“Only now and then.”
He led the way to the front of the house, then across to his place. Once they were inside, he faced her.
Rachel gazed into his handsome face and felt an instant quivering low in her stomach. Just being alone with the man was enough to make her want to have her way with him. But before she could move close and kiss him, he took her hands in his.
“I want to talk to you,” he said, sounding serious.
“About?”
“A couple of things. I know how we met wasn’t what either of us would have planned, and then you got pregnant, which complicated things. It was a giant twist of fate and for a long time I was kind of pissed off that my life wasn’t in my control anymore.”
She wasn’t sure where he was going with this, but so far she agreed with him.
“I’ve never been a forever kind of guy,” he continued. “I didn’t get it. Other people fell in love and got married. Not me.”
There was something wrong with her ears, she thought suddenly. A faint buzzing, as if she had a cold. And her skin was all tight. Go. She had to go.
“Carter,” she began, but he shook his head.
“Let me finish.”
She d
idn’t need him to finish. He’d already said too much.
“I’m making this right,” he told her. “Not because I have to but because it’s what we both want. I love you, Rachel. I don’t know how it happened, but I do. You’re the one I want to be with forever. I want to learn everything about you. I want to share your hopes and dreams. I want us to make plans and have more kids and make a life. Just you. Only you.”
He let go of her hands. Before she could run, he pulled a jewelry box out of his jeans pocket, then opened it. A beautiful solitaire diamond glimmered in the afternoon.
“It’s taken me a long time to get here,” he said, “but there’s nowhere else I’d rather be. I love you, Rachel. Will you marry me?”
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
RACHEL STARED AT the ring, then at Carter. Panic swept through her and with it, the need to run as far and as fast as she could. This was wrong. She didn’t want to get married. Not to Carter. No. No! This wasn’t happening. He couldn’t be ruining everything like this.
“You’re moving too fast,” she said, barely able to catch her breath. The door beckoned, but she knew that she couldn’t just bolt. Not without talking to him first.
“We’re having a baby.”
“I know, but marriage is not required.”
Some of the light faded from his eyes. He closed the jewelry box. “You don’t want to marry me,” he said flatly.
“Carter, look. You’re a great guy. You’re practically perfect. You’re terrific. If I had to have a baby like this, you’re the one I’d pick to do it with. But why change things? We have a good relationship. Let’s not change that. We don’t need the pressure.”
She felt herself inching backward as she spoke. The door was so close, she thought frantically. If she could just get outside, then maybe she could breathe.
Carter couldn’t believe this was happening. After all this time, after all the women he’d dated, the ones who had begged him to marry them, he’d finally fallen for the only one not interested in him that way. Here he was, ring in hand, heart exposed and from the looks of things, Rachel couldn’t wait to get away from him.
Was it payback? A big cosmic joke on his behalf? Except he’d never led anyone on. He’d done his best to be honest.
Everything hurt. He’d been so sure that once Rachel knew how he felt about her, she’d be able to let go and love him back. He’d believed her feelings were right there, ready to burst free. Talk about being wrong.
She touched his arm. “I’m honored. Truly. I know this is a big deal. To be honest, some of what you said before is true. I do kind of hold back emotionally. So why push that? Why risk tying yourself down with someone who isn’t exactly what you want?”
“Don’t try to make this about me,” he told her, feeling his temper rise. Anger might just be a mask for the pain of rejection, but right now a mask seemed like a good idea. “You’re the one not willing to take a chance.”
She took a step back. “It’s my choice to make. Just because you’re willing to make a commitment doesn’t mean I am, too. It’s a question, not an obligation.”
He knew that. She was right about all of it, but he couldn’t help wanting to lash out and hurt her.
“You’re not making a choice,” he said angrily. “You’re running. Reacting to something that happened fourteen years ago. You’ll never be free of your loss if you don’t let yourself love again. Let yourself trust and be vulnerable.”
Her gaze narrowed. “Sure. Because this couldn’t possibly be about anything else. After all, the amazing Carter proposed. If I’m not falling at your feet in gratitude, there must be something wrong with me.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You implied it. I don’t want to marry you, Carter. I just don’t. Think what you want, but that’s my bottom line.”
With that, she turned and left. The front door closed behind her.
Fifteen minutes later, he walked into the Blue Dog Bar. Someone yelled his name but before he could answer, the half-full bar erupted in applause.
“Good job,” one of the cops yelled. “Not getting dead is always a good job.”
Carter nodded and waved. He appreciated the support and praise for the successful raid, but right now he had other things on his mind.
“Drinks are on the house,” Jenny said as he took a seat at the long counter. “Even the good stuff.”
“Just a beer,” he told her.
She poured and set the glass in front of him, then frowned. “What’s wrong? You don’t have hero face.”
“I’m no hero. I did what I was supposed to do and this time the bad guys didn’t win. End of story.”
“You should be a little more excited than that.”
Instead of answering, he pulled the jewelry box out of his pocket and passed it across to her. She opened it and gazed at the ring.
“Very nice. I’m impressed.”
“She wasn’t. Rachel passed.”
“Ouch.” Jenny closed the box. “I’m sorry.”
“Is that it? Shouldn’t you want to gloat? Maybe call a few other exes and have them in for a party? Carter finally got his.”
Jenny untied her apron. “I’m taking a break, Jon,” she yelled to the other bartender, then came around the counter and grabbed Carter’s arm. When she’d guided him into the breakroom and closed the door, she turned on him.
“What are you talking about?” she asked. “What’s going on? I’ve never wished bad things would happen to you.”
“I know. Sorry. Just a knee-jerk reaction from the biggest jerk.” He sank into a plastic chair and closed his eyes. “Why didn’t I see it coming? Why did I think it would be okay? I’m the one who didn’t believe in love or forever. I finally meet someone who makes me want to believe and now it’s going to be okay? Who am I kidding?”
He hurt from the inside out. He hurt in ways he hadn’t thought possible. He looked at Jenny. “Did I do this to you? Did I make you feel this crappy? Did I make you ache and bleed?”
She crouched in front of him. “It wasn’t all that bad. I loved you, but not so much that I couldn’t recover. I know it hurts now, but you’ll get better. That old saying about time healing is true. The edges blur. Besides, aren’t you jumping to conclusions? You caught Rachel off guard. Maybe she’ll come around.”
Not likely, he thought grimly, wishing he hadn’t left his beer at the bar. This seemed as good a time as any to get drunk.
“Rachel isn’t coming around. She isn’t interested in being in love. It scares her.” He explained how she’d lost her family and been left alone in the world.
“So her reaction isn’t about you,” Jenny said as she stood and pulled a plastic chair close to his. “She’s doing it out of fear.”
“I’d hoped she’d be motivated by something else. Something stronger than fear. I was wrong.”
He’d known there was a risk, but he’d been stupid enough to think he could win. She was lost to him. He knew that and it left him empty.
“So you’re just giving up?” Jenny asked.
He looked at her. “What should I do? Bully her into marrying me? Either she wants me or she doesn’t.”
“It’s not that simple. Rachel obviously wants to be with you. She’s been spending enough time with you. A case could be made that you changed the rules with no warning. Maybe you could give her a little time to catch up.”
“And if she doesn’t?”
“Then you’re where you are now. But if you give up and walk away, there’s no chance.”
He leaned forward. His gut felt as if he’d taken a hit from a three-hundred-pound linebacker. “She either loves me or she doesn’t. My wanting things to be different won’t change that.”
“You said she’s dealing with her past. Is it possible she doesn’t kn
ow what she feels? That she’s only reacting? Give her time. Let her miss you. See what happens before you walk away.”
He shrugged. “Sure.” He could give Rachel all the time she needed and then some. What did it matter? He wasn’t interested in being with anyone but her. Missing her, aching for her, would fill his days anyway.
Jenny smiled. “You could have a little faith in love.”
“I have plenty of faith in love. It’s Rachel’s faith I’m questioning.”
* * *
WHILE RACHEL DIDN’T actually expect to hear from Carter, she still missed him over the next few days. She was torn between the need to see him and annoyance over what he’d done.
He could have given her a little warning. They’d gone from pretend dating to a proposal in an eighth of a second. He’d changed things so fast, she’d reacted without thinking. Without saying anything. She had a bad feeling she’d hurt him.
She wanted to tell herself that she hadn’t—that Carter wasn’t capable of deep emotions. Only that wasn’t true. He didn’t lie and he’d told her he loved her. When she thought about him saying that, she got all gooey inside. Like she wanted to give the world a hug. But then she thought about marriage and her whole body went cold.
Marriage was out of the question. Maybe it was her past. Maybe he was right and she did keep people at arm’s length. So what? It was her right. All she knew was that she wasn’t interested in forever.
But she hadn’t meant to reject Carter like that. He’d proposed and she’d acted badly so the next step was up to her. Even without marriage, there was still the baby to consider.
She picked up the phone, then put it down. She had no idea what to say to him. Obviously they should talk, but about what?
She reached for the phone, but this time it rang. She snatched up the receiver.
“Hello?”
“Rachel! It’s Nina. I’m cooking dinner on Friday night. Just family. I feel the need to have everyone I love around my table. Six o’clock. Say you’ll be here.”
“I...” She opened her mouth to refuse, then hesitated. Nina was going to be her baby’s grandmother and the only grandparent. Sure, the night might be awkward, but better to get that awkwardness over now. Plus, Rachel wanted an opportunity to talk to Carter. “I’d love to.”
Circle of Friends Complete Collection Page 36
