He grinned and looked uncomfortable at the same time.
“One of things I really liked about them was how they were so open about the adoption,” she continued. “They wanted you to know from the beginning. Abbey sent pictures and letters, telling me how you were, so I could watch you grow up.”
“But you didn’t come see me.”
She knew she had to tread carefully here. She wasn’t interested in protecting herself as much as she wanted to make this as easy for Brandon as possible.
“I didn’t know how to be involved without everything being confusing,” she admitted. “Abbey is one of those women who knows exactly how to be a mom. I’m not. One of the reasons I picked adoption was that I was terrified of doing everything wrong. It was part of being young. So I thought letting you grow up feeling safe and secure was the best thing.”
She would tell him more later—when he was older and could understand about regrets and second-guessing.
“But lately I’ve had this feeling that it was time,” she said. “I contacted your parents and they agreed that we should get to know each other. If everything went well, we would figure out a way to tell you who I was. I guess we don’t have to have that conversation now.”
One corner of his mouth turned up. “I guess not.”
“I’m sorry you overheard that conversation. It must have been really hard to learn that and not be able to talk about it.”
He shrugged. “I didn’t know what to tell my mom. I didn’t know what she was thinking or how mad she’d be. Not that she gets mad at stuff like that. I thought a lot about it. It’s weird, you know? The parent stuff. With my friends, I see how someone looks like his dad or turns his head like his brother. I never had that. But with you...”
“Same eyes, same smile.”
“I’m good at sports,” he said eagerly. “You’re good at sports, too.”
“So’s your dad,” she said without thinking.
Brandon’s expression changed to one of hopeful longing. “You mean my birth dad?”
Crissy wasn’t sure if that was the term for it, but it worked. It was classier than “the guy who got her pregnant and didn’t want to marry her.” Not that she’d been interested in getting married, either, but still.
“Yes, your birth dad. Marty. He played football in high school. You look a lot like him. He was funny and smart. He went to West Point. Do you know what that—”
Brandon cut her off with an impatient eye roll. “Yes, I know. It’s the Army college for officers. One of my friend’s sisters goes there. They let girls in now.”
Crissy couldn’t tell if he was impressed or revolted by the thought.
“I’ve lost touch with him,” she said. “I could try to find him, if you’d like.”
Brandon shrugged. “Maybe later.”
Right. Because one new birth parent was probably enough.
“You’re also a lot like my dad and my brother,” she said. “Your build.”
His eyes widened. “You have a brother?”
“And a sister. My parents are still alive, so I’m thinking you have a whole lot more family out there.”
“Do they know about me?”
“Absolutely. They know I’ve been meeting you and they’re hoping they can meet you, too.” Her entire family was threatening a visit in the not too distant future. “More grandparents is a pretty cool thing. Plus, I have nieces and nephews, which means you have cousins. You’re the oldest.”
Crissy wanted to say more, like that they would all get together at some point, but she didn’t want to overcommit. Not when Brandon was just learning about her and her family and she didn’t know how everything was going to play out.
She knew her parents would be thrilled to finally meet him.
“Brandon,” she said slowly. “What happened all those years ago was about me. I was young and scared and I didn’t know what to do. Pete and Abbey were so great that I knew they deserved you. I wanted what was best for you.”
And easiest for her, she thought with a flash of guilt.
Yet even as she started to beat herself up, she wondered if she really could have done a better job raising him. She’d been a kid with no job, no education. She had many great qualities, but she wasn’t a born mother, like Abbey. Could she truly say that keeping Brandon would have been better for him?
Before he could say anything, there was a knock on the front door. Crissy and Brandon walked toward it, then Brandon broke into a run and jerked open the front door.
“Uncle Josh,” he said, flinging himself at the man. “You came. Mom tried to call you before, but you didn’t answer.”
“I’m sorry,” he said, pulling Brandon close. “My battery went out on my pager. I didn’t realize it until I figured out it had been quiet for too long.”
He looked at her over Brandon’s head. “Is everything all right?”
All the strength drained out of her. She, too, wanted to be in his capable arms and have him hold her close. She wanted to know that he would take care of her and whatever problems she had.
“Hope got sick,” Brandon said. “Her asthma was really bad and she couldn’t breathe. Mom had to call nine-one-one. Dad’s at a fire and you didn’t answer your pager and the neighbors are all gone, so she called Crissy. Emma was real scared when the ambulance arrived. She’s asleep now. Crissy came and we watched a movie and made hot chocolate.”
“Sounds like things here are under control,” Josh said as he watched her. “You okay?”
She wasn’t sure, but she didn’t want to say that in front of Brandon. So she nodded.
“Good.” Josh released his nephew and smiled at him. “I think PJs are in order.”
“Mom said we could sleep on the sofa in the family room. You know, together, so Emma doesn’t get scared.”
“Good idea. Go get changed and we’ll all crash on the sofa. How does that sound?”
“Great.”
Brandon ran down the hall.
When they were alone, Josh crossed to her and put his hands on her shoulders. “What’s wrong? You look upset. Did the Hope thing freak you out?”
“It was horrible, but no. Abbey handled all that.” She glanced around to make sure Brandon hadn’t returned, then lowered her voice. “He knows who I am. When Emma fell asleep, he asked me if I was his birth mother. I didn’t know what to say. He overheard Pete and Abbey talking a couple of days ago. I felt so horrible that he’d been carrying that around inside.”
Josh swore softly. “I’m with you on that. Poor kid. What did you tell him?”
“The truth. That I was. We’ve been talking about it, but I don’t know if I said too much or not enough. I don’t know if he’s all right or more confused. What if he hates me?”
Josh leaned in and kissed her. “He doesn’t hate you. He totally respects how you play football and for a twelve-year-old boy, that’s close to worship.”
She wanted that to be true, although at this point, just tolerating her seemed like a win.
“I feel so bad that he had to go through that alone,” she said. “What if I made things worse?”
“You didn’t,” Josh said firmly. “Want me to talk to him and confirm my theory?”
“That would be great.”
Josh saw the worry in Crissy’s eyes and heard the concern in her voice. He liked that she’d connected so much with Brandon. Now that the kid knew the truth, there was no going back. Having Crissy care so much would make things easier for Brandon.
“Be right back,” he said and followed his nephew down that hall. A quick glance at his watch told him it was after ten. In another hour he would call the hospital and check on Hope’s condition.
He walked into Brandon’s room. “You ready for some serious relaxation?”
“Uh-huh.”
Josh sat on the boy’s bed and patted the spot next to him. “Have a seat.”
Brandon eyed him warily. “What? Oh.” His expression cleared. “Crissy told you what I said.”
“She did and I want to make sure you’re handling it all right. Talk about a lot of information.”
Brandon sank onto the bed. “It wasn’t so bad. I knew I was adopted and I guess I always sort of figured I had a mother out there. Sometimes I thought she might be dead. I didn’t spend a lot of time wondering, you know?”
He didn’t, but he could imagine. “Crissy’s pretty cool.”
Brandon shot him a grin. “For a girl.”
“Don’t let her hear you say that.”
“I know. Man, she’s really sensitive about the girl thing. But I like her, so it’s okay.”
Josh wasn’t sure how much to say or what questions to ask. The only thing he knew for sure was to make sure Brandon understood he was loved and wanted. “She was pretty young when she got pregnant.”
“That’s what she said. In high school. That’s real young to have a baby. It’s better to wait until you’re older and married.” He grimaced. “I don’t know if I want to get married.”
Josh held in a chuckle. “You don’t have to decide tonight. The point is her decision to give you up for adoption was about where she was. It wasn’t about you.”
“She told me that, too. Jeez. I know Mom and Dad love me, okay? I’m not going to start acting up because I don’t feel special.”
Josh grabbed him and wrestled him onto his back, then tickled his ribs. “You think you’re so smart. You think you know everything.”
“I am smart,” Brandon gasped as he laughed and squirmed. “Okay, okay. I give.”
Josh released him. “They wanted you. From the second they met Crissy, they wanted you. I was still in medical school. I remember Pete meeting me outside one of my classrooms at lunch. He’d said it was really important.” Josh grinned as he remembered his brother’s excitement. “He went on and on about the pregnant high-school girl he and Abbey had met the night before. How great she was and how much she wanted the best for her baby. Pete said he knew that baby, her baby, was the one. That he or she was going to be their firstborn. That was you, kid.”
“Yeah?” Brandon straightened and squared his shoulders. “I am amazing.”
Josh laughed. “Yes, you are. A little self-absorbed, but I can tickle that out of you.”
Brandon scooted out of range.
“They love you,” Josh said.
“I know that.”
“We’re all going to be really boring and keep repeating that. Crissy being your birth mother doesn’t change who you are or where you belong.”
Brandon picked at the L.A. Dodgers comforter. “She’s got family. Parents. A brother and sister. They have kids. So they’re kind of related to me, too.” He looked up, his expression stricken. “Is that okay?”
“Of course. You’re allowed to have blood relatives.”
“I know, but I don’t want Mom or Dad to think they matter less, you know? Or you. I mean I have another uncle now, but he’ll never be like you.”
Josh grabbed Brandon and pulled him close. “You get to love as many people as you want. It’s better that way. More family is a good thing and your folks will be cool with that.”
“I’d never hurt them.”
“They know that. So you’ll get to know Crissy and meet the rest of your family. They’ll become a part of you, but this will always be your home.”
The boy relaxed. “Promise?”
“Absolutely.”
* * *
LATER, WHEN BRANDON had fallen asleep on the sectional sofa, Josh joined Crissy in the kitchen.
“And?” she asked. “Is it all right? Did I damage him permanently or can it be repaired?”
She looked worried and scared and more beautiful than he’d ever seen her. He crossed to where she stood by the cabinets, put his hands on her waist and then leaned in and kissed her.
She tasted of chocolate and temptation. Even though their lips barely touched and their bodies didn’t, wanting exploded inside of him. He ignored it, knowing this wasn’t the time or the place. But later?
“He’s fine. Better than fine,” he said. “He’s good. He understands what you told him, he doesn’t blame you for giving him up. His biggest worry is that he’s excited to meet the rest of your family and he doesn’t want that to hurt Pete or Abbey.”
Relief relaxed her features. “You sure? You’re not just saying that to make me feel better?”
“I swear, he’s doing great.” He recapped his conversation with Brandon. “As he pointed out, it helped that he knew he was adopted. So he’s always wondered about his birth mother. Overhearing what he heard only filled in the pieces for him. You’ve made the first step and it’s a good one.”
She exhaled slowly. “That’s a relief. I was stunned when he flat out asked if I was his birth mother. I couldn’t believe we were alone and there was no one to guide me through the conversation. I had to rely on instinct.”
“Your instincts are working just fine,” he said as he touched her face.
“Good to know. I want to talk to Abbey about all this. She’s going to get even more questions from him, I’m sure. She’ll be okay with this, right? She won’t hate me?”
“She won’t hate you.”
“She’s such a good person. I really respect her. And admire her. I want to be a part of Brandon’s life, but not as his mom. Abbey will always be that. She should be. But I could be someone else.”
“Be you,” he said, then kissed her again.
The wanting rose again. This time it was more insistent and accompanied by a physical manifestation. Rather than give in, he led her to the table where he was careful to sit far enough away that she was out of touching distance.
“What a night.” She leaned back in her chair. “What’s going on with Hope, do you think? Is she going to be all right?”
“I’m not a specialist, but I would guess she’ll do fine. She has the kind of asthma most kids outgrow. It’s scary but not always life-threatening.”
She smiled. “You’re a good guy to have around. I’m sure Pete and Abbey appreciate how great you are with the kids.”
“It takes a village,” he teased, watching the way her mouth moved when she smiled.
“In my case, it would take more of a town. I’m not the maternal type. But you seem to have the instinct.” She studied him. “I’ve seen you with Abbey’s kids, and with Alicia a couple of days ago. You’re terrific with kids. You know what to say and they adore you. So why don’t you have any of your own? Did you hold off because of Stacey’s illness?”
An innocent question, he thought, his good mood fading. A reasonable one, under the circumstances. But still, his insides knotted.
“I never wanted children,” he told her. “My work keeps me busy and I’m around kids all day so I’ve never felt the loss. Stacey couldn’t have kids, so that worked out. It was just the two of us. We talked about adopting, but our hearts weren’t in it. Once she got sick, we both realized we’d made the right decision.”
Josh kept talking, but Crissy wasn’t listening. Her brain was stuck on his casual “I never wanted children.”
It wasn’t possible. She refused to believe it. How could he not want kids? He was great with them. They adored him. He had instincts she could only dream about. He was born to be a father. He worked with children every day. So why didn’t he want any of his own?
She didn’t have any answers, which was pretty scary. What if she was pregnant? Did that mean Josh wouldn’t want to be a part of his child’s life? Just as important, what about her relationship with him? She’d thought he was someone she could genuinely care about.
She thought he could matter.
But however much she might be lacking the “mom” gene, she’d always seen herself having a family of her own someday. She couldn’t be with a man who wasn’t willing to share that.
The phone rang, breaking through her whirlwind of thoughts. Josh grabbed it.
“Hello?”
He listened for a minute, then smiled. “Good. I’m glad she’s okay. I’ll tell Crissy and the kids. Yes. Sure. Okay. See you when you get here.”
He hung up. “Hope’s fine. She and Abbey will stay the night at the hospital, just to be sure, then they’ll be home in the morning.”
“That’s a relief,” Crissy said.
“She’s leaving a message for Pete, telling him to go ahead and finish out his shift. I’m going to stay the night here. I’ve done it before. I have clothes in the guest room. You can head home if you want.”
Home? Right. She could go home.
She stood and wondered what she was supposed to say now. Judging from how Josh kept talking it was obvious he didn’t know he’d upset her, which was probably a good thing. She had no idea what she could say to him.
Her first reaction was to tell him he didn’t know what he was talking about. Of course he wanted children. But did she really know him? Making love with a man didn’t entitle her to the secrets of his soul. He could very well be telling the truth. She could be caught up in a big fat case of wishful thinking.
“I should go,” she said as she rose. “I have a busy day tomorrow.”
He stood and pulled her close. “You didn’t have to come over and take care of things like you did.”
“It was a crisis. I wasn’t going to refuse.”
“I like that about you.”
She gazed up into his eyes and wondered if it was too late not to care about him. “You need higher standards.”
“My standards are plenty high. You meet all of them.”
She forced herself to smile, then kiss him before leaving.
As she walked to the car, she knew that he was wrong about her. She didn’t meet all his standards. She wanted children and the loud, happy mess of a life that came with them. She might not have been ready before, when she’d gotten pregnant with Brandon, but she was now.
Circle of Friends Complete Collection Page 50
