It had taken her the past twelve years to figure out she could forgive herself for making the decision she had and finally allow herself to be happy. She knew what she wanted. If Josh didn’t want the same things she did—he wasn’t right for her.
Simple enough to say, she thought sadly as she drove into the night. But walking away wasn’t going to be easy. He was the best man she’d ever met. How was she supposed to find someone better?
* * *
TWO MORNINGS LATER Crissy stared at the neat row of plastic sticks. Some came with pluses, others had writing, but all the messages were exactly the same.
She was pregnant.
CHAPTER NINE
SATURDAY MORNING CRISSY drove over to join Rachel for Noelle’s “Baby Watch.” Noelle was close enough to popping that no one wanted her to be by herself. Dev had out-of-town clients he had to deal with so Rachel and Crissy had volunteered to be on duty.
When she’d agreed to help out, she’d thought only of being with her friend. Now as she curled up on the sofa in the well-decorated, bright family room, she thought about how much these women had come to mean to her.
They’d only known each other a little over two years, but in that time, they’d become so close. They’d gone through more than different knitting classes—they’d seen each other’s lives change for the better. She couldn’t imagine not having them to lean on.
Crissy watched as Noelle shifted in the chair.
“I can’t get comfortable,” she complained. “I was willing to be brave about it for a while, but now I’m just plain cranky. Do I have to be so huge? I’m not giving birth to a pod of whales. It should be just one seven or eight pound baby.”
“That’s a lot of baby,” Rachel said, sounding impressed.
“I’m still caught up on her knowing that whales traveled in pods,” Crissy teased. “Someone’s been watching Animal Planet.”
Noelle sighed. “I’m serious. I want the baby out now. I don’t care how.”
Crissy looked at Rachel. “She does have that great knife set in the kitchen.”
Rachel rubbed the sofa fabric. “The blood would stain.”
“That’s a problem.”
Noelle glared at her. “Take me seriously!”
Crissy crossed to the ottoman in front of her chair and grabbed one of her hands. “I know you’re uncomfortable, but it’s only for a few more days. Hang on. It’s going to be worth it. You’ll see.”
Noelle’s eyes filled with tears. “I know. I just want to see her so much. My back hurts, I’m swollen up like a water balloon. I look hideous. Dev is never going to be able to forget how hideous I look and he won’t want to have sex with me again.”
Crissy’s pain during her first pregnancy had been about missing the prom. She hadn’t had to think in terms of babies or marriages. Things were different when one was a grown-up.
“Now you’re scaring me,” Rachel said with a whimper in her voice. “I’ve changed my mind about being pregnant.”
“Don’t do that,” Noelle told her. “It’s wonderful. Really. I’m just having a bad day. Let’s change the subject to something fun. Like the wedding. How are plans coming?”
“Slowly,” Rachel said. “We haven’t set a date yet, but it will definitely be after the baby’s born. I want to be skinny in my dress.”
Crissy returned to the sofa. “You’ll be a beautiful bride.”
“I’ll do my best. I keep waiting for Carter’s family to get upset because I’m pregnant first and married later, but everyone has been great. After I lost my family all those years ago, I never thought I’d have that again. But now I do. He gave me a family.”
Her voice cracked as she spoke, then she wiped away tears. Noelle looked a little misty.
“Am I the only one still sane?” Crissy asked, worried that they were all about to start sobbing in unison, or worse, break out in song. “Let’s talk about something that doesn’t involve emotions. Wallpaper, maybe. Or some great barbecue ideas for the summer.”
Rachel wiped her eyes. “Sorry. You’re right. It must be really hard for you to deal with us. The whole pregnancy thing. I guess it’s like being the only sober person at a big party. You’ve been so there for us. We’re going to have to figure out a way to pay you back.”
Crissy opened her mouth, then closed it. To be honest, she’d been living in the happy land of denial for the past couple of days. The pregnancy tests had told her a truth she didn’t want to admit, so she’d ignored it. With the exception of giving up wine—hardly difficult as she rarely drank—and being sure she took her vitamins every day, she hadn’t changed anything about her life.
But like it or not, in about eight months, she was going to have a baby.
She still wasn’t sure how she felt about that. Part of her was practically giddy at the thought. A baby. She could handle a child now. She was more mature, more financially settled. She had a support system in place.
Part of her thought she was crazy. A baby? She didn’t know the first thing about being a mother. Her idea of domestic was to buy lettuce and salad dressing separately, instead of together in one of those premade salad bags. Had she thought to get Noelle a wonderfully practical present for the shower? A stroller or high chair or even diaper service? Not her. She’d gone with frilly dresses the baby would never wear.
There was also the complication of Josh, but she didn’t want to think about that because if she did, she would panic and that wouldn’t be pretty.
“Crissy?”
She looked up and saw both Noelle and Rachel staring at her.
“What’s wrong?” Noelle asked.
“Nothing. I’m fine. Great even. Perfect.”
Rachel frowned. “You don’t look fine. You’re not your normal bouncy self. What’s going on? Did something happen with Brandon?”
“Or with Josh?” Noelle asked.
“I...”
Something had happened with both of them. Something big.
“I...”
“You’re keeping secrets,” Rachel said, sounding disappointed. “Are you mad at us? Have we been too self-absorbed with our pregnancies? Do you hate us?”
Noelle instantly teared up. “Oh God. You think we’re too domestic. You’re so sophisticated. You have a successful business and you’re beautiful. I’m just some kid who got knocked up, right? You don’t want to be friends with me anymore. You think I’m stupid.”
Now the tears were flowing freely. Rachel looked as if she was seconds from giving in to emotion, as well. Crissy wanted to pound her head against the wall.
“Stop,” she said. “Just stop. I love you guys. I want to be friends, in fact I insist on it. I need you both. I’m going to need you a whole lot more in the next few months.”
They both stared at her. “What happened?” Rachel asked.
“A lot. I didn’t say anything because I’ve been sort of ignoring it myself. I think I’ve reached my crisis limit for this week.” She drew in a breath. It was probably better to start small and build up to the big announcement.
“Brandon knows I’m his birth mother.”
That stopped the tears.
Noelle wiped her face. “What happened?”
Crissy explained about Hope’s asthma attack and how she, Crissy, had gone over to help out.
“He just asked,” she said, remembering how she’d felt at that moment. “I honestly didn’t know what to say, how to explain. I didn’t want to hurt him or make him feel bad. I sort of let him lead the conversation. Later, when I talked to Abbey, she said everything had gone great and that Brandon was doing well. I hope she’s right.”
Rachel grinned at her. “So he knows you’re his mother.”
“Birth mother. And yes, there’s a difference. Abbey’s his mom. She’s been t
he one raising him for nearly thirteen years. I’m just...the vessel.”
“You’re more than that,” Noelle told her. “Besides, you want to be involved, don’t you? You want to be in his life.”
Crissy smiled. “I do. It’s so strange. I avoided thinking about him for years, but now that I’ve met him and I’ve seen our connection, I want more. I want to be a part of his world.”
“Regrets?” Rachel asked.
“Some. In my crazy moments, I wonder what it would have been like. But the rest of the time I know I made the right choice.”
“So you’ll be there for him, giving him advice.” Noelle shifted in her chair. “You’ll have the best of it. You get to be the cool adult in his life.”
“I’d like that.”
“So this is good,” Rachel said. “You should be happy.”
“I am, about that. But there’s more.” Crissy drew in a breath. How to explain the complications of Josh. “I, um... There are complications other than Brandon.”
“I thought you liked Josh,” Noelle said. “Don’t you?”
“I do. A lot. He’s a great guy. If I were to make a list of everything I want, he would hit all the high points. On the surface, he’s practically perfect, but underneath...not so much.”
“Meaning?” Rachel asked.
“He’s still in love with Stacey.”
“You don’t know that,” Noelle said firmly. “He’ll always have feelings for her. He’d be a jerk if he didn’t. But that’s not the same as being in love.”
“I know the difference and I have a feeling he’s falling on the ‘in love’ side of things. He hasn’t been with anyone but me since she died. That was four years ago. Don’t you think that’s taking mourning just a little too far?”
Rachel and Noelle exchanged a look that told Crissy the two of them had been talking about her situation.
“But he’s with you now,” Noelle said. “That has to mean something.”
“It does...”
“But?” Rachel asked.
“But I’m confused about a few things. What he does, helping those sick kids. It takes a lot out of him. He takes on the cases no one else will. It’s admirable. But does knowing any one of them could die mean he gets to hold back?”
She covered her face with her hands, then straightened and looked at her friends. “Okay, here’s my terrible thought for the day. Stacey had a kind of cancer that was likely to return. Odds were, when it did, it would claim her life. He knew that and he still wanted to marry her. Which is admirable. But is it possible part of the reason he loved her was that she was safe? Did he marry her knowing he would lose her and did that mean he didn’t have to give so much of himself? And am I a completely horrible person for thinking that?”
“No,” Rachel said immediately. “You can think what you think. No one judges that.”
“You’re too hard on yourself.” Noelle rubbed her belly. “I can see why you’re worried, but it’s possible you’re reading too much into the situation. Maybe he married Stacey because he fell in love with her and a short life together was better than no time at all. I would do that with Dev in a heartbeat. There doesn’t have to be a deep, dark, psychological reason for his actions.”
There didn’t have to be, but Crissy couldn’t help wondering if there was. “My gut is warning me that this might be a guy who is emotionally unavailable. Do I need that kind of hassle in my life?”
“Are you willing to walk away?” Rachel asked.
Crissy shook her head. “It’s too late for that. The thing is I spent so many years beating myself up about Brandon. I decided I’d done something wrong, so I continued to punish myself. I wouldn’t get serious about anyone. I picked guys who could never understand me, losers who could never be my partner in life. It got so bad, I swore off dating forever. Then I met Josh and he’s amazing. But have I come all this way and learned all these life lessons only to fall for a guy who’s emotionally unavailable?”
“You’re assuming the worst about him,” Rachel said. “Maybe give him a chance to prove himself before you jump all over him.”
“Oh, but that would make sense,” Crissy teased. Then her humor faded. “He doesn’t want children.”
“What?” Noelle sounded outraged. “No. That can’t be right. He works with kids. You said he was great with Abbey and Pete’s kids.”
“I know, but that’s what he told me. He came by after I’d talked to Brandon and he seemed to know exactly what to say to both of us. So I asked him why he and Stacey hadn’t had kids. He said she couldn’t and he’d never wanted them.”
“Okay, now I get it,” Rachel said. “He probably never thought about having children. Then he fell madly in love with someone who couldn’t have them so he convinced himself he didn’t want them in the first place so he wouldn’t hurt her feelings.”
That’s what Crissy wanted to believe, too. “That’s the best case scenario. But how can I know if he did a mind shift for his late wife or if he really doesn’t want children?”
“You have to find out which,” Noelle said firmly. “Because you do want a family. I know you joke about the horrors of fluids in pregnancy and all that, but I know you, Crissy. You want a family.”
Crissy nodded. “I do. I don’t know how to find out the truth about Josh. I can’t exactly ask him if he’ll let me work up a psychological profile. So I’m left with some serious gray matter. In theory, the no-kids thing is a deal breaker.”
“In theory?” Rachel looked at her. “You’d consider not having a family because of him?”
“Not exactly. There’s another complication.”
Noelle shook her head. “I’ve never understood why people watch soap operas, but I’m beginning to see the appeal. All the drama is very compelling. So what’s the complication? You’re attracted to Pete? Abbey’s attracted to Josh? They want you to be a surrogate mother for them? Josh hates your cat?”
Despite everything, Crissy laughed. “It’s not a matter of him liking King Edward, it’s whether or not King Edward will like him.”
“Of course,” Rachel said. “We know who’s in charge. So what is it?”
Crissy drew in a deep breath. “I’m pregnant.”
Both women stared at her in disbelief—wide-eyed, mouths open. Rachel recovered first and flung herself at Crissy.
“You’re going to have a baby? That’s wonderful. I’m so happy for you. I can’t believe we’re all pregnant together? What are the odds of that? It’s the knitting class. And to think you hate the yarn.”
Crissy hugged her friend, appreciating the comfort and the support.
“I don’t hate the yarn,” she said. “It hates me.”
Noelle sniffed. “I can’t get up and come over. You guys have to come to me.”
Both of them moved toward the chair where they huddled in a group hug. Finally everyone settled back in their seats.
“Are you happy?” Noelle asked. “It’s got to be a shock.”
“It is,” Crissy admitted. “I’ve been ignoring the obvious—that thirteen years after it happened the first time, I’m once again dealing with an unplanned pregnancy. Obviously I’m a slow learner in this area.”
“But you’re happy,” Noelle said. “Aren’t you?”
Crissy smiled slowly. “I’m very happy. A little surprised, but happy. I feel ready this time. I’m grown-up and I can do this. Sort of.” She felt fear nibbling at the edges of her happiness. “Except I’m not very maternal. Do you think the baby will mind?”
“You’ll do great,” Rachel said. “If you get worried, just call one of us. By the time you have your baby, we’ll be experts.”
“Good point.” Crissy relaxed a little. “I want this,” she admitted. “I want all of it. The messy, fluid-filled baby stuff. I want to be there for eve
ry moment. I want to watch my child grow up while knowing my life will never be the same.”
Her friends nodded as if they, too, felt that.
“But,” Rachel said. “What about Josh?”
“There is that.”
“Maybe you misunderstood him,” Noelle said. “Maybe he was just talking about before. When it was with Stacey.”
“Maybe.” But Crissy was doubtful. “I have to tell him and I honestly don’t know what he’s going to say.”
“He might surprise you in a good way,” Rachel said. “Saying you don’t want children is one thing, but being faced with a baby of his own is another. He might discover he wants to be a father. You said he gives everything to the sick children he works with. How could he give less to his own son or daughter?”
A good question. In theory, Crissy agreed with her, but in her gut, she wondered and worried.
“I won’t know until we have the conversation,” she said.
“Which will be when?” Noelle asked.
“I don’t know. I’m going to put it off for a couple of weeks. Let the whole Brandon thing die down. If Josh and I could spend a little more time together, I might get him figured out. That would help. But I’m not waiting longer than that. I want to feel safe in the conversation but I don’t want him thinking I was trying to keep the information from him. Talk about a balancing act...”
“You’re up to it,” Rachel told her. “It will be fine. You’ll see.”
“He’ll come through in the end,” Noelle said. “He’s one of the good guys.”
Crissy could only hope her friends were right.
* * *
THREE DAYS LATER Crissy knew she was acting like a total coward, which wasn’t her style at all. She’d been lying low and avoiding Josh, which wasn’t helping her “get to know him better” plan.
He’d called and they’d talked, but she’d deflected his attempts for them to get together. Part of the problem was she didn’t know if she could be around him without blurting out the truth. Telling this man she was having his baby was something she wanted to do delicately. In the right way at the right time. And hopefully when she wasn’t so scared of his reaction.
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