At the Risk of Forgetting

by A. M. Wilson

  “What would it have changed?” My voice cracked.

  “Let’s get back to how you haven’t seen the love of your life in fourteen years, and I’ll answer that question.”

  “No.” I tugged my hand from hers. “See, that’s exactly why I haven’t told you after all this time. I can’t dwell on what could have been if I hadn’t left. I can’t sit and run through the scenarios of telling him I was pregnant at sixteen and imagining what he would have done. I can’t pretend or hope we’d have somehow become a happy family because that’s not what happened. That’s not what I chose, and after all this time, that could absolutely never be how things will turn out.”

  Kiersten thrust the bottle of bourbon into my hands. “Here.”

  “Thanks,” I whispered as I uncapped it.

  “Then why is he here?”

  I swirled the liquid over my taste buds and contemplated her question. “He isn’t here for me, if that’s what you’re getting at.”

  “Isn’t he? Girl, I have ex-lovers. A lot of ex-lovers. Hell, I even have a few ex-I-thought-you-were-the-one-lovers. No way in hell would any of those dudes come back after a decade and bring my daughter a birthday gift.”

  “You’re being ridiculous. When I say Law and I—ˮ

  “Law?” She shrieked, scaring the shit out of me. “Oh, Lordy, even his name is sexy. All unconventional and hot. Someone call 9-1-1 because I’m going to break Law’s—ˮ

  “Kiersten!”

  Her body visibly jolted. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t help that fantasy train. It shot straight out of the station into vagina town.”

  Getting the conversation back on track, I kept talking. “He and I were the best sort of childhood friends falling in love. It happened so slowly over the years, neither one of us really caught onto it until... Well, until it was crashing and burning into a fiery pit of lost hopes and dreams. Ugh.”

  I jumped because Kiersten suddenly took the bottle of bourbon from me. “I sense we’re getting to the really depressing part, so I’m just going to take this. I don’t think Evelyn needs to see her mom drunk on her birthday.”

  “I hate you,” I groused.

  “You love me. So, go on, keep talking.”

  “He was my everything, from my best friend to my first love. He stole my first kiss, and I freely gave up more after that. We were each other’s dates for school dances. I always had the impression we were together, even when we were too young to put a label on it. As we got older, I thought the label just adhered itself to our situation, but I guess I was wrong.”

  “What happened?” she asked, sympathetically.

  “What happened?” I laughed through the pain that question evoked. “The last thing I ever expected. He wanted to see somebody else. He thought I’d be okay with waiting for him to test the waters to make sure I was what he wanted.”

  Nearly Fifteen Years Ago...

  “You’re eating lunch today?”

  I glanced over at my best friend, Rachael, before looking down to my tray. It was breaded pork steak and mashed potatoes day. The only day I forked over the money for school lunch. I even paid a little more for some extra potatoes. We’d been living on simple food at home since my dad died. Nothing that even came close to how good this tasted. I’d been looking forward to this day since they released the lunch calendar for this month.

  I cocked my head at her. “Did we just meet? You know I always eat on breaded pork steak day.”

  She shrugged and looked away, but not before I saw the pink spread across her cheeks.

  “What is it? Why are you acting weird?” I asked around a mouthful of food. I liked to take the meat and use it to scoop up the potatoes. It was heavenly compared to ramen noodles and PB & J.

  She darted her gaze around the room before seeming to shrink in her seat. Her voice lowered in the noisy cafeteria so much I had to lean closer to hear her. “It’s just that, you’ve been working more and eating here less. I haven’t seen you in a while. I’m a little surprised you actually bought lunch today.”

  My stomach dropped at the same time my back straightened. Unlike Rachael, I didn’t lower my voice—I raised it. “Yeah, I’m poor. That doesn’t mean I can’t indulge every once in a while.” Guilt swamped me, both for spending money I shouldn’t have and for getting upset with my friend. She didn’t say anything that was untrue. I picked up my tray from the table and stood.

  “Cami, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be a bitch.” Her voice shook a little.

  I didn’t reply. I went to round the corner of the table and walked right into Law. He let out an Oof! and grabbed my tray before it dumped all over his chest.

  “Hey, you,” I greeted fondly, happy to see the one person who understood what I was going through and didn’t judge me for it. “No lunch today?”

  “Um, hey.” His answering response came out serious and instantly set me on edge. He tugged the tray from my hands and placed it on an empty space at the table beside us. “Can we talk?”

  I stood awkwardly, wishing he’d take my hand or something. This felt unnatural to us, and I didn’t like it. “Um, sure. Where do you want to go?”

  “How about somewhere quiet.” He nodded his head towards the cafeteria exit, and without waiting for me, started walking in that direction.

  What could I do but trail behind? My feet wanted to break out into a run, so I forced myself to slow down. It was hard when I had a bad feeling about the conversation to come.

  We walked silently out of the cafeteria and down the hall, me a few steps behind him the entire way. Not once did he glance back or take my hand or start a conversation. We’d been alone the moment we left the cafeteria, but it seemed Law was stuck inside his own head.

  Suddenly, Law stopped and backed up a few steps, pausing outside the shop classroom. He peered through the glass pane. Then he turned and scanned the halls around us. His eyes briefly caught mine, so I gave him a quick shrug, but he looked away quickly. My heart sank.

  Seemingly satisfied we were alone, he wrenched open the door and held it so I could follow him inside. The click of the door shutting seemed to amplify in the empty space.

  “So...what’s up? Not gonna lie, you’re making me a bit nervous, so if you could just spit it out and get on with it, that’d be great.” I smiled my quirky smile. Law just looked at me, and if I wasn’t mistaken, his frown deepened.

  The muscles gave out and my smile fell.

  He didn’t seem ready to talk, and I wanted to give him time if he needed it so I looked around the space. I loved the smell of this room. The scent of saw dust and wood stain hung in the air, even if the class wasn’t actively working on any projects at the time. I felt real and gritty in here, reinforced as a young woman who could do anything that my male peers could. I’d taken shop last semester, and I still glowed when I replayed my teacher’s praising comments in my head. He’d encouraged me to sign up for the off-site class as an elective for my senior year. The students in that class got to build an entire house during the semester, and he’d told me there are very few females that sign up. It meant a lot to me that he took the time to reach out and encourage me to apply. It might be a year and a half away yet, but I already knew it was something I’d be doing.

  Feeling like I’d given him ample time, I questioned again. “Law?”

  “You and me, we’re a forever kind of thing. You know that, right? You think that, too?”

  Everything inside of me froze at the sound of his voice. It was...calm but anxious, with a hint of imploring. And I didn’t understand where he was going with this.

  I leaned my side against the high, metal shop table and looked him in the eyes. “Of course, I do. You’ve been my best friend for as long as I can remember. Just spit it out, Law. Are you moving? Did your dad get a new job?”

  “No.” He looked to his shoes and my eyes dropped there also. Together we watched as he shifted a pile of saw dust with his toe.

  “Then what is it?” I couldn’t keep the anxio
us edge out of my own voice. He sounded like he was leaving me. I don’t know what I’d do if that happened.

  Law took a deep breath. I didn’t know that because I heard it. I knew because I visibly saw his entire torso lift and settle again. It was silent, but huge. Like he just sucked in a lungful of strength. Then he leveled his gaze with mine.

  “I’m going to date Steph. Not because I don’t love you, because you know I do. But, because this is the one time in my life where I can. After this, we’re off to college and jobs and real life responsibilities, and I know I want to experience all that with you.”

  I heard what he said, but my mind wasn’t comprehending it. A rush of blood pulsated in my ears. “But, you hate Steph.”

  Yep. That’s what I said. All that, and the only thing I could focus on was that he hated Steph.

  He scrubbed the back of his neck with his hand. “I don’t hate Steph. I didn’t like her relentless pursuit of me, but I don’t hate her. She’s a nice girl.”

  “So, her pursuit paid off? Is that what this is?”

  “No, it’s not that.”

  I stood up straight. “Well, what is it then? I’m still waiting for you to say something that makes sense.”

  “We should use this time for experiences, Cami. I want our future to have no regrets.”

  My eyes burned hot with tears, but I blinked them back. Law had seen me cry more times over the years than my own family, especially since the death of my dad. But I wasn’t going to give him this.

  He hurt me, and he knew how to fix it. But I refused to have my tears feed his guilt. If he wanted to make things right, he had to do it for the right reasons. Not because he felt sorry for me.

  “I thought you were dating me. How can you toss me aside for someone like her? She isn’t even nice.”

  “Cami.” His voice sounded pained. “I’d never, ever, toss you aside. I don’t know how else to explain it to you. I know it sounds stupid, but it’s what I need. I want to be one hundred percent sure about you and me. This is the only way I could see to make that happen.”

  My breath hitched. “Is it because I won’t have sex with you? Because I will, someday. I just didn’t think we were ready.”

  “This has nothing to do with sex.”

  That I believed. The way his eyes held mine took my breath away. So, if it wasn’t the sex, it must have been a status thing. I’m the poor girl with the sad life. Steph is the rich girl, cheerleading captain, who’s been in bed with half the football team. She’s a senior and stupidly gorgeous. If Law dated her, he’d be the most popular sophomore at Logansville High. The pieces were starting to make sense.

  And I went from sad to angry in a nanosecond. “If you think I’m just going to stick around and wait for you while you sample the other girls around here, you’ve got another thing coming. I’m not going to hang around being poor, sad Cami while you prance around with your new arm candy.”

  “If that’s what you want, then it’s your decision to make. Just know while you’re home pouting, I’ll be out with the cheerleading captain. Maybe, if I’m really lucky, I’ll get to kiss her.”

  His words stuck to me like a thousand burrs I’d never be able to get off, and all that mattered was trying to make him hurt. It was a weak attempt. I’d been wounded through and through by the last person I ever thought would intentionally hurt me.

  “Fine! At least I have your first kiss!”

  “Yeah? Well, she’s going to get my last.” That was his parting shot. Law left me alone in the shop room, slamming the door behind him, as I tried to gather up the pieces to my shredded heart.

  3.

  “Wow, what an idiot! I’ve changed my mind. I don’t care if he’s back for you or not, he doesn’t deserve you.”

  I’d finished telling Kiersten the story of how Law wanted to see other girls, and she was pissed. If it hadn’t hurt so bad to share that particular memory, I might have laughed at how upset she was for teenaged me.

  Somehow while recalling the story, I ended up lying on my back on the couch. My fingers were laced against my abdomen and my feet where perched on the arm rest. Kiersten paced the floor next to the couch, and her face was a comical picture above me. The entire situation felt like I’d just spent an hour at the shrink’s office. Except, I was in my own living room.

  “I agreed with you, back then. I thought he was being an idiot, too. Now that I’m older, I can sort of see where he was coming from.”

  She abruptly stopped moving. “What? How can you even say that? He crushed you!”

  I rolled my eyes. “Thanks for the reminder.”

  “Well, you sound like an idiot. Did you forget all the pain this caused? Not to mention him hurting you was the catalyst for all...this.” She waved her hand, gesturing my living room.

  “I was the catalyst for all this.” I corrected. “Anyway, I say that partly because, three weeks after that happened, he had ended things with Steph and came crawling back to me to tell me how wrong and sorry he was. And partly because I do get it now. I have a teenaged daughter. If she started dating one guy now and wanted to be with him forever, I’d try to warn her of the same things, too. High school should be the time for meeting different people and making friends. I know my life isn’t typical for most, but things go fast once college hits. More often than not, people regret long-term dating in high school. High school sweethearts are more of a myth than a reality. Law wasn’t far off in what he was trying to tell me. His inexperience and delivery, however, is a different story.”

  The conversation was tiring, and the sun was beginning to sink. I hoisted myself off the couch, grabbed the bourbon, and wandered into the kitchen. Kiersten followed.

  “Wait, so he came back and said sorry? So why didn’t you take him back?”

  I shoved the bottle in the cabinet above the fridge and lowered myself from my tippy toes back to flat feet. “Because,” I began, turning to look her in the eye. “I had already found out I was pregnant.”

  “Oh.”

  “Yep.”

  “How is that possible?”

  “I guess my timing was impeccable.” I answered sarcastically. “Had sex when I didn’t know I was ovulating and bam! Two weeks later, I missed my period. Gave it another week, because I was sure it was stress-related. Obviously, I was wrong.”

  We stood silently in my small kitchen. I’m sure Kiersten had a whole new box of questions she wanted to ask. Me? I had a thousand thoughts swirling of what happened back then. How weak I was. How I just wanted to feel loved after Law made me feel unworthy. How I let someone use sweet words and empty promises to coax me to open my legs.

  Kiersten was right the other day at the coffee shop. I hadn’t had sex since Evelyn was conceived. A big part of that was because I always wanted my first to be Law. Stupidly, I ruined that.

  An even bigger part was I lost the ability to trust myself to make that decision. A one-night stand was completely out of the question. Been there, done that, had the child to show for it. In all the years since I moved to Arrow Creek, I hadn’t been able to let myself open up to someone enough to date them, never mind anything close to having sex.

  The decision I made all those years ago was so wrong, but the reality of it was that I had said yes. He asked if it was okay, and I invited him to go ahead. And that’s the most shameful part of it all. Well, almost.

  The most shameful part was who he was and how that’s the deepest betrayal of all.

  “Are you going to tell me who—ˮ

  “Mom!”

  The shriek was blood curdling. I bolted out of the kitchen so fast I didn’t spare Kiersten a glance. I rounded the corner into the hall and flew through Evelyn’s bedroom door, surprised I didn’t take it off the hinges.

  “What? Baby, what’s wrong?”

  I surveyed the scene, but didn’t see anything out of place in my teenager’s untidy room. A trail of clothes on the floor, papers scattered across her desk, uncapped and opened tubes and palettes of makeu
p on her dresser. The only thing out of place was Evelyn cowering in the corner of her unmade bed.

  “I saw a mouse.”

  “Eww.” That came from behind me.

  “Shut up, you did not,” I replied. The words flew from my mouth immediate and horrified.

  “I did too! I was at my desk, writing, and leaned down to scratch my foot, and there it was in the corner.” She indicated to the corner of her room next to her desk. The one where she kept her trash can.

  “Was it just one mouse?” I hated rodents. I could deal with bugs and spiders just fine, but rodents grossed me out. The traps made me feel awful, too. Either I killed it or I had to try to set it free. Either way, I didn’t want to go near the damn thing.

  “Um, I’m not sure. It could have been two.”

  I shot her a motherly glare that said I-didn’t-birth-you-to-deal-with-this-shit and tiptoed across the room. Thankfully, there was no mouse. There was, however, a banana peel and god knows what else in her trash.

  “When was the last time you emptied this? Are you keeping food in here?”

  She shrugged. “I don’t know. Last week? I’m sorry, I’ll take it out right now.” That got her to leave her perch on the bed and approach me.

  I picked up the trashcan and kissed her temple. “Thank you, baby. Get Aunt K the number to call pest control too, please. If you saw a mouse, I don’t want to give it time to make a cozy home. Blegh.” I gave her my cell to use and left the girls to clean the room while I went back out to the kitchen to empty her small bag of trash. Our plates were soaking in the sink, so I gave them a final rinse and loaded the dishwasher, then picked up the remaining scraps of wrapping paper.

  As I was wiping down the kitchen table, the doorbell rang. I hung the rag over the faucet and went to answer the door. That was fast. It couldn’t have been twenty minutes.

  I started talking as I swung the heavy interior door open, wanting this mouse dealt with as quickly as possible. “Thank you for coming so fast—oh.”