The Five Stages of Falling in Love

by Rachel Higginson

  Her behavior hurt the most. I realized the purging of everything green was my fault. I hadn’t meant to scar her little life so drastically. I had been angry and upset and I had included my four-year-old daughter in something I should have been protecting her from.

  But my partner was gone. The man that I was supposed to run to when I needed advice, encouragement and support. The man that was supposed to listen to me when I needed to talk, when I just needed to get words out of my chest. The man that was supposed to tug me against his chest and promise that everything would be okay. That I would be okay.

  He was gone.

  He’d left me.

  And I didn’t know what to do now.

  I made bad decisions. I yelled at my children more than I should. I forgot everything. And I couldn’t seem to help this family get back to center.

  Before bed, I’d set the kids up with a movie on my bed and taken Lucy to her bedroom alone so we could chat. I sat her down on her bed with everything she’d taken down to the basement on the floor in front of us, and I’d explained why the color green disturbed me so much right now.

  I told her that it reminded me of her daddy, and his gorgeous green eyes. I told her how much I loved his eyes and how much I loved him. I told her that when I saw that color, I couldn’t help but think of him and when I thought of him, I missed him. I told her how hard it was for me to miss him and that I wished he hadn’t left us.

  I told her that I didn’t hate the color green after all, but that I loved it. I told her it was my most favorite color of all. I reminded her that her eyes were also green, just like her daddy’s and that I loved looking at them too. I promised her that green wouldn’t make me sad anymore, because it would help me remember how much I loved Daddy and how much he loved his family, how much he loved her.

  We hugged each other for a very long time, while she told me how much she missed him too. We spent time together putting each item back in its place and picking up her room. She had needed alone time with her mother and I had needed to work through that with her.

  By the time I tucked the kids into bed and kissed them all, Lucy felt better but I had never missed Grady more. I ached with my grief. I felt it in my bones. I couldn’t think from the weight of it.

  Everything reminded me of him. Everything. The house. The furniture. My room. My bed. My kids. My own skin. I couldn’t escape this pain. And even though I didn’t want to, not really… I needed a break. I needed just a small reprieve from the endless pressure of it.

  So I’d waited for the kids to fall asleep, then grabbed the baby monitor and made sure the front of the house was locked up. I slipped out the back patio door and breathed in the warm night.

  Grady had built a fire pit in the back yard and set some Adirondack chairs around it. He and I had never spent much time back here alone, which was why I chose this place tonight. I needed to escape his memory for a little while and this was the only place I could think of without abandoning the kids completely.

  With four kids, we had always been too exhausted after the chaos of bedtime to trek out here when they finally fell asleep. We’d spent our nights cuddled on the couch watching our favorite sitcoms. Or if he had work to do, I would read next to him while he tapped away at his laptop. We always meant to come out here, but it never happened.

  I relaxed into the chair and stared out at the dark backyard. A floodlight had clicked on when I first came out here, but it didn’t offer light beyond the edge of our property. No houses stood behind us to bounce back any light. Beyond our fence sat a nature preserve of thin forest with gangly trees and the tiniest creek. The land grew wild for a few miles, keeping builders from purchasing the land and turning it into something habitable.

  I had loved that about this neighborhood when we decided to build here, but now it felt lonely. I wanted activity to watch and fill my thoughts. I wanted to spy on my neighbors so I could occupy my head with assumptions about their lives and forget about my own.

  The landscaping lights to Ben’s backyard clicked on and I heard his sliding glass door swish open before his tall figure appeared in the frame.

  “Liz!” Ben’s voice boomed through the quiet night and my spiraling thoughts.

  “Hi, Ben.” I cursed the floodlight for destroying any hopes of invisibility. He probably wanted to go for a swim, but now felt awkward about it. My yard was at a significant slope. The part closer to the house was higher than his and that gave me a great view into his backyard, even though there was a fence.

  “I didn’t want to scare you again,” he grinned at me. “I thought I should give you some warning.”

  “Thank you,” I tried to laugh. It fell flat.

  “Want some company?”

  I could honestly say that was the very last thing I expected him to say. But how to decline politely? I didn’t want company. I didn’t even know why he offered.

  “I have wine!”

  Well, that changed things. “Alright,” I conceded. “Bring the wine!”

  He disappeared into the house and I had two minutes to severely regret my decision. I didn’t want to spend my peaceful evening sharing wine with my weird next door neighbor! I didn’t even want to spend tonight with myself.

  I had come out here for escape. And now this…

  This didn’t feel like escape.

  This felt like punishment for my reluctance to be nice to the guy.

  Yet… I had been wishing for a glass of wine. Desperately.

  Damn, why was I such a lush?

  I heard the gate open and the crunch of his feet as he padded his way over. He paused when he reached me, looming tall and dark, waiting for me to acknowledge him.

  I looked up to his smiling face and felt myself relax just a bit. I didn’t understand my reaction. He usually made me so uncomfortable that my rudeness was unforgivable. But tonight, he felt like relief. He felt like… a breath of fresh air.

  Maybe I had been more afraid to spend time with the thoughts in my head than the harmless man that lived next door to me.

  He held out a stemmed glass. The floodlight glinted off the shiny surface. I twirled the glass in my fingers while Ben pulled a corkscrew from his pocket and went to work opening the bottle. The glug-glug-glug of wine pouring into my glass was the only sound that broke our silence.

  Eventually he pulled the bottle back, after a very generous pour, filled his own glass and slid gracefully into the seat next to me. His long legs extended in front of him and he draped his arms over the chair as though he’d sat here hundreds of times before.

  I gave him a double take before I allowed this reality of him to set in. He was the cool kid in school, the cool kid wherever he went. He had the natural ability to feel at home wherever he was. I could see that about him. And now the arrogant grin made sense.

  “Thanks for the wine,” I finally broke the quiet that he didn’t seem in any hurry to end.

  He looked over at me and smiled. “You looked like you could use some company.”

  “Yeah, I guess. Mostly I just needed the wine.” I grinned back at him and took a sip of a very nice red. I didn’t know what it was and it was too dark to read the label from this distance, but Ben had great taste in libations.

  “The cupboards are bare?”

  I shook my head and laughed lightly. “Have you ever taken four kids into a liquor store?”

  “I cannot say that I have. But I could only imagine the stress for all parties involved.”

  “Exactly. Luckily my new neighbor is very generous.” I took another sip and settled back into the comfortable chair.

  “Luckily.”

  We sat in comfortable silence for a few more minutes before I couldn’t stand it anymore. I wasn’t very good at sitting contemplatively, especially when there was another person around. I needed to fill the space between us. I needed to put something in the air and add to the peaceful evening.

  “So what do you do, Ben? I don’t know anything about you other than you have good
taste in houses, great taste in wine and you eat Pop-Tarts for breakfast.”

  “Not every morning!” His foot slid over and kicked me playfully. I pulled my legs back and tucked them underneath me so he couldn’t do that again. If he noticed, it didn’t seem to bother him. “You caught me on a bad morning.”

  “Sure, I did.”

  He chuckled. “Those were the early days. It was either Pop-Tarts or cold pizza. Your child needed luring. I thought I would fare better with the toasted breakfast pastries.”

  I turned to face him and let myself be humbled by his confession. “Thank you for that, by the way. I don’t think I ever truly thanked you for baiting her from the pool. We could have been in there all morning.”

  “She’s fast.”

  It was my turn to chuckle. “She’s now on a swim team. I decided to use her powers for good.”

  “She’s like five? They make swim teams for five year olds?”

  “She’s six. And she’s a little young, but one of the high school teams helps run a youth league. They let her try out. They were thrilled to see what a freaky little fish she is in the water.”

  “Huh.” Ben crossed his feet at his ankles and stared down at his wine. He seemed to be chewing over my words with some degree of thoughtfulness, but I couldn’t figure out what I said to make him think so hard. Finally, after I’d gone back to enjoying my wine and watching the soft sway of leaves float on the long, bent branches, he said, “That was a good mom thing to do.”

  “What was?” I had lost him.

  “Putting her on a swim team. If that had been me when I was her age, my mom would have threatened my life if I ever tried it again. You gave her an outlet to use a talent that she obviously excels at. I think that’s great.”

  Whatever easy response I wanted to give him stuck in my chest. The compliment, even though it felt out of nowhere, meant more to me than I could ever tell him. I hadn’t heard something positive about my parenting since Grady died.

  There was no one around to tell me I was a good mom. When my parents called, we had a lot to talk about, but never that. And when I was forced to interact with Katherine, I tried to speak as few words as possible.

  I would never have expected this much-needed encouragement to come from Ben Tyler.

  “Thank you,” I whispered, struggling to hide my emotions.

  “Lawyer,” he blurted suddenly.

  “Hmm?”

  “Lawyer,” he repeated. “You asked what I do… I’m a lawyer.”

  “Wow.” That would explain how he could afford the house next to me. “Impressive.”

  “Not really.” The deprecating tone he used didn’t seem to fit. “It’s my father’s firm. I’m really just inheriting the practice.”

  “You sound super enthusiastic about that.” The wine buzzed in my head. I hadn’t had something to drink in a long time. Since the night after Grady’s funeral, I realized. My parents flew in and stayed with me for a couple weeks to help with the kids. Emma had brought over a bottle of tequila and we decided to drink instead of cry.

  We’d ended up doing both.

  He grunted. “I am.”

  I turned to face him, sliding my knees toward my chest and making myself very comfortable in the slatted chair. I probably wouldn’t have been as relaxed around him without the wine, but now I was curious. I couldn’t help but meddle.

  “No, really! What’s with the attitude?”

  “Attitude?” He swiveled in his chair so he could face me too.

  I rolled my eyes. “Come on, I’m a mom! I can hear attitude a mile away.”

  The floodlight revealed a small smile playing on his lips. “Ack! Fine. I’ll share my deepest, darkest secrets.”

  I laughed again, “You hate your day job. That’s hardly a secret.”

  “From the woman that stays home all day. You basically live a life of leisure.”

  My mouth dropped open. I could not believe he just said that! “I can’t believe you just said that!”

  He tossed his head back and laughed. “I’m kidding,” he promised. “And besides, you started it!”

  “Oh, my god. You’re as bad as my children.”

  “No, not that bad! I have wine, remember?”

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now spill your guts, Tyler. I have to go to bed soon.” I ignored the flush of disappointment I felt for needing to end our evening. I really did have to get to bed. I just didn’t expect to enjoy Ben this much.

  “Do you know that I rarely get to court? Most of my job entails paperwork and settlements. I imagined something more… Law and Order when I signed up.”

  “Hmm.” I looked down at the little bit of wine left in my glass. I swirled it around and bit back my objection. Ben’s words sounded like deflection and not even a little bit like truth. But I would let this go for now. We barely knew each other. It wasn’t my place to dig around in his life.

  “We should do this again.”

  I looked up at his suggestion and didn’t know what to say. “Sure. We should do this again… sometime.”

  “It will have to be tomorrow night.”

  I laughed, surprised by his enthusiasm. “Why’s that?”

  “I have a date Friday.”

  “Oooh, a date. Who is the lucky lady?”

  “Friend of a friend. It’s only the second date.”

  “So you’re nervous? I mean, obviously.” I plopped my chin into my hand and got a little more comfortable.

  He shook his head at me like he couldn’t quite figure me out. “Why would I be nervous?”

  “Because you want to impress her!”

  “Why wouldn’t she be impressed with me?”

  What a guy thing to say. “I honestly have no idea.”

  He smiled at my sarcastic tone. “Should I be nervous?”

  “Just don’t offer her Pop-Tarts.”

  “Noted.”

  We sat there for a few more minutes while I finished my wine. The quiet became easy and not forced.

  I didn’t know if it was the wine or Ben, but I finally felt more contented with myself. Some of the racing of my mind and spirit settled and my lungs took easier breaths and my heart beat easier beats.

  I had dreaded Ben coming over here, but now that the night was over, I was glad that he had.

  “Thanks for the wine, Ben. I enjoyed our little chat.”

  “Hey, me too.”

  We both stood up and I walked him to the gate. He paused to say goodbye and I awkwardly shoved the wineglass toward him. “Or should I keep it and wash it?” I regretted the question as soon as I asked it. Why did I have to make a big deal out of a stupid glass? I shouldn’t have said anything.

  “No, it’s fine. I’ll take it.”

  “Thanks again.”

  “Sure.” He hesitated a little bit longer and I started to lose whatever peace I’d gained. “So, tomorrow night, then?”

  “Tomorrow night?”

  “For wine. I thought… I thought you wanted to do this again?”

  “Oh, I didn’t-”

  “I just thought because the bottle was already opened and that way we could finish it. If you already have plans-”

  “Ben, stop!” I held up my hand and laughed at the ridiculous turn our conversation had taken. “Tomorrow night is great. I’ll be here. Bring the wine! I’ll provide the glasses next time.”

  His easy smile returned. “It’s about time you started pulling your weight around here.”

  I stared at him in wonder. Was I really considering this? “Same time, same place, yeah?”

  “Yeah.”

  We finally parted ways. It wasn’t until I stepped inside my house that I realized I was smiling. I locked up and made my way to bed, thinking about Ben the entire way.

  He really was adorable. I had probably judged him unfairly at first.

  And that grin of his.

  He was too good looking for his own good.

  And single!

  Sure, he had that date on Friday, but
a second date wasn’t even exclusive territory yet.

  There was obviously only one thing left to do: Set him up with my sister.

  Chapter Eight

  “I brought booze!” Emma called from the front door.

  “How was study group?” I leaned over the kitchen island to catch a glimpse of my sister as she slammed the front door behind her.

  “Long,” she sighed. “I didn’t think it would ever end! It’s Friday night. Don’t these people have anything better to do with their lives?”

  I pulled the hummus from the refrigerator and finished setting up our dinner as Em swept into the kitchen in all her wild hair, grad-student, bohemian glory. She plopped two bottles of cheap Sangria on the countertop and flashed me a brilliant smile.

  “That’s a hangover in a bottle.”

  “When did you become such a snob?” She stuck her tongue out at me and went about retrieving two wine glasses from the dish drainer.

  Since Ben Tyler introduced me to all of his fabulous wine. I kept that thought a secret. I didn’t feel comfortable telling Emma about the last two nights or how Ben and I had started a friendship built on late night conversations and good grapes.

  It felt wrong to say those words out loud. I couldn’t help but feel guilty for spending time with him.

  During my entire marriage I had kept my distance from the opposite sex. I had never been tempted to be anything less than faithful to Grady and I had never wanted to give off the wrong impression.

  It seemed a little strange that over the past ten years, I had never been alone with another man for long periods of time. Unless it was Trevor, but he didn’t count.

  It felt awkward to admit my new friendship with Ben to my sister.

  No, that was wrong. I didn’t feel awkward… I felt guilty.

  This friendship felt like a betrayal to Grady.

  Nausea washed over me and I tried to ignore the disappointment that fizzed in my stomach. Disappointment because I’d let Grady down.

  And disappointment because I would have to give up Ben and his good wine.

  It shouldn’t be hard though. We’d spent two nights chatting; there wasn’t a whole lot of foundation there.