The Five Stages of Falling in Love

by Rachel Higginson

  “How do you know that?” My tone lashed out, a whip biting at the air around me. The rage monster had taken up residence under my skin again. I couldn’t stop my overreaction from happening even though I desperately wanted to.

  “Because she told me.”

  “She did not.” My hands gripped the counter top so tightly my knuckles turned white.

  “Liz, she did.” His voice gentled. “Your sister is smart, funny and downright gorgeous. But she is not into me like you want her to be.”

  I whirled around, unable to face him. His words spun around in my head, trying to land in one place long enough for me to make sense of them. But I couldn’t. Emma and Ben were perfect for each other. And even though he put this on her, like it was her decision, I couldn’t help but blame him.

  I threw open the refrigerator again and yanked out the last of the milk. “Damn it,” I cursed as I poured just enough into four small cups.

  “What’s the matter?” he stepped forward and took the empty milk carton from my hand.

  “I need to go to the store.”

  “I can see why that would make you angry.”

  His teasing words only pissed me off. “Do you know what it’s like to go to the store with young kids, Ben? I don’t have the time! And I really don’t have the patience for the headache. And my sister is perfect for you!”

  His big hand landed on my shoulder and turned me toward him. His other hand came next and directed my chin so that I had to look at him. His touch confused me in the worst ways. No man besides Grady had ever touched me like this. Not with this kind of command and intimacy.

  I couldn’t pick one of my feelings out of my tumultuous head that would make sense. I couldn’t even figure out why Ben’s touch felt intimate or invasive. But the warmth of his skin seeped through my thin blouse and wrapped around my bones.

  I hadn’t been touched by another man besides Grady, but I also hadn’t been touched by another man since Grady.

  I missed human affection, a strong man’s touch. My body awoke in ways that had been dormant for a very long time, even before Grady had passed.

  My brows furrowed and I pressed my lips together in a frown. These feelings couldn’t have been more inconvenient or ill-timed. I desperately needed to get control of my body and thoughts.

  But then Ben spoke in a low rumble of authority and I knew I had no defense against him in that moment. My only saving grace was that I knew nothing would come of it because Ben was Ben and I was the hot mess that I was. We were friends and we were becoming good friends, but that was all that there was between us.

  “Liz, I admire how much you think of your sister. I think she’s great too. But you have to understand that we had a great time, there just wasn’t that spark between us. We make great friends though. And we plan on staying friends. She’s even going to help me pick out some furniture this weekend. I didn’t break her heart or treat her badly. And I swear to you, she is not sitting around waiting for my phone call to ask her out. Please believe me.”

  I swallowed beyond the lump in my throat. “Okay,” I whispered.

  His hand that gently held my chin dropped to my other shoulder. He stood up to his full height but took a step toward me.

  He stared down at me with those deep, dark eyes and for a moment I got lost there. I fell into him in a way that scared me. He held my gaze and dipped his head. For a crazy second I thought he wanted to kiss me.

  After long seconds, he finally spoke, breaking the spell that had settled over the two of us. “You’re a very aggravating woman.” The doorbell rang just as I opened my mouth to defend myself. “I’ll get it,” he said instead. “They’ll need my signature for the pizza.”

  He took his hands off me and left the kitchen. I collapsed against the refrigerator with weak knees. Who was this guy?

  I looked over at my kids, but they were blissfully unaware. They’d settled into their drawing projects, not paying attention to me at all.

  “Go wash up,” I told them. They finally looked up at me. “Ben ordered some pizzas, go wash up and we’ll eat dinner.”

  “Who’s Ben?” Abby asked.

  “The pool guy,” I told her.

  The kids watched in wide-eyed fascination as Ben reappeared with four large pizzas and two boxes of breadsticks.

  He set the food on the counter and smiled sheepishly at me, “I didn’t know how much would be enough.”

  “That’s, um, plenty,” I promised him, trying to process that amount of food.

  He leaned forward and in a low voice, as if it would offend the children, said, “You have a lot of kids.”

  I suppressed a smile; he was trying to help. “Go wash up!” I reminded the kids. “And then come eat pizza!”

  “Pizza!” They squealed, rushing off to the half-bath in the hallway.

  Ben helped me set out paper plates and the milk. I decided to make this dinner as easy as I could. I opened the boxes to find that he’d picked a cheese, pepperoni, supreme and Thai from our favorite pizza place.

  He somehow managed to walk in here tonight and not only save dinner, but order perfectly for us. I started to wonder if maybe he wasn’t real. Maybe he was only a figment of my imagination.

  The kids monopolized his attention at dinner, asking him a hundred questions about his job and house, if he had a wife, why didn’t he have a wife, if he had pets, why didn’t he have pets, when would he fill the pool up again.

  He hadn’t found the right girl yet. Lots of girls he liked, no girls he loved. Yet. My curiosity had been sated.

  He stayed for a few minutes after we finished, helping me pick up and even wiped down the table. I shooed the kids upstairs to get ready for baths and walked him to the door.

  “Thank you. For tonight and for the pizza.”

  He looked down at me with a burning warmth. I felt it all the way to my toes. “I’m glad to help,” he promised. “Thank you for forgiving me for genuinely liking your sister.”

  “You’re a very brave man to bring that up,” I warned with little real anger.

  “I genuinely like you too.” His words shocked the hell out of me. “But I think in a completely different way than Emma.”

  “I don’t know what that means.”

  He grinned at me. “That’s okay with me.”

  “Goodbye, Ben.”

  “Bye, Liz.”

  I watched him walk across my yard to his own. His long, confident gait ate up the distance quickly. He turned around just once more to wave at me and disappeared into his dark house.

  I closed the front door and moved upstairs to get the kids ready for bed. I smiled through bath time and story time, thinking about how Ben probably never expected to spend the evening with us. His dinner plans were most likely vastly different than sitting at a crowded table, sharing pizza with four wild kids.

  Just as I tucked Jace in and kissed him one last time, there was another knock on the door.

  “What now?” I muttered to myself as I bounced down the stairs.

  I could see Ben’s tall figure through the mottled glass. I glanced toward the kitchen wondering what he forgot.

  “Hey,” I smiled gently when I opened the door for him. He held out a paper grocery sack. “What’s this?”

  “I called Emma, like you wanted me to.” I rolled my eyes at his accusing tone. “She’s going to come over tomorrow morning around ten so that you can go grocery shopping alone. If you ever need a few things, I can always stop on my way home from work.”

  “Ben, I can’t-”

  “Liz,” he cut me off, “You have people that care about you, that want to help. Let us.” He wiggled the paper bag, so I took it from him.

  I looked into the bag to see a gallon of milk, a box of brown sugar Pop-Tarts and my favorite K-cups. Emma must have told him my preference.

  Tears glistened in my eyes, when I lifted my head to meet his intense gaze, “Thank you.”

  “You’ll call me if you need anything?”

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p; I nodded. Yes, I would. Ben had proved himself to be someone I could trust.

  Someone I could rely on.

  “Have a good night, Liz.”

  “You too.”

  This time I didn’t watch him walk away, I was too absorbed in the little miracle he’d left in my arms. A gallon of milk might not seem like much to anyone else, but to me it was the difference between getting through the morning tomorrow and crashing and burning in a blaze of failure.

  He had saved me tonight.

  And I couldn’t figure out why.

  Chapter Thirteen

  I walked in the house, arms laden with groceries. Emma sat at the kitchen island with Lucy and Jace making some kind of structure out of Duplos.

  The kitchen had always been our most loved room. It was open and spacious, with plenty of room for my dream kitchen, an island for the kids to sit at, a table for informal dinners and a window nook for the kid’s fun table. Grady had designed this with all of my hopes and dreams in mind. The mud room walked straight out to the garage and had plenty of storage for coats and shoes, backpacks and whatever else we could pile in there. The kitchen opened up into our dining room on one side and the entry way, leading to the front door and living room, on the other side.

  I loved walking into our house, even after the stress of the grocery store. It just calmed me. It was only one of the reasons that I would never sell this place, even though it reminded me so very much of Grady.

  He had built this for me. I couldn’t imagine living anywhere else.

  The sight of Emma at the counter with my two littlests warmed my heart. Whenever she was with them, she engaged them completely. They just ate up every bit of attention she focused on them.

  “Ook, Mama!” Jace held up a tower of Legos. “Me did this!”

  “Wow, J! I love it!”

  “Auntie Emma and me are building a castle,” Luce told me excitedly. “It’s for princesses only.”

  “It looks like a princess only palace.”

  Lucy beamed at me and went back to her project. Emma continued to watch the kids while I brought in all of the groceries and put them away. I was amazed at the peace we maintained during the entire process.

  I was also amazed at how relaxed I felt after only an hour to myself.

  The grocery store had been blissfully quiet. I walked up and down every aisle slowly, savoring the freedom I had to browse and compare prices. It was a mother’s dream come true.

  Comparable only with the illusive and annual pedicure.

  “Are you starving yet?” I asked Emma after the last of the groceries found their home and the plastic bags had been tied up nicely and stored for whatever uses I found for them later.

  “I don’t know. Are we starving?”

  “Yes!” the two littles cheered.

  I pulled out ingredients for sandwiches while they cleaned up the Legos.

  Finally, the kids were happy with their lunch and Emma and I had a minute to talk to each other.

  “Thanks again, Em. I needed to get out.”

  She leaned forward and rested her elbows on the white-tiled countertop. “You could have called me. You know I want to help out as much as I can.”

  “I know.” I let out a weary sigh. “But I already ask so much of you. I know you’re gearing up for the end of the semester. I didn’t want to add any stress.” I cleared my throat and amended, “Any more stress to your busy life.”

  She reached out and put her hand over mine. “Stop thinking you’re a burden. I love you. I will always do what I can to help you. And I love your kids like they are my own. You guys are not extra stress. You’re my family.”

  I turned my hand over and squeezed her fingers. “Then I’m sorry Ben had to call you. I didn’t ask him to.”

  She pulled her hand back and waved it dismissively in the air. “I know. He told me.”

  “When he called you.”

  She picked up her sandwich. “Obviously.”

  “Even though you told me he hadn’t called you yet! What is that about?”

  Her cheeks heated with embarrassment. “I didn’t lie to you!” she blurted in a rush. “He really hadn’t called me like you wanted him to call me!”

  “Why didn’t you just tell me that you two wanted to be friends?” Emma could be flakey when she wanted to be, but her lie still bothered me. It felt like she wanted to hide something, but I didn’t understand what or why.

  She let out a small breath of indecision. “I don’t know… I guess it was a little humiliating. And you had such high hopes for us. I didn’t want to disappoint you.”

  “Why was it humiliating?” Blood rushed to my head and fingers, hot and ready to defend my little sister.

  “Because it was so obvious he wasn’t into me. From the very beginning, I could tell his feelings for me would always be neutral. It messed with my vanity.”

  I smiled at Emma. She was absolutely gorgeous with her wavy, wild blonde hair and piercing blue eyes set against perfectly creamy skin and full lips. And her nose, her stupidly cute and adorable nose was so much smaller than mine. She hadn’t experienced a whole lot of rejection in her life.

  “I’m pretty sure your vanity is going to be okay.”

  She grinned at me. “I met someone in the library over the weekend. He’s taking me out tomorrow night.”

  I rolled my eyes. “I’m glad you’re defining your self-worth by the number of guys that ask you out.”

  She snorted into her sandwich. “My self-worth is just fine. But a little attention from the opposite sex doesn’t hurt.”

  “So what’s up with Ben? Do you think there’s something wrong with him?” I bent nearly in half to plop my chin in my hand. There had to be something wrong with him if he didn’t like my sister. Right?

  Emma tipped her head back and laughed before leaning over to lay her cheek on the top of Jace’s head. “There is nothing wrong with him! But I love your loyalty.”

  “Okay, but he’s thirty-five years old and doesn’t even have a serious girlfriend. Plus, you said he wasn’t interested in you from the start. He eats his fingernails or something. I know there is something wrong with him.”

  “That was part of it I think. He’s thirty-five. I’m twenty-six. That gap between us is pretty big. It might work for some people, but right now he and I are just too different. He looks at me like a kid sister.”

  I frowned. “I didn’t think about that, the age difference I mean. I guess you are in different stages of life.” I let out a long sigh and forced my loyalty to accept that reason. “But still, he’s a catch. He should have found somebody by now.”

  “He is a catch,” she said thoughtfully. “We had a really nice time hanging out. I definitely like him.”

  “There has to be something. What about weird tics? Did he chew with his mouth open? Not a good tipper? Did he check out other girls all night long?” When she wrinkled her nose at me, I cried, “Come on! I need dirt.” It bothered me how many questions I had about Ben. But it also bothered me that Emma had been on a date with him and seen this side of him I never had. We had only known each other a couple of months, but there was something about him that made me feel comfortable to count him as one of my friends.

  And ever since Grady died, those had been very few and far between.

  Well, basically just Emma.

  I had other friends before Grady passed away, but over the past ten years of our marriage my close friendships had more or less dissolved into casual ones. We all had families to take care of now and the time we made for each other had lessened year after year.

  Sure, there were still girls I could talk to, but since Grady’s funeral, I had pretty much been a weepy mess of a human. Nobody wanted to deal with that or listen to how hard things were for me now. I knew most of my friends were afraid to even bring Grady up. And I was too apathetic about those shallow friendships to care.

  If I didn’t have Emma though…

  I couldn’t even think about that.
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br />   “Honestly, I think he’s interested in someone else.” Emma sounded completely perplexed.

  “He’s never mentioned anyone to me,” I told her. I was a little surprised too. If he had his eyes on someone else, why had he agreed to go on a date with Emma?

  Her eyes narrowed a bit and her eyebrows bunched together. “I think it’s you, Lizbeth. I think he likes you.”

  An unbelieving laugh bubbled out of me. “Now who’s just being loyal?”

  “I’m serious! He asked approximately three thousand questions about you during dinner. He smiles whenever he so much as says your name. He’s clearly smitten.”

  I felt sick suddenly. The sandwich churned unforgivably in my stomach. “He thinks I’m crazy. He smiles because he’s trying not to laugh at me.”

  “I think he has a crush.”

  I pressed my lips together to keep from demanding Emma to take it all back. How could she think that? “Emma, be serious. I am not the kind of girl men have crushes on. He’s seen the chaos of my life and he knows about Grady. The last thing he has is a crush on me. He feels sorry for me. That’s it.” As soon as I said the words, I hated them. The thing I appreciated about Ben so much was that he didn’t feel sorry for me.

  Or at least he didn’t act like it.

  “He does not feel sorry for you, Elizabeth. He likes you.”

  “As a friend.”

  A full minute went by where neither of us said a word. We stared at each other, waiting on the other to admit that she was wrong. I felt myself grow hard with determination. She was wrong about this.

  Finally, she gave a defeated sigh and said, “I’m sorry I said anything.”

  “I’m sorry I freaked out.”

  She looked at the clock on my stove. “I should go anyway. I have to get ready for class.”

  I deflated immediately. I wrapped my arms around my waist and curled my shoulders in. I didn’t want her to leave like this. And over something so stupid! Why couldn’t I stop fighting with every single person I cared about? I hated that I kept lashing out in the ugliest ways possible.