Great Balls of Fury

by Annabel Chase

  I walked through the front door with the hellhound trailing behind me. She seemed to remember the house and went sniffing along the floorboards to the family room. I found my mother in the kitchen, along with Anton and my grandmother.

  “Eden!” My mother dropped her spatula on the counter and bustled over to embrace me.

  As my hug tightened, she wiggled away. “Careful not to crease my top, honey. I’m going out soon.”

  I released her and hugged my brother instead. “Good to see you.”

  He kissed the top of my head. “Same. I have to warn you, it’s kind of a circus in here.”

  “Thanks to you and your children,” Grandma said. “Who needs all these jars and toys? You’re not raising cats.” Candy, Grandma’s black cat with a singularly bad attitude, was treated better than most family members.

  “Verity and I are staying here while our house is being remodeled,” Anton said.

  “Where is Verity?” I asked. Verity is a doctor with her own local practice. As a druid healer, a doctor made perfect sense as a career choice.

  “Work,” Anton said. “She’ll be home in time for dinner. She’s scaled back her hours to spend more time with the kids.”

  I eyed him curiously. “And why aren’t you at work?”

  “I was,” Anton said indignantly. “I had to stop in to get my phone charger. It keeps losing battery.”

  “That’s because you let Olivia play games on it,” my mother said. “I told you that would happen.”

  “Wow. Olivia is playing electronic games already?” I asked. My niece was only a toddler when I left home.

  “Five is still too young, in my opinion,” my mother said. “It’ll damage her eyes.”

  Anton heaved a sigh. “There’s no scientific evidence that screen use will damage her eyes.”

  “Since when do we care about scientific evidence?” Grandma said. “We’re witches.”

  “And Verity is a doctor,” Anton stressed.

  “When do I get to meet my nephew?” Ryan was only a year old, so we hadn’t met in person, only an occasional video chat.

  “He’s napping,” Grandma said. “And if you wake him, I’ll kill you and bury you in the backyard next to the last person who woke him.”

  “Mother, stop it!” my mother said. She tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “He’s not the best sleeper.”

  “I guess Olivia is at school,” I said.

  “Oh, don’t worry,” Grandma said. “You’ll know when that one comes through the door. She moves like thunder.”

  “She’s five,” I said. “How loud can she be?”

  No one responded.

  “So who wants to help me bring in my stuff?” I asked.

  “You expect an old woman to pitch in?” My grandma suddenly made herself appear very small and frail. It was a gift.

  “Anton?” I looked at my brother expectantly.

  “I would, but I have to get back to the office.” He grabbed his phone charger off the counter.

  “How much stuff is there?” my mother asked, suddenly concerned. “A lot?”

  “I don’t know. Why?” I asked. “I told you I was coming to stay. It’s not my fault you didn’t tell me Anton was staying here, too.” With his wife and two kids, no less.

  “You didn’t tell me you got fired,” my mother shot back.

  “I didn’t get fired,” I huffed. “I got transferred. To here. I thought you’d be pleased.”

  “Pleased that you got a demotion?”

  I resisted the urge to stamp my foot. “It’s not a demotion. I’m in charge of the whole office here. Basically, it’s a promotion.”

  My mother stifled a laugh. “Eden, you seem to forget that I’ve lived here a lot longer than you and spent a fair amount of time with Paul Pidcock.”

  “She’s just lashing out because she has to tell everyone she works in IT instead of as a fancy field agent,” Grandma said.

  “It’s not IT,” I said.

  “You told your mother computers,” Grandma argued.

  “Cyber crime. Computer and network intrusions,” I clarified.

  Grandma ignored my explanation. “Face it, Eden, you’re a clout shark.”

  I narrowed my eyes at the elderly witch. “Have you been reading the urban dictionary again?”

  Grandma shrugged her bony shoulders. “I like the internet. Passes the time.”

  “You know our Eden.” My mother rolled her eyes. “Evil University wasn’t good enough for her. She had to go to Do-Gooder State. With humans.”

  “They have a great basketball team this year,” my brother said.

  “First of all, Evil University is in Otherworld and you know I had no desire to live there,” I said. “Second of all, it’s not called Do-Gooder State and I got a full scholarship. You should be grateful.”

  “Why? It would’ve been your student loans, not ours,” my grandmother said.

  No surprise that they missed the point. They didn’t care about my grades when I’d earned them. They certainly weren’t going to care now.

  “Have you been to see your father yet?” my mother asked. I knew what her real question was—did you see your father before you came to see me?

  “No,” I said truthfully. “I figured I’d head over once I got settled here. Take Buttercup with me.” Say what you want about vengeance demons, but my dad loved Princess Buttercup.

  “I can guess why you don’t want to stay with your father,” Grandma said. “Starts with an S and ends with a resting bitch face.”

  My mother’s head bobbed in agreement. “That woman sucks the energy out of your father and everyone she comes into contact with. She’s an emotional vampire.”

  “No, Mom,” I replied. “Sally is an actual vampire.”

  My mother grunted. “Whatever.”

  “I’ll stay there if you don’t have room for me,” I said, knowing the riot that suggestion would incite.

  “The attic isn’t good enough for you?” Grandma snapped.

  “The attic?” I echoed. Okay, I knew space was scarce, but I hadn’t anticipated the attic.

  “I’m sorry, honey,” my mother said. “That’s all we have available right now.”

  In truth, I couldn’t stay with my dad even if I wanted to. My stepmom was okay as far as I was concerned, but she liked their house a certain way. If you moved the coaster an inch, there was an inquisition as to why you made that choice. I didn’t need the stress, not that my mother’s house was much better.

  Anton sensed the tide was turning against me. He bent down and kissed my cheek. “Catch up later, okay?”

  “Traitor,” I hissed.

  He bolted for the door before anyone could stop him.

  After unloading the car, I climbed up to the attic with the first bag. It wasn’t even summer yet, yet the air was already sweltering. I was going to need to shower twice a day while I stayed here. On second thought, maybe Sally’s inquisitions would be worth a one-shower-per-day lifestyle.

  The stacks of boxes remained untouched and there were more cobwebs than I cared to notice. I noted the mattress on the floor. At least it was covered in sheets and not dust.

  “Hello, Eden.”

  The voice startled me and I peered into the darkness. “Alice?”

  The apparition floated toward me. “It’s been quite some time.”

  “Not for you,” I said. “Probably seems like a minute has passed.” Alice Wentworth is one of the many ghosts that I’ve encountered in Chipping Cheddar. As this farmhouse had once belonged to her family, Alice tended to hang around the property. I was the only one she could talk to—one of my abilities that I had no control over—so Alice and I had gotten to know each other pretty well during my childhood.

  “I’m pleased you’re back,” Alice said. “It gets dull with no one to talk to and there’s only so much television and web surfing a ghost can take. Your grandmother’s online searches in particular are highly questionable. You should see…”

/>   I held up a hand. “I’d rather not know, Alice.”

  I plopped down on the mattress. Not the most comfortable padding, but it would do for now.

  “How long has my brother been living here?” I asked.

  “I haven’t really paid attention,” Alice said. “The children are most interesting. Quite different from you as a child.”

  “I look forward to spending time with them.”

  “In that case, might I suggest you visit your father? He has the child now.”

  My head snapped to attention. “Wait. What? I thought Ryan was asleep.”

  Alice shook her transparent head. “Your father sneaks over and takes him sometimes during his naps.”

  “No wonder the kid has an erratic sleep schedule.” What was my dad thinking?

  “He’s missed you greatly.”

  I knew Alice meant my dad. “Really?”

  “He speaks to his wife about you and to Anton, of course.”

  “Is he still traveling a lot?” I asked. In other words, is he still carrying out his vengeance commissions?

  Alice floated to the window and observed the outdoors. “Yes, but he’s home now. I passed through there less than an hour ago and they were in the kitchen with Ryan.”

  I pulled myself to my feet. “Fine, I’ll go now. Might as well rip off the Band-Aid.”

  “I believe Sally has baked carrot cake in honor of your return,” Alice said.

  I perked up. “With cream cheese frosting?”

  “That I cannot say.” She tapped her nose. “No sense of smell, you see.”

  “Ah, well. You had me at cake.” I began to climb down the attic steps. “It’s good to see you again, Alice.”

  “Welcome home, Eden.”

  “It’s my little girl!” My father greeted me with a warm hug. He’s the world’s touchiest, feeliest vengeance demon and I both loved and resented him for it.

  “Hi, Dad.”

  He squeezed my arms. “Who’s been working out, huh? Imagine the damage you can cause with those muscles.”

  “I don’t want to do any damage, dad, but thanks.”

  “Welcome back, darling.” Sally crossed the kitchen to give me a cool kiss on the cheek. Unlike my father, the vampire wasn’t much of a hugger.

  “Did you whiten your fangs?” I asked, noticing Sally’s gleaming sharp teeth. Only other supernaturals or humans with the Sight can see that Sally is a vampire. To everyone else, she looks like an attractive middle-aged woman.

  “I did,” Sally said. “Thank you for noticing.” She gave my father a pointed look.

  “Eden, have you met your adorable nephew?” my dad asked.

  Ryan sat in a highchair in the kitchen. A bowl of food and a spoon were on his tray.

  “Hello, Ryan,” I said. “I’m your Aunt Eden. Remember me from the phone screen?”

  Ryan’s lips parted, revealing pink gums and a smattering of teeth.

  “Who’s the most evil baby in the world?” my dad said in a high-pitched voice. “You are!”

  Ryan gurgled.

  “Dad, he’s only one. Let’s not start with that already.”

  “Never too soon to get in touch with your true nature,” he said.

  “I made a carrot cake in your honor,” Sally said. “Would you like a slice?”

  “Yes, please,” I said. I took a seat on a stool at the counter and watched Sally uncover the cake.

  “Want to hear about my latest summoning?” my dad asked.

  I could tell by his excited tone that I really, really didn’t.

  “Virgins, all of them,” he said, and sliced a hand through the air.

  I wanted to cover my ears. I didn’t need to hear my father’s talking about virgins, for a summoning or any other reason.

  “Nobody understands the raw power virgins have,” my dad continued.

  “And some of us don’t want to understand,” I replied.

  “So a new job, Eden?” Sally asked, sensing my discomfort. She set a small plate and fork on the counter. “Must feel good to shake things up a bit. Life can get so stale.”

  For an immortal, maybe.

  “If you wanted a new job, you should have moved into the family business,” my father said.

  I tried to focus on something good, like the cake. Yum. It was cream cheese frosting.

  “I didn’t want a new job,” I said, my mouth full. “I liked my old job.”

  “You could be like your cousin Francie,” my dad said, ignoring me. “She specializes in infectious diseases.”

  “Yes, in giving them to people.” No thank you.

  He gave me a blank look. “Well, what else?”

  “Dad, you know that’s not what I want out of life.”

  “The world needs darkness,” my stepmom said. “Without it, there’s no light.”

  “Sally’s right,” my dad said. “Someone’s got to deliver the herpes hex. Might as well be you.”

  Sally poured me a glass of milk. “Death. Disease. It’s all necessary. What’s a little pestilence between friends?”

  I fought to retain my composure. “I’m not the STD fairy. I’m a fury.”

  “Damn straight,” my dad said, pounding a fist into his open palm. “Time for you to embrace it and act like one.”

  Inwardly, I groaned. I was home all of two seconds and my father was already trying to recruit me to the dark side. Subtle he was not.

  A knock on the door saved me and did a silent thanks to the gods. My father went to open the door and I heard the familiar voice of Mick O’Neill, the local chief of police. Mick and my dad have been friends since before I was born, although Chief O’Neill doesn’t know the truth about my family. Or, if he does, he never let on.

  “Eden!” Chief O’Neill exclaimed. He entered the kitchen with a big smile. “You get prettier every time I see you.”

  “Hi, Chief. What brings you here?” I asked. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Sally’s fangs retract and a pop of color appeared on her cheeks.

  “I’m dropping off a set of golf clubs I borrowed from your dad,” Chief O’Neill said. “He always has the best toys.”

  “At least he’s good about sharing them,” I said.

  “Stanley, you should know there’s something strange going on with your seven iron,” the chief said.

  My dad’s brow furrowed. “What do you mean? You broke it?”

  “No, no.” Chief O’Neill chuckled nervously. “Nothing like that. I had to stop using it. Every time I made contact, the ball would fly up in the air and drop straight back down where it was.” He shook his head. “It was the darnedest thing.”

  “Hmm,” my dad said. “Thanks for letting me know. I’ll have it checked out.”

  I choked back laughter. I knew perfectly well what had happened to his seven iron. My mother delighted in using her magic to play pranks on my father ever since the divorce. Having a witch for an ex-wife wasn’t easy. To be fair, having a vengeance demon for an ex-husband was no walk in the park either.

  “Maybe have mom look it over,” I said. “You know she has a knack for these things.”

  My father shot me a dark look. “Yes, she certainly does.”

  “I hear you’re back for good,” the chief said to me. “That’s a surprise.”

  “For me, too,” I said.

  Chief O’Neill rubbed his hands together. “You and I might get to work together. Wouldn’t that be great?”

  “I’d rather she work with me,” my dad said.

  “As a traveling salesman?” the chief queried. “Come on, Stanley. A federal agent is pretty darn good compared to that.”

  “How often did you work with Paul Pidcock?” I asked.

  The chief’s expression clouded over at the mention of my predecessor. “What a loss to the community. Nice guy, Paul. I admit, he kept to himself and we didn’t interact often, but when we did, I liked him.”

  Chief O’Neill is a nice guy, too. I’ve always liked him. I figured he kept my dad from being
too evil in his daily life. Maybe I could do the same.

  “Bees are a terrible way to go,” Sally said with a shudder.

  “Buzz,” Ryan said.

  “Very good!” My dad looked elated. “He’s going to be a smarty. I can tell.”

  Chief O’Neill crossed the room to pat Ryan on the head. “He looks like Anton when Anton was this age.”

  I thought he looked like a smushed version of Anton with a sprinkling of Grandma thrown in, but I kept quiet.

  “He eats like Anton,” Sally said. “Every time I turn around, the child is hungry again. If only I could pop a vein…”

  The chief laughed. “Then men could breastfeed, too.”

  “Yes, that’s what she meant,” I said hastily. My family had a tendency to speak freely, even when they shouldn’t.

  “Verity sends over all these bottles and jars,” my dad complained. “It has to have the word ‘organic’ on it or we’re not allowed to serve it to him. I mean, kids need to be exposed to garbage to build up their immune systems.”

  A horrible thought occurred to me. “You’re not sneaking him actual garbage, are you?” I wouldn’t put it past him. My father could be stubborn.

  My father looked horrified. “Would I risk your sister-in-law’s wrath?”

  “Verity is…” I nearly said ‘a druid’ until I remembered Chief O’Neill was in the room. “Verity is not exactly known for her temper.” Druids were known for their healing powers, which was the reason Verity had been drawn to a medical career. Of course, her patients often made miraculous recoveries that science could never explain. All in a day’s work.

  “Maybe I should take Ryan back to Mom’s in case someone’s looking for him,” I said.

  My father chuckled. “No one’s looking for him. I take him all the time.”

  “Mom would blow a fuse if she knew.”

  He winked. “Why do you think I don’t tell her?”

  “I promise not to arrest you for kidnapping,” the chief said, “but you should probably leave a note just in case someone decides to check.”

  “He’s my grandson,” my dad said. “I’ll spend time with him whenever I please. I’m certainly not stepping into that house to see him.”

  “Good thing you’re home, Eden,” the chief said. “Someone needs to keep an eye on this one. The older he gets, the more ornery he gets.” He gave a wave. “I’ll see you around. I told my deputy I’d patrol downtown so he could go to a concert.”