The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl: Squirrel Meets World
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SPEED.
STRENGTH.
AGILITY.
DAY-SAVING.
THERE CAN BE NO DOUBT.
SQUIRREL GIRL IS A SUPER HERO.
A WORTHY FOE TO ANY SUPER VILLAIN.
Ana Sofía felt so uneasy she barely touched the cheese and crackers that made up her lunch.99 In the video, Squirrel Girl did look like a Super Hero, even if Ana Sofía wasn’t sure she could technically be one unless real professional heroes acknowledged her. Maybe the Avengers would see this and decide they needed Squirrel Girl in their Super Hero world-saving super team. Maybe even Thor was watching the video right that second.
Thor. Ana Sofía felt her cheeks grow hot and glanced around to make sure no one noticed.
Mike wasn’t at her table today. Or yesterday. Maybe he’d finally gotten so annoyed with humanity in general that he dropped out of school. The Somebodies were gathered around their usual tables by the frozen-yogurt machine, but none looked her way.
Ana Sofía’s uneasy tummy burbled when she thought about that last line in the video: “A worthy foe to any Super Villain.”
Who was filming Squirrel Girl? Was it MM himself? What did he want?
Ana Sofía pushed up her sleeves and got to work, tracking the video-submitter’s origin, tracing the account back to an IP address, and then narrowing down where and to whom that IP address belonged. It wasn’t easy. This guy knew his stuff and was trying to make himself invisible. But Ana Sofía knew something about sorta being invisible herself. Not to mention a thing or two about computers.
Someone tapped Ana Sofía’s shoulder. She looked up. The cafeteria was almost empty now; most of fourth-period lunch was heading back to class. Only the Somebodies were still lingering. One of their younger members, Lucy Tang, had tapped Ana Sofía’s shoulder. Ana Sofía had known her in elementary school as a nice and somewhat shy girl. Getting into the Somebodies had made her bolder, more eager and anxious, and also a bit harder-edged.100
Lucy was talking. Ana Sofía sighed and turned on her hearing aid.
“What?”
Lucy huffed an annoyed breath. “I said, Heidi wants to invite you to sit with us.”
Ana Sofía’s already-uneasy stomach went queasy-uneasy. Her exhausted self dropped into ultra-exhausted. She followed Lucy, because you just didn’t say no to a Somebodies summons, but she kept her eyes down because she was full of exhaustion and she didn’t know how to turn it off. She noticed that Lucy wasn’t wearing socks with her slip-on kicks. What was the point of having feet if you didn’t cushion them up in lovely soft socks? Some people just didn’t know how to live.101
When she looked up, Heidi and all dozen-plus Somebodies were looking at her, curious but also laid-back cool, as if posing for the cover of People Posing as Cats Magazine.102
“We’ve been watching the Squirrel Girl videos,” Heidi said. Probably. Heidi didn’t have a very expressive face. It was more difficult for Ana Sofía to figure out all her words. “Shady Oaks has our own Super Hero.”
Janessa started talking before Ana Sofía looked at her, so she missed what she said. In such situations Ana Sofía could either pretend she’d heard and hope no response from her was expected, or she could risk bugging people by asking them to repeat it. Squirrel Girl mattered to her too much to pretend today, so she opted for the latter.
“What was that?” asked Ana Sofía.
“I said, I thought she was freaky at first, but freaky is cool, right?” said Janessa.
The swoopy-haired guys were nodding.
Two other people started talking at the same time, and then a third joined in, jabbering so quickly to each other, Ana Sofía only caught “Squirrel Girl.”
Heidi seemed to say something else…or had she just been smacking her lips as if to spread lip gloss? Then another swoopy-haired guy was talking but he was looking down and then at Heidi, so Ana Sofía missed that, too.
“Look, I can’t follow this conversation, everyone talking over each other,” she said.
Heidi held out her hand and gestured to Ana Sofía’s phone. She handed it over. Heidi texted herself, then handed it back so they had each other’s numbers. Then she inserted Ana Sofía into a Somebodies group text.
HEIDI
Did u hear bout the skunk club? They legit went straight. Not trashing anymore and been tagging acorns all over as a sign that the town is protected by SG. They say they’re squirrel scouts like they’re an army or something. Now all my sister’s friends at union high r calling themselves squirrel scouts too. Did u know that was a thing?
“Uh, yeah,” said Ana Sofía, too tired be polite. “It’s my thing. I made it up.”
Heidi looked around, as if getting approval from her brood. The others nodded. She began speed-texting on her phone again.
HEIDI
We want u to make us squirrel scouts too and u can sit with us at lunch and come to parties at my house. Congrats ur in
Ana Sofía’s glare turned into a gape. Wait…they were making her a Somebody? Everybody at Union Junior wanted to be a Somebody. And yet it was an honor that Ana Sofía had never even bothered to daydream about. Not in the way that she definitely never-ever-never daydreamed about playing air hockey with Thor and sharing crackers and just hanging out ’cause they were like such good friends they could just look at each other and laugh and laugh knowing exactly what the other was thinking. Not like that.
JANESSA
Yeah ur cool now
LANESSA
But just u not ur friend the one with buck teeth n chubby cheeks she look funny
A few others nodded seriously.
Ana Sofía was holding her laptop. And for just a moment she had a very real daydream. Not like the daydreams she definitely never-ever-never had about Thor where the two of them went bike riding along the coast and stopped at this little Ma-and-Pa sock shop and Thor bought a sock so big he wore it like a hat, and it streamed behind him as he rode, flopping around in the wind, and how they laughed and laughed!
Not like that. This daydream involved her knocking the Somebodies over their heads with her laptop. I’ll show you who looks funny….
She took a deep breath. She asked herself what Doreen would do. Her left hand made the sign of an S, her right hand a G tracing a flowing tail away from the S.
“This is the sign for Squirrel Girl,” she said, just trying to start with something positive. No matter what Doreen said, being positive was way overrated. Still, she could see it would have a better effect than speaking those other not-so-positive words that were in her head at the moment. “Yes…you can be Squirrel Scouts. But it’s important for Squirrel Girl that all those who represent her brand of awesomeness do so in a positive, heroic way. So you first, uh, need to learn the Squirrel Scout Creed. Repeat after me.”
Ana Sofía made up the creed as she went, and sentence by sentence, they repeated after her:
As a Squirrel Scout, I solemnly promise to never judge someone by how they look. Or talk. Or walk. Or leap. I will defend the weak, the frightened, and the interesting. I will be a friend to the small and furry. I will be brave and silly. I will be honest, even when it’s awkward. I will notice other people’s awesomeness. And my own. And we will be awesome together. And also save the day whenever the day needs saving. Uh, amen.
“It’s a work in progress,” said Ana Sofía apologetically. “I’ll have a better Squirrel Scout Creed next week, probably. But you get the general idea.”
Heidi, it seemed, hadn’t noticed any flaws. Her eyes were sparkling as she said, “I’ve never had a creed before.”
“Really?” said Ana Sofía.103
Heidi stood up and imitated the Squirrel Girl symbol: letter S with the letter G swooping away, all tail-like. She was maybe five feet tall, but just then, she looked as powerful as a Greek goddess. She threw back her hair and grinned as she madly texted.
HEIDI
I love being a squirrel scout! Im totes gonna uphold our awesome creed n teach others this aweso
meness! And ur cheeked friend can sit with us too right fellow squirrel scouts?
The Somebodies read her text on their phones, nodding. One by one they made the Squirrel Girl sign.
Seeing the power her words fired up in Heidi made Ana Sofía forget how tired she was. She kinda felt fairly awesome herself. She kinda felt almost a teeny tiny bit like a real Super Hero.
Thor would be so proud.
DOREEN
Union Junior’s parent-teacher conference was in the gym. The sandy-sweet chemical smell of bulk discount cookies on the refreshment table mixed with the gym’s shoe-rubber and stale teen-sweat odors. Doreen’s keen nose picked up all of it, and she wished the wish of open windows.
Though after being grounded, it felt pretty amazing to be back at school, strange scents and all. Two days alone in her room, blasting songs through her headphones loud enough to fill up the lonely places. Sneaky windowsill visits from Tippy-Toe had kept her sane. Now she was so relieved to be around other people again she couldn’t help bouncing on the balls of her feet.104
The teachers sat at tables throughout the gym and parents stood in line for their turns. All the lines reminded Doreen of an amusement park. An amusement park where the ride was to sit down in front of your Algebra teacher, who then told your parents all your faults.105
“At the beginning of the semester, she showed no interest in her work,” said Mr. Herrmann. “Then her homework started to improve, but she was absent this week and I fear she’s falling behind again.”
“We won’t let that happen,” said Dor. “Right, Doreen?”
Doreen nodded. Her feelings about algebra had greatly improved since Ana Sofía helped her make sense of it, but dang it if it wasn’t hard to get homework done while also saving the day two or three times a week.106
Then on to her English teacher, Mrs. Finlayson.
“Doreen really needs to work on her focus. When she finishes her work, she does it too quickly.”
“You’re so right, she is quick!” said Dor. “And so efficient. I love that about her.”
“I guess…” said Mrs. Finlayson.
On to Biology teacher Mr. Rodriguez.
“Obviously bright but very…talkative.”
“Oh yes, very bright,” agreed Maureen. “And yes, so talkative! We never lack for conversation. Doreen is our lifeblood!” Maureen kissed Doreen’s head.
“Yes…but…” said Mr. Rodriguez.
History teacher, Mrs. Nelson.
“It’s an awkward age; I’m sure she’ll grow out of it.”
“No hurry, if you ask me!” said Dor. “Every year I think: this is my favorite age for Doreen yet. But then she surprises me by getting better and better.”
“That’s sweet,” said Mrs. Nelson, dabbing her eyes. “You’re right. Doreen is special. I forget sometimes that they’re…they’re all special.”
And Mrs. Nelson broke down crying.107
Maureen and Dor beamed, all their wonderful opinions about Doreen confirmed.
Doreen was trying to catch sight of Ana Sofía and finally spied her with her parents over by the PE teachers.
“BRB,” said Doreen. “I’ve gotta warn Ana Sofía about the bulk-discount chemical cookies.”
The crowd was thick. Doreen tensed her leg muscles, crouched, and very nearly sprang right over their heads.
No. She stopped herself just in time. It was confusing, switching between Doreen and Squirrel Girl.
Instead she scampered through the crowd. She was pretty good at threading through spaces seemingly too tight for a fourteen-year-old girl.
As she passed by the Computers teacher, Mrs. Lin, she overheard her say, “Mike has been missing so much school lately. Is he okay?”
Curious, Doreen slowed down to listen. A woman who must have been Mike’s mother was sitting upright in the folding chair before Mrs. Lin. She was tall and skinny, with rigid posture, pale smooth skin, and perfectly straight brown hair, dressed in a well-pressed pantsuit in a conservative navy blue.
“Mike is fine,” said Mike’s mother. “He is a little ill, so I have kept him home. But I want to assure you he is fine. No need to alert the authorities.”
“Okay,” said Mrs. Lin. “Will you tell him we miss him? He’s my best student. Such a clever mind!”
Mike’s mother said it again. “Mike is fine. He is smart and keeping up with his studies at home. I want to assure you that he is fine.”
“Okaaay,” said Mrs. Lin.
Sheesh, what a dull conversation. Doreen moved on and caught up with Ana Sofía.
“Hey, FYI, don’t eat the cookies,” said Doreen, signing the best she could. She knew all the noise in the gym would make it impossible for Ana Sofía to understand her. “They smell more like plastic and oil and metal than food. I don’t know where the school bought them, but—”
“I have to talk to you,” said Ana Sofía. “But it’s so noisy in here.” She held up a finger to Doreen and spoke to her mother. “Mamá, me voy afuera por un ratito. Espérame, okay?”
Ana Sofía pulled Doreen outside. Doreen took a big breath, filling herself up with delicious tree pollen, the fresh aroma of grass. Outdoor dirt just smelled cleaner than indoor dirt.
“The account that originally registered the block of IPs that posted the videos—the bank account, I mean, the one that paid the fees—belongs to Adam Romanger,” said Ana Sofía.
“Who? What?” said Doreen. “Pee fees? I know what you said means something. It’s like a secret code! I want to learn all the computer science stuff you know. Hey, maybe that’ll be my major someday in college. Wait…Romanger? That name sounds familiar….”
“Adam Romanger is Mike’s dad. I think he’s the one posting the videos.”
“No way! Mike’s mom is in there, but his dad isn’t, and neither is Mike. He hasn’t been to school in like a week, right?”
Just then Mike’s mother exited the school. Her eyes fixed straight ahead, she walked across the parking lot, made a right turn at the sidewalk, and continued on.
“Something’s—” Doreen started.
“Off about her,” Ana Sofía finished.
Ana Sofía had to go back to her mother, so Doreen crawled through the parking lot by herself. Completely inconspicuous. Unless someone happened to look over and wonder why that girl was crawling around a parking lot.
Tippy-Toe found her and crawled alongside her, head low to the ground and tail up. Doreen peered over the hood of a car, watching Mike’s mother disappear into the night. Tippy-Toe leaped onto her head.
“Hey, Tip,” Doreen whispered. “Will you follow that lady? Tell me where she goes?”
“Chk chukka chk?”
“No, the lady, not the robot. Wait, what?”
“Chuk-chk.”
“The lady is a robot? How do you know?”
“Chuk chika cha.”
“Whoa, you’re right. And I was blaming that smell on the cookies. In that case, maybe we should both follow her.”
Following proved to be difficult for Doreen. Sneaking after someone required her to move slower than the target. Doreen kept creeping from tree to tree way too fast, almost bumping into Mike’s mother, and then having to crouch behind a bush and wait for-ev-er for her to walk another block.
DOREEN
Turns out Mike’s mom is a robot. Following her. She’s soooooooooooooooo slow makes me want to scream
ANA SOFÍA
She’s a robot for real?
DOREEN
Why can’t evil people be faster? This is more irritating than accidentally eating a raisin
ANA SOFÍA
So ur parents are ok with u being super sleuth
DOREEN
Um txt u ltr
* * *
DOREEN
Hey Mumz sry I took off evil is afoot
MOM
Your father says to tell you that evil is not a foot but a butt. LOL ROFL
DOREEN
Evil is a butt! I’m using that
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MOM
Just so long as evil isn’t a head. Get it? Ahead? :) ;) LOL
DOREEN
I get it
MOM
Now your father is calling evil random body parts. :)> You’re probably glad you’re missing this
Wait why are you missing this? Where are you?
DOREEN
Following evil butts
MOM
But we still need to meet with your gym teacher and your history teacher. Is another baby in danger?
DOREEN
Probably somewhere? But there’s this robot and I just need to follow her and see whats up bc she’s my friends mom sorta? Sorta friend. Sorta mom
MOM
Your sorta friend’s sorta mom is a robot?
DOREEN
That’s what I’m trying to find out
MOM
Well now I have to know too. Ok but you stay back and don’t engage. No SG promise?
DOREEN
Promise
MOM
Double promise? I mean it. I can be a mean mom if I need to
DOREEN
You don’t need to I promise
And Doreen meant it. She really wasn’t going to be Squirrel Girl. But as she perched in the sturdy maple across the street from the Romanger residence, she just felt so vulnerable. Like a shaved chipmunk. Like a tailless squirrel. Like half of herself.
Tail out. Hoodie up. But stay back, Squirrel Girl. Stay way back.
SQUIRREL GIRL
The curtains of the Romangers’ big picture window were not entirely closed, and between it getting dark outside and her excellent Squirrel Vision, Squirrel Girl could see two people on a couch watching television. The blue flickering lights of the TV lit up Mike’s parents as they stared, expressionless, back at it.