The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl: Squirrel Meets World
Page 14
Squirrel Girl dropped her heroic pose. “Oh no,” she said. “Did those robots…kill them?”
“Excuse me?” Mike asked.
“I’m sorry,” Squirrel Girl said. “That was indelicate. Did those robots…eat them?”
“No, no,” Mike said, waving his hands. “My parents, my human parents, they’re just on a business trip. They have to travel a lot.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No, it’s good. Their jobs are really important. The most important. Frankly, I feel really sad for you and everyone else whose parents aren’t as intelligent and important as mine.”
Mike seemed to mean it. So Squirrel Girl tried to make her sad-for-you face look like a sad-for-me face.
“Someone sent those robot look-alikes to kidnap me while they were gone—probably their enemies, which all intelligent and important people have.”
“By any chance did your dad set up lots of cameras around town to spy on me and put a talking zucchini baby in a hot-air balloon?”
“Not that I’m aware of,” he said. “Though I guess that if that was intelligent and important he totally might have.”
“Huh. When will your parents be back?” Squirrel Girl asked, eyeing the bizarrely empty basement.
“Oh, soon probably,” Mike said. “I’ll be fine.”
“But you’ll be alone,” Squirrel Girl said.
“Yes, thanks to you.”
“But…we should tell the police or—”
“NO!” said Mike. He took a breath and spoke carefully. “No. My parents trust me to look after myself. Obviously. Or they wouldn’t have left me alone. You should go now. Squirrel Girl.”
“Oookay,” she said and started up the stairs. She popped her head back down. Mike was standing just where she had left him.
“FYI, your living room window, and, um, basement door are broken,” she said. “Also maybe some walls and furniture. And that really nice shrubbery.”
“Okay,” he said.
“Right,” she said, and scampered back up the stairs and onto the Romangers’ roof. She sniffed the air. Victory smelled sweet. Also, a little like oiled metal and burned squirrel fur. But still, victory. Sweet.
TEXT MESSAGES
SQUIRREL GIRL
Hey is this a super hero?
ROCKET
No this is Rocket go away.
SQUIRREL GIRL
Rocket sounds like a hero name
ROCKET
Wrong. Hero names sound like me.
SQUIRREL GIRL
I got your number from the avengers tho so you must be special
ROCKET
Didn’t say I wasn’t special. I’m extra special. But those flarknards should not be giving out this number.
SQUIRREL GIRL
So u do know them! Do u have thor’s number? Wait does thor even have a phone?
ROCKET
Sure yeah that hammer has an Asgardian cell chip built in.
SQUIRREL GIRL
Really?
ROCKET
Doubt it. You don’t want to talk to him anyway. Asgardians ain’t great on dialog.
SQUIRREL GIRL
How about cpt america? His costume has pouches one prob holds a phone
ROCKET
Yeah but then you got the whole human problem.
SQUIRREL GIRL
?
ROCKET
You know how humans are. They don’t know jack about squat.
SQUIRREL GIRL
I’m human
ROCKET
So you know what I mean. Just a bunch of clueless hairless tailless krutackers down there on Earth am I right?
SQUIRREL GIRL
I have hair
ROCKET
But barely.
SQUIRREL GIRL
I also have a tail
ROCKET
No glarking?
SQUIRREL GIRL
I don’t know what that means. Is that a space swear word? But yes I have a squirrel tail. Tails are awesome
ROCKET
I know right? I feel bad for the poor naked bottom slobs without ’em.
SQUIRREL GIRL
Me too! You have a tail?
ROCKET
Straight up. You Earth people wouldn’t keep mistaking me for a raccoon if I didn’t.
SQUIRREL GIRL
Raccoon?
ROCKET
I AM GROOT.
SQUIRREL GIRL
wut?
ROCKET
I AM GROOT.
Groot, quit your yakking. The messaging program on the console uses voice recognition and I’m trying to talk to a girl with a squirrel tail.
I AM GROOT.
Aw that’s okay, don’t be so hard on yourself.
SQUIRREL GIRL
So ur an alien? Do you know anything about robots?
ROCKET
Only everything. You’re lucky you got me and not any of those flark-nozzle Avengers
SQUIRREL GIRL
Have you ever dealt with evil robot parents?
ROCKET
Sure. They yours?
SQUIRREL GIRL
No a kid’s from school and I’m trying to figure out who made them
ROCKET
You find them at a theme park?
SQUIRREL GIRL
No
ROCKET
The bots say anything about impenetrable vibroscreens or paving the way for the Kree Empire?
SQUIRREL GIRL
No
ROCKET
Is the kid dead?
SQUIRREL GIRL
No
ROCKET
It’s him. He made ’em
SQUIRREL GIRL
Their son made them?
ROCKET
Yep.
I AM GROOT.
See? Groot agrees. Unless the kid is a robot, too. Is he?
SQUIRREL GIRL
I don’t think so
ROCKET
Does he say BEEP a lot?
SQUIRREL GIRL
Not that I’ve noticed
ROCKET
Earth bots LOVE to say BEEP. But my bet is your boy is a regular meat-person, ’cause having robot parents is every human kid’s dream
SQUIRREL GIRL
I don’t think that’s true
ROCKET
Well not yours, obviously. You have a tail. You’re clearly well-adjusted.
SQUIRREL GIRL
I like to think so
ROCKET
But seriously go check out the kid.
SQUIRREL GIRL
Thx you’ve been super helpful
ROCKET
Tail pride, sister.
MICRO-MANAGER
Mike scanned through the columns of data his drones had collected during Squirrel Girl’s three trials. He smiled. According to his analysis, he had a 98 percent chance of victory against her. He would have preferred 100 percent, but the hero’s battle with the android parents had come unexpectedly early. It had been planned, of course, but for three days later and in a venue other than his own house.
The timetable had to be moved up. He needed to activate the endgame now. He had drawn too much attention to the Romangers already, and that was a no-no.
His parents—his real non-robot human parents—were lifelong Hydra agents. Their relationship and marriage had been a research project by the Human Leverage Research division of Hydra, an attempt to prove the existence of such supernatural concepts as “love” and “domestic bliss.” The experiment had failed, of course, and when it was shut down, his parents had been reassigned. His father had gone back to the subterranean nano-tech manufactory in Cleveland, and his mother had returned to the Office of Viruses and Countermeasures in Rexburg, Idaho. Leaving Mike behind, alone.
He’d long wondered why Hydra hadn’t gotten rid of him. He was a loose end from a failed project. But since he was not dead, his parents must have intervened. Though their domestic experiment failed, perhaps they had still felt some small k
ind of parental affection for him. The idea made him feel an embarrassingly warm and tingly sensation in his chest.
The last time he’d seen his mother, two years ago, she had said, “Hydra will probably ignore you. As long as you don’t draw attention to yourself. Above all, be smart and be clever.”
Mike shook his head, the disappointment he felt in himself obliterating that warm-glowy-chest thing. Having a Super Hero vs. robot fight in your home probably qualified as “drawing attention.”
But his parents had left behind so many toys. His father’s 3-D printers just sitting in the basement and in the family warehouse, each connected to spools of Hydra-issue titanium polymer. His mother’s server farm and her workstations had not been wiped. All her programming libraries and self-learning code strings were still intact, ready to be uploaded to an accommodating computing platform. It was irresistible. You can’t leave a kid alone with toys and not expect him to play.
And frankly, he’d concluded, it must have been a test. Why else would they have left it all behind if not for him? To see if he could prove himself equal in evil to his parents. And more than just a loose end from a failed experiment.
When Squirrel Girl had shown up the night of the parent-teacher conference, Mike had allowed the robot parents to battle her just as they had been programmed to do, despite it being the wrong day and wrong place. It was a calculated risk. He needed to see how well the Squirrel Girl fared in actual combat. Now he knew. Now he was ready. After his endgame with the rodent-girl, everyone would know his value. When Hydra came for him after that, it would not be to kill him. It would be to recruit him. He giggled with the thought and ate three Oreos in a row.
Blowing the cookie dust off his fingers, he logged in to the Hydra Hopefuls subgroup on the Baddit Super Villain forums, ready to post the announcement. His breath came faster; his fingers tingled. There was no turning back now.
Baddit / Hydra Hopefuls / Announcements111
SATURDAY SUPER HERO SMACKDOWN
submitted by micromanager
Big show this Saturday. Tune in to the Micro-Manager stream at 14:00 GMT to see a Super Hero get smacked down. By the Micro-Manager. Me. If you are actively recruiting talent, DO NOT MISS THIS.
44 comments / share / save / hide / report
HELLSTROM8
lies
MICROMANAGER
all true. stream at 14:00 to see
ANONYMASQUE
what hero?
MICROMANAGER
new one. its a surprise. check it out.
HELLSTROM8
proof of lies
ILLUMINASTY
trolloscam. front the info or bail. not going to waste my time watching a powerless norm get spanked.
MICROMANAGER
powered target. and I’d watch my tone if I were you.
HELLSTROM8
oh snap. liar has bite.
ILLUMINASTY
wannabe dropping empty threats. so scary. till you say who the hero is, you are public poser number 1
MICROMANAGER
think I’m going to post name deets even here and risk dropping clues to net sniffers? rookie move
ILLUMINASTY
rookie is as rookie does, u poser
MICROMANAGER
get off my thread
ILLUMINASTY
make me, mickey mangler
MICROMANAGER
ok
ILLUMINASTY
…suddenly…my mind is not my own…must leave thread…LOL!!! even if you could do anything, you’re a poser. scared. you’ve already shown that.
MICROMANAGER
not scared. smart. as in not dumb. As in smart enough to mask my ip and desynchronize my user id so people can’t run traces to find out where I’m posting from. unlike some people
ILLUMINASTY
poser. even your bluffs are bogus.
MICROMANAGER
let’s see, you’re in the western US
ILLUMINASTY
ooooh. real close.
MICROMANAGER
Utah
ILLUMINASTY
what?
MICROMANAGER
Salt Lake County
ILLUMINASTY
hey okay
MICROMANAGER
looks like the city is called Murray? weird. you live in a city named after somebody’s uncle
ILLUMINASTY
stop
MICROMANAGER
is that Vine street or whine street you’re on?
ILLUMINASTY
dude stop I’m out I’m out
HELLSTROM8
going to a new thread
ANONYMASQUE
Can you provide metahuman power ranking on the target at least?
MICROMANAGER
sure. Greek holistic scale puts target at Delta minimum. estimated strength 2.5 Rogers, speed 0.22 Maximoff.
A1M80T
how were these figures determined?
MICROMANAGER
three-tiered trial, modified Arcade system with 20+ independent monitoring drones
A1M80T
Arcade system unreliable
MICROMANAGER
hence the mods
ANONYMASQUE
impressive then, if it holds true. would you be willing to share the data?
MICROMANAGER
for a fee. but if you’re in recruitment for a credited organization I’d waive the fee.
ANONYMASQUE
lets wait until after the “smackdown” then we’ll talk
MICROMANAGER
looking forward to it
DOREEN
Sunday morning, three days after the Battle of the Mysterious Robot Parents, Doreen was training to Commander Quiff’s Un-Mixed Martial Arts in the basement. Victory. Her first big fight had ended in victory. So why did she feel kinda sick to her stomach?112 She turned the volume all the way up. She punched the air. She leaped and kicked. She said “AAAAAGGGHHH!” But the feeling stuck there in her middle, stubborn and foreboding.
Her secret phone played a beat from “Run the World (Girls),” announcing a text from her BFFAEAE.
ANA SOFÍA
Have you seen it?
SQUIRREL GIRL
Seen what?
ANA SOFÍA
Nothing stay offline k?
SQUIRREL GIRL
Why whats going on? Is there a video of the last sg fight?
ANA SOFÍA
It’s nothing. Depressing stuff. You don’t need to get distracted when MM could strike again any minute. Promise me you’ll stay offline
That was sorta like telling someone, There’s something huge and alarming behind you, but don’t look.
Now Doreen’s stomach felt like she’d swallowed a small pallet of bricks. And mortar. She stared at her phone, her thumb hovering over the web browser. Ana Sofía found the existence of lunch meats depressing. So whatever this was must not be your average everyday depressing. It must be really, really super-powered depressing. Showing tremendous inner control, Doreen put her phone down and didn’t touch it again.
Until…
Monday at school. Everyone was talking about Squirrel Girl. Doreen’s keen hearing picked up that name over and over, muttered from the back rows of classrooms and in conversations between classes.
But the way they were saying Squirrel Girl—it wasn’t the same happy, excited tone you’d use to say “Black Widow” or “She-Hulk” or “free ice cream.” It was more like the tone you’d use to say “garbage fire” or “infected hangnail” or “Great-Aunt Phyllis’s pickled yams.”113
After third period, Doreen cracked. She went to her locker, searched squirrel girl on her phone, and clicked a link to a video.114 A popular vlog on TuberTV called BrosInTheKnows had posted an episode titled “What the Freak Is Squirrel Girl?” on Saturday. So far, the episode had 123,879 views.
KEVIN C: It’s disturbing. This girl does in fact seem to have an actual biological squirrel’s tail.
KEVIN B: I mean we’
ve seen freaky, but this is beyond freaky.
KEVIN C: Do we know how she got a squirrel’s tail? Is she a failed human-animal hybrid experiment? Some mad doctor made her in a grotesque underground lab and released her on New Jersey as a cruel joke?
KEVIN B: Apparently some people are actually calling her a hero.
KEVIN C: Show me where in that last video she’s a hero. She destroys a tree, two cars, the road—
KEVIN B: Squirrel Girl. I feel like we’re being punked. Are we being punked?
KEVIN C: Somebody is. And that someone is Squirrel Girl. A hundred bucks says she has a mommy or bestest girly pal who tried to convince that weird mutated chick that she could be a hero.