The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl: Squirrel Meets World

by Shannon Hale

  12Cake Day is any day our family has cake, which includes birthdays and holidays and really any day when cake sounds like a swell idea.

  13In Chitterspeak, or squirrel language, “chkucht” means bad-kind-of-weird, as opposed to “chkicht” which is cool-interesting weird. E.g., girls being randomly mean is chkucht, and girls randomly tossing free ham sandwiches in the air would be chkicht.

  14Do I really sigh that much?

  15Or a group, rather. Humans don’t belong to burrows, right?

  16Seriously, jeans are impossible. I’m all about the stretchy pants. Throw a little flare skirt over ’em, top with a T-shirt that has a cool print, and that’s my go-to.

  17Definitely chkucht, not chkicht.

  18I’ve never eaten a worm, but squirrels say they’re not half bad in a pinch.

  19Harsh words, I know, but when you’re eating nuts, YOU WANT NUTS, amirite? It’s disturbing to bite down on a dead grape when you’re expecting a pecan.

  20He also wears lumberjack shirts and runs around with a rubber ax, screaming “Tiiiimber!” How am I possibly related to someone whose fantasy is cutting down trees? He’s six, though, so whatever.

  21I thought he was joking at first because “wild dogs”? Really? Who in this century worries about attracting wild dogs?

  22Seriously. It’s like saying “if life gives you people, grind up their organs for a beverage!” Or maybe not. Gross. I can’t believe I even said that. It’s not like that at all.

  23Not people or animals, though. Or couches that should have been able to stand up to a friendly punch. Who knew couches were so fragile?

  24Nothing wrong with basements! Some of my best friends prefer living underground. They’re squirrels TBH, but still.

  25I don’t think there’s actually a Cool Kids Magazine. There definitely isn’t a Cool Squirrels Magazine. Or Squirrel’s Digest or Squirrels Weekly or Squirrel World even. There’s a shocking lack of squirrel-related media generally. Believe me, I’ve looked.

  26My heart wasn’t literally screaming. In case you were confused. That would be sooo creepy. Anyway, could you even hear it, or would the screams be all muffled by skin and ribs and stuff?

  27I probably will eat all your snacks, TBH.

  28If you weren’t sure, Ana Sofía was being dead serious. She’s so awesome.

  29Info about the Jersey Ghost we found online: “It is said to lurk in forgotten spaces, preying on the unwary and unwanted.” Creepy, right? It also said that it steals eggs and makes mooing noises at midnight. So maybe it was a real thing or maybe it was just a hungry weasel-cow?

  30Tippy-Toe was pretty much the leader of the tree squirrels in the neighborhood, as much as tree squirrels have a leader.

  31Not screaming, though. That was probably a good sign.

  32I wasn’t sure if they were like cousin-uncle-sister family or like “family,” mafia-style. Tree squirrel family trees are crazy complicated. Way more complicated than actual trees.

  33If there really was a Hooligan Magazine I bet Daredevil would be a loyal subscriber.

  34Commander Quiff’s Kicking for Confidence. A few years ago Mom bought me some workout videos so I could “get my energy out.” I have yet to reach the bottom of my energy, but the videos are fun.

  35I’ve never observed anyone get splashed with hot cheese sauce and weevils, but I’m pretty sure they would scream exactly like those guys did.

  36Dang it! Now I really want this magazine for real!

  37Best Friend Forever and Ever and Ever, not Big Fat Feathered Aardvark Eating an Empanada, in case you were confused.

  38This is so cool! I get to find out what Ana Sofía was thinking! Wait, how am I doing this? Hmm, maybe it’s better not to wonder.

  39It’s true that Ana Sofía ranks her socks and organizes them accordingly in her sock drawers (note the plural). Not sure what to get Ana Sofía for her birthday? Pro tip: How about socks?

  40Aha! So in her mind, Ana Sofía was thinking of me as her BFFAEAE! Awesome. Unless she meant the other kind of BFFAEAE. But I’m pretty sure she didn’t. Because I haven’t eaten an empanada in months. Also, totally not an aardvark.

  41In just this moment or all the time? ’Cause I feel like that a lot.

  42Check, check, and check. Clearly he’s talking about my tail.

  43Comic books are Ana Sofía’s favorite books that aren’t about math. As far as she is concerned, if the book is supposed to entertain rather than instruct, it’d better have pictures and Super Heroes or getitawayfromme. Her comics of choice aren’t about real Super Heroes but the made-up ones, like angsty grown men who wear tights and brood between battles.

  44I’d already studied the westward migration at my old school, and Ana Sofía missed the lecture because apparently Mr. Timmons can’t be bothered to wear the around-the-neck mic that helps Ana Sofía hear him better. Kinda jerky, if you ask me.

  45BTE stands for behind-the-ear hearing aid. Dad is sort of a hearing-aid nerd. Also a blender nerd. If you have a blender, he has an opinion.

  46Turns out you don’t really need to yell “AAAARRRH” when you rip things apart, but it sure feels good.

  47Bears aren’t really my thing. But Gramma is my thing. We like to go to rock concerts together and stand close to the stage.

  48Don’t worry, they were fine. Squirrels had been landing on their feet millions of years before cats showed up and tried to claim that as their thing. But dang it, now I’m craving popcorn!

  49This was totally instinct after months of working out to Commander Quiff’s Hip Hop Leap Squats every Thursday morning.

  50This move probably came from Commander Quiff’s Zydeco Zumba. Also from watching squirrels. They do this all the time.

  51Yeah, I have superstrong, retractable claws. They slide out from under my fingernails. My parents put mitts over my hands till I was four years old to keep me from scratching myself or accidentally cutting through glass or something.

  52What’s a liege? Maybe the yoga pose he was doing kneeling with one knee? Lemme google it….Oh. It’s like a king or queen or someone you swear to serve. I think I knew that already, LOL.

  53Have you ever had something super-precious? Not diamonds or gold or whatever but precious to you, like your favorite stuffed bunny so worn down from hugs it had one ear left and all the pink fuzz on its nose was worn right off? And you kept it safe but also hidden because if your friends or brother or anyone made fun of it, that would have crushed you? That’s sort of what my secret name was like for me.

  54Jersey squirrel dialect is a tough nut to crack, isn’t it? I think this part means, “Did Big Daddy Spud give you the order to disrespect me, or are you acting on your own?”

  55Don’t even try it, Lucy. You will not win a glaring contest against Ana Sofía.

  56Glares are kinda her super power.

  57Ana Sofía may have finally agreed that we’re best friends, but she won’t budge on “pards.” That’s cool, I’ll just say it in my head.

  58Yep, definitely confusing.

  59Oh, man, I was feeling soooo bummed.

  60It was, but not as much as my heart. :(

  61Not Boy-Band Songs for Festivals, Art Events and Entertaining, of course. That’s BBSFAEAE. I meant Best Squirrel Friend Forever and Ever and Ever. Don’t tell Monkey Joe, ’kay?

  62Then she sells them online. Some people don’t want to paint their own Paint-Your-Own Elves™ but still want to own painted Paint-Your-Own Elves™, so she does decent business.

  63I don’t know what “bap” meant, but I’m sure it was something like “tails are awesome.” It is what a squirrel would say, and Dante is as close to a squirrel as you can get without actually being one. Or being me. I’m probably a little closer. Because of the tail.

  64“Tail wagging” sounds like a dog, and squirrels do not like being compared to dogs, thank you very much. Probably “tail waving around” would be a better description and prevent an angry squirrel uprising.

  65Yeah, so I found out
later that this “MM” had digger robots make pit traps since I’d been destroying some of his other animal traps. Jerk.

  66Fun fact: I first learned the meaning of “morphological root” from a squirrel. Squirrels are crazy into linguistics. They appreciate the roots and branches of things.

  67If you’re ever, like, on a cruise or something and you have the choice of shore excursions between swimming with dolphins, riding an elephant, or being hugged by a hundred squirrels, I highly recommend choosing the last one.

  68I hadn’t had much practice in catchphraseology. Yet.

  69I was singing the Spider-Man theme song the whole time. You know the one I mean? It just felt like a Spider-Man moment. Also I was changing “spider” to “squirrel” and “man” to “girl.” I mean, I knew I wasn’t a hero or anything, I was just playing around.

  70His, not mine.

  71I couldn’t help it. The Spider-Man song was still in my head.

  72If you don’t already know, Hydra is a supersecret evil organization dedicated to worldwide domination. I bet they have supersecret boring barbecues.

  73One Thanksgiving, Cousin Jenny suggested that there was no such thing as butterscotch pudding and really it was just burned toffee. Mom is normally very patient, but believe me, it got ugly.

  74I think we already established that Daredevil would be the best at waste management.

  75Not really, of course. I just can’t stand it when Dad gets sad eyes, and saying something ridiculous is usually the best way to cheer him up.

  76“Sleuthing” is what Ana Sofía calls her detective-ing, or her investigating of the Shady Oaks weirdnesses. Isn’t that a great word? I also like “rambunctious,” “elbow,” and “poinsettia.”

  77I prefer oaks generally, because ACORNS.

  78I just feel that Iron Man should give me a spare suit. I’m sure he has extra ones, and I would only use it if I really, really needed it, I swear.

  79I don’t speak Pigeon, but birds broadcast their anger pretty well.

  80A necktie. It was a nice blue-and-gold one.

  81It felt a little like those moving walkways at the airport, except, you know, heading into the sky. And fuzzier.

  82Which would have been AWESOME, and not just for the fact that a Hulk baby could fall out of a hot-air balloon and be just fine.

  83Or Mr. Menace, Mystery Muppet, Multitudinous Matilda, Mega-Margot, Man-Muzzler, Minotaur Marvin, Missile Monk, the Malibu Meteor, Mushroom Maniac…

  84In case you were wondering how that last part ended, I tore a hole in the balloon to make it go down again. Which, it turns out, is not the most effective way to land a balloon.

  85Our Wi-Fi password is “SQUIRRELS,” so she pretty much guessed it first try. Well, it was “SQUIRRELS.” Ana Sofía made me change it to something more secure so I chose “SQUIRRELSrocksohard123.” Crap, now I’m going to have to change it again.

  86Which is a thing, apparently. Like Evil Internet. Who knew?

  87Sometimes squirrels like to gather in groups by rhyming names. I think Frizzle Foe is Tippy-Toe’s first cousin.

  88They’re twins. Daisy and Dazy, I mean. Lazy is just a friend.

  89No relation.

  90No one talks about what happened to Thing Two.

  91It’s a classic. One squirrel says, “A squirrel-proof bird feeder,” and the other says, “A friendly dog,” and the first says, “A cat.” Cats are hysterical just in and of themselves, because they climb up trees and then literally get stuck up there. I mean, why would they climb up if they can’t get down? Solid squirrel humor.

  92Sometimes this Jersey squirrel dialect is tricky! Here I think she’s asking, “Did you earn that nickname, or is it the one your mother gave you at birth?”

  93You know who Black Widow is, right? Everybody knows Black Widow. Super spy, fellow redhead (respect!), penchant for tight black jumpsuits?

  94After the fact, I figured out that she wasn’t actually speaking in supersecret Avenger code but just thought I was someone else. Turns out WILN = What in Loki’s name. I guess the Avengers kinda have their own swearwords.

  95Before the gas-bugs on their back exploded, I mean. So glad this adventure doesn’t have actual exploding dogs.

  96Tony Stark, aka Iron Man. I always feel so sad for him and his awkward facial-hair choices so clearly trying to compensate for his lack of tail. :(

  97Really not sure who this Winter Soldier person is, but I’m assuming a yeti who works for the Avengers undercover?

  98I was fine. When I’m exhausted, I get punchy. I have laughing-so-hard-I-cry fits. Exhausted is when I come up with my best dance moves.

  99Ana Sofía practically lives on cheese and crackers. Meat makes her troubled. Sauce makes her gag. The occasional pickle is her idea of an intense flavor experience. She’s so awesome.

  100I think this is Ana Sofía’s way of saying “less nice.”

  101Another fun Ana Sofía fact: She doesn’t relish hugs. Try to hug her when she’s not ready for it and she’ll just stand there, arms limp, while her enormous brain thinks curses at you. But socks, she says, are hugs for your feet, and those are the best kinds of hugs.

  102*sigh* Also not a real magazine. Life is so unfair.

  103Ana Sofía has tons of creeds. Usually they’re mash-ups of the little sayings her mom cross-stitches on pillows. Like, last week’s creed was “Home is the thief of joy.” Or it might have been “Comparison is where the heart is.” Something like that.

  104Tippy says I might be more of a ground squirrel since they’re social animals, while tree squirrels tend to be solitary. But she meant it in a nice way.

  105I’m pretty sure this amusement park will never be a thing, and I’m okay with that.

  106I totally get why real Super Heroes are adults. I mean, they are, aren’t they? I don’t see Captain America battling invading alien hordes while also studying for a Biology quiz and writing an essay on symbols in Lord of the Flies.

  107When some people get tired, they cry a lot. Also I had a friend in California who, whenever we had a sleepover and stayed up too late, got sooo gassy. Exhaustion comes in many forms!

  108No kidding, this was like prize shrubbery, the kind of shrubbery that’d win a blue ribbon at a county fair. Such a tragic loss.

  109For whatever reason Sour Cream’s kids insist on being known collectively as the Chives and don’t have individual names, but to each their own, right? I don’t judge.

  110Not to brag, but I’m constantly breaking shoelaces. And plates. Also shower curtains.

  111Okay, I read this part twice, and I kinda get what’s going on. It looks like an online forum for Hydra hopefuls—like a website where potential villains come to chat and insult one another?

  112Like the nerves you get at the top of a roller coaster before the first drop. Except there’s a big hole in the track below. And you ate expired sardines for lunch.

  113TBH, I don’t mind pickled yams, but I remember one holiday my cousin Drake ranting for like an hour about how gross Aunt Phyllis’s pickled yams were, so yam disgust must be a thing people have.

  114No, Doreen! This is Future Doreen warning you not to do it! The internet can be a black hole of meany-pantsery! Run away!

  115Stop! Past Doreen, you’ve got to stop now! This is going to get monumentally more depressing than lunch meats in any form!

  116Um, are you asking me? Then the answer is NOT A VILLAIN.

  117Yes, stop! That’s what I’m trying to tell you.

  118Argh!

  119Looking back, maybe this was a cry for help from the radio. After all, it spends all day by itself in my room.

  120Though I can’t ever mosh for fear of hurting someone. Ooh, maybe the Avengers Mansion has a mosh pit. I bet, like, the number one benefit of being part of the Avengers is having people you can knock around in a mosh pit without worrying you’ll break bones. With Hulk, I could totally cut loose!

  121We figured out later that he was broadcasting from his tiny micro-bots above the
neighborhood all at the same time. Creepy.

  122I’m a scary-fast typist, actually. I have to slow it down in Computers class so I don’t freak the teacher out. Or, you know, break another keyboard.

  123I made that up on the spot. It’s a pretty good one; I think I’ll add it to my list of taunts to use on evil dudes.

  124Who builds something like that? Seriously?

  125I’m sure real Super Heroes call their moms sometimes, too. Like Captain America would take his mom along with him, if she hadn’t died in 1962 or whatever. She’d put on a star-spangled helmet, hop in the sidecar of his motorcycle, and shoot S.H.I.E.L.D. lasers at bad guys, shouting, “Leave my boy alone!” I bet you my last acorn that Cap’s mom was totally awesome.

  126Two things that don’t mix, just like evil and justice, like villainy and Squirrel Girl, like nuts and raisins. Or nuts and nougat. Just leave the ding-dang nuts alone, okay?

  127Allegedly wet his iron pants. I don’t want Iron Man to sue me or anything.

  128OMGosh! The Micro-Manager is srsly the jerkiest jerk of Jerk World!

  129She’s so smart. Also I’d told her that’s what had happened.

  130Another reason I love Ana Sofía: we are both interested in interesting things. Boring things, we agree, are just so boring!

  131Ana Sofía rates group texts on her evil-things list somewhere near foot fungus, marinara sauce, and public flogging, so this was a big deal.

  132Who exactly are “they” in this sentence? I certainly never say that.

  133Legit scary name. And probably also someone’s World of Battlecraft character.

  134The Somebodies, the LARPers, and the Skunk Club! All working together! Seriously this story should be a Very Special Holiday Television Event or something. I know I have chills.

  135I still prefer “the endgame” to “phase three,” but whatevs.

  136Fuzzball Special was my favorite.

  137Not verbally, though. He never actually said “I give up.” That would’ve been super helpful. FYI, it’s tough to know in villain fights when it’s officially over. Sometimes I’m still fighting for a bit before I realize they’re not really trying anymore and it’s soooo embarrassing.