Complete Works of L. Frank Baum
Page 878
suppose —
Sure! that’s why our Teddy hunts
bare.”
SONG OF A SAILOR
The yachtsman is a sailor, for he wears a sailor hat
And greets a cat-o’-nine-tails with a very nervous “scat!”
Whene’er in need of exercise he’ll box the compass o’er
And when he’s half-seas-over you will find
Perchance he meets a Summer Girl and yells out “Ship ahoy!”
Enquiring if she wouldn’t like to anchor to a buoy.
But if she thinks him naughtycal and scoots before the breeze
The yachtsman reefs his reefer while he — tacks with tactful ease.
Hickory, dickory, dock;
The mouse ran up the clock
Of the maiden’s stocking —
‘Twas really shocking!
They heard her half a block.
FARM HINTS
If you plant just one banana-peel
In August, you will raise
A quart, at least, of slippery-elm,
And that’s a crop that pays.
Now thresh the frosty pumpkin
And the sweet-potato mow;
And if you find you’re in a boat
Be sure to hoe your row.
SEPTEMBER
THE oyster now deserts his shell
To feed the folk that love him well;
The theatres throw wide their doors
To greet us with these well-known bores
A tune we’ve heard somewhere before,
A girl in tights and little more
A sad comedian, a plot
That’s only rot as like as not;
The same old show, the same old beat,
The same old price to get a seat.
Little Miss Gobble
She made her jaws wobble
By eating an ice-cream cone;
Her fond mother caught her
And robbed her dear daughter
And finished the cone all alone.
Mary had a little lamb,
She fleeced him on the go;
And yet he didn’t care a slam —
For papa paid, you know.
Faint heart ne’er won fair lady, but it’s
often saddled with a homely one.
Once a fly with graceful flutter
Stopped to rest upon some butter —
It was soft,
As ‘tis oft.
There he floundered, struggled madly,
Wanted to escape so badly,
But was stuck —
Horrid luck!
Cook reached over, threw the butter
In the frying-pan to splutter —
Fly was fried
Till he died.
Underneath the steak he rested
And by some one was digested —
How unkind!
Never mind.
When papa snores the baby’s eyes
Are opened wide in grieved surprise.
A moment later baby’s roars
Are keeping time to papa’s snores.
Simple Simon met a pieman
Going to the fair;
He ate a slice, had not the price,
But said, with modest air:
“This simple life, as Wagner says,
Is the only kind of graft that pays.”
A theatrical manager is known by the
company he keeps.
A grateful draught he daily quaffed,
A draughtsman fair was he;
And then he stood within a draught
A game of draughts to see.
He made a draught upon the bank
To buy draught-horses fast;
But as a final draughty prank
Death draughted him at last.
Americans love to blow their own horns.
Sometimes one of our rich girls will
blow herself for her own cor’net.
OCTOBER
This is the month the fishes bite
Because they have an appetite;
And children, with bent pins and twine
Instead of any hook or line,
A-fishing go in pond and brook
And many little fishes hook.
Then of their sport they tell with pride
And eat the fishes when they’re fried.
There was a man in our town
And he was wondrous wise;
He bought his wife a tailor-gown
With all the hooks and eyes
Upon the front — a clever scheme,
For he don’t have to hook her.
That gown is certainly a dream
And quite a stylish looker.
(Chorus of Lady Readers: “Ugh!”)
Figures won’t lie, but don’t imagine the
chorus girl has to stand up when she gets home.
“Baa, baa, hand-me-down,
Have you any wool?”
“Every fifteen-dollar suit,
When it’s on, is full.”
“Baa, baa, hand-me-down,
Aren’t you telling lies?”
“No, for all my wool I pull
Over the customer’s eyes.”
Give the devil his due, but don’t imagine
you owe him your entire salary.
THINK IT OVER
When a girl admits she loves you and declares she will be true,
Think it over.
If you’re living up your income, how can you provide for two”?
Think it over.
It’s nice to have a pretty wife to cook and pour your tea;
It’s nice to have some little ones to clamber on your knee;
But such luxuries are costly, all the married men agree —
Think it over.
Care will kill a cat — but the cat won’t care.
Did you ever see a man defeat a trust
Just because the trusty trust was so unjust?
Did you ever?
No, you never!
For the man that fights a trust is sure to bust.
OCT 31st
Future husbands may be seen
On the night of Hallowe’en;
Also front gates may be found
In the back yard on the ground.
When the door-bell rings don’t worry
For the boys are in a hurry.
Ghosts are seen both fat and lean
On this frisky “hallowed” e’en.
NOVEMBER
This is the month the football game
Puts wars and rioting to shame,
And moral mortals sink so low
They bet which way the game will go!
Our gentle maidens all adore
The champion who sheds most gore,
And laugh with innocent delight
To see the long-haired fellows fight.
And if a shudder you behold
It’s ‘cause the weather’s beastly cold;
To freeze and shiver every one
With joy submits, to see “the fun.”
The North wind doth blow
And we shall have snow
And what will the robber do then,
poor thing?
He’ll “hold up” a few,
And the whole police, too,
And relieve you of your diamond
ring — poor thing!
There was a crooked man
Who was crooked all the while.
He beat his crooked neighbors
In an easy, crooked style.
He delved in crooked politics
And cast a crooked vote,
And now the crooks respect him
As a man of crooked note.
The lady gave a wail
For a man walked up her trail;
Said he: “Great Scott!
As like as not
There’s no moral to this tale!”
The perfume on a lady’s gown
Suggests the darling meant
She’d surely give a-scent.
Many a true word is spoken in disgust.
“Pease porridge hot,
Pease porridge cold;
Here’s wifey’s letter I forgot--
It’s three days old!”
There was a little man, and he had a little gun,
And its bullets were mischievous sneers, sneers, sneers —
He thought it good luck when he hit a little duck
And brought to her pretty eyes tears, tears, tears.
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of snake-bite.
“Race suicide,” said Mr. Jinks,
“I’m guilty of, I know;
For I bet my money on a nag
That never had a show.
‘Twas sure a matter of disgrace
To squander money so:
You’d hardly call the thing a race —
‘Twas suicidal, though!”
The man who gets a chauffeur seldom gets
a show for his money.
Rolling billiard-balls gather no salary.
DECEMBER
HERE is the last month of the year —
The month of Christmas joy and cheer;
And papa dons disguise because
The kids expect old Santa Claus.
With fur-trimmed robe and whiskers white
This hand-made Santa is a sight,
And every tiny lass and lad
Knows very well it’s “only Dad!”
Old King Coal
Was a merry old soul,
For the kind janitor never used him;
All worry he spurned
For he couldn’t be burned
And the swear words of tenants amused him.
I had a little poodle-dog
Who always said “bow-wow!”
He couldn’t say another thing,
But said that, anyhow.
He always wagged his little tail
Whenever he was glad,
And wagged it in the same old way
Whenever he was sad.
HARD TO SUIT
Once a maiden loved a fireman,
But to wed she didn’t dare,
For of such a hose-supporter
Any maiden might beware.
Then she turned to a policeman
Who was awful big and sweet,
But her love was soon arrested
When she found him on the beat.
So a lawyer caught her fancy,
But it gave her heart a jar
When she found the gay deceiver
Was all day before the bar.
Next a baker sent her kisses
And he kneaded her, we know,
For he straightway bought a license
After he had raised the dough.
Bye, baby bunting,
Father’s gone a-hunting.
Mother knows the kind of game —
Rather wild, but always tame.
Little man blue, come blow your pile,
You’ve purchased on margin, now tremble awhile.
But where is the broker that fleeces the sheep?
He’s at the Grand Opera, fast asleep!
Haste, man, and sell without delay,
Or you may be broker another day.
Ignorance of the law excuses no one — except the judges.
RECKLESS NOAH
When Noah built the ark,
Of good old Hick’ry bark,
He saved the whale, the high-priced quail,
The June-bug and the shark.
He saved the soft gazelle,
The gentle college-yell,
The museum freak from Mozambique
And Continuous Vaudeville.
He saved the slot-machine,
The noodle-soup tureen,
The sardine box and the blondine locks
Of the maid of sweet sixteen.
The jokes of dear Mark Twain,
The woman’s-rights campaign —
He saved ‘em all, both great and small,
And they can’t get lost again!
The Poems
LIST OF POEMS IN CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER
SEMI-SENTIMENTAL VERSE BY THE CANDELABRA’S GLARE
T’ OTHER DAY
RIGHT AT LAST
TIME’S VAGARIES
HER ANSWER
MY QUANDARY
MY FIRST LOVE
THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER
JESSIE, MY QUEEN!
A SONNET TO MY LADY’S EYE
TELL ME
AT LAST
THE ANSWER
CYCLING VERSE: A HEADER
A RUSE
THE PROUD MISS MACNEAL
FARMER BENSON ON THE MOTOCYCLE
THEN AND NOW
UNASSORTED VERSE
JOHNSON
LA REINE EST MORT1--
VIVE LA REINE!
YE WARMING PAN
THE EGOTIST
THE YOUNGSTER
NANCE ADKINS
A BIRD DOG
WHEN THE WHISTLE BLOWS
THE HERETIC
A RARE BIT
THE FISHER MAN
WHEN MC GUFFY
TWO WOMEN
HOMO SUM
THAT NEW LEAF
CHILDREN’S VERSE
DAN’L
THE TRAMP
THE BIG BLACK BEAR
A ROMANCE OF A BROKEN WINDOW
MY LITTLE MAID
WHERE DO THEY GO?
THE GREEDY GOLD-FISH
WHO’S AFRAID?
YOUNG AMERICA
FATHER GOOSE
WHY?
DID YOU EVER SEE A RABBIT?
TO WALK JIM JONES
CLOCKWORK MAN
TICK TOCK
THIS BOLD BOY
THERE WAS A GOOSE
MISTER JINKS
LITTLE BARELEGS RUNS
WHO’S AFRAID?
THE CATS THEY SIT
A SAILOR FROM CHINA
IF JOHNNY HAD NO EYE
SALLY DANCE
OLD MISTER MICKLEJOHN
BABY FOUND A FEATHER
JACK LANTERN
A BUMBLE BEE
GRANDPA’S HEAD
UNCLE DICK GAVE ME A DOLLY
CAPTAIN BING
I HAD A DOG
LITTLE TOMMY TODDLEKIN
ORGAN GRINDER
MASTER BUNNY
MR. GREEN
ELEPHANT
KITTY KLYMER
LEE-HI-LUNG-WHAN
LITTLE NIGGER BOY
JOHN HARRISON HOY
POLLY WANTS A CRACKER
BABY PULLED THE PUSSY’S TAIL
PATSY BEDAD
CATERPILLAR
DING A LING
QUITE A TRICK
COME INTO OUR STORE
THE BANDIT
MISS NANCY PUTS ON AIRS
THE BOSSIE-COW
STANDING ON THE SIDEWALK
A MAN LAST TUESDAY
GOODNESS ME!
CIVILIZED BOY
BABIES’ SERENADE
DOLLY’S RUN AWAY
ANNIE WATERS
A BEE FLEW DOWN
THERE WAS A WHALE
A LITTLE MAN
BUY A GOOSE
MISS NANCY BROWN
COOTCHIE COOLOO
HERE IS PADDY GEEGAN
TIM JENKINS TRIED
ROUGH RIDERS
THE COOGIE BIRD
THE SHIP WILL GO
DONNEGAN
CHICKENS AT NIGHT
CATS BABIES HAVE
SUN BEAR DANCES
THE SOLDIER
BETSY BAKER
ONE OLD CAT!
BOY FROM KALAMAZOO
BOY, A TINY MITE
GEORGE WASHINGTON
SAMMY SIMPSON
SEYMOUR CREDIT
THE ARMY ALPHABET
THE NAVY ALPHABET
JANUARY
FEBRUARY
MARCH
<
br /> APRIL
MAY
A SPRING TRAGEDY
JUNE
A TERRIBLE TALE
JULY
THE OLD, OLD STORY
AUGUST
SONG OF A SAILOR
FARM HINTS
SEPTEMBER
OCTOBER
THINK IT OVER
OCT 31ST
NOVEMBER
DECEMBER
HARD TO SUIT
RECKLESS NOAH
LIST OF POEMS IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER
A BEE FLEW DOWN
A BIRD DOG
A BUMBLE BEE
A LITTLE MAN
A MAN LAST TUESDAY
A RARE BIT
A ROMANCE OF A BROKEN WINDOW
A RUSE
A SAILOR FROM CHINA
A SONNET TO MY LADY’S EYE
A SPRING TRAGEDY
A TERRIBLE TALE
ANNIE WATERS
APRIL
AT LAST
AUGUST
BABIES’ SERENADE
BABY FOUND A FEATHER
BABY PULLED THE PUSSY’S TAIL
BETSY BAKER
BOY FROM KALAMAZOO
BOY, A TINY MITE
BUY A GOOSE
CAPTAIN BING
CATERPILLAR
CATS BABIES HAVE
CHICKENS AT NIGHT
CHILDREN’S VERSE
CIVILIZED BOY
CLOCKWORK MAN
COME INTO OUR STORE
COOTCHIE COOLOO
CYCLING VERSE: A HEADER
DAN’L
DECEMBER
DID YOU EVER SEE A RABBIT?
DING A LING
DOLLY’S RUN AWAY
DONNEGAN
ELEPHANT
FARM HINTS
FARMER BENSON ON THE MOTOCYCLE
FATHER GOOSE
FEBRUARY
GEORGE WASHINGTON
GOODNESS ME!
GRANDPA’S HEAD
HARD TO SUIT
HER ANSWER
HERE IS PADDY GEEGAN
HOMO SUM
I HAD A DOG
IF JOHNNY HAD NO EYE
JACK LANTERN
JANUARY
JESSIE, MY QUEEN!
JOHN HARRISON HOY
JOHNSON
JULY
JUNE
KITTY KLYMER
LA REINE EST MORT1--
LEE-HI-LUNG-WHAN
LITTLE BARELEGS RUNS
LITTLE NIGGER BOY
LITTLE TOMMY TODDLEKIN
MARCH
MASTER BUNNY
MAY
MISS NANCY BROWN
MISS NANCY PUTS ON AIRS
MISTER JINKS
MR. GREEN
MY FIRST LOVE
MY LITTLE MAID
MY QUANDARY
NANCE ADKINS
NOVEMBER
OCT 31ST
OCTOBER
OLD MISTER MICKLEJOHN
ONE OLD CAT!
ORGAN GRINDER
PATSY BEDAD
POLLY WANTS A CRACKER
QUITE A TRICK
RECKLESS NOAH
RIGHT AT LAST