Wizard of Oz, it will be hard luck for me.
I’ll have to grind out a new royal anthem.
(Cheers off stage R.)
1st Girl
Pastoria approaches.
(Crowd retire up stage. Enter TIMOTHY,
followed by RISKITT, L.3.E.)
Riskitt
Halt! His Majesty would address the
army.
(Pastoria enters in motorman’s coat and
hat. He carries in one hand a large
sceptre and a shawl strap. In the other a
gilded hat box with crown inside.)
Pastoria
(C.)
My faithful soldiers. As I gaze upon your
faces it gives me great pleasure to know
that you all may die for me.
(Timothy cheers.)
Men with faces like yours ought to die
for somebody. - and I’m as good an
excuse as you’ll ever get.
(Timothy cheers.)
When you face the enemy, chanting your
battle hymn, -- where’s that battle hymn?
Dash.
All ready, sire.
(Hands him paper.)
Pastoria
This ought to make heroes of you all.
(Chanting.)
“When we were children we cried for
Pastoria, -
When we were young we sighed for
Pastoria, -
When we grew up we died for Pastoria. -
Oria, oria, peerless Pastoria.”
(Aside)
When we were children we cried for
Pastoria! Now, wouldn’t that wilt the
feathers on Maud’s new boa!
(To Soldiers.)
You shall restore me to my rights. As for
the cheap swindler who has stolen my
throne - The Wizard of Oz, --
Riskitt
Where will you find a greater scoundrel,
a more contemptible being, than that
Wizard of Oz?
Pastoria
Hear! Hear!
(A pause.)
No, - no! I mean, where?
(Crowd snickers, quietly.)
As for your pay, have no fear. As we
approach the capitol I will dispose of
reserved seats for my coronation at
speculator’s rates.
Riskitt
S-sh --! A customer approaches.
(Pastoria and Riskitt quickly produce box
office diagrams and bunches of tickets
from their pockets as SOPHRONIA and
PETER enter R.1.E. they rush upon them
in the manner of ticket speculators.)
Riskitt
Tickets for Pastoria’s coronation?
(Use sign, “Tickets bought from
speculators,etc”.)
Pastoria
Two on the center aisle, four rows from
the front.
Simon
He’s a speculator.
All
Down with him.
(All rush at Pastoria.)
(Enter CYNTHIA, R.3. Come down
through crowd, C.)
Cynthia
Wait. He may be my long-lost Niccolo.
Pastoria
I’m nobody but the King. For years I
ruled the Land of Oz and was the best
dressed little king that ever tied a four in
hand. The people loved me then, and
called me their Tony Pastoria.
Cynthia
I pray thee, play upon this piccolo.
(Offering piccolo to Pastoria.)
The wicked witch may have changed my
sweetheart into you; How perfectly
awful!
(Shudders.)
Pastoria
I’m not your sweetheart.
Cynthia
Then prove it by playing “The Carnival
of Venice” with variations.
(Offers piccolo)
There was a bum note in the crescendo
that Niccolo could never avoid.
(Retires up stage.)
Pastoria
The idea! Open that box.
(Points to hat box. Riskitt opens it.)
What’s the name in the crown of that
crown?
Riskitt
(Looking in crown.)
Pastoria II.
(Hands it to Pastoria)
Pastoria
It was on my head when that confounded
balloon carried me away. It fitted me
then, and it fits me now.
(Puts it on his head triumphantly.
Movement of surprise in crowd.)
Cynthia
What’s the meaning of that queer
costume?
Pastoria
When the cyclone picked me up I was
working as a motorman in Kansas.
Cynthia
What’s a motorman?
Pastoria
Well, a motorman is a fellow that takes
life easy. He’s a regular lady killer, and a
sort of business agent for the
Undertakers’ Union. When I reached the
earth I had to do something for a living.
Cynthia
Your Majesty had to work? Terrible!
Pastoria
Yes. Your Majesty had to eat. I grew so
desperate I decided to stop at nothing, so
I became a motorman. It’s a merry life,
and all day long the jingling of the bells.
A fellow- motorman tried to get me to go
with him to Michigan and motor there.
Cynthia
Why?
Pastoria
He said the girls were more sociable. He
used to sing a beautiful song about one of
them.
Cynthia
Was it soulful?
Pastoria
Well, you can judge for yourself.
-- “
IN MICHIGAN” --
Pastoria and Chorus.
I’m fond of the girls from Tennessee,
For they are extremely coy,
But there’s another girl for me, she’s the
girl from Illinois.
With the damsel fair from gay Delaware
I’d giddily coquette.
But the girl for me beyond compare, in
old Michigan is met.
Cho.
In Michigan, In Michigan, I would that I
were rich again.
A ticket I’d buy, and away I’d fly
To the far-off fields of Michigan.
In Michigan, In Michigan, my tent I’d
like to pitch again.
I’ve a sweetheart true in Kalamazoo
And that’s what I’ve got in Michigan.
II.
The Georgia girl is a perfect peach,
The Maine girl takes the bun
Of the Oregon girl I love to preach
For she second stands to none.
Oh the Texas girl is a downright pearl,
And a dainty dream besides,
But the girl that can give them all a twirl,
In old Michigan resides.
Cho.
I’ve a sweetheart true in Kalamazoo,
I’ve a mother-in-law in Saginaw, etc.
(and exit Chorus R. and L.)
Cynthia
You are not like my Niccolo, and yet
seem to be he. If I could see you make
love to someone else -- my Niccolo
would never do that in my presence.
Tryxie
(Outside L.2)
Pasty! Pasty! Where are you, darling?
Pastoria
You’ll have a chance, for here comes my
fiancee.
Cynthia
A woman!
Pastoria
Yes. She was a waitress in the railroad
station at Topeka. Her name is Tryxie.
Cynthia
Tryxie?
Pastoria
Yes. We were blown out of Kansas at the
same time. When the cyclone struck town
I was standing on the front platform of
my car and had just yelled, “Hold fast for
a sharp curve”. As we sailed over the
roofs a beautiful girl suddenly shot out of
a neighboring cloud and hit my
dashboard. She was carrying a plate of
beans. She said she was going my way
and before the cyclone dropped us
through yonder chestnut trees we were
engaged.
Tryxie
(Entering, L.2. and going to Pastoria)
Darling, I hope you won’t think me gross,
but I wish you would take me by the hand
and lead me to a large porterhouse steak.
Pastoria
Girl, the stake that I am fighting for is not
a porterhouse. I may be slain. Then what
would lovey do if dovey died?
Tryxie
Why lovey would die too.
Pastoria
(With arm about her.)
Do you remember, I met you as a
motorman.
Tryxie
I was struck by you at our first meeting.
Pastoria
You were carrying a book.
Tryxie
Roosevelt’s Memoirs.
Pastoria
I ran over them without asking you.
Tryxie
Because you got the bell to go ahead.
Pastoria
Then I went ahead to get the belle.
Tryxie
You couldn’t have offered me a palace
then.
Pastoria
No. About all you could expect from a
street car man is “a little room up front.”
Tryxie
What were your prospects then?
Pastoria
Same as the conductors’ - only fare.
Tryxie
And yet you loved me then.
Pastoria
I yearned for you.
Tryxie
And you love me now?
Pastoria
With all the heart a motorman is allowed
to have.
Tryxie
Pasty, you are just too awful!
Pastoria
To resume -- how much does oo love
oosey?
Tryxie
OO’s OOsey?
Pastoria
OOS.
Cynthia
Enough. I am convinced. My Niccolo
could never hand out such a tart line of
wedding march conversation.
Tryxie
Is this a lady detective?
Pastoria
No. This is a lady lunatic.
Cynthia
Yes; mad through with blighted love.
Now will I to the vegetable garden where
I last saw him.
(Taking objects from basket on arm.)
Here are young spring onions - they’re for
insomnia; here’s celery for remembrance,
- and here are March strawberries - for --
a dollar a box!
“Oh, he never more will come,
And I wonder where he’s went.
Hey nonney, hey nonney hey!”
(Exit a la Ophelia, L.I.)
Tryxie
Poor thing -how she loved him! Niccolo
must have been very handsome.
Pastoria
Yes. I reminded her strongly of him.
Tryxie
But, she is a lunatic. That explains a lot
of things.
Pastoria
Tryxie, you see what it is to lose a fond
lover. Now suppose, suppose you were to
lose me?
Tryxie
Pastoria, you know I never was lucky.
Pastoria
I know. But, what would you do?
Tryxie
Why, someone else, I suppose.
Pastoria
But tell me, what do you think of the
country you’re to reign over as my
queen?
Tryxie
Oh, well enough as far as I’ve gone. But
it was a bad time to leave Kansas.
Pastoria
Why?
Tryxie
Barnum’s circus was billed for our town
for the 13th, and next to a Boston cream
puff I love a circus.
-- “
WHEN THE CIRCUS COMES TO
TOWN” --
Tryxie and Pastoria
and exit, L.I.E.)
(Enter DOROTHY and IMOGEN (the
cow) R.2.)
Dorothy
Well, where am I at?
(Xing L. and looking around.)
Surely, this isn’t Kansas?
(To Cow)
Imogen, we are lost, and we’ll never see
home again. How poor Father will miss
us.
(Cow nods)
You were the only thing to prove he ran a
dairy. Now he won’t be able to mix up
any more milk until I get back with the
key to the plaster of Paris barrel. I wish
we could run into another cyclone going
the way we came from.
(Cow weeps)
What are you crying for?
(Crying, herself.)
Be brave, like me. Will somebody tell me
the way back to Kansas.
(Xing R. looking at house.)
My! but our house is bent. Well, if the
cyclone hasn’t blown Carrie Barry’s front
door right on our porch. There’s her name
on the doorplate. Hello! what’s this?
(Takes folded paper from door. Reads it.)
“To the Princess within.” Here’s a joke,
Imogen.
(Cow looks over her shouler.)
Why it’s a love song from a perfect
stranger.
(Resumes reading.)
(Enter WITCH of the North, and SIR
DASHEMOFF DAILY, L.2.)
Dashemoff
(Pointing to Dorothy.)
There she is, your Highness.
Witch
Whence comes this maiden?
Dash.
I know not. I only know I love her.
Dorothy
(Slapping Cow’s nose.)
Go away, Imogen! Where are your
manners! Keep your nose out of my
correspondence hereafter.
Witch
Her name?
(Chorus begins to enter, R. and L.)
Dash.
Caroline Barry. That’s the name on the
doorplate of the cottage she arrived in.
Dorothy
(Still reading)
How sweet.
Dash.
Do you refer to my poor poem?
Dorothy
(Surprised)
Did you send me this, sir?
Dash.
I did. And may her Highness present me?
Dorothy
If her Highness pleases.
Witch
(Xing to Dorothy)
Little girl, this is Sir Dashemoff Daily,
our Poet Laureate, And I am Locusta, the
Witch of the North.
Dorothy
(Recoiling)
A witch?
Witch
Ah, don’t be afraid - I’m not one of the
black cat and broomstick kind.
Dorothy
Then tell me - am I far from Kansas?
Witch
Kansas? Where
is Kansas?
Dorothy
Imogen, do you hear that? She’ll ask us
next where Topeka is.
Witch
Listen, ye Munchkins; this pretty stranger
is under my special protection.
Dash.
(To Dorothy)
You are a lucky girl.
Witch
In proof of that I will bestow this magic
ring upon her.
(Putting ring on Dorothy’s finger, who
has Xed to her.)
Whoever wears this ring may have two
wishes gratified.
Dorothy
Then I wish Imogen and me back to
Kansas?
(Pause)
What’s the matter? Why don’t we arrive?
Witch
I’m sorry, but my wishes have no power
beyond the land in which they are
granted. They can only aid you here.
Dorothy
But I want to go home. Tell me, what am
I to do?
Witch
You must go to the wonderful Wizard of
Oz. He alone has the power to transport
you across the burning desert. As a
member of the Witches’ Union I have
business elsewhere. When danger
threatens, remember your ring.
(Exits L.1.)
Dash.
Now Mistress Barry ----
Dorothy
I’m not Mistress Barry. I’m Dorothy Gale.
Dash.
But, the name on the door?
Dorothy
Oh, that door belongs to the cottage of an
old maid who lived just below our farm.
Dash.
But I’ve made my song to Mistress Barry,
and if you are not she --
(Turns away, disconsolate.)
Dorothy
Oh, the song’s not wasted. I like it very
much. I wish I knew it. How odd -- I DO
know it. Why, it’s a miracle.
Dash.
No, it’s the ring. Your first wish has been
granted.
Dorothy
We’ll see.
-- “
CARRIE BARRY” --
(Dorothy and Chorus, with Dashemoff.
During song the Scarecrow is carried on
by two farmers and set up at stile. At end
of song Chorus exits R. and L.)
I dare not call her Caroline, I think of her
as Carrie,
Her eyes like stars at twilight shine,
And they have won this heart of mine.
With glances none could parry.
And when she smiles a smile divine,
With cruelty I task her, The dainty maid
knows I’m afraid
To bravely up and ask her.
Chorus
Airy, fairy, Carrie Barry, will you marry
me
I’m as much in love with you as a many
can be.
Night and day for you alway, I pine, and
pine, and pine,
Airy, fairy, Carrie Barry, say you will be
mine.
II.
Though yet untold this love of mine,
This love will never vary. I’m longing for
some little sign
One spoken word, one written line.
That I may hope and tarry.
For truth it is that I opine, she looks upon
Complete Works of L. Frank Baum Page 881
