Complete Works of L. Frank Baum

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Complete Works of L. Frank Baum Page 882

by L. Frank Baum


  me coldly.

  That’s why I fear when she is near

  To turn and tell her boldly:

  Chorus:

  Dorothy

  Is that what you think of Carrie Barry?

  Dash.

  That’s what I think of Dorothy Gale.

  Dorothy

  I don’t believe it.

  Dash.

  I’ll tell you why you must.

  (Takes her hand as sound of hoofs is

  heard, off stage, rapidly approaching.)

  Dorothy

  It’s a runaway.

  Dash.

  No, it’s General Riskitt.

  (Bus. of Riskitt entering L.3. in manner of

  a flying messenger.)

  Riskitt

  Report to his Majesty at once.

  Dash.

  For what service?

  Riskitt

  His Majesty is writing a temperance

  poem and he’s stuck for a rhyme to

  Saraparilla.

  (Exits L.2.E.)

  Dash.

  (To Dorothy)

  That’s what I get for hiring out as a Poet

  Laureate. Excuse me till I find the rhyme.

  (Exits L.2.)

  Dorothy

  Alone again. Well this is cheerful.

  Nothing in sight to talk to but this

  Scarecrow.

  (Xes L.)

  Well, as queer as he looks, I feel so

  lonely I wish he were alive.

  (COW enters and begins biting at

  Scarecrow’s legs.)

  Scarecrow

  Help! Help!

  (Dorothy screams.)

  Good morning.

  (Dorothy Xes up R.)

  Is this your cow?

  Dorothy

  Yes-es.

  Scarecrow

  Well, if you don’t want me to lose a leg,

  call him off.

  (Dorothy motions to Cow and Cow exits

  R.3.)

  Thanks, awfully, for bringing me to life.

  Isn’t this lovely weather for July?

  Dorothy

  The ring! Another wish wasted.

  Scarecrow

  Would you mind taking this golf ball out

  of my ear?

  (Dorothy goes to Scarecrow and looks for

  golf ball.)

  My ear is on the other side.

  (Dorothy removes golf ball and throws it

  down on stage.)

  That makes me one down.

  Dorothy

  You seem well posted.

  Scarecrow

  If I wasn’t well posted I couldn’t stand up.

  Dorothy

  I mean, you know what’s in fashion.

  Scarecrow

  For a long time I’ve been just behind the

  stile.

  (Points to stile.)

  Dorothy

  Don’t you think you’re smart!

  Scarecrow

  I don’t think at all. I haven’t any brains.

  Dorothy

  No brains?

  Scarecrow

  (Tapping head)

  There is nothing there but a handful of

  excelsior covered with a dishrag. When

  the farmer was filling me with straw

  yesterday he said, “I guess I’ll shake

  him”. When I saw the size of his hand I

  knew it was on me. Then he jabbed this

  pole into my back and said, “You’re

  stuck”. That put me up in the air, where

  I’ve been for the last twenty-four hours.

  Dorothy

  But you’re alive now, and how are you

  going to earn your living without brains?

  Scarecrow

  I won’t be lonely. Will you help me

  down?

  Dorothy

  Certainly.

  Scarecrow

  I’m getting a bad pain in my polar

  regions, from lack of exercise.

  Dorothy

  (Helps him down from post. Bus.)

  Can’t you walk?

  Scarecrow

  No. But I’ll take steps to learn.

  (Walks awkwardly.)

  Dorothy

  Oh, - but you’re a loose character. What’s

  you name?

  Scarecrow

  Haven’t any.

  Dorothy

  No name? But, you’ve a family of some

  sort, haven’t you?

  (COW enters.)

  Scarecrow

  Judging from what I’m stuffed with I am

  related to Secretary Hay.

  (Bus. with Cow.)

  How about yourself? Who are you? -

  where did you drop from? Where are you

  going, and why do you go there? Tell me

  all about it, while I see which way the

  wind blows.

  (Bus. with straws.)

  Dorothy

  My name is Dorothy, and I am one of the

  Kansas Gales.

  Scarecrow

  That accounts for your breezy manner.

  Dorothy

  When I am at home I live in Kansas. Just

  now I am lost, and I am going to the

  Emerald City to ask the wonderful

  Wizard of Oz to help me.

  Scarecrow

  What, to get back to Kansas? Dottie, why

  trifle with your luck?

  Dorothy

  Behave. You are old enough to know

  better.

  Scarecrow

  No, I’m not! I was just born, and it will be

  three hundred and sixty-four days before

  I have a birthday.

  (Cows begins to nibble at Scarecrow’s

  legs.)

  Dorothy

  How long do you think you’ll live?

  Scarecrow

  If I can escape that cow of yours, until

  I’m used to stuff a summer boarder’s

  mattress. Do you think the Wizard would

  have a set of brains knocking around his

  place that would fit me?

  Dorothy

  He might.

  Scarecrow

  If I thought he could fix me up I’d go with

  you.

  Dorothy

  Come along. Even if he is out of your

  size you’ll be no worse off than you are

  now.

  (Both start to go L.)

  Scarecrow

  We’re a nice looking couple. Suppose

  we’re arrested for vagrancy?

  Dorothy

  You could give straw bail. Do you know,

  I can hardly believe that you have no

  brains? How careless the farmer was to

  leave them out.

  Scarecrow

  Wasn’t he? I wouldn’t treat a dog that

  way.

  -

  SCARECROW’S SONG -

  Though I appear a handsome man,

  I’m only stuffed with straw.

  ‘Tis difficult a man to plan without a

  single flaw.

  Though you may think my lovely head

  A store of law contains

  The farmer lack of skill displayed and

  quite forgot my brains.

  When brains are lacking in a head, it’s

  usually the rule,

  That wisdom from the man has fled and

  he remains a fool.

  So, though my charms are very great, as I

  am well assured

  I’ll never reach my full estate, ‘till brains I

  have secured.

  CHORUS:

  A-las for the man who has little in his

  noodle that he knows

  He’s under a man, and is called a rattle

  pate, wherever he goes.

  He always does the very thing he never

  ought to do

  He st
umbles and he fumbles and is

  aimless.

  A lobster, is he, as anyone with half an

  eye can see.

  You can beat him sneer or jeer

  for his wheels are out of gear

  And it’s plain he’ll remain quite brainless.

  (Exeunt.)

  CHANGE TO

  SCENE III:- The road through the

  forest.

  DASHEMOFF enters R.I. SIR WILEY

  GYLE enters L.I. They enter backwards,

  and collide near C.

  Dash

  Are you one of us?

  Gyle

  No. Are you?

  Dash.

  Would you like to join a revolution?

  Gyle

  That’s my specialty. I’m Sir Wiley Gyle,

  at your services. Revolutions to order.

  Kings dethroned while you wait.

  Dash.

  Then join our plot to put Pastoria II on

  the throne again.

  Gyle

  (Xing R.)

  What! has that fried oyster returned?

  Dash.

  (Indicating proclamation.)

  There’s the Wizard’s proclamation against

  him.

  Gyle

  (Glancing at proclamation.)

  Help Pastoria? Not I. I’m next in line for

  that throne, my boy.

  Dash.

  But how are you going to overthrow the

  wizard?

  Gyle

  Ever since his balloon landed here the

  people have been in dread of his magic,

  and of him. He’s made ‘em think he has

  unearthly powers. But, I’ll show ‘em!

  (Xing L.)

  Dash.

  Going to expose him?

  Gyle

  Expose him, or blow him up.

  Dash.

  Blow him up - what with?

  Gyle

  (Showing a small bomb.)

  One of the bargain-sale bombs. - If I can

  ever get one to work.

  Dash.

  Anything the matter with that one?

  Gyle

  I’ll bet it’s no good. They had a bargain

  sale of infernal machines and bombs at

  one of our big stores last month; they’d

  bought out the stock of an anarchist

  factory. I got a hundred bombs for five

  ninety-eight, -- and not one of the darned

  things has worked yet.

  Dash.

  Won’t they take ‘em back?

  Gyle

  No. They won’t exchange bargains.

  (Xing R.)

  I’m sure this one is no good, too.

  (Suddenly throws bomb on stage L. It

  bounces off stage L.)

  Dash.

  (Frightened)

  Don’t take a chance like that!

  Gyle

  Every time I throw one of those bombs at

  the wizard I get arrested for playing

  baseball in the streets.

  Cynthia

  (Enters, R.I. Xes to Gyle C.)

  I beg your pardon. Could you direct me

  to a small piece of toast?

  Gyle

  Toast?

  Cynthia

  Yes, toast. I am a sweet girl maniac, and

  to-day it is my fancy that I am a poached

  egg. If I could only find a piece of toast

  I’d rest myself on it.

  Dash.

  (Aside to Gyle.)

  I’ve heard a young man named Niccolo

  was the cause of this.

  Gyle

  Jilted her?

  Dash.

  No. He was turned into somebody else by

  a witch, and she can’t find him.

  Cynthia

  (Offering piccolo to Gyle.)

  Prithee, play upon this.

  Gyle

  Listen, girl. Would you know your

  Niccolo if you met him?

  Cynthia

  Ah, you’re not he, are you?

  Gyle

  No. But I think I can lead you to him.

  Cynthia

  Quickly, then.

  Gyle

  If Niccolo in his new form fails to

  recognize you, would you still yearn for

  him?

  Cynthia

  Aye! more than ever.

  Gyle

  Listen! your lost lover is here. The witch

  has turned him into a wizard, - the wizard

  of Oz, - and he rules the Emerald City.

  Nobody knows it but me. The wizard

  don’t know it. Go to him when no one is

  about, and grab and gag him. And when

  you have got him far away say to him

  that Sir Wiley put you on.

  (Xing L.)

  Don’t forget -- Sir Wiley.

  (Exits L.2.)

  Cynthia

  Ye Gods! My Nick a wizard! If he should

  fail to recognize me, and turn me into a

  sponge cake - what would be my finish? I

  pray thee, come and plead the cause of

  crime. A lady lunatic.

  (Exits.)

  Dash.

  (Looking after her.)

  Her reason lost because she lost her lover.

  Would I go mad if I should lose my

  Dorothy? Perhaps, because I already love

  her madly. I know that, for I know what

  love is.

  -- “

  THAT IS LOVE “ --

  Dashemoff

  And exit L.I.E.)

  (Enter TIMOTHY, followed by RISKITT

  R.I.)

  Riskitt

  Halt! Your precious monarch will make a

  final speech before the campaign opens.

  Pastoria

  (Enters R.I. to Timothy)

  Before this awful war begins I want you

  to understand one thing. You are the

  soldiers of a free and glorious country; if

  you win victory you will be roasted. If

  you are defeated you will be roasted also.

  Timothy

  We understand.

  Pastoria

  Then you may take my final photograph

  for the illustrated papers.

  (Poses. Riskitt points camera at him. Lion

  is heard roaring off stage L.I. Everybody

  shows alarm.)

  Riskitt

  What is it?

  Pastoria

  It sounds like dinner time in a menagerie.

  (Roaring sounds closer)

  (Riskitt and Timothy rush off R.I.)

  Come back! Come back! you cowards --

  come back!

  (Lions enters. Bus.)

  (Pastoria turns, sees him. Bus.

  frightened. Hides behind camera. Lion

  sees camera. Pauses.)

  Lie down, Bruno. Nice lion, good lion,

  sweet lion, dandelion, lie down.

  (Etc. ad lib. and Bus. Both.)

  (Lion sits up on haunches. Poses.)

  Very well then, sit up, if you prefer.

  (Bus.)

  Do you mean that you want your picture

  taken?

  (Lion nods.)

  Something nice for the family album?

  (Lion nods.)

  Well, you can have an appointment next

  Wednesday afternoon.

  (Starts away. Bus. lion angry.)

  Or, right away, if you prefer it.

  (Lion resumes pose.)

  Now look pleasant, please.

  (Lion shakes head.)

  How am I going to make that beast look

  pleasant? Shall I tell him to watch for the

  little birdie? No, I have it.

  (To Lion.)

  Look for the nice little fat boy.

  (Lion turns head quickly toward

&n
bsp; Pastoria.)

  No, no! Not here. Right out there.

  (Bus. Lion looking into audience.)

  That’s it. Don’t move.

  (Lion slaps at mosquito on jaw.)

  Mosquitos, bothering you? Yes, there are

  more than usual this summer. ‘Round the

  corner, in the next jungle there aren’t any.

  (Bus. Lion displeased.)

  Now ready, again. Steady!

  (Bus.)

  That will be all, thank you. How do you

  like your photos done, - plenty of gloss,

  or domestic finish?

  (Lion nods.)

  All right. We’ll do them both ways. You

  needn’t call for the proof, I’ll send them.

  (Bus. Lion waving paw. Knocks camera

  over, etc, Bus. ad lib and exit Lion R.I.

  Pastoria collapsed, and prostrate R.I.

  Riskitt enters, cautiously R. behind the

  leg of drop. Bus. as they discover and

  startle each other.)

  Riskitt

  Is your Majesty alone?

  Pastoria

  Where is my army?

  Riskitt

  He’s in the top of the tallest tree, and he

  won’t come down.

  Pastoria

  Have they deserted my banner so soon?

  Riskitt

  Yes. Here’s a notice just sent from police

  headquarters in the Emerald City.

  (Hands notice to Pastoria.)

  Pastoria

  (Reading)

  “To our beloved police: Wanted, for

  treason, a small creature with slate pencil

  legs, an eye like a halibut, and a face like

  a cold flaxseed poultice, calling itself

  Pastoria II.” After that description how

  can I escape?

  Riskitt

  We’ll both need disguises.

  Pastoria

  And the sooner we get them the better.

  See to it at once.

  (Exit Riskitt.)

  Tryxie

  (Enter L.I.)

  I am so hungry I could eat a fifty cent

  table d’hote and think it was food.

  Pastoria

  Alas! that I should have chosen for a

  Queen one whose appetite is so stenuous.

  Tryxie

  Pasty, when you invited me to become

  your Queen did you think I lived on air?

  Pastoria

  I saw only your face - your lovely face.

  Tryxie

  Yes; but even the loveliest face has to be

  fed.

  Pastoria

  Another fond delusion shattered. Now I

  know that woman is but a hollow

  mockery. Come, let us on to my

  kingdom.

  (Exit Pastoria and Tryxie, L.I.)

  (Dorothy and Scarecrow enter R.I.)

  Dorothy

  Come along, I’ll help you get a position.

  Now, what field have you been in?

  Scarecrow

  All of them. I began in the pasture lot,

  and was moved up to the potato patch.

  Dorothy

  Do you know beans?

  Scarecrow

  I should say I do. A bean vine grew up

  my right leg once.

  (Dorothy sits on ground and begins to eat

  cakes from basket.)

  What are you doing?

  Dorothy

  Eating.

 

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