Complete Works of L. Frank Baum

by L. Frank Baum

  Campus of the Illiana University. --Wall with Gateway Running from R. 1E. to Back Center.--At L.C. College Buildings Shown Upon Background, in Distance. --At L. lE. is Shown Front of the “D. K. E.” Chapter House, Before Which is Placed a Lawn Bench. - -At Back is a Huge Statue of Spartacus upon a Square Pedestal.--At Extreme R. 1E., Forming the End of the Wall, is a Small Booth With an Electric Sign: “Cigarettes Sold Here.”

  At Rise, Chorus of Students and Coeds Discovered, the boys seated upon the wall and the girls standing beside it. The opening chorus is a glorification of the superiority of Illiana over all other universities.

  The students salute the girls and disappear over the wall. A porter enters with Norah’s baggage, she having obtained permission to move her quarters in dormitory. Among her belongings are a lariat, six-shooter, cartridge-belt, etc. The girls discuss her wardrobe and she explains that she is from a Texas ranch. Coach Buck enters, overhears her, and as the girls exit he tells Norah that she is the first girl who has ever aroused his interest. While they are engaged in earnest conversation Flora and Dora enter, and decide to take the coach away from Norah. Flora exercises her feminine arts to lure him, while Dora expresses her intense admira- tion for all athletic sports in order to attract his attention.

  Spartacus Smith enters languidly in time to overhear this speech of Dora’s, and as the three girls exit, devoting their united attentions to the Coach, Spartacus seats himself upon the bench, deliberately lights a cigarette, and drawls out a soliloquy in which he declares he would not have suspected Dora of such toadyism, as he had imagined she was “a very decent sort.” He then decides to read a letter from “the Gov’ner,” and, opening it, finds the following:

  “In my legal researches I have accidentally discovered a hitherto unknown will of the late Obadiah Jones, in which he bequeathes the great Centipede Copper Mine of Montana to his niece and only surviving relative, Miss--ora Jones of Athens.” (The Gov’ner has made a plot in this. I can’t tell what comes before that “--ora.” But never mind. ) “The mine is worth four million dollars at the lowest estimate. I find by enquiry that the girl herself is in no way objectionable, and, without desiring in the least to coerce you, I recommend to your business judgment an immediate acquaint- ance with the young lady in question, with a view to matrimony if possible. I need hardly point out to you that, in the present condi- tion of our family fortunes, such an arrangement would be highly felicitous.

  “P. S.--Prompt action is necessary. There are others who could use four millions, and the secret may leak out.”

  Spartacus decides it is his duty to obey his father’s injunc- tions; but reproaches “the Gov’ner” for not giving the heiress’ full name--Miss “--ora” jones being so indefinite. However, as she is from Athens, Spartacus believes he will have no trouble in tracing her, and Dora at that moment recrossing the campus, he springs up and questions her, letting the letter slip to the ground. Dora says she is from Athens, Ohio; so he decides she is the heiress, and expresses his intense admiration for her. She informs him there is but one sort of man she could ever love, and that is an all-around athlete. If, for instance, he were on the football team, she might consider him; but not otherwise. He protests that he will join the football team at once, as they are short a half-back. She then says he must win the game in order to win her, and he swears he will do so. They exit.

  Willie and his mother now enter, attended by the chorus of students and coeds, among them being the glee and mandolin club.

  The latter surround Willie and sing to him a love song, at which Mrs. Sedgewicke is delighted, and places her darling in the care of the dear “sophs,” who promise to be gentle with him and protect him from all harm. The girls also all declare they will be mothers and sisters to him. Mrs. Sedgewicke picks up the letter Spartacus has dropped and reads it. At once she asks which is Miss Jones of Athens, and Flora says she is the one. Then Mrs. S. commends her boy especially to Flora’s care, and drawing Willie aside commands him to make instant and desperate love to Flora and win her for his wife, as she is the heiress to the greatest copper mine in the world. She then kisses her son good-bye, and as soon as she is gone the students begin hazing Willie and have much fun at the expense of his innocence. Flora finally sends them away and takes Willie under her wing. He frankly makes love to her, urging that his mother has commanded him to do so.

  Coach Buck now enters, surrounded by a bevy of admiring girls. While trying to shake them off he picks up the letter, which

  Mrs. Sedgewicke had dropped, and reads it. At once he turns to the girls, and drawing Norah aside, asks her if she is from Athens. She answers that she is from Athens, Texas, whereupon Buck declares he can only escape the persecutions of the fair sex by getting mar- ried, and asks Norah to be his bride. She becomes suspicious at this sudden proposal, but says she will marry him if Illiana wins the coming football contest with Massajersey. She also slips the letter from Buck’s belt, where he has placed it, and when he has made his exit, she reads it. Dora and Flora enter, silently approach her, and read the letter over her shoulder. Norah exclaims: “So, that is the reason he wants to marry me!” Dora and Flora repeat the exclamation, and then they compare notes and find that all three are Misses “--ora” Jones of Athens, and that one of them is doubt- less the heiress, but neither one remembers having had an Uncle Obadiah. Having each had an offer of marriage, doubtless on the strength of the letter, they conspire to keep the young men in tow until they discover which is the heiress, when the others will accept and the heiress can discard her lover for something better--a lord, for instance.

  The girls exit, and Buck and Spartacus enter, the latter implor- ing the coach to let him be half-back. Buck pommels him severely but finally decides he is as fit as any one, and reluctantly consents.

  Buck exits and the full chorus, headed by the glee and mandolin club, is heard in the distance, softly singing.

  Spartacus seats himself upon the bench and lights cigarette after cigarette, wondering how he can manage to win the football game and so win Dora for his wife. If he was only, like the great Spartacus of old, his namesake, nothing could oppose him. He wonders what the secret was that enabled the ancient athletes to overcome all obstacles.

  The chorus grows louder, and enters. As they cease singing Dr. N. Dowe, President of Illiana, rushes in with a telegram, and informs the students that the great benefactor of the university has just donated two million dollars for the promotion of classical foot- ball. All applaud and cry the college yell, while a bill-poster enters and silently posts a bill, upon the pedestal of the statue of Spartacus, which reads: “Kerosene, 19 cents a gal.” But, Dr. Dowe informs them, this is not all. Their noble benefactor has also presented the sum of fifty thousand dollars toward a new building of fine arts. The students more faintly applaud, and the bill-poster reenters and posts upon the pedestal a bill reading: “Kerosene 21 cents a gal.”

  President N. Dowe and the bill-poster are now seized and car- ried off upon the shoulders of the students, who shout the college yell.

  Spartacus Smith, whom no one has noticed, has continued to smoke furiously and consume a vast quantity of cigarettes. He is now enveloped in a cloud of smoke. As the yells die away he lifts his head and addresses the statue, saying: “Help me, Spartacus, old boy! Help me!”

  His head then drops upon his breast, while the stage slowly darkens and the glee club is heard softly singing in the distance.

  CURTAIN

  SYNOPSIS: ACT II

  Temple of the College of Vestals, Ancient Athens. Chorus of vestals grouped upon the floor. In an opening chorus they bemoan their unhappy fate, being forbidden to see any sort of a man except the janitor, and having absolutely nothing to do of any interest.

  Pulchra sings a song called “Nothing Doing” and the vestals all join mournfully in the refrain.

  Spartacus the Gladiator, who is the acting janitor, now enters and enquires if they want more heat. They ask him why he, the greatest athlete in the wor
ld, has become an humble janitor, and after declaring no janitor is humble he acknowledges that his love for Hera, their high priestess, has induced him to take the job, so he can be near to respectfully adore her. Hera now enters, and Spartacus begs her to allow him to touch his lips to the hem of her robe. At first she refuses, but upon the vestals all imploring her, she shyly consents. Thereupon Spartacus kneels and kisses the hem of her robe, while Hera warns her maidens that such levity is greatly to be avoided, and she only permits it as an example to them of an evil they must never encourage — love.

  A door-keeper announces that a stranger demands an instant interview with Spartacus, and while the gladiator is wondering how he can escape being found in the presence of the vestal, Spartacus Smith of Battle Creek enters, smoking his cigarette, and seizes the gladiator’s hand, saying he has been searching for him everywhere.

  He explains that he is a namesake of the famous Spartacus, and won’t be born for three thousand years yet. This statement reassures them all, and Spartacus expresses his relief, confiding to Smith that he was illegally making love to the high priestess. When asked what he did, he confesses he kissed the hem of her robe. This convulses Spartacus Smith, who offers to show Spartacus Primus the proper way to make love if he will agree to divulge to him, in return, the secret of his athletic powers. The bargain being struck, Smith picks out Pulchra, the Maid of Athens (who is Dora Jones of the first act) and explains how to artistically slip your arm around a girl’s waist; then the pressure denoting comfort, admiration and ecstasy. The vestals are greatly interested, and Pulchra declares it is all right.

  Then Smith teaches her how to pucker her lips, and gives her the different kisses--brotherly, admiring and loving. The ancients become still more interested. Then he shows the kiss and hug in combination, completing their delight. Smith now suggests estab- lishing in the College of Vestals a Chair of Sociology, so that here- after they may be more sociable. Spartacus speaks for the Chair at once, and to prove his fitness offers to demonstrate his qualifications to the high priestess. After some demur she consents, merely to show the girls what they must never allow.

  Here is a song and refrain called “The Object Lesson,” ending in this way:

  Hera (after the kiss):

  This is the way the naughty folks do:

  Remember, my dears, that it isn’t for you;

  You never will kiss if you take my advice--

  It’s dreadful, my darlings!

  Vestals:

  Yes, dreadfully nice!

  They now retire, leaving the two Spartacuses alone, and Smith demands the secret of the Gladiator’s health food. They discuss the respective merits of ancient and modern athletics, and Smith offers Spartacus a “pipe,” which is indignantly spurned. Smith explains the athletics (of 2000 years to come) in a song. In the refrain of the verse on pugilism he gives an imitation of a pugilist playing upon a typewriter with boxing gloves. In the refrain to the verse on base- ball he imitates a pitcher catching a foul off the bat and a quarrel with the umpire over calling balls. In the refrain to the verse on golf he shows how to “address” a ball and afterward drive without hitting it, etc., etc.

  Spartacus claims he and his gladiators are much finer athletes than their descendants will ever be, and regrets it is unlawful for him to summon his men and show them off to Smith. The high priestess, Hera, now enters, and Spartacus wants to practice again, fearing he has already forgotten the newly acquired art of love- making. Hera consenting, Spartacus makes love to her furiously, and the vestals, stealing on silently, observe this, to Hera’s great confusion. They promise not to tell if Hera will only allow them to practice with the gladiators, and being forced to consent Spartacus summons his men.

  Here occurs the March of the Gladiators. They bear sword and shield, and after the march mingle with the vestals, who, being apt students, begin teaching the gladiators the arts of love-making of 2000 years to come. This is interrupted by a trumpet blast sum- moning all the gladiators to the arena for mortal combat.

  Spartacus hastily gives to Smith a box of golden pills, which he declares, taken one each ten minutes, an hour before the football game, will enable him to overcome all opposition.

  Then the gladiators march and form a picture at back of stage, the vestals being ranged at the sides. A splendid three-horse chariot enters at center, into which Spartacus mounts.

  In a grand finale they all draw their swords and shout a fare- well to the vestals; while Smith, smoking his last cigarette and with his arm still around Pulchra, looks carelessly on.

  CURTAIN

  SYNOPSIS: ACT III

  Athletic Field of the Inter-Collegiate Football Game of 1904. –The Grand-Stand Appears Located at Extreme Right of Stage. –At Back is a Fence, from Which Banners of the College Colors are Flying. --At Extreme Left is a Dressing Room, the Interior Visible to the Audience.

  Enter Dora, Flora and Norah. Their fate is about to be decided by the great game, as each has promised to wed if the Illiana win.

  Yet neither of them has been able to learn if she ever possessed an Uncle Obediah. The Coach enters and assures them his team will win hands down if only the half-back proves fit; Spartacus Smith has so doped himself with cigarettes that he appears dazed, and Buck advises the girls, confidentially, not to bet on the side of the Ulianas.

  He begs Norah not to refuse him if Spartacus loses the game, as he has done the best he can. She appears undecided, so Buck takes her arm and leads her off, arguing his cause.

  Willie now enters, and tells Flora that he has bet his bottom dollar on their team, for if they lose, and he loses her and her cop- per mine, he will be ruined anyhow, and mamma will cast him off.

  Flora, however, does not intend to lose him, and gives him hope, at the same time advising him to hedge by betting on the other side.

  This he rushes away to do, carrying Flora with him.

  Dora is seated despondently upon the lower step of the grand- stand, when Spartacus enters, rubbing his eyes and still dazed by vague recollections of his dream. Seeing Dorahe starts, in surprise, recognizing in her the Maid of Athens. She does not understand his rambling remarks, and fears he has gone crazy. But Spartacus, pulling himself together, tells her that since he hugged and kissed her in Athens, 2000 years ago, he has become desperately in love with her, and now wants her for herself alone, regardless of her copper mine. He tells her of his father’s letter, and then learns that there are three Misses Jones of Athens at the university. This staggers him, and he feels in his pocket for a cigarette. While Dora is declaring that she will abide by her promise, and marry him only in case he wins the football game, Spartacus draws out the box of golden pills and begins wondering what they are and where he got them. Dora, seeing him again dazed, declares he will never become an athlete, and runs off sobbing. Smith enters the dressing-room.

  Buck enters and confides to Spartacus that on his efforts depends the Coach’s future happiness. Willie also enters and implores Spartacus to win the game and save him from ruin.

  During this scene the grand-stand fills with spectators, the coeds and students being in the front rows, profusely decorated with the college colors. They break into a chorus, varied with the college yell, during which Spartacus seems to suddenly remember where he got the box of pills. He takes a pill, throws off his coat, appearing in football costume. His hair has grown longer and bushier, and when he tests the muscles of his arm they rise in a huge bunch, to the bewilderment of Buck and Willie.

  The Massajersey football team now appears in the arena, and is wildly cheered and hooted. Spartacus, in the dressing-room, takes another pill, and finds his hair grow still longer and his muscles rising to enormous proportions. Buck slaps him on the back, cries “We will win!” and rushes out upon the field, where he is enthusiastically applauded. Willie also rushes upon the field, getting in the way of the entering

  Illiana team, which the students and coeds greet with rousing cheers, and waving of flags and handkerchiefs. Spa
rtacus, in the dressing- room, takes the third pill, with great results, and then goes out and joins his team.

  Here occurs The Great Football Game.

  (Note. - -It is the intention of the authors that this should be a genuine football game--”for blood”--showing kick-off, scrimmage, etc. The plot will not require either side to win. This will add the element of uncertainty to every contest, which must be earnestly and fairly conducted, and is sure to arouse enthusiastic interest in the audience. Skilled players may easily be secured from the ranks of college students, and a slight premium offered by the management to the winners would ensure their best ef- forts. To avoid accidents, protecting metal framework may be worn by the players, concealed beneath their uniforms. )

  At the conclusion of game the teams exit, and while the audience is leaving the grand-stand, the three Misses Jones surround Spartacus and congratulate him on his magnificent playing. Willie has been caught by a flying wedge, and is brought in much bruised and delapi- dated. But he has succeeded in hedging, and is sure to win anyhow.

  Buck now hands Spartacus a letter which he had forgotten to deliver. It is from Smith’s father, and says that he made a slight error in his former statement. The copper mine belongs to Miss Cora Jones of Athens, N. Y., but she is not at the Illiana University, but at Wellesley, so Spartacus need not bother to win her hand.

  Hearing this, the three girls decide to accept their lovers, who are thereupon made happy. The students, coeds and Glee Club now march in, singing the glories of the famous game, Buck announces the three engagements, and each kisses his girl to seal the bargain. Spartacus astonishes them by declaring he kissed Dora two thousand years ago, and the Finale follows.

  THE KING OF GEE-WHIZ

  A MUSICAL EXTRAVAGANZA

  This show was intended to feature music by Paul Tietjens, which was probably never composed. It deals with the arrival of the Lieutenant Arthur Wainwright, who falls like a projectile onto the Island of Gee-Whiz, where the residents are sun worshippers and recognize their king, Goo-Goo, as Son of the Sun. Goo-Goo wants to obtain precious metals from the High Priestess Princess Itla of Radiant Valley to build a doghouse, because precious metals are common and functional there, but mostly found only in Itla’s part pf the island, from which they are barred.