Complete Works of Kenneth Grahame

by Kenneth Grahame

  ‘Then it’s all over,’ sobbed the Toad, crying into the sofa-cushions. ‘I shall go & enlist for a soldier, & never see my dear Toad-Hall any morel’

  [A dread silence fell upon the company, a horror — Toad — ]

  ‘Cheer up, Toady,’ said the Badger; ‘now I’m going to tell you a secret.’

  The Toad sat up at once & dried his eyes. He liked to be told secrets, & then to go & tell them to some other animal, after he had promised not to.

  ‘There-is-a-secret-passage,’ said the Badger impressively, ‘leading right into the middle of Toad Hall!’

  ‘O nonsense, Badger,’ said the Toad rather airily: ‘I know every inch of Toad Hall, inside & out. Nothing of the sort, I do assure you!’

  ‘My young friend,’ said the Badger severely, ‘Your father, who was a very worthy animal — much worthier than some others I know — was a great friend of mine [& told me a deal he wouldn’t have thought of telling you]. He made that passage, in case of danger, & when he had made it he showed it to me. “Don’t tell my son,” said he. “He’s a good fellow, but he has a light character & can’t hold his tongue. If he is ever in a real fix you may tell him, but not before!”’

  The other animals looked hard at Toad, to see how he would take it. Toad was inclined to be sulky at first. Then he brightened up, being a good fellow.

  ‘Well, well,’ said he, ‘perhaps I am rather a talker. A popular fellow (like-me)* [such as I am] — my friends get round me — & then I talk. Go on, Badger! How’s this going to help us?’

  ‘To-morrow night,’ continued the Badger, ‘as I have found out by calling at the back-door in the disguise of a sweep, there is going to be a great banquet. It’s somebody’s birthday — the Head Weasel’s, I believe. And the animals [weasels] will be gathered in the dining-hall, feasting & laughing & carrying on, & suspecting nothing. No guns, no swords, no sticks, no arms of any sort.’

  ‘But the sentries will be posted, as usual,’ remarked the Rat.

  ‘Exactly,’ said the Badger. [That is my point]. They [The weasels] will trust entirely to -the- [their excellent] sentries. And that’s where our passage comes in. This blessed old (passage)* [tunnel] leads right up under the butler’s pantry, next to the dining-hall!’

  ‘Aha, that squeaky board in the butler’s pantry!’ cried the Toad. ‘Now I understand it.’

  ‘ — We shall creep out quietly into the butler’s pantry,’ cried the Mole —

  ‘ — with our swords & our sticks & [our] things!’ shouted the Rat —

  ‘ — And rush in upon ‘em!—’ said the Badger —

  ‘And whack ‘em, & whack ‘em, and whack ‘em!—’ cried the Toad in extasy, running round & round the room & jumping over the chairs.

  ‘Very well then,’ said the Badger, becoming suddenly grave & severe once more. Now that’s settled, all of you go off to bed, at once & we’ll make our arrangements [in the course of] to-morrow [morning].

  The Toad felt a great deal too excited to sleep. But he had had a long & tiring day, & his head had not been long on the pillow before he was snoring. Of course he dreamt a great deal — such a jumble of gipsies, motor-cars & policemen, fallings into water & fishings out again, as never was; & the secret passage twisted & turned, & shook itself, & sat up on its end; but somehow he was in Toad Hall at the last, & his friends sat round him, saying what a clever Toad he was.

  He slept till a very late hour next morning, & when he got down the other animals had finished their breakfast a long time. The Mole had gone out by himself, without saying where he was going to. The Badger sat in the armchair, reading the paper, & not troubling himself in the slightest about what was going to happen that evening. The Rat [on the other hand] was running round excitedly with his arms full of weapons, distributing them in four little heaps, & saying rapidly under his breath, as he ran, ‘Here’s-a-sword-for-the-Rat, here’s-a-sword-for-the-Mole, here’s-a-sword-for-the-Toad here’s-a-sword-for-the-Badger! Here’s-a-pistol-for-the-Rat, here’s-a-pistol-for-the-Mole,’ & so on.

  (To be continued)

  16, DURHAM VILLAS,

  CAMPDEN HILL, W.

  26th August, 1907

  DEAR ROBINSON,

  ‘That’s all very well, Rat,’ said the Badger, looking at him over the edge of his newspaper, ‘I’m not blaming you.

  But just let us once get past those stoats, with their horrid guns, & I assure you we shan’t want any swords or pistols. We four, with our sticks, once we’re inside the dining-hall — why, we shall clear the floor of ‘em, in five minutes. I’d have done the thing by myself, but I didn’t want to deprive you fellows of the fun!’

  ‘It’s as well to be on the safe side,’ said the Rat, polishing a pistol-barrel on his sleeve & looking along it.

  The Toad picked up a stout stick & swung it vigorously, thrashing imaginary animals with it. ‘I’ll learn ‘em to steal my house!’ he cried, ‘I’ll learn ‘em, I’ll learn ‘em!’

  ‘Don’t say “learn ‘em”, Toad,’ said the Rat, greatly shocked: ‘it’s not good English!’

  ‘What are you always nagging at Toad for?’ inquired the Badger. ‘What’s the matter with his English? It’s the same what I use myself, & what’s good enough for me ought to be good enough for you!’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ said the Rat humbly: ‘Only I think it ought to be “teach ‘em”, not “learn ‘em”.’

  ‘But we don’t want to teach ‘em!’ said the Badger. ‘We want to learn ‘em, — learn ‘em, learn ‘em! & what’s more, we’re going to!’

  ‘O all right, have it your own way,’ said the Rat. He was getting rather muddled about it himself, & presently retired into a corner, where he was heard muttering ‘learn ‘em, teach ‘em, teach ‘em, learn ‘em’ — till the Badger told him rather sharply to leave off.

  Presently the Mole tumbled into the room, evidently very pleased with himself. ‘I’ve been humbugging the Stoats,’ he began. ‘It was great fun. I put on that old washerwoman-dress that Toad came home in — found it hanging before the kitchen fire — and the bonnet, & went off to Toad Hall, & found the Stoat-sentries with their guns at the gate. “Good morning, gentlemen!” I says. “Want any washing done to-day?” They looked at me [very] proud, & [stiff &] haughty, & said, “Go away washerwoman! we don’t do any washing on duty!”

  “Or any other time?” says I! “Haw, haw, haw! Wasn’t I funny, Toad!’

  ‘Poor, frivolous animal!’ said the Toad very loftily. The fact is, he was jealous of Mole, for what he had done. It was just what he would have liked to do himself, if he had only thought of it.

  ‘Some of the stoats turned quite pink,’ continued the Mole: ‘and the Sergeant said to me, very stiffly, “Now run away, my good woman, run away!”

  “Run away?” I said, “it won’t be me that’ll be running away, in a very short time from now!”’

  “O Moly!’ said the Rat, dismayed.

  The Badger laid down his paper.

  ‘I could see them pricking up their ears,’ went on Mole. ‘My daughter,’ I said, ‘washes for Mr. Badger, so I know what I’m talking about. A hundred bloodthirsty badgers, armed with rifles, are going to attack to-night by way of the paddock. Six boat-loads of rats, with pistols and cutlasses, will come up the river & effect a landing in the kitchen-garden; & a picked body of Toads, known as the Die-hards, or the Death-or-Glory Toads, will storm the orchard.’ [yelling for vengeance. They seemed struck all of a heap.] Then I ran away & hid: & presently I came creeping back through the bushes. They were all as nervous & excited as could be: running all ways at once, & every one giving different orders, & the Sergeant sending off bodies of stoats to distant parts of the grounds in different directions; and I heard one stoat say, “That’s just like the weasels; they’re to stop comfortably at home, & have feasting & all sorts of fun, & we’re to stay out in the cold & the dark & be cut to pieces by bloodthirsty badgers”’

  ‘You silly ass, Mole,’ cried the Toad, ‘You’ve been & spoilt
everything!’

  ‘Mole,’ said the Badger, in his dry quiet way, ‘you have more sense in your little finger than some other animals have in the whole of their fat bodies. I begin to have great hopes of you. Good Mole! Clever Mole!’

  The Toad was simply wild with jealousy, especially as he couldn’t see what the Mole had done that was particularly clever; but before he could say more the dinner-bell rang. It was bacon & broad beans, & a macaroni pudding; & when they had quite done, the badger settled himself into an arm-chair & said, ‘Well, we’ve got our work cut out for us to-night, & we shall be up rather late, so I’m going to have forty winks.’ And he drew a handkerchief over his face & was soon snoring.

  The Rat was still taken up with his arrangements, & began- continued running between his four little heaps, muttering ‘Here’s-a-belt-for-the-Rat, here’s-a-belt-for-the- Mole, here’s-a-belt-for-the-Toad, here’s-a-belt-for-the- Badger,’ & so on, so the Mole put his arm through the Toad’s & drew him into the garden, where he put him into a wicker-chair & made him tell him all his adventures from beginning to end, which the Toad was very willing to do. Indeed, he not only told him everything, but I’m afraid he also told him several things that had not actually occurred; but they were all things that the Toad had intended to do, if he had had time; so perhaps he had almost persuaded himself that he had really done them.

  When it grew dark, the Rat called them into the parlour, & stood each of them by his little heap, & proceeded to dress them up. He was very earnest about it & it took quite a long time. First there was a belt to go on each animal, & then a sword to be stuck into each belt, & then a cutlass on the other side to balance it, & then a pair of pistols, & a policeman’s truncheon, & a pair of handcuffs, & some bandages & sticking-plaster, & a sandwich-case. The Badger laughed good-humouredly, & said, ‘All right, Rat; it amuses you & it doesn’t hurt me. But I’m going to do all I’ve got to do with this here stick!’ But the Rat said, ‘Please, Badger! You know I shouldn’t like you to blame me afterwards, & say I had forgotten anything?

  When all was ready, the Badger took a dark lantern in his hand & said, ‘Now then, follow me! Mole first, ‘cos I’m very pleased with him! Rat next; Toad last. And look here, Toady! don’t you chatter quite so much!’

  The Toad was so anxious to begin the attack that he took up the inferior position assigned to him without a murmur, & the animals set off. The Badger led them along by the river for some way, & then suddenly swung himself over the edge into a hole in the river-bank. The others followed silently one by one: of course when it came to the Toad’s turn he managed to slip & fall into the water with a loud splash. He was hauled out by the others, & rubbed down, & comforted; but the Badger was seriously angry & told him that the next time he made a fool of himself he would be left behind.

  (To be contd)

  16, DURHAM VILLAS,

  CAMPDEN HILL, W.

  7 Sept 1907

  DEAR ROBINSON,

  So at last they were in the secret passage!

  It was cold, & dark, & damp, & muddy, & low; & the Toad began to shiver with dread, & partly also because he was wet through; & he lagged behind, & the others called out impatiently, ‘Come on, Toad!’ Then he ‘came on’ with such a rush that he upset the Rat into the Mole & the Mole into the Badger. And the Badger thought they were attacked from behind, & drew a pistol, as there wasn’t room to use a stick; & he nearly put a bullet through Mr. Toad. When he found out what had really happened he was very angry, & said, ‘Now Toad shall be left behind this time!’ But Toad whimpered, & the other two promised they would be answerable for him, & at last the Badger was pacified, & the Toad was allowed to proceed, only this time the Rat brought up the rear, with a firm grip on the shoulder of Toad.

  So they groped along & shuffled along, with their paws on their pistols, & presently the Badger said, ‘We must be getting very near the Hall now!’ Then they heard, far away & over their heads, a confused murmur of sound, as if people were shouting & cheering & stamping & hammering on tables: & the Toad got nervous, but the Badger only said, ‘Well, they are going it, those Weasels!’

  They groped along a bit further, & presently the noise broke out again, quite distinct this time, & close above them. ‘OOray-oo-ray-oo-ray-oo-ray!’ they heard, & the stamping of little feet on the floor, & the clinking of glasses as little paws hammered on the table. ‘They are going it!’ said the Badger: ‘Come on!’ And they hurried along the passage till they found themselves standing under the trap-door that led into the butler’s pantry!

  There was such a noise going on in the Hall that there was little danger of their being overheard. The Badger said ‘Now, all together!’ And the four of them put their shoulders to the trap-door & heaved it back. In another second they all stood in the pantry, with only a door between them & the dining-hall!

  For the moment the noise was simply deafening. As the cheering & hammering slowly subsided, a voice was heard, saying, ‘Well, I will not detain you longer’ (much applause). ‘But before I sit down’ (great cheering), ‘I should like to say one word abour our host Mr. Toad! We all know Toad! (laughter) Good Toad, honest Toad, modest Toad!’ (Shrieks of merriment).

  ‘Only let me get at him!’ muttered Toad, grinding his teeth.

  ‘Hold hard a minute! said the Badger, restraining him with difficulty.

  ‘ — Let me sing you a little song,’ went on the voices: ‘which I have composed on the subject of Toad!’ (Much applause.)

  Then the head-weasel — for it was he — began in a high squeaky voice

  Toad he went a-pleasuring

  Gaily down the street —

  The Badger drew himself up, took a firm grip of his stick in both hands, & cried ‘The hour is come! Follow me!’ and flung the door open wide.

  My!

  What a squealing & a squeaking & a screeching filled the air!

  Well might the terrified weasels dive under the tables & spring at the windows! Well might the ferrets rush for the fire-place & get jammed in the chimney! Well might tables & chairs be upset & glass & china sent smashing on the floor, in the panic of that terrible moment when the Four Heroes strode wrathfully into the room! The Mighty Badger, his whiskers bristling, his great cudgel whistling through the air! Mole, black & grim & terrible, brandishing his stick & shouting his awful war-cry, ‘A Mole, A Mole!’ Rat, desperate & determined, his belt bulging with weapons of every age & every variety; Toad, frenzied with excitement & injured pride, swollen to twice his ordinary size, leaping into the air & emitting Toad-whoops that chilled [them to] the marrow! ‘Toad he went a-pleasuring!’ he yelled. ‘I’ll pleasure ‘em!’ [& he went straight for the Chief Weasel]. They were but four, yet to the panic- stricken weasels the hall seemed full of monstrous animals, grey, black, brown, & yellow, whooping & flourishing enormous sticks; & they broke & fled with squeals of terror, this way & that, through the windows, up the chimney, anywhere to get out of reach of those terrible cudgels.

  The affair was soon over. Up & down, the length of the Hall, strode the four Animals, whacking with their sticks at every head that showed itself.

  In five minutes the room was cleared. Through the broken windows (by which they had escaped)* the shrieks of terrified weasels (tearing)* escaping across the lawn were borne faintly to their ears; on the floor lay some dozen or so of the enemy, on whom the Mole was busily engaged in fitting handcuffs. The Badger, resting from his labours, leaned on his stick & wiped his honest brow. ‘Mole!’ he said. ‘You’re the best of fellows! Cut along outside & look after those stoats of yours! I’ve an idea we shan’t have much trouble from them to-night!’

  The Mole vanished through a window; & then the Badger bade the other two set a table on its legs, & pick up some plates & glasses, & see if they could find materials for a supper. ‘I want some grub, I do,’ he said, in the rather common way he had of speaking: ‘Stir your stumps, Toad, & look lively. We’re doing all this for you, & you don’t trouble to produce so much as a sandwich!’
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  The Toad felt rather hurt that the Badger didn’t say pleasant things to him, as he had to the Mole, & tell him what a fine fellow he was, how splendidly he had fought for he was rather particularly pleased with himself, & the way he had gone for the head weasel & sent him flying across the table with one blow of his stick; but he bustled about, & so did the others [Rat], & presently they found some guava jelly in a glass dish, a cold chicken, a tongue that had hardly been touched, some trifle, & quite a lot of lobster salad; & in the pantry was a basket-full of French rolls, & a quantity of celery & cheese. They were just sitting down when the Mole clambered in through the window chuckling, his arms full of rifles.

  ‘It’s all over,’ he said. ‘When the stoats heard the shrieks & the yells & the uproar inside the hall, most of them threw down their rifles & fled. The rest stood fast, but when the weasels rushed out upon them they thought they were betrayed, & the stoats grappled with the weasels, & the weasels fought to get away, & they wrestled & wriggled & rolled till they fell into the river! And I’ve got all their rifles, so that’s all right.’

  ‘Excellent animal,’ said the Badger, his mouth full of chicken & trifle: ‘Now there’s just one more thing I want you to do for us, Mole, before you sit down to your supper along of us: because I can trust you to see a thing done, & I wish I could say the same of everybody I know.’

  (To be contd)

  16, DURHAM VILLAS,

  KENSINGTON,

  Sept 1907

  DEAR ROBINSON,

  ‘What I want you to do, Mole,’ said the Badger, ‘is to take those fellows on the floor there, upstairs with you, & have some bedrooms cleaned out, & tidied, & made really comfortable. Make them put clean linen on all the beds, & turn down one corner of the bed-clothes, just as you know it ought to be done; & have a can of hot water & clean towels put in each room; & then you can give them a licking apiece, if you’ve a mind to, & put them outside the door — they won’t trouble us any further, I’ll lay. And then come in & have some of this cold tongue. It’s real good. I’m very pleased with you, Mole!’