Stronger

by Blue Ashcroft

“I, well, people keep commenting on it. You said I munched a lot, and Josh, well, you know what he said.”

  “He’s an ass,” Geoff says. “Don’t let other people tell you how to live.”

  I sigh. “I know. It’s hard though, sometimes, not looking like girls like Rain and Allie.”

  “Please,” he says, running a hand up my arm. “I’m so glad you don’t.”

  “Why?” I ask, knowing I’ll probably regret it, because something foul is probably going to come out of his mouth.

  He scans me with a lingering look, long eyelashes low as his dark eyes move over my body. My skin starts to tingle, and I wrap my arms around myself, feeling awkward.

  “I think you know why.”

  “Because it makes guys want to screw me,” I say bitterly, crossing my arms over my chest. “But not date me.”

  He snorts but doesn’t take his hand off my arm. “Not all guys are me, Dollface. Josh isn’t like that. You could date him.”

  I look up at Geoff slowly, studying him the way he studied me, like someone utterly attracted to someone who is all wrong for them. “I don’t want to.”

  “Why not?” He puts a hand up to my face, tilts my head gently with his fingers under my chin.

  “Because…I don’t know.”

  “I think you know.” He lets his hand run down my neck, leaving a trail of heat and fire as it moves down to my collarbone. I catch my breath as one rough finger dips there gently for a moment, and then raises up to my ear, where he flicks the earlobe gently. “Why don’t you want him, Amy?”

  I gulp and press my earlobe into his finger, which then trails up and around and caresses the shell of my ear. “I like when you call me Amy,” I say. “Not Dollface.”

  “Amy then. For now.”

  I laugh and feign anger, but stop when his finger runs down my neck, making a blazing trail to my shoulder. “Oh, don’t stop,” I murmur.

  He takes a jagged breath, and then in a flash his hand jumps to the back of my neck, pulling me forward to meet his lips in a crushing kiss that is exactly what I wanted. The hardest, roughest kiss of my life. Maybe he’s trying to scare me off, but it’s not working. It’s wonderful, and when I sigh against his mouth he pulls back in surprise. I grab the back of his neck and pull him back in.

  He removes his hand from the back of my neck, and with a short groan that sounds like surrender, takes my shoulders and pushes me down on the sand beneath him. He dives down to my neck, biting me once, gently, and I gasp. I can feel pleasure building. Maybe faster than it’s ever built before. I know what I like now. This is what I like and I don’t care what anyone thinks about it.

  He doesn’t care who is watching, and it’s a bit thrilling that there could be someone on the beach watching. But I know that Geoff would never let anything happen, so I dig my hands into his shirt and just enjoy. He sighs in pleasure.

  “That’s right, dig in. Just enjoy the ride,”

  “So crass,” I murmur, barely able to choke the words out as his hand travels down my waist, plays with the top of my shorts. If only he’d go just a little lower. I feel out of control, and I squirm towards him. He presses my hips down and away, keeping me from grinding on him.

  “Hang on, too fast,” he says. “I want to savor you.”

  I pull up until I’m next to his ear. “I like fast,” I say, and he shudders slightly at the words. When I lower back down, he’s looking at me with more intensity in his eyes than ever, slightly predatory. And it turns me on.

  I’m not turned on by real creeps, like Mike. But I guess I find really dominant men hot. Maybe I was always just avoiding it, because it seemed like a weird thing to be turned on by. Oh, damn it, he’s found my chest. He grins at me and moves his hands up until they’re just underneath them, softly holding me around my ribs as my breasts spill over his hands. Embarrassed, I try to wiggle away. They’re huge. And I’m chubby. But he just laughs and uses one hand to pin my hands down.

  I blush, because it was what I wanted without saying it. I feel so helpless, so turned on, watching him above me. Huge, commanding, looking down like he wants to devour me. Stormy grey eyes flashing as he studies my body. He leans over me, his face close to mine, his firm chest rubbing my breasts, breath caressing my cheek.

  “Don’t worry,” he says softly. “No one’s watching.”

  “Okay,” I say, trusting him. I notice his hand on my waist and try to suck in.

  “Don’t keep your body from me,” he says, running his free hand over my stomach until I relax.

  “It’s chubby,” I say. I squirm, not because I want to get away, but because I’ve never had anyone give that particular place attention before. He grabs my love handle, right above my hip, and I sigh at the pleasure that shoots through me.”

  He grins. “It’s perfect. So soft, so hot.” He holds me in place and moves down to kiss me there at the side of my hip, and then on the other side, and then, watching me with those predator eyes, runs his tongue along the inside of my belly button. I squeak.

  “You’re ridiculous,” I gasp, trying to roll away but hoping he doesn’t let me. I know that rationally I should put on the brakes. I’ll probably be hurt by this in the morning, but my body loves this. And for a moment none of my other troubles matter.

  And maybe this was going to happen between Geoff and I from the first time we fought at the water park. Opposites attracting and all that.

  He kisses my neck as his hands work my waist. But he’s just teasing me. I’m so hot, so turned on, but he’s going everywhere but my breasts and, somewhere even better. Why is he doing that?

  He pulls up and studies me, then lets my hands go and lowers over me for a kiss. It’s long, and deep, and when I’m dying for it, he finally slips his tongue in, warm and possessing. I can see why girls go for the bad boys. Making love with one is amazing.

  I wrap my arms around his neck.

  “That’s it,” he says. “I love when they hold on.”

  “They?” I murmur, irritation not able to cut through the haze of arousal.

  “Girls. I love hands around my neck. I love being pulled closer.”

  “I can do that,” I say, pulling him down to me, back into a kiss.

  He’s in my mouth again, possessing all of it, like we’re having sex, even though we’re fully clothed. I didn’t know kissing could be so sexual. I moan, hoping he’s right and there’s no one on the beach. A crack of thunder sounds overhead and he pulls back with a sigh.

  “Damn.”

  I run my hand through my hair, trying to compose myself. My heart is out of control, I can’t seem to breathe right. Get it together Amy. Oh my gosh he’s a hot kisser. He looks around us down the beach, and the concern on his face just illuminates the handsomeness there. He has a boyish face, carved in manly lines. It’s all down to expressions which way it leans.

  And then those gorgeous pale, grey eyes. Stark against his tanned skin and dark hair and the exact color of the sky over a stormy sea.

  Sex with him would probably be amazing, but I’m a little grateful that the thunder happened, because it’s not the right time for us. There’s a lot going on, and we haven’t figured out where any of this is going. I don’t really believe him that I could be no more than a screw to him. But I don’t know how to say that to him and not sound like some naive coed.

  But can I really be imagining the way he kisses me? It’s like he’s possessing me, like he wants me to be his. Unless he makes love like that to all women. He did say ‘they’. Not a good sign. I smooth down my shirt and look down the beach. It’s empty aside from a man a long ways down throwing a stick for his dog. Two little dots.

  “You lied, there’s someone there.”

  “He wasn’t looking. He’s too far anyway.”

  I blush. “He had to know what we were doing.”

  “Well, we are on a public beach, sweetheart.”

  I run a hand over his hair, and he flinches slightly. I didn’t expect that. “What’s wrong?”<
br />
  “Just, I’m hoping you didn’t get the wrong idea from that. I tried not to take it too far.”

  I push myself up to a sitting position. “What do you mean?”

  He looks away, like he doesn’t want to say something but knows he has to. “Well, I mean. I just hope you aren’t getting ideas. About us.”

  I exhale loudly and pull my hair into a ponytail. Talk like this quickly disperses the good feelings that were clogging the air around me and making it hard to be rational. Geoff and I need to stop making out. It’s bad for my thought processes.

  But sooo good for everything else.

  “I’m not getting ideas. I mean, I have Josh, after all.” I smile gently at him, glad for the sudden, angry heat in his eyes.

  “I thought you didn’t want to date him.”

  “Well, I didn’t want to, but you aren’t an option, except for sex I guess. Would you be into that? Just sex? While I date other guys?”

  His eyes narrow, and his mouth presses into a firm line. He gets to his feet and puts his hand out for me to get up, and jerks me to my feet. When I’m there, he brings his mouth down swiftly over mine again, sealing us together, smashing me into him with his hands pressing all over my body. That feeling of possession again, like he’s trying to own something and reject it at the same time.

  I push away, and am surprised at how easily he lets me go. I knew the domination was an illusion. If I actually don’t like anything, he quickly stops. That’s good.

  “So just my body then?” he asks, an unreadable expression on his face.

  “Sure,” I say, expecting him to be angry, to tell me that’s stupid, to say not to go with Josh.

  But it doesn’t. His face goes casual, like a mask, and he’s friendly again. He smiles a not very nice smile. “I can deal with that.”

  “You can? Just making out?”

  “Works for me, Dollface.”

  “So we’re back to Dollface?” I say, exasperated that we’ve slipped so far backward in a matter of seconds. I wish he would just be honest. I don’t know which side of him to believe.

  “I like it,” he says, shrugging.

  “So I’m free to date Josh and make out with you?”

  He shrugs again, and it’s so irritating. “If you want.”

  “Fine,” I say. “But maybe I’ll just make out with Josh then.”

  “It won’t be like making out with me,” he says, grinning and reaching for my waist. I step back.

  “Maybe not, but it won’t come with half as much irritation, either.” I grab my bag and storm off towards the parking lot.

  “Hey come on, I told you beforehand. I can’t do that, okay?”

  “I know,” I say, irritated at myself for thinking I could somehow be an exception to the rule. For thinking that just because a man can make you feel like heaven that he might care for you somehow. Geoff and his friends are right. I don’t get guys at all.

  Geoff

  Seeing her walk away makes me wish I could somehow break away from the man that I am, the man I decided to be for the last few years.

  Making love to her, even for the few precious moments I got to, was too good for someone like me. But damn, I wanted it so bad. I wanted to slide my hands up and take her beautiful breasts in my hands and my mouth. Drive her crazy.

  I wanted her to be mine for those few moments. Wanted it so bad it hurt. Too precious for someone like me. I’ve been watching her for over a year now. Teasing her, waiting. Thinking about Camille and how to avenge her.

  But amidst all of that was Amy. Gorgeous, fiery Amy. Tossing her hair, taunting me, keeping me on my toes and distracted.

  Kissing her is the biggest distraction of all. I hate seeing her leave like this, half-satisfied, and angry. I know I could do so much better.

  It’s a good thing thunder came when it did, because I might not have stopped, and she’d be more pissed at me if we’d gone all the way.

  But then the second she acts like a brat I turn back to the douchebag, and then we get nowhere, and I somehow agree to let her date Josh while using me for my body.

  It should be a good deal, if I was really the man I’m trying to convince her, and everyone else, that I am. But maybe I’m not, because as she walks away, and I’m thinking about her out with Josh, I’m cracking my knuckles so hard that it hurts. I can’t seem to unclench my fists.

  I don’t remember feeling this possessive about a girl. I never allowed myself to. It was just asking to get hurt, asking to fail.

  Amy represents all the things I won’t take hold of in that world. Money, a good school, a different future than the one I would have had if Camille had lived.

  But maybe mom would have left anyway, maybe we both could have had this life, if I had just been a different brother. For that reason, I’ll never deserve an Amy.

  Even when I kissed her waist, I was trying to distance myself. Trying to tell myself it was just a normal girl, not the one I’ve been wanting more than I knew, for longer than I thought. She means more to me than I guessed.

  And there’s still Mike around.

  And the unsolved mystery of Camille.

  How can I deal with both of those and still worry about what she does with Josh? It shouldn’t matter how I feel about it. I can’t give her what she wants, so I have no right to be jealous. I probably shouldn’t even have any physicality with her, given where it goes. But I want at least something.

  I guess for now I’ll focus on Mike. He’s threatening a woman I care about, and I know Camille would be okay with me putting the rest on the back burner while we keep him away from Amy.

  That prissy Josh doesn’t look like he could get his hands dirty even if he wanted to. I guess that makes him the good long-term solution for Amy, once I’m in jail. But for now, she needs me.

  I catch up to her at the parking lot and get on the bike. I don’t say anything and she wraps her arms around me reluctantly. I know I’ve confused her. I confuse myself, and everyone around me. I’ve been confused for years.

  The drive back is quiet and awkward. I wonder what she’s thinking. I wish I had a right to ask. I wish I had a right to take her out, and just talk as friends, maybe go on normal dates, maybe talk schools and futures. But that’s all misleading her, making her think she could go that direction with someone like me.

  When we get back to the park she hands me the helmet with a flat frown. “Thanks for taking me,” she says.

  I smile at the implication. “I did my best,” I say.

  “It wasn’t enough,” she says, smiling cruelly.

  My smile drops, but I recover quickly. “My bad. Let me know when you want to try again.” Damn it, what am I saying? Camille would slap me for becoming this guy.

  Hurt flashes across her face and she grabs her bag. “I will. Might be a while. I’m busy.”

  Slight panic runs through me at this. “Um, well, you’ll still let me walk you out, right? And come over when Mike could be around?”

  “Maybe.” She tosses her ponytail. Sexy. “Maybe I’ll ask Josh, though, since he’s the one I’ll apparently be dating.” Unsexy.

  “Ha!” I say, folding my arms, because I like how much bigger it makes me look, and I feel safe bigger. “Like he could do anything for you.”

  “What do you mean? He seems very capable.”

  I walk forward, pressing her back against the wall near the park. She flushes and looks up at me. I look her over, enjoying the effect I have on her. I could kiss her right now, but I won’t. Even I have a limit of what can put me in the mood and what completely wipes the mood out. “He’d pee his pants and run at the first sign of trouble, Dollface.”

  “Just because he doesn’t call people stupid names from old gangster movies, doesn’t mean he can’t hold his own. Or protect his lady.”

  I just laugh. “Doesn’t mean he can either. But think about it. Dude’s passive aggressive. Did you see him confront me back even once? No, he’s sneaky, and he’s not equipped to handle an abuser
.”

  “And you are? Didn’t you fail with your sister?”

  I know it’s just that she’s trying to hurt me, but it’s so close to home that it hits with precision and knocks me down completely inside. So what’s what she’s been thinking all along? That I’m not really capable? Has she been pitying me like everyone else?

  “Geoff,” she says, reaching for me, remorse in her eyes. “I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry. It’s just, you’ve backed me into a corner.” She looks around us at the wall. “Literally. You push me towards him and then tell me not to go. I don’t know what you want.”

  I just glare, still at war on whether to believe what she said before and the part of myself that believes the same thing, or to believe her now. She puts a gentle hand up to my face.

  “I’m really sorry. So sorry I attacked you. Sometimes I’m the biggest ass.”

  I sigh. “No, that would be me. I forgive you.”

  “Thanks,” she says. “I know you’d be able to stop Mike. I just don’t know that you should be the one to.”

  “And Josh is?”

  “He may have more of a place there, yes.”

  “Or maybe it should be you?” I say. “Maybe you’d be the best. You just need the right people beside you when you do it. Let me be there.”

  “I don’t know,” she says. “I don’t know who I want around and who I don’t. You confuse me, Geoff.”

  “I confuse myself, Dollface.”

  “I’m starting to understand that.”

  “Just do me a favor, Amy, and at least trust me until the Mike thing is over. I can’t fail someone I care about again.”

  Her eyes open in surprise, and her face softens. Oh no, don’t give me that look, don’t pity me.

  “Maybe that’s why I should just keep you out of it,” she says softly. “Maybe you should just stay away.” Then she turns and runs from me before I can stop her, straight to her car, where she jumps in and shuts the door.

  I just stand there like an idiot, rubbing my head and trying to figure out what I want.

  Chapter 13

  Geoff’s waiting for me when I get off shift, and I’m glad I have something to rub his face in, a reason he doesn’t get to enjoy my company today. Josh is outside in his car, or should be. He’s taking me out after work. He’s been there the last few days, each time disappointing Geoff when he tries to be the one walking me out.