by Ruby Rowe
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, let’s catch up.”
Her eyebrows draw together, and she smiles.
“OK.”
“What are her injuries?”
“She broke her femur and collarbone, and has a concussion, but she should make a full recovery.”
“Heels are sexy but not practical.”
“No kidding.” She takes a drink of her coffee and studies me. “You’re so different.”
“How so?”
“Well, for one you want to talk.” She giggles, and hearing that sound again is nice. I wasn’t hearing it much toward the end of our relationship. She looks fantastic, too.
“Yeah, I do more of that these days.”
“You also look happy.”
“I am.”
“I guess that means you won the girl.” Her gaze darts away, but it doesn’t hide the fleeting pain I saw first.
“Not exactly.”
Nicole looks back. “Do tell. I mean, if you don’t mind sharing.”
Checking the time on my phone, I lean back in my chair.
“I don’t think you’d understand.”
“Try me.”
“All right. Jake and I decided to both be in relationships with Sailor. She agreed to it, and everything was going great, but Jake started having a problem with it. He moved out, and we’re not sure if he’s coming back.”
Her eyes round. “Interesting.”
“Sailor’s taking it hard.”
“I guess so. I mean, she was lucky to win the love of two amazing men, but I’m sure it still hurts to lose one of them.”
I smirk. “I don’t recall you thinking I was amazing.”
Pink spreads up her neck and to her cheeks.
“You were at times.”
“You’ll be glad to hear I’m a changed man. I worked through some of my issues.”
“That’s great.”
“What about you? Have you found someone?”
Staring down at her cup, she rubs her finger along the rim of it.
“I’m kind of seeing this Wall Street guy, but I’m starting to wonder if he has commitment issues like someone else I once dated. I think I might need to cut him loose.”
She glances up and feigns a smile.
“Nicole, I’m sorry for how things went down between us.”
“Water under the bridge.” As she waves her hand my direction, I discover she’s still the kind, strong woman I took for granted. I was such a dick. Clarity is always bittersweet.
“Don’t brush it off. I need to know you believe me when I say I’m sorry.”
“I do, and I appreciate the apology. Um, I should probably get back to my mom.”
“Yeah, I should get back to work.”
“It was nice catching up with you, Elliott, and seeing you happy.” She walks away before I can respond, and I can’t let her disappear. I feel like I owe Nicole for how awful I treated her, much like how I’ve felt with Sailor.
“Nicole, wait.” She turns around, and I notice she’s blinking away tears. Shit. “Are you coming to our Super Bowl party this year?”
“Uh, I wasn’t planning on it. Wouldn’t that be weird?”
“Not at all. Sailor’s a sweetheart. I know she won’t mind, and I’m sure Jake would love to see you. At least, I’m hoping he’ll be there. You know we have a big turnout, so maybe you’ll meet someone.”
“I’ll think about it.”
“Cool. I hope to see you there.”
She shakes her head and smiles. “I still can’t get over your transformation.”
“Yeah, me, either. See you around.” I return a grin before she strolls away. That went well. Maybe she’ll show up to our party and meet a man. Jake and I have a few decent friends.
I feel like I’m in Alcoholics Anonymous, working through my steps to recovery and making amends with those I’ve wronged. It feels good.
Sailor
“Carrie, hi,” I say after answering her call.
“Hi, girl. How have you been?”
“I’m hanging in there.”
“Oh, no. What’s wrong?”
Sitting on the couch, I pull off my pumps and wiggle my toes. My feet hurt since I’m back at work.
“Jake left.”
“What do you mean he left?”
“He doesn’t know if he can be with Elliott and me, so he moved out. He wants time to think.”
“Shit, Sailor. I’m sorry.”
“You can say, ‘I told you so.’ ”
“I won’t do that. Regardless of how difficult I thought it would be for this type of relationship to work, I was rooting for you. I’m always in your corner, chickadee.”
“I think I’m being punished for being greedy. It was all too good to be true.”
“You weren’t being greedy. You were accepting what they were offering, and you were giving them plenty in return.”
“Yeah, well, Jake doesn’t feel like I was giving him enough. I miss him, Carrie. The pain is almost unbearable. I love Jake more than I thought was possible, and I can’t picture a life without him in it. I keep wondering how fair that is to Elliott.”
“Interesting… One day you told me you wanted to spend the rest of your life with these men. I would think that means you should also be content with spending the rest of your life with them individually if it came to that.”
“I guess I understand what you’re saying.”
“If this were the other way around and Elliott was the one bailing, would Jake be enough?”
“Yes.”
“But you’re saying you can’t live without Jake, so that makes it sound like Elliott isn’t enough to make you happy.”
“What? You’re getting me confused.”
“No, I’m making you uncomfortable.”
“Did you call for a specific reason?”
“Yep, but maybe I should tell you later.”
“No. I want to hear.”
“Josh asked me to marry him, and I said yes!” She squeals, and I imagine it’s been killing her to hold it in.
“Carrie, that’s wonderful!”
“We’re so excited. We haven’t set a date yet, but we’re leaning toward a beach wedding here in Honolulu.”
“I wouldn’t miss it.”
She squeals again, and I’m thrilled for her.
“We have so much planning to do,” she says.
“As soon as you’re ready, let me know.”
“Let’s FaceTime soon. You better buy a new planner.”
“Please, girl, I’m a teacher. I have a pile of them waiting to be used, but I may have to buy a prettier one for this occasion.”
“I’ll call you, and don’t stress too much over the guys. I’m sure Jake will wise up, and the three of you will be great again.”
“OK. Love you, and we’ll talk soon.” Ending the call, I envision her beautiful beach wedding. I try to imagine my own ceremony, but it’s difficult.
How would that work with two men? Could we even call it a marriage? Will Elliott want kids? Or, would only Jake and I have them since Elliott hasn’t seemed as interested? I grip my hair as the questions mess with my head.
The tears come for about the tenth time today, and I feel the pull of gravity to be near Jake. I walk to his room, and as soon as I open the door, I smell him.
Getting in his bed, I bury my nose against the pillow so I can breathe in his citrusy scent. I need to feel closer to him, and my heart physically aches from the inability. I can’t take it.
My stomach churns from barely eating today, too, but I’m not leaving this room. I get up to strip off my clothes and put on one of Jake’s t-shirts.
His scent, his space and the beautiful memories are all I have right now, and I know in my heart those won’t be enough. He has to come home.
Elliott
Sailor would be pissed to find out I’m doing this, but I’m desperate, and she should understand why. It’s been almost three weeks since Jake l
eft, and Sailor’s tears haven’t stopped flowing like a fire hydrant.
Fuck, if she was this sad after I left her years ago, then I don’t know if I deserve her forgiveness, and if Jake doesn’t get his head out of his ass soon, he won’t deserve it, either.
I yank on the outer door to his apartment, but it’s locked, so I pull out my phone. The cool air causes another coughing fit, and I’ll be so damn glad when winter’s over. I’ve been fighting this bronchitis since October, and I’m starting to think it’s pneumonia.
Me: Come let me in before my dick freezes off. We need to talk.
Jake: Maybe that wouldn’t be the worst thing that could happen. I’ll be down in a sec.
Douchebag.
He opens the door and doesn’t speak. I follow him up a flight of stairs and into an apartment that’s not much bigger than my master bedroom.
“Damn, do you think this place is small enough?”
“It wasn’t meant to be lived in.”
“Oh, right. It was meant to be a place for you to hide our girl.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the apartment, but I didn’t rent it to keep Sailor from you. It was more so you wouldn’t be aggravated that she was in my bed when you were home, and vice versa.”
“Always the thoughtful one...”
“And you’re always the wiseass. Sit,” he says, pointing to a loveseat that’s resting only feet away from his bed. I spot the framed photo of him and Sailor above it, and the situation we’ve created is so jacked up. “You look like shit,” he adds.
“I’m tired and sick, courtesy of the fuckers who keep coming through the ER doors with common illnesses their family doctors could’ve treated.”
“You look thinner, too.”
“Sailor isn’t eating much these days, so neither am I. What are you doing, Jake?”
Exhaling, he sits on his bed and rubs the back of his neck.
“Stalling and thinking.”
“You’ve had enough time to do that.”
“I know. I want to come home, but I can’t face Sailor. I was a dick to her on New Year’s Eve, and although she wants to forgive me, I don’t deserve it.” A line of shame emerges on his forehead. “I drank rum that night.”
“You’re an idiot. Why would you do that when you know the shit changes your personality? It doesn’t take much of it, either. I’ve never seen anything like it.”
“I don’t know why I did it. I think I was looking for an easy way out. If Sailor saw me at my worst, she’d dump me, and then I wouldn’t have to be the bad guy.”
“Stupid logic, but we can’t change it now. Look, you wouldn’t let me play the self-pity game, so you don’t get to, either. Sailor cries around the clock, and I’m not exaggerating. I get her in a good mood, but then something will remind her of you, and it all goes to hell.
“You’re interfering with my relationship with her, and I’m over it. She can’t attempt to move on when she doesn’t know if you’re coming back.”
“She really misses me?”
“More than I’d care to admit.” I run a hand through my hair and cough. “It frustrates me that I’m not enough for her, but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t be once she got over you, so wise up before it’s too late.”
“Everything was great until my family found out.”
“The point of being an adult is that you get to make your own damn decisions, and your parents aren’t supposed to like every one of them. If you think you can share Sailor for the long haul, then stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. Carson and Jeanine will come around and love Sailor again. They only need time to see that this works for us.”
“I thought you’d be pissed at me.”
“I know you don’t want to screw me over. Now, don’t make me get all sappy and shit.”
“Thanks for being cool about it, and I’m sorry I tried to come between you two.”
“Yeah, well, if you ever treat her like shit again, I won’t be.”
“Fuck, I’m such an asshole.”
“Lucky for you, she forgives assholes. I’m proof of that. Come home and apologize, bro. She deserves better than this.”
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Sailor
The school day drags on like a presidential inauguration, and I’m ready to go home. The kids have regained their enthusiasm since holiday break, and I’m about to pull my hair out.
I don’t know what’s up with Madeline. It’s difficult enough that she’s a constant reminder of Jake, bringing me to tears daily, but she’s been hyper today.
She told me this morning she had a surprise but couldn’t give it to me until the end of the day. She brings me drawings a few mornings a week, so I’m not sure what her desire for delayed gratification is about.
I see her watching the clock, and the second the first bell rings, she makes a run for it, sprinting to her cubby where her backpack is waiting. I debate yelling for her to please walk, but she’s too sweet.
She skips back with a folded paper, and as I suspected, it’s another drawing. Pushing her auburn hair off her face, she grins and hands me my surprise.
“This is from Uncle Jake, but I helped him.” I freeze, minus my heart, which might beat out of my chest. “Open it, Ms. Lockwood.”
Inhaling a deep breath, I peek inside and find a drawing of a girl and boy holding hands. It’s a scene of Washington Park … a winter wonderland of white. I cover my chest and struggle to hold my tears at bay.
“Uncle Jake said he hurt your feelings and needed to say he was sorry.” She points to the words below the sweet scene she’s drawn. “See, it says, ‘I’m sorry,’ but I can’t read all the other big words.”
“I do see.” Swiftly brushing away the tears on my cheeks, I read the sentence below.
I screwed up, and I’ll do anything in my power to make it right. I love you, and I can’t lose you, doll.
“He said you might cry, and I should give you a hug.” She bounds around the desk to wrap her arms around me. “Do you forgive him? You’re supposed to forgive people when they say sorry, and Uncle Jake looked really sorry.”
I pull away, and her apple green eyes are earnest and wide as they search mine for the answer she’s eager to hear.
“Yes, I forgive him. Thank you for making me another beautiful card.”
Proudly, she grins. “You’re welcome. Uncle Jake drew the boy.”
Laughing, I stand to corral my kindergartners.
“Is your uncle picking you up today?”
“No, Mommy is.”
Disappointment settles over me, but I guess this gives me time to think about what I want to say to Jake. I do forgive him, but I need confirmation that he’s sure about his decision to come home. I couldn’t take losing him again.
***
Spotting Jake’s car as I pull into my parking space, I clear my dry throat and lower the sun visor to straighten my hair in the mirror. I look tired, and I believe I’ve developed permanent puffy eyes from the many tears I’ve shed.
Jake and I have so much to discuss, and he has to let me in so I can help him resolve the conflict with his family. If he can’t open up to Elliott and me when issues arise, he’ll always feel like the outsider.
Taking a few taxing breaths, I get the nerve to go inside. The elevator ride feels like I’m climbing Everest. It’s stealing my oxygen and taking an eternity. I think I could throw up.
Once I’m at the front door, I inhale another long breath and open it. No lights illuminate the space, so I turn on the living room lamp and drop my purse in the chair. Waiting for him to appear, I kick off my pumps.
It’s too quiet, so I pad across the living room to the hallway that leads to his bedroom. I step through the doorway and come to an abrupt stop.
Jake’s sitting on his unmade bed.
He’s here.
In his hands is one of his t-shirts I’ve been wearing, and as I survey him, I realize he’s been crying.
“You’ve been sleep
ing in here and in my clothes,” he says in a gravelly voice as he lifts his shirt to his nose. “I know because it smells like you.”
“It smelled like you first, and that’s why I wore it. It was the only way I could feel close to you. I missed you so much.”
Dropping the shirt on his lap, he palms his eyes and begins to cry. I stand stock-still, unsure of what to do. Seeming embarrassed but unable to stop the tears, he leans his head over on his knees, and I find the courage to walk to the bed and sit next to him.
“Jake, it’s OK.” I rub his back, and his cries subside, but his pain is still a fog hovering around us. He lifts his head and hurries to dry his eyes.
“It’s not OK. I hurt you bad, and it’s something I never thought I’d do. At least, not from some huge mistake like this.” He braves a look at me, and his swollen eyes match mine. “I’m sorry, Sailor. I’m so damn sorry.”
“I know, and I forgive you.”
“You do?”
“Jake, there has to be room for apologies in relationships or none would last. I’m sorry I said I hated you on New Year’s Eve. You know I didn’t mean it. I was hurt and confused.”
“I deserved it. I was an asshole that night. I’ve missed you, and to discover you’ve been sleeping in my clothes, crying day after day, sliced my chest wide open. I should’ve come back sooner. No, I should’ve never left.”
“All that matters is you showed up. I didn’t want you to do it until you were certain you wouldn’t leave again.”
Shifting his body to face me, he cups my cheeks.
“I won’t leave again. Being half of your world still means you’re all of mine, and that’s more important to me than anything.”
I lift his palm to kiss it. “You don’t fill only half my heart Jake. While you were gone, it felt almost empty.”
“I love you, doll.”
“I love you, too, and I have a question.”
“Yeah?”
“Are you ever going to kiss me?”
He smiles for the first time, and I feel like I liquify. All my tension fades away, and as his gentle lips touch mine, I’m complete.
Sailor
