by Quinn Ward
“You’re still welcome to come with me if you’d rather get away and have some peace and quiet to study,” I offered, even though I knew he’d refuse. “Once she knows about you, I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to hold her off before she shows up and insists on taking both of us to dinner just so she can make sure her baby boy isn’t sleeping next to a sadistic killer.”
“Is that often an issue for you?” He flipped onto his stomach, kicking his feet against the end of the bed as he squinted at the computer screen.
I hated to disrupt him when he was so focused on his assignment, but he was still using my spare set of sheets. Sure, he could take them to the laundry room when he washed his own clothes, but the machines here always made everything smell funky, and I didn’t want to rest my head on a musty pillow when he eventually got his own bedding. “You know, you could study at the desk or down in the lounge like a normal person.”
Chase flinched, closing his eyes and drawing a few slow breaths. That was…odd. He slammed the lid of his laptop and gathered his papers into a messy stack as he hopped out of the bed. He wouldn’t look at me as he moved to the desk.
“Hey, I didn’t mean anything by it,” I said, still not sure what had set him off. “You’re going to hurt like hell if you sit in the bed studying all day, that’s all.”
“It’s fine,” he responded sharply. When he opened the laptop, he started typing with more force.
If he wasn’t so touchy right now, I’d have pointed out that was bad for the computer or asked what the computer had done to offend him. But it wasn’t the laptop or his work that had him upset; it was me. I’d said the wrong thing, although I wasn’t sure how an off-handed comment could evoke that sort of visceral reaction.
“It’s not fine,” I argued. I needed to get going but I wasn’t leaving things on a bad note between us. Chase always said things were fine. He never stood up for himself. It was annoying. “You’re pissed off at me and I don’t like it. I mean, I get that I say stupid shit sometimes, but this time I’m totally lost. Tell me so I don’t do it again.”
“It’s not you, okay?” Chase twisted his fingers through his hair. “It’s my baggage to deal with. I know you didn’t mean anything by it, but…”
“But what?” I crouched down next to him. He startled when I rested a hand on his knee but didn’t shove me away. And, within seconds, he relaxed. The way he reacted under my touch had me wishing it wouldn’t be weird as hell if I scooped him up and held him so he could get out everything he held inside. I couldn’t even explain why, but my brain insisted that was something Chase needed. “I’m not leaving until you finish that sentence, so if you don’t want my mom mad at me for missing breakfast, you’d better speak up.”
“You’re ridiculous.” Chase rolled his eyes.
“Yeah, pretty much. And you’re stalling,” I pointed out.
“Do you remember me telling you I moved out because my roommate and I couldn’t get along?” I nodded, not bothering to point out, yet again, that his former roommate must have been the asshole because Chase was pretty easy-going, other than these brief moments and his reluctance to open up to people. “One of his favorite jabs last semester was about me not being normal. It hurt because, at one point, he and I had been friends.”
“So, you’re saying he’s a raging homophobe?”
“Am I that obviously gay?” Chase blanched. I backed up, turning his chair so his legs were on either side of me. The position was too intimate for friends, but dammit, I wanted him to understand there wasn’t a damn thing wrong with being who he was. “I don’t make you uncomfortable, do I?”
I glanced down at myself and then up at him, laughing. “I feel like I should be the one asking you that question since I’m in your personal space.”
“I like that you don’t get weirded out by touching or being close like this,” Chase admitted, his voice small and uncertain.
“Good. Because I’m a touchy-feely guy,” I responded. It was totally true. Mom was a hugger and she’d passed that on to me. When my Uncle William moved in, I’d expected him to try and break me of the habit, but it seemed he was just as affectionate. People looked at him and expected a badass, but he was a teddy bear who seemed almost proud of me for not holding back. My family was weird, but I wouldn’t trade them for the world. “As for you being obviously gay, I don’t know. I mean, I wasn’t even sure at first, but have you seen how your head turns when a cute guy walks past us? I figured it out because I know that look. I’m pretty sure the increase in hot eye candy was the reason I wound up going to the chiropractor freshman year.”
If Chase had been standing, he’d have staggered backward at my roundabout admission. “Wait. You’re gay?”
“Uh, yeah.” This was one of those times being raised in the family I was, made me the oddball. I’d known since I was little that my uncle and his friends were gay. I hadn’t had to worry about coming out to my mom. His surprise made me realize that maybe I could have helped him relax and settle in if he’d seen there was nothing to worry about with being gay. “But we’re not talking about me, you’re supposed to be explaining why you got upset with me.”
“I told you, I’m not upset with you,” he reiterated with a sigh. “I need to get over myself. I know you didn’t mean anything. And he’s not a homophobe. He was weird at first about it but then he relaxed. It was…other things that made him say that.”
“What sort of things?” I pressed because it was obvious he needed to get this out of his system. Not being pushy was great, but if it was tying him up in knots, I’d try a different tactic.
Chase shook his head. He pulled his feet up to the seat of the chair, curling himself like a pill bug, with his face buried between his knees. Okay. “I can’t. Maybe someday, but I’m not ready yet. Can you accept that?”
“It’s not about accepting anything, Chase,” I explained to him. Fuck, I needed to get out of there because everything I did made the situation worse. “I want to be friends. Friends lean on one another. And if that dickhead made you feel like shit because of something you like, then fuck him.”
I stood, rubbing his back as I passed him. Maybe we’d both feel better after a couple of days apart. If I came back to our room and acted like this morning hadn’t happened, we could move along.
I balled up the sheets from Chase’s bed. He’d have to use the crappy school-issued ones for tonight, but he’d thank me later. He stared blankly at the wall for a drawn-out moment, then picked up a pencil and started tapping it against the edge of the desk as he went over his project. I didn’t say a word as I ducked out of the room.
“You seem distracted tonight,” Mom said as she sliced the meatloaf. Man, I must have really looked like hell today if she was pulling out the big guns. When she put a bowl of roasted potatoes and carrots on the table between us, I started to worry. This was her we need to talk go-to meal. It was what she’d made the night I finally came out to her. It was what we had the night she wanted to ask how I felt about her dating, when she’d never had a boyfriend that I could remember. “Is everything okay at school?”
“Yeah, it’s tougher this semester but that’s to be expected,” I said. She tapped her knife against the edge of the plate, waiting me out. I stared at her, wondering if she was the one who had something to say because I sure as fuck didn’t. “Oh, and I have a new roommate. I was hoping to have the room to myself but that was probably a bit optimistic.”
“Is he a friend of one of your suitemates?” Most of the suites in our building were people who had applied in groups or knew someone who was in the suites. That was also how our building got a reputation as party central, but there were some things parents didn’t need to know.
“No, he had an issue with his old roommate and housing decided to toss him in with me.” I stabbed a slice of meatloaf, lifting it onto my plate. It was for the best that Chase hadn’t come home with me if mom had something to talk to me about, but damn, I wanted to see the look on his f
ace when he bit into this meal. I’d have to pack some up tonight and set it aside to take back with me.
“Are the two of you not getting along?” Mom asked. She seemed more content to watch me eat than bother dishing any up for herself.
“No, it’s nothing like that,” I assured her. I debated how much I should tell her. If she knew he was struggling, she’d want to take him under her wing, and I wasn’t sure how that would go over with him. At the same time, maybe he needed someone taking care of him for a change. From what he’d told me about his family, he’d been the caretaker to his younger siblings, which was part of why he’d applied to colleges across the country from them. They were easier to deal with from thousands of miles apart, he’d said.
“Then why the frown? It’s not going to be another Drake situation, is it?” Mom had loved Drake and she’d been pissed at him for wasting his potential.
“No, nothing like that. He might be more focused on school than I am,” I admitted. Mom’s eyes widened and she smiled, knowing that was a good thing. She’d hammered into me the need to get an education, whether college, trade school, or whatever was necessary to set myself up for a good life. I’d listened because, as much as I admired her drive when I was a kid, I didn’t want to struggle to make one payday meet the next. “I think he’s worried about trying to fit in. He barely leaves our room and when he does, it’s because I’m goading him into it.”
She frowned. “I can see how that would be worrisome. And I know you want to help him, Jayden, but you also need to remember not everyone wants to be helped.”
“I know that.” Mom scowled at me when I rested my elbow on the table to prop up my chin. I crossed my hands in front of me. “Sorry. I’m just… It’s stupid that I’m dwelling on this, but he seems like a really cool guy and I don’t want him holding himself back.”
“Just make sure you’re careful.”
The conversation faded as both of us focused on eating. The food settled like lead in my belly. I glanced up at her occasionally, waiting to see what bomb she was going to drop.
There wasn’t one, and that made me even more nervous. After we finished eating, I offered to clear the table and load the dishwasher. It was the least I could do since she’d cooked. I hadn’t planned on her using that as an opportunity to start my laundry.
“Um, Jayden,” Mom called out, concern dripping off the words. “Is there something you want to tell me?”
I froze, wondering what in the hell Mom had found in my wash. It couldn’t be the prostate massager. I’d used it a couple of days ago, but it was definitely washed and put away. My dildos were all in a secure footlocker at the end of my bed. I hadn’t used any of them since I’d gotten back to school because I didn’t want to freak out Chase. My collection of cock rings were collecting dust, since they weren’t fun to use without a partner.
Nope. Nothing sexual I could think of.
It’s safe to say an oversized pacifier was below the bottom of the list of things I’d expected her to have dangling from her finger when she entered the kitchen. I swallowed a few times, trying to convince myself that was actually what I was seeing. And where in the hell had it—
Oh shit.
I averted my gaze and pursed my lips while I tried coming up with a lie that wouldn’t throw my new roommate under the bus. No fucking wonder he was such a tangled ball of nerves.
“I think I can explain,” I said, although I still had no fucking clue how. Chase’s kinks weren’t mine to share with others, especially when he hadn’t been the one to tell me.
It made more sense now, but I didn’t have the slightest clue how I was going to make him understand even this wouldn’t send me to housing screaming for a new roommate.
4
Chase
By the time I finished pulling my bed and dresser away from the wall, flipped the mattress, and poked around in every inch of my bag before turning it inside out, I was convinced I would have no other choice than to pack my suitcases and figure out how to live on the streets until the end of the semester. I didn’t want to think about where my binkie might have gone, especially when the only possibility that remained was Jayden had inadvertently taken it with him when he’d pulled the sheets off my bed. I wanted to be angry with him, but that didn’t seem fair when he was only trying to be a good roommate.
I watched the clock at the bottom of my laptop screen. I hadn’t gotten anything done today, too obsessed with how things were going to play out when he got back from his mom’s house. Best case scenario, he’d pretend he knew nothing, and we could go about life as planned. Worst case? I’d be out on my backside. I really hoped it wasn’t the latter this time. I was starting to like Jayden, and I’d even gotten to know Matt and Brandon, the guys who shared the double next to us. They were nice. Matt was hyper all the time, and he’d knocked on the door at least half a dozen times today, wanting to know if Jayden was back from his mom’s yet. The last time, I’d gotten irritated with him and promised I would send Jayden over there once he got back.
When Jayden still wasn’t in the room by eleven Sunday night, I figured that was a pretty good indication that he’d found my secret and wasn’t taking it well. Best case, he was weirded out and needed time to forget. Worst case, he was hiding at his mom’s until housing gave me the boot again.
I crawled into my bed, hugging Pika tight. I was not going to cry myself to sleep. Whatever was done was done, and being a big baby about it wouldn’t help.
I pulled my blankie over my eyes when bright light shined over my face. I had no clue what time it was, and I wasn’t brave enough to look, just in case Jayden was glaring at me in the dark.
“Hey, sorry I’m so late,” Jayden whispered.
“‘S okay,” I responded. “Did you have a good weekend?”
“Eh, it was decent. Pretty much just kicked back and helped Mom with a few things.” His voice got louder and quieter as he walked around the room. “She wants to meet you, by the way.”
“She does?” I pressed a palm to my chest, trying to calm my racing heart. My secret had to still be safe, otherwise there’s no way he’d be talking to me about meeting his family.
“Yeah, so one of these weekends I’m going drag you home with me,” he warned. “I think you’ll like her and my uncle. They’re good people.”
I had no doubt about that. They’d raised Jayden, and he was one of the most understanding people I knew.
“Go back to sleep, Chase. You can tell me about your weekend when we get up.” The gentle cadence of Jayden’s voice soothed me. It was crazy how quickly I was growing used to hearing him tell me to go to sleep. I wondered if he even realized he did it. I flipped onto my side, pulling my blankie under my chin, stroking it against the side of my face.
To keep from annoying Matt and Brandon too much, I’d started setting a vibrating alarm on my phone for a few minutes before Jayden’s started blaring. It gave me time to wake up and get out of bed without having to scramble for his phone. I was not ready for the sight that greeted me that Monday morning.
My binkie sat on Jayden’s dresser, right next to his phone. There was a note scribbled and propped up behind it. Without thinking twice, I popped the binkie into my mouth and started sucking on it as I flopped into the bean bag next to Jayden’s bed. I had to sit because my knees were weak, and crumpling to the ground was a very real possibility.
I’m not creeped out or angry. We all have our quirks. I hope, someday, you’ll believe that I’d never judge you. Don’t worry, I won’t bring this up unless you do. And you can, you know…
No way could he mean that. He was just trying to make me feel better. If I talked to him about it, he’d ask questions and I didn’t have any answers. I couldn’t explain why things like my binkie, Pika, and my blankie made me feel better. I wished I didn’t need them because they were weird.
I stashed everything away before Jayden’s alarm went off. No way was I going to be that reckless again. I shook Jayden, making sure he was
awake before retreating to the bathroom. As soon as I got back to the room, he disappeared. His silence didn’t worry me; he was never chatty before he had a full cup of coffee in his system.
As scary as it was, I quickly dressed and wandered to the other end of the suite, where Brandon was already working on breakfast. “Do you need any help?”
“Oh, hey!” Brandon glanced over his shoulder as he pulled a bag of frozen sausage links out of the freezer. “If you want, you can get these in the oven.”
I hadn’t actually expected him to let me help. From what everyone in the suite had said, this was his domain, and if Brandon was cooking for us, we were better off waiting for instructions. “I can do that.”
“How are you settling in?”
“Fine.” Small talk wasn’t something I did. I should probably ask him something in return, but I couldn’t think of anything that wouldn’t sound dumb.
“Did Jayden make it back last night?”
“Yeah.”
This was painful. I should have stayed in the room and waited for Jayden. But I wasn’t ready to be alone with him when both of us were coherent. I needed some time to get over the fact he knew about me.
“Hey babe—” Matt bounded around the corner, stumbling over his feet when he realized he and Brandon weren’t alone.
They’re together? Weird. Jayden hadn’t mentioned anything about there being a gay couple in the suite when he’d been trying to get me to see that it didn’t matter if I was gay. That would have made things a lot easier. Then again, the horror on Matt’s face said maybe it wasn’t common knowledge.
“Hey, Chase. I didn’t realize you were out here,” he said, brushing against my back as he squeezed through to get a coffee cup. “I heard Jayden in the room and figured you were hiding out waiting for him.”
