Little Masterpieces of American Wit and Humor, Volume II

by W. W. Jacobs

  ROBERT JONES BURDETTE

  THE ARTLESS PRATTLE OF CHILDHOOD

  We always did pity a man who does not love childhood. There issomething morally wrong with such a man. If his tenderest sympathiesare not awakened by their innocent prattle, if his heart does notecho their merry laughter, if his whole nature does not reach out inardent longing after their pure thoughts and unselfish impulses, he isa sour, crusty, crabbed old stick, and the world full of children hasno use for him. In every age and clime the best and noblest men lovedchildren. Even wicked men have a tender spot left in their hardenedhearts for little children. The great men of the earth love them. Dogslove them. Kamehame Kemokimodahroah, the King of the Cannibal Islands,loves them. Rare and no gravy. Ah, yes, we all love children.

  And what a pleasure it is to talk with them! Who can chatter witha bright-eyed, rosy-cheeked, quick-witted little darling, anywherefrom three to five years, and not appreciate the pride which swells amother's breast when she sees her little ones admired? Ah, yes, to besure.

  One day--ah, can we ever cease to remember that dreamy, idle, summerafternoon--a lady friend, who was down in the city on a shoppingexcursion, came into the sanctum with her little son, a dear littletid-toddler of five bright summers, and begged us to amuse him whileshe pursued the duties which called her down-town. Such a bright boy;so delightful it was to talk to him. We can never forget the blissfulhalf-hour we spent booking that prodigy up in his centennial history.

  "Now, listen, Clary," we said--his name was Clarence FitzherbertAlencon de Marchemont Caruthers--"and learn about George Washington."

  "Who's he?" inquired Clarence, etc.

  "Listen," we said; "he was the father of his country."

  "Whose country?"

  "Ours--yours and mine; the confederated union of the American people,cemented with the life-blood of the men of '76 poured out upon thealtars of our country as the dearest libation to liberty that hervotaries can offer."

  "Who did?" asked Clarence.

  There is a peculiar tact in talking to children that very few peoplepossess. Now, most people would have grown impatient and lost theirtemper, when little Clarence asked so many irrelevant questions, butwe did not. We knew that, however careless he might appear at first,we could soon interest him in the story, and he would be all eyesand ears. So we smiled sweetly--that same sweet smile which you mayhave noticed on our photographs. Just the faintest ripple of a smilebreaking across the face like a ray of sunlight, and checked by linesof tender sadness just before the two ends of it pass each other at theback of the neck.

  And so, smiling, we went on.

  "Well, one day George's father----"

  "George who?" asked Clarence.

  "George Washington. He was a little boy then, just like you. One dayhis father----"

  "Whose father?" demanded Clarence, with an encouraging expression ofinterest.

  "George Washington's--this great man we were telling you of. One dayGeorge Washington's father gave him a little hatchet for a----"

  "Gave who a little hatchet?" the dear child interrupted with a gleamof bewitching intelligence. Most men would have betrayed signs ofimpatience, but we didn't. We know how to talk to children, so we wenton.

  "George Washington. His----"

  "Who gave him the little hatchet?"

  "His father. And his father----"

  "Whose father?"

  "George Washington's."

  "Oh!"

  "Yes, George Washington. And his father told him----"

  "Told who?"

  "Told George."

  "Oh, yes, George."

  And we went on, just as patient and as pleasant as you could imagine.We took up the story right where the boy interrupted; for we could seethat he was just crazy to hear the end of it. We said:

  "And he told him that----"

  "Who told him what?" Clarence broke in.

  "Why, George's father told George."

  "What did he tell him?"

  "Why, that's just what I'm going to tell you. He told him----"

  "Who told him?"

  "George's father. He----"

  "What for?"

  "Why, so he wouldn't do what he told him not to do. He told him----"

  "George told him?" queried Clarence.

  "No, his father told George----"

  "Oh!"

  "Yes; told him that he must be careful with the hatchet----"

  "Who must be careful?"

  "George must."

  "Oh!"

  "Yes; must be careful with the hatchet----"

  "What hatchet?"

  "Why, George's."

  "Oh!"

  "Yes; with the hatchet, and not cut himself with it, or drop it in thecistern, or leave it out in the grass all night. So George went roundcutting everything he could reach with his hatchet. At last he came toa splendid apple tree, his father's favorite, and cut it down and----"

  "Who cut it down?"

  "George did."

  "Oh!"

  "--but his father came home and saw it the first thing, and----"

  "Saw the hatchet?"

  "No; saw the apple tree. And he said, 'Who has cut down my favoriteapple tree?'"

  "What apple tree?"

  "George's father's. And everybody said they didn't know anything aboutit, and----"

  "Anything about what?"

  "The apple tree."

  "Oh!"

  "--and George came up and heard them talking about it----"

  "Heard who talking about it?"

  "Heard his father and the men."

  "What was they talking about?"

  "About this apple tree."

  "What apple tree?"

  "The favorite apple tree that George cut down."

  "George who?"

  "George Washington."

  "Oh!"

  "So George came up and heard them talking about it, and he----"

  "What did he cut it down for?"

  "Just to try his little hatchet."

  "Whose little hatchet?"

  "Why, his own; the one his father gave him."

  "Gave who?"

  "Why, George Washington."

  "Who gave it to him?"

  "His father did."

  "Oh!"

  "So George came up and he said, 'Father, I cannot tell a lie. I----'"

  "Who couldn't tell a lie?"

  "Why, George Washington. He said, 'Father, I cannot tell a lie. Itwas----'"

  "His father couldn't?"

  "Why, no; George couldn't."

  "Oh, George? Oh, yes."

  "'--it was I cut down your apple tree. I did----'"

  "His father did?"

  "No, no. It was George said this."

  "Said he cut his father?"

  "No, no, no; said he cut down his apple tree."

  "George's apple tree?"

  "No, no; his father's."

  "Oh!"

  "He said----"

  "His father said?"

  "No, no, no; George said, 'Father, I cannot tell a lie. I did it withmy little hatchet.' And his father said, 'Noble boy, I would ratherlose a thousand trees than have you tell a lie.'"

  "George did?"

  "No; his father said that."

  "Said he'd rather have a thousand apple trees?"

  "No, no, no; said he'd rather lose a thousand apple trees than----"

  "Said he'd rather George would?"

  "No; said he'd rather he would than have him lie."

  "Oh, George would rather have his father lie?"

  We are patient, and we love children, but if Mrs. Caruthers, of ArchStreet, hadn't come and got her prodigy at this critical juncture, wedon't believe all Burlington could have pulled us out of that snarl.And as Clarence Fitzherbert Alencon de Marchemont Caruthers patted downthe stairs, we heard him telling his ma about a boy who had a fathernamed George, and he told him to cut down an apple tree, and he saidhe'd rather tell a thousand lies than cut down one apple tree.

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* * * *

  In the House of Representatives one day Mr. Springer was finishing anargument and ended by saying, "I am right, I know I am; and I wouldrather be right than be President." He stood near the late S. S. Cox,who looked mischievously across at him and said as he ended, "Don'tworry about that, Springer; you'll never be either."