by Tonya Kappes
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. All rights reserved. No part of this publication can be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, without the permission in writing from the author or publisher.
Edition: January 2012
Copyright © 2012 by Tonya Kappes
All rights reserved.
What others are saying about Tonya Kappes’ novels:
“Full of wit, humor and colorful characters, Tonya Kappes delivers a fun, fast-paced story that will leave you hooked!” Bestselling Author, Jane Porter
“Fun, fresh, and flirty, Carpe Bead ’Em is the perfect read on a hot summer day. Tonya Kappes’ voice shines in her debut novel.” Author Heather Webber
“Tonya Kappes strings together the perfect blend of family, friends, and fun.” Author Misa Ramirez
“I loved how Tonya Kappes was able to bring her characters to life.” Coffee Table Reviews
“I love, love, love this book. I enjoyed reading about Hallie's friendships and her trials and tribulations. Her Aunt Grace was a hoot, especially the pink poodle. Too darn funny. As you already know I was crying and I had to put the book down. That, makes a truly awesome read for me, because I became a part of the story and loved Aunt Grace as much as Hallie.
Again, this was worth the wait and I can't wait to read your next story.” Reader, Dru Ann
“I don't write many reviews but some books are so outstanding I just have to. This is one of them. Tonya Kappes is one of the freshest new voices in women's fiction, and I can't wait to read more from her.” Reader, Melissa Lapierre
"This book was fun, entertaining and good to the last page. Who knew reading auras could get Olivia in so much trouble? Sit back, smile and cozy up to Splitsville.com, where Olivia does the dumping for you. There's heap loads of humor, a dose of magical realism, sprinkles of romance, and mystery when someone ends up dead!" Author Lisa Lim
“This book was funny and clever with a unique premise. I truly couldn't put it down.” Author Diane Majeske
“Tonya Kappes has written a fast paced cozy mystery that kept me guessing till the end. Full of likeable characters, Splitsville.com is humerous and I was caught up in the story right from the beginning. I'm definitely looking forward to more books in this series!” Author Sheila Seabrook
“Unique, imaginative, funny, with a tantalizing mystery to boot. What more could one ask. But there was more ... compassion and passion ... Olivia is an animal lover with the good sense not to become jaded by her "day job" of helping people break up. She gets the guy, solves the puzzle and rises above all of life's messy situations. Aunt Matilda was the icing on the cake ... as I said ... PURE MAGIC.” Reader PJ Schott
Also by Tonya Kappes
Carpe Bead ‘em
Something Spooky This Way Comes
Believe Christmas Anthology
An Olivia Davis Paranormal Mystery
Splitsville.com
Grandberry Falls Series
The Ladybug Jinx
Happy New Life
A Superstitious Christmas
Never Tell Your Dreams
A Divorced Diva Beading Mystery Series
A Bead of Doubt
A Magical Cures Mystery
A Charming Crime
Non-Fiction
The Tricked-Out Toolbox~Promotional and Marketing Tools Every Writer Needs
Dedication
This book is dedicated to everyone who is true to themselves. No matter how different you are, you are you! Embrace it!
Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else. ~Judy Garland
Color Me
Love
An Olivia Davis Paranormal Mini-Mystery
By
Tonya Kappes
One
“Hi, Is Rebecca there?” I looked at Rebecca Seaton’s photo sent in by her soon to be ex-boyfriend. Nick Brooks sent in to my online breakup service, Splitsville.com.
That’s one of the requirements. The client has to send in a picture of the dumpee, plus a few personal questions only the client and dumpee would know the answers to. That way when the dumpee hits the disbelief stage in “the process,” I can throw out one of the secrets.
“Speaking.” The chipper voice on the other end of the phone was about to get a lot less chipper.
“I’m Jenn from Splitsville.com, and Nick is breaking up with you.” I just stated the facts. There was no reason to go into detail at this point. And Nick had paid extra to have the breakup voice recorded and participate in the Valentine’s Massacre Special, at which I will email immediately to him after Rebecca and I hang up.
“Wait, who are you?” There was a little panic in Rebecca’s voice.
I looked at her picture again, and gave her a sympathetic smile, even though she couldn’t see it. Not necessarily bad looking, but the four cats that were surrounding her seemed to be the focus of her attention and not poor Nick, who was in the background with a scowl on his face.
“I’m Jenn from Splitsville.com. I’m calling on behalf of Nick. He is breaking up with you.” I use Jenn as an alias. Olivia Davis was my real name, but I’ve found that my online breakup service pissed a lot of people off and I don’t want to find my real self at the end of that line.
Yeah, yeah. I know. . .it sounds heartless breaking all these peoples’ hearts, but why would they want to be in a relationship when the other person doesn’t?
Especially around Valentine’s Day.
I tapped the handy breakup stages that are tacked up on the bulletin board behind my monitor with my fingertip. It was a list that hasn’t failed me or Splitsville.com yet.
Let me back up a little bit. Splitsville.com started a couple of years ago when a friend wanted to dump her boyfriend. She was a big chicken, so I did it for her. Called his ass up, broke the news and Splitsville.com was born.
Here’s how it works. Clients contact me through an online form where they give their name, email address, working phone number for the dumpee, reason for dumping, a few details of their relationship, and a picture of the victim and, the most important part, payment in full. The reason for the cashola up front was in case the dump was a joke. In that case, they deserved to lose their money for being an ass and I deserved to keep it for having to deal with them.
I offered three “Breakup” packages. The cheapest and most popular is “the general breakup” for a low price of fifty dollars. “The engagement breakup” is a little steeper at one hundred dollars. It totally should be more because I couldn’t imagine being in the fiancé’s shoes on this one. And the worst and most expensive breakup of all is “the divorce breakup” setting the big jerk or jerkette back a mere two hundred dollars.
Anyway, I used a list I call “the process.” It was the steps that each dumpee goes through before they believe that they’ve been dumped. I only keep the list so I know how much longer I’m going to be on the phone with the dumpee.
The Process
1. Panic (This is the first emotion when they hear the words breakup).
2. Disbelief (They think I’m playing a joke on them).
3. Defensive (After they realize I’m not joking, they want to explain their side).
4. Explanation (They want me to explain the situation all over again).
5. Denial (This is where they take it out on me and deny my existence).
6. Anger (Awww…this is where my ear drum gets busted).
7. Acceptance (Finally!) They have to acknowledge the breakup and I can end the
c
all.
And today I didn’t have a lot of time. My best friend Erin was opening up a new dating service, Color Me Love.
Ironic? Maybe.
But I offered my services to help her. You see, I have “a gift.”
Reading auras was my “gift” as some people call it. I call it—chains. I’m locked into my life of suffering. I see auras. People’s auras, animal auras, you name it.
I didn’t really know what it was as a child. I quickly learned not to talk about it. My dad left when I was eight and the only memory I have of him was yelling at my mother.
“Damn it, Dawn.” He’d say, “You’ve got Olivia believing in that crap.” And he’d grab me and scream, “Don’t you dare go around telling the town folk about your crazy colors. They’ll lock you up in juvie.”
I didn’t know what juvie was, but I knew it didn’t sound good. Momma and I’d kept our mouths shut, that is until Aunt Matilda found out daddy left us and she came to stay.
“Be proud of who you are!” Aunt Matilda would look deep into my eyes. She gave me scarves to match the auras I’d describe to her and she made me skirts with all the colors of the rainbow in them.
That’s when I wished Aunt Matilda was my momma instead of Dawn. Then, one day momma went to the market and never came back. For the longest time, I thought I’d actually wished her away.
But all that’s in the past.
Still, I’m going to be helping Erin out at Color Me Love. Actually, I’m going to sit behind a two-way mirror window reading the client’s aura while Erin interviews them.
I will tell Erin which suitor will be the best match for her client based on their aura compatibility.
That way, they won’t see me, but I will be able to see their auras. She has to do this one suitor at a time or my senses go all haywire. This was one of the other reasons I started Splitsville.com. If I focus on too many people at once, I pass out. And that becomes very hard to explain once you do it several times a day. Plus, I’ve been fired a lot because they think I’m a liability.
I clicked over to my PayPal account and made sure Nick had paid for my services. I was happy to see the payment was made.
“Who is this?” Rebecca laughed into the phone. “This is a joke, right?”
“Oh, Rebecca, I never joke about breakups.” I took the list off the bulletin board. “I’m Jenn from Splitsville.com.” This time I said it a lot slower. I’m tired of repeating myself. And I do a lot of that in this job.
And tapped the first stage in “the process.”
Panic.
Here it comes.
“Splitsville dot what?” Rebecca’s voice was a tad more serious. “Why would Nick give you my number?”
Wow! We made it to the second stage of “the process” pretty fast. Disbelief.
“Actually, he hired me to break up with you through my online breakup service, Splitsville.com.” I try to get the words out as fast as I can, because as soon as the dumpee hears the word hire, they freak. “And he’s breaking up with you because you’ve turned into the cat lady. He said that four cats in one apartment are very annoying.”
I had to pause to catch my breath. I attached the phone headset to my ear so I can go let my dog, Herbie out to pee.
I looked out the front window. Usually my Aunt Matilda was here by now, but I didn’t see her truck. I glanced at my watch and noticed that I had to hurry up. Don’t want to be late for my new gig.
“There has to be a better reason than that,” Rebecca said.
“Nope.” I led the way to the back door and let Herbie out into the fenced in yard. I waved and then put my finger up to my mouth when I saw Aunt Matilda pull her truck into my driveway. That way she’d know I was on a dump. “Nick said that your apartment stinks, your clothes stink. And guess what? He doesn’t’ even like cats.”
I laugh out loud while I walked into the kitchen with Aunt Matilda behind me. I grabbed an extra mug and filled them up with coffee before I headed back to my office and plopped down in my chair.
“Well, he said he did.” Rebecca shot back.
“A cat, Rebecca, one cat. Not four.” I had to get to the point. I pulled out the secrets Nick listed on his form so Rebecca would believe me and begin to accept the fact that Nick had dumped her. “He says he doesn’t like the cat in the room when you two are intimate.”
“You mean sex?” Rebecca questioned. “They are cats.”
“Do you bring one of the cats in the bed after you are finished having sex?” I know this one is going to hit below the belt, but he said it. I read it right from the form he had to fill out. “Eww…what about all that hair?”
“You know what, this is a joke.” I could hear Rebecca fiddling around in the background.
I knew I’d gotten her attention. Time to move in for the kill.
“Rebecca, do you understand that Nick has broken up with you?” I had to get her acceptance recorded.
“So he hired you?” Rebecca headed right into the denial stage of “the process.”
I was hoping we could skip this stage. I glanced at the clock on my office wall, and Aunt Matilda sitting in the leather chair next to the window in my office. She tapped her fingernail on her watch.
Aunt Matilda was a retired palm reader, and she will come in handy (pun intended) at Color Me Happy. Erin thought it would be a great idea to use Aunt Matilda and her knowledge of reading love lines.
Aunt Matilda and I would do anything to help Erin’s business succeed. We thought Erin’s last business, Plan It, was a brilliant idea. It was a party planning business that did really well until the economy crashed.
Then people started serving their own pigs in a blanket and cheap box wine. And Plan It went belly up.
Unfortunately, a lot of businesses left Park City. Even our very own SPCA where I met Bradley, who introduced me to the furry love of my life, Herbie.
Really, I met Bradley while I was working a kissing booth for the SPCA fundraiser that Plan It coordinated. I’d do anything for Erin, even volunteer at the kissing booth. Bradley just happened to be standing in line for a kiss for a donation to the SPCA of course. He had me at blue aura.
Needless to say, I helped out a little around the SPCA while trying to clear Erin and myself of murder charges, and fell head over heels in love with Herbie. It was really only going to be temporary. Herbie was going to be my watchdog because it became clear someone was framing Splitsville.com when two of my clients turned up dead. Thank God, I was cleared of any charges and Splitsville.com would remain anonymous.
Herbie was suppose to go back to the SPCA, but he wormed his little schnauzer self into my bed and my heart, while Bradley took a new job at another SPCA across the country.
“I said he hired you?” Dumpee Rebecca bought me back from Memory Lane, along with Aunt Matilda clearing her throat.
“Yes he did. And let me repeat,” I paused, “he’s breaking up with you because you are turning into the cat lady.”
“Whatever. Is he going to let me borrow his car for a veterinarian appointment next week?” Rebecca asks as if I was Nick’s handler.
“He’s breaking up with you.” I tap the six stage of “the process.”
Anger.
“But he said I could borrow his car because mine’s in the shop.” Rebecca’s voice escalated.
I gestured for Aunt Matilda to go on without me. Rebecca wasn’t accepting this very well and it was taking much longer than I had anticipated.
“I don’t know about next week, all I know is that Nick is breaking up with you today. He’s dumping you and your cats.” I hated to be harsh, but Rebecca needed a good dose of reality.
“Who are you again?” The anger in her voice dripped through the phone.
I took another look at her five-five frame and wondered if she was a true redhead. She certainly matched her orange calico cats. This was one time I wished I could read auras through the phone. I’d put money on it that she was an environmental tan.
“I’m
Jenn from Splitsville.com.” I swear I say that so much, I rehearsed it in my sleep. “Nick hired my online breakup service to break up with you and your cats. Am I going to see you on some cable reality show about animal hoarders? Am I?”
I know…insensitive, but in reality, I’m the biggest sap you’ll ever meet. I love to be in love, I love for people to be in love. But sometimes it was not love.
“No, I take good care of them.” Rebecca said softly.
I listened closely. I’m about to get the seventh and final stage of “the process.”
Acceptance.
“Rebecca, why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be with you anymore?” I didn’t wait for a reply. “Your four cats just cost you your relationship.”
There were sniffles on the other end. I prayed Rebecca was getting it.
“Rebecca, do you understand that you and Nick are broken up?” I held my crossed fingers in the air. If she gives me the yes, I can hang up and be at Color Me Love on time.
“Yes. Fine.” She slammed down the phone.
Thank you.
Two
Color Me Love was a perfect name for what was really going on behind the scenes. The night that Erin decided to close Plan It, Aunt Matilda said that she had a vision that Erin was going to open up a dating service.
After too many vodka and cranberries, we came up with the idea for Color Me Love. We started out joking that if we placed couples together by their auras, Color Me Love would get a great reputation and Erin’s list of clients would take off. Millionaire Matchmaker would have nothing over Color Me Love. Hell, Erin might be able to get a reality show out of it.
