by Tonya Kappes
Erin slammed her door.
Herbie jumped on the couch and scratched around the pile of clean clothes, reminding me I needed to fold them.
“Between you and me,” I whispered to Herbie and looked down the hall to make sure Erin wasn’t listening. “I’m going to snag my own date with Joel.”
I had concocted a plan to look in the Color Me Love filing cabinet for Joel’s file. He was single or he wouldn’t have sent in the online dating form, then go as far as showing up for the interview. He also had to have a job, because that was one of the requirements.
I would get the file, write down his address, and use my cool spy tools to figure out what I needed to do to meet him. After all, I did solve a couple of murders.
I was a master at dumping people. I was going to be a pro at matching them!
Five
The next day, Erin had gotten up early to go into Color Me Love. She was going to set up the dates between Buddy and the client and Joel and the client.
Thank God I was only involved in the initial process, because I would sabotage the client date with Joel. Plus, I had my own business to take care of.
I sashayed into the office and started my computer. Immediately, my emails began to ding. I glanced over to see that I had over ten more dumps to add to my already busy schedule.
It was time to switch gears and get back to breaking hearts.
“Hello, is Emma there?” I asked when a girl answered the phone.
“Who is this?” Emma asked.
“I’m Jenn from Splitsville.com and I’m calling for Ron. He hired me to break up with you.” I pulled up the file Ron had sent me.
I thought maybe her name reflected how she looked, a red-headed, green-eyed beauty, but boy was I wrong. I had to laugh at the outdated slanted blonde hair cut. The two-toned streaks gave me an immediate impression. Ron was right.
“Who is this again?” Emma sounded a bit confused.
“I’m Jenn for Splitsville.com and Ron hired me to break up with you.” I began the process.
“Is that a website or something?” She asked.
“Yeah, that would explain the dot com part of it.” I told her. Ron was right, she wasn’t very bright. “Anyway, Emma, Ron hired me to break up with you because he said that you are stupid. He is tired of having endless conversations about nothing. He said that you talk about your nails, your hair, and your clothes.”
“I have to look good.” Emma interrupted.
“I never said you shouldn’t look good. But you need to get rid of that hairdo. It was so Kate Gosling ago.” I snickered.
I’m not saying I’m some fashion queen, but it didn’t take a fashion genius to see that Kate had a bad haircut. She even thought so, or she wouldn’t have gone and gotten extensions.
“I say a lot of smart things too.” She was in the denial part of the process. “We talk about the weather.”
Hmm. . .yep, not smart.
“I’m beginning to think that Ron isn’t the only one who thinks you’re stupid.” I said.
Okay, that was a bit harsh, but really?
“He said that you sit around watching dumb movies and going out to stupid clubs. He wants to take you to nice restaurants, but he’s afraid you are going to act stupid.” I read word for word what Ron had sent me.
I heard a click and the phone line went dead.
“Hello?” I questioned the silent line.
Oh my, did she just hang up on me?
“Hello?”
Now that just flat out pisses me off. I dialed the number again.
“What?” Emma did not want to accept what was happening.
“Hi, Emma. Please don’t hand up on me again.” I began all over again. “Do you understand that Ron is breaking up with you?”
“Listen, Jenn. I do go to great clubs. We dance. We have fun!” She shouted into the phone.
“Apparently, that’s all in your blonde head. Ron isn’t having fun and those aren’t the types of clubs he likes to go to.” I informed her.
“You said he paid you. How much?” She asked the golden question.
“He paid me fifty dollars. That is how much ending this relationship is worth to him. Fifty dollars.” I spewed like a faucet.
“If he has a problem with us, he can call me.” Emma said.
“He does. Do you understand he has broken up with you?” I was becoming frustrated. She was really stupid.
“You don’t have the right to do this.” Emma said smugly through the phone.
“Yes, I do have the right. Ron has dumped you. Emma, it’s over.” I slammed down the phone.
How’s that for hanging up on someone? I looked down at my ringing cell phone.
I took the computer earplugs out of my ears when I noticed it was Erin’s cell.
“What’s up?” I answered, trying to put myself back to my real self.
“Where are you and what are you doing?” There was panic in Erin’s voice.
“I’m at home dumping people on the eve of the biggest love day of the year.” I tried really hard to forget last year’s Valentine’s Day when Bradley took me to our favorite pizzeria on the outskirts of town, Pete’s Pizzeria.
I quickly hit send on Ron’s file so he knew he was free from Emma, and then shut down my computer.
“Listen, my car broke down and I need you to go to the Heifers and Ho’s Dude Ranch to meet Buddy for his date.” She said. I could tell she was on the verge of crying.
“Where is the big secret client?” I asked.
Damn! If I’d known she wasn’t going to show up, I’d have sent Joel on the date, then I wouldn’t have to sneak and get his number.
“She got tied up. I need you to pretend to be her.” Erin now sounded panicked.
“Whoa there, Nelly!” I screamed.
There was no way I was going to Heifer’s and Ho’s Dude Ranch. I was not going to go on a date where they offer bucking broncos. The last time I rode a bull was in college at Smokey Scott’s Bar. And then it was only for free beer night.
“Nelly?” Now Erin was just plain confused.
“It’s an expression. No, I won’t pretend to be your ‘super secret client’.” I walked into the kitchen and through the family room to let Herbie out the back door.
I loved my tree-lined land. It was perfect for the privacy I loved and the chain-link fence was great for Herbie to roam freely without me having to watch him.
“You have to.” Erin protested. “You are my best friend and I need you to pretend to be Jennifer.”
“Jennifer? You’re secret client is Jennifer?” I asked.
All the famous Jennifers ran through my head.
“Oh! My! God!” I screamed into the phone and jumped up and down. “Jennifer Aniston is your client!”
“What?” Erin was annoyed. “No, not Jennifer Aniston. I wish, but somehow I don’t think she has problems getting a date on her own.”
“Jennifer Lopez?” I took another shot.
“Hello! Jenny from the block is not going to be dating Buddy from the burbs.” Erin sounded frustrated. “I just want you to pretend to be Jennifer. After this I will show you her picture and tell you who she is. But this is the first date for Color Me Love. I really need you.”
When she put it that way, it made it hard for me to refuse. She’s always been there for me and she was trying hard to make this business work.
“Fine,” I agreed. “But I will not ride one of those bulls. Do you understand?” I made sure to tell Erin up front that I wasn’t happy. “And he is going to think that Jennifer is the biggest bitch in town.
I slammed down the phone, let Herbie in, grabbed my keys, jumped in the Toyota and headed to Heifer’s and Ho’s Dude Ranch.
Six
I’ve driven past the sign a million times on the way out to Pleasure Ridge Park and never once had the urge to stop. The wooden sign that towered over the dirt drive like a bridge read: Heifer’s and Ho’s Dude Ranch. The antlers, one each side of the sign,
were barely hanging on.
The things you do for friends, I thought, wondering which poor animals those antlers came from. I needed to remind myself what a great friend Erin had been through the years. Her loyalty was unwavering.
It was easy for me to pretend to be Jenn from Splitsville.com, so Jennifer, super secret client, from Color Me Love should be a cakewalk.
The scenery was amazing, totally taking me by surprise. The long ranch style home was nestled perfectly in front of the mountainous background. A group of men in cowboy hats were twirling lassos in the air in a pasture just to the left of the house.
Beyond that, there were at least two hundred head of cattle in a different pasture. My math could have slightly been off, but I knew it was a lot of beef.
There were women, men and children roaming all around the property. I’d heard about the ranch but never actually heard of anyone coming here.
Lucky me. . .I’d get to experience it first-hand.
Damn! They must not be doing too poorly, because I had to pull my old Toyota into the overflow parking area in a grassy field next to the gravel parking lot. I scanned the license plates on the cars as I drove by and there were many out-of-state tags.
“Ewww.” As soon as I got out of my car, I stepped into what looked like a pie. Not an edible pie. . .a cow pie.
I dragged the bottom of my shoe in the grass, hoping get off the stinky poo. Off in the distance, an orange glow was coming from one of the white rocking chairs on the long front porch. And it became orangier the closer I got.
Buddy.
His aura gave it away.
This really made my stomach churn. I had to wonder what type of daredevil stunt he had in mind.
Evil Kenevil was an orange, and we all know where that got him.
I walked up to the steps on the long country porch. Buddy slowly sat up on the edge of his chair.
All the rockers were taken and all eyes were staring at me. For a brief moment, I thought I was at a Cracker Barrel Restaurant.
“Hi, Buddy.” I tried not to make eye contact in fear of passing out.
It wasn’t passing out that frightened me, it was falling in shit.
His ten-gallon cowboy hat was definitely not a good look for him, but he didn’t care. He was dressed for the part.
“You can’t be Jennifer.” He said.
There was disappointment in his face and in his voice.
Great! I if couldn’t get Buddy to remotely think I was attractive, there was no way in hell Joel would glance twice at me.
I stared at him and began to laugh hysterically.
“What?” Buddy looked down at his ridiculous metal belt buckle and then down to his boots.
I wanted to tell him he looked like a big pumpkin with a cowboy hat on, but I didn’t.
“Nothing, William.” I put my hand over my mouth to contain my smile. “Yes, I’m Jenn. . .Jennifer.”
I put my hand out for a friendly shake. That’s the least I could do, but he stuck his hands in his 501’s.
“I go by Buddy, and was looking for a black convertible Mercedes, not a beat up. . .” Buddy glanced over my shoulder.
“Toyota?” I finished his sentence.
“Oh, is that what that is?” His nose curled as if my Toyota smelled worse than the ranch. He looked me up and down. “Did you lie on your Color Me Love profile?”
“No. I’m Jennifer and my Mercedes is in the shop.” I lied. Man, did Erin owe me. “That’s my gardener’s car. I didn’t want to stand you up.”
He crossed his arms. “The outfit? I told Erin it was dude ranch, not garbage clean up.”
“Hmm…my maid was out sick and hasn’t gotten my laundry finished.” I still loved my ratty old sweatshirt with the coffee stain.
I never thought to change my clothes.
“Fine.” Buddy wasn’t too impressed. “You could’ve at least worn boots since you knew we were going to be roping steer.”
Roping steer? This was getting worse by the minute. Erin really was going to owe me big time.
I rolled back on the heels of my tennies. They were a bit old and dingy, but it was Buddy, for crying out loud.
“I’m sorry, fashion prince. Your skin-tight jeans weren’t on your profile either. Besides, I picked you when I could’ve picked a lot of better looking guys.” I crossed my arms to match his stance. “Maybe this isn’t going to work out.”
“I think you are right, and Erin was wrong about you.” He pointed his finger at me, and then turned.
The rocking chairs squeaked as the other people on the porch slowly rocked, all of them staring at me.
“Fine with me, William!” I screamed into the air and stomped down the front steps back to the grassy parking lot.
“My name is Buddy!” He yelled back through gritted teeth as he brushed past me heading to the barn.
I was right. Buddy was a no and so was his cranky aura. I just saved super secret client, Jennifer’s ass.
I got in my Toyota, making sure I jumped over the present one of those steers had left for me. I looked in my rear-view mirror just in time to see a guy being thrown from a bucking bronco.
I laughed so hard seeing that ten-gallon hat fly high up in the air when the horse threw him off and he landed flat on his ass.
I’d have known that pumpkin aura and ten-gallon hat from anywhere.
I put my car in drive, knowing exactly why I had never been to Heifer’s and Ho’s and didn’t plan on it again.
Dust flew from under my tires. I couldn’t drive out of there fast enough.
I stomped on the brake pedal and the car came to a screeching halt. I tried to squint beyond the bright blue light, but it was as though the sky opened up and was ready to eat my little Toyota and me.
Dust flew up around my car from the tires sliding to a halt. I closed my eyes tight and reopened them. The blue light was blinding, I had to focus on the brown loafers I saw, or at least that was the last thing I remember.
###
“Hi.” The male voice came in loud and clear, but the image was fuzzy. “I think she’s waking up.”
A slightly rough palm felt my forehead as if checking to see if I had a fever.
I blinked my eyes until the image came into partial focus, but I tried not to focus too much. I could feel all the people around me and I was sure the auras would just knock me out again.
“She’s awake,” a lady said and rushed out of the room. “I’m getting a wet cloth.”
“That’s a great idea.” The guy sitting next to me on the bed confirmed.
The last thing I remember was the sky parting, but the bright blue light was still there. I turned my head to focus on where I was.
Damn dude ranch. I thought for sure I was getting the hell out of there.
“What’s your name? Do we need to call someone?” The blue parted, and Joel was sitting on the bed with his hand on my forehead.
I tried to sit up, but he suggested I lay back down.
“Let’s just wait until Jill comes back.” He turned and looked out the door. “She’ll know what to do.”
“I. . .” I stammered. “I do this all the time. I pass out.”
No freakin’ wonder. The sky wasn’t opening up. It was Joel’s blue aura and my heart colliding.
“Didn’t you do this at Color Me Love?” His green eyes pierced me.
“Oh, you remember?” I had hoped he didn’t recognize me. It completely put a crimp into my plans.
“It’s not every day that someone faints on you. Especially the same woman twice in one week.” He smiled, melting my heart a little more. “My name is Joel.”
“Nice to meet you, Joel.” I tried not to stare too much in fear I’d pass out again. If I was going to try to capture his blue aura, I’d have to figure out a way to look at him. “I’m Olivia Davis.”
“Here. Put this on your head.” Jill shooed Joel away and made herself comfortable in his spot. “Joel, can you please go help Davey with the cattle? I’ll take
care of her.”
Joel shook his head. “Nice to meet you, Olivia.”
Wait! I wanted to call out, but he was gone.
“Do you think you can stand?” Jill asked.
“I’m fine, it happens all the time.” I smiled. “Job hazard.”
Little did Jill know how true that was.
“Let’s get you into the kitchen and get some food in your stomach.” Jill placed her hands under my armpits to help me up.
I stood for a moment and realized my equilibrium was good when Joel wasn’t around. I followed her into the massive ranch kitchen where large pots hung over a stainless steel counter.
“I’m Jill. I own the ranch. You met Joel, my nephew. He just moved here for his new job.” Jill said, dumping the contents of several different bowls into one large bowl and then mixing them together. “I’m making the dessert for today’s guests. We have over one hundred people a week that love to come and ranch.”
One hundred people? Who in their ever-loving mind would want to vacation on a dude ranch? The smell alone made me gag. And Joel was her nephew?
“I’m making some banana nut bread. I love the smell.” Jill fanned the air above the bowl and inhaled.
“I have a secret ingredient for banana nut bread.” I boasted. Aunt Matilda was a great baker and I’d learned a lot from her.
I always asked her what her special ingredient was that she used. Her standard reply was a pinch of love.
“Oh, yeah?” Jill stopped mixing the batter, and put her hands on the counter. “Care to share?”
Anything for a blue aura.
“Just a tad bit of nutmeg really does bring out the flavoring. And no one will ever know.” I winked and looked through the spice rack on the counter. I handed it to her.
“No, you do the honors.” She took the measuring spoons out of the drawer and handed them to me.
Quickly, I measured out the single-tablespoon that makes the banana nut bread taste so good and tossed it in Jill’s mixing bowl as she mixed away.
“I guess I better get going.” I patted my pockets for my keys, but they weren’t there.
“Are you sure you’re okay to drive?” Jill asked.
