Me, You and Tiramisu

by Charlotte Butterfield

  ‘Said the actress to the Bishop,’ Will smirked.

  ‘Alright Dirk. Jayne, it’s beautiful, and so suits you. Any thoughts on the big day?’

  ‘Well, the way I’m feeling at this exact moment, this bathroom looks like it may do the job, because I’m never leaving it.’

  Will made a deliberate scan of the room and then shook his head, ‘Nah, you’d never get an organ in here.’

  ‘Said the actress to the Bishop.’ Will and Rachel chorused. Almost involuntarily Jayne started chuckling, along with her sister and Will. The three of them had sat side by side on the floor of their cramped bathroom for nearly two hours, taking it in turns to swig from the bottle of Bombay Sapphire Will had retrieved from the booze cupboard under the kitchen sink. Jayne had swayed between self-indulgent and sobbing to self-righteous and indignant, before finally settling somewhere between the two.

  ‘Okay. I’m ready to read it now,’ Jayne slurred.

  ‘I’ll get it.’ Rachel got unsteadily to her feet and rested her hand on the door handle to try and stop it moving. ‘But get ready to be really, really sick again.’

  Jayne sighed loudly as she clutched the newspaper in front of her and started scanning the long interview. She didn’t really know why it was so long; her mother had never been one for long monologues, or welcomed in-depth discussions, so either she had broken a habit of a lifetime and the journalist had managed to break down barriers she and Rachel never could, or, more likely, there was an awful lot of rubbish in there. Will and Rachel exchanged a tentative glance as they both waited for Jayne’s reaction.

  The Pain of Miss Jayne Brady

  The mother of Will Scarlet’s new fiancée exclusively reveals the tragic set of events that led to the birth of her twins.

  The surprise announcement of heart throb chef Will Scarlet’s shock engagement this weekend has led to us all asking who the woman is that has captured his heart? Today we learn that there’s much more to the staid English teacher than we first thought. Crystal Brady, Jayne’s mother, opens up about the biological father of Jayne and her twin sister Rachel, who doesn’t even know his daughters exist.

  Crystal’s delicate hand quivers as she places her teacup back onto its saucer and her small voice cracks with emotion, ‘I was a child on the cusp of adulthood enjoying a long and lazy summer backpacking around Thailand when my world changed forever … I had led a sheltered, conservative upbringing, and knew nothing of the world. It never occurred to me that there might be people, men, out there that might see this unworldliness as an invitation. For over thirty years I’ve carried with me the shame and disgust at what had happened to me, that it’s eaten away at my soul …’

  Jayne looked up at her sister. ‘Hang on a second?’

  ‘I know. Keep reading.’

  Six weeks into her planned year-long adventure, Crystal Brady struck up an unlikely friendship with a fellow traveller also staying at Paradise Bungalows on Kho Pha Ngan beach.

  ‘Hardly unlikely, he was male.’

  ‘Keep reading.’

  They spent the evening swimming in the azure waters of the Gulf of Thailand and enjoying a barbecue around a campfire with some of their fellow travellers. It was on the penultimate day of the man’s holiday, before he left for India, that Crystal claims he took advantage of her virtue.’

  Rachel knew by Jayne’s sharp intake of breath which part of the article she’d got to. ‘Is she saying that she was raped?’ It came out of Jayne’s mouth as a hoarse whisper, computing the enormity of this allegation was beyond her.

  ‘Keep reading. That’s not the worst bit.’

  Three months later, Crystal made the astonishing discovery that she was pregnant. ‘When I found out I was expecting, my first thought was repulsion that I had a lasting reminder of that day, of that experience, growing inside me. But then I realised that God had given me this baby as a gift, to make up for the experience. A gift to cherish, to nurture and to mend my brokenness. When I found out it was twins it merely doubled my delight.’ A small tear slowly runs down Crystal’s cheek as she painfully admits, ‘My parents wanted me to have a termination, but I couldn’t have the blood of two babies on my hands. Two innocent babies, made in a moment that they were not to blame for. I’ve never even spoken about it until now; I’ve always thought it best for everyone if I hide my anguish from the world, from my beautiful girls.’

  Jayne looked up at Rachel from the paper, tears running freely down her cheeks. ‘It’s not true. It can’t be true,’ she whispered hoarsely.

  ‘Of course it’s not true! I was on Skype with Granny most of the afternoon yesterday and she’s so upset about it. That’s the opposite of what happened. Crystal had already been to an abortion clinic and Granny found the leaflet in her pocket and convinced her not to go though with it. She said that she and Pops would even raise us if Crystal didn’t want to, but she absolutely could not abort us. She said that she remembers it as though it was yesterday.’

  ‘Why did she never tell us?’ Jayne asked, the tears falling as though they would never stop, ‘We’ve asked her enough times about it all?’ Her voice had risen to levels of near-hysteria; the gin had amplified, not numbed, her emotions.

  ‘She said that she didn’t want us ever to think that we weren’t wanted, she didn’t want us to resent Crystal or know what she actually planned to do.’

  ‘But Crystal made it painfully obvious every day of our lives that we were a massive hiccup in her life, knowing she wanted to get rid of us wouldn’t have been a massive shock. And what’s all this rape business about? She told us that she and Neil had a ‘spiritual connection’ and that the moon had brought them together. She made it sound as though the planets had aligned purely for them to get naked.’

  Jayne carried on reading. A heaviness had started to settle in her stomach and she could feel her heart pounding as she skimmed over the reporter’s descriptions of where they now lived and worked. Jesus, they’d even named the design company Rachel worked for and the school she did.

  ‘Obviously I’m proud of both my girls, but I always knew that Jayne would go on to achieve greatness,’ Crystal ventures with the delight only a mother can summon. ‘I call her my Plain Jayne Superbrain. I’ve always made sure she knows that other people’s looks can fade and yet her cleverness will last a lifetime … I must admit I did expect her to be an award-winning screenwriter or a character actress, there are plenty of parts that don’t necessarily call for beauty.’ Crystal exhibits her characteristic frankness when asked about her daughter’s relationship with Will Scarlet. ‘When Jayne first introduced me to Will, I was as surprised as anyone,’ she freely admits. ‘I’m still not completely convinced that money didn’t change hands,’ she laughs shrilly, ‘or perhaps she slipped a love drug in his drink, it’s quite an odd match. But my Jayne is a perfect example of someone who overcomes adversity every day and relies on the power of her brain to succeed’ …

  Jayne threw down the paper in disgust. ‘She makes me sound like Stephen Hawking. What is this woman on? And they paid her for this?’

  ‘Yep. And quite a bit, I’d imagine. But anyone who knows you would know it’s all a load of bull,’ Will threaded his fingers through hers. ‘So, seriously, forget about it.’

  ‘Forget about it? What the hell? Saying that I’ve paid you to be with me, or even worse, drugged you because you clearly can’t have simply chosen to be with me because I’m evidently so frickin’ hideous! Jesus Christ.’ Jayne motioned to the open page on her lap. ‘And she’s given them all these photos of us as kids. I didn’t even know she had any pictures of us!’

  ‘She didn’t,’ Rachel replied. ‘She went round to Pine Grove late on Friday night just after the first stories broke about the engagement and asked to see Granny’s old photo albums for nostalgia reasons, or at least that’s what she told Granny, and then when Granny had popped off to the loo she’d slipped them into her bag. You need to speak to her J, she’s blaming herself for leaving her alone w
ith the pictures, and feels a fool for being taken in by her again. She’s in a pretty bad way.’

  ‘It’s not her fault, Crystal’s just a–’ Jayne sighed, exhausted, ‘I’ve actually got no words for what Crystal is. And she’s given them all these pictures from our Christmas as well! I saw her with her phone quite a few times and actually thought that it was sweet that she wanted to capture the moment. Yeah, right.’

  Will took the paper off her legs, scrunched it up into a ball and lobbed it into the bin with the finesse of a pro basketball player. ‘It’s gone. No more. Come on, it’s late, and you’ve got school tomorrow.’

  ‘How the heck am I meant to stroll into assembly, sing a hymn and pretend that nothing is happening? This time last week I was Miss Respectable, Miss Boring Brady, and now I’m all over the papers! And this is just what’s in print. What’s on the web?’ Jayne’s eyes were wide with the sudden realisation that she may have just blindly crashed into the very tip of the metaphorical iceberg.

  ‘Don’t even go there. Life’s too short for reading about yourself. Did I just say that? Who am I? I don’t recognise myself,’ wondered Rachel. ‘Seriously, though, you’ll drive yourself mad by looking for stuff that probably isn’t there. Yes, you might get a few odd looks tomorrow, but laugh it off and flash your diamond at them – that’ll soon shut them up. If it doesn’t, punch them in the face with the rock facing outwards.’

  ‘Wise words. If I do that, the day after I’ll be in the paper for entirely different reasons. Seriously, though, there’s no way I can go in tomorrow.’

  ‘If you don’t, the day after will be even harder. You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of, just go in, act normal, laugh it off and by lunchtime everyone will have completely forgotten about it,’ Will stood up and pulled on Jayne’s hands. ‘But first, call Abi. You’ll need an ally first thing and they don’t come more loyal or fierce than her.’

  Chapter 17

  Abi’s phone had vibrated for about a millisecond before she breathlessly answered it. Jayne had tried to sound outraged, or at the very least incredibly annoyed, but faced with her best friend’s outpouring of earnest apologies and genuine concern she managed a sentence or two that were laced with mild irritation before bursting into exhausted tears.

  Will was right, though, Jayne thought, as she inched her way forward through the ten or so photographers and reporters who were lining the pavement outside the school’s driveway. She needed a friend inside the staffroom today. Ken, the school’s security guard, whose sole duty up until this morning was to catch smokers and stop kids snogging each other while wearing their distinctive bottle-green uniform, had stepped up to his new role as bodyguard with alacrity. He waved her through the throng, shouting ‘Mind your backs!’ – a phrase she’d never really understood as it was normally said to people facing outwards, so they should really be minding their fronts. Ken tipped his imaginary cap in response to her wave of thanks, before turning his newly acquired superiority back to the bloodthirsty horde.

  ‘How are you doing, love?’ Abi asked after she’d enveloped her in a big hug at the side door of the school. She’d been the first person in the building today, waiting patiently by the entrance, not wanting Jayne to walk in alone. In the twenty-five minutes that she’d stood there she must have heard references to Jayne about once every thirty seconds from the teachers and students who brushed past. She felt so guilty that the original story broke because of her, her stomach lurched every time she heard Jayne’s name mentioned.

  She had been so happy when Jayne had called her with the news of the proposal, it didn’t even occur to her to filter the information before sharing it with Dirk.

  Dirk, who, as Will had prophecised, was indeed a jerk. Who would do that? Sell out someone for a few quid? Or even a few thousand? She couldn’t imagine doing that to anyone for any amount of money. Then to not hear from Jayne for the next two days was unbearable – she’d really thought she’d blown their friendship completely. There’s a moral to that story, she thought, even great sex can be very, very bad.

  Jayne’s face had taken on an ashen tone overnight and dark shadows under her eyes contradicted her response of, ‘I’m alright.’ She shrugged, ‘Not really expecting the welcoming committee outside.’

  ‘Let’s get a quick coffee before assembly. Come on.’ Abi took Jayne’s arm and steered her through the foyer, which was filled with inquisitive eyes and tactless pointing. Abi kept up a constant stream of questions about the Cotswolds in a vain attempt to smother the murmured whispers that were rebounding around the hallway. Jayne knew what she was doing and was thankful for her friend’s desperate attempts at distraction, and although she pretended not to hear the mirth and not to see the mocking stares, of course she did.

  The whole day passed in a daze, her mind far away from set texts, SATS and mock exam papers. Jayne didn’t really know what was worse, the brusque bluntness of her students, who asked her in no-nonsense terms, ‘What it’s like to shag Will Scarlet because he’s so hot, Miss?’ or the overly bright enquiries of her fellow staff as to what she did over the weekend and enthusiastic declarations of the weather’s loveliness at the moment. What was it Stanley had said about addressing the elephant in the room?

  Jayne wondered briefly what Stanley had thought of his new wife’s latest stunt. She couldn’t imagine he’d have been terribly impressed with Crystal’s shameless cash-for-answers trick, but then knowing her mother the way she did, she didn’t doubt she’d have concocted a creative spin on it, making her appear a blameless victim. Fluttering eyelashes and doe eyes concealed a quagmire of fake virtue where Crystal was concerned.

  It had also crossed her mind that Neil may have read the article and recognised himself in Crystal’s gushing memoir. But, then again, her mother’s rendition of events bore no resemblance to the truth, so even if he had picked up the paper (which Jayne thought was doubtful, as in her mind he was a broadsheet reader and not a fan of the red tops) he probably wouldn’t have experienced a jolt of recognition.

  They were two lust-struck teenagers high on adventure looking for a way to mark their entry into adulthood – hardly the heart-wrenching tale of violation Crystal had billed it as. Who would even lie about that happening to them?

  Jayne had battled with her perpetually itching fingers for about twenty-four hours now, ignoring their involuntary flexing at the sight of a keyboard. She really wanted to type her name into Google, but she knew that once that particular Pandora’s box was opened, it might never close again. But, then again, better the devil you know. Ignorance is bliss. Knowledge is power. Out of sight, out of mind. Better to know either way. She was driving herself mad with conflicting idioms pulling her first one way and then another.

  Being an English teacher she was doubly cursed. Little sayings and quotes from literature kept popping into her head, giving her constant subliminal messages. Mark Twain’s ‘A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes,’ urged her to tell her side of the story; Jane Austen’s ‘A woman, especially if she have the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can,’ advised her put her head down and keep quiet.

  Part of her wanted to crawl inside a cocoon and hibernate, but then another voice inside was encouraging her to beat Crystal, Dirk, Sara and the crappy ex-boyfriends at their own game, to do an interview that shut everyone up.

  It was so unlike her to want to speak out, to court controversy, but she had such a strong feeling of being wronged she felt compelled to put it right. She’d talk to Will about it; see what he thought. The bell sounded, signalling the end of lesson time and she honestly had no recollection of even greeting her last class, let alone actually teaching them anything. How was she going to do this again tomorrow? And the next day?

  ‘So how was she?’ Will asked her as she re-entered the kitchen later that night. He spooned a heap of rocket leaves next to the mound of chunky chips on her plate before sliding her medium-rare steak alongsi
de it. ‘About as good as you were expecting or worse?’

  Jayne cocked her head to one side, considering the question. She’d put off calling Helen all day and only relented and called her grandmother after Rachel had thrust the phone inches from her face, refusing to move until she had dialled the familiar number.

  ‘She was okay. Kept apologising for leaving Crystal alone in her room and for being taken in by her. Again. I told her that I could understand it; of course you never want to think the worst of your own child. This is it, though – she said that she’s had it with Crystal. She’s even written a letter to the editor of The Globe saying that they should be ashamed of themselves for perpetrating libel and that Crystal’s account should be discredited, so let’s see what that does.’

  Her sigh was louder than she meant it to be as she sank onto one of the breakfast-bar stools, prompting Will to reach over and stroke her arm. ‘Granny said that even Stanley’s moved out into a hotel because he’s so ashamed of what Crystal’s done.’ Ashamed was actually a bit of an understatement. He’d told Helen he felt gullible, used and manipulated.

  When Crystal had first told him her version of the twins’ conception he’d been horrified, pulling her close to him, stroking her hair and suggesting that it wasn’t too late to get the authorities involved. The speed at which she’d shouted, ‘No! No need for that!’ rang dim alarm bells for him, but it wasn’t until Helen had stormed round there after the newspaper article that he’d seen Crystal for what she was. ‘Jeez, poor guy, sinking so much money into her house and then having to kip in a hotel.’

  ‘I know. I’ll call him in a few days when I don’t feel like hysterically sobbing every other minute.’ Jayne cut into her steak. ‘This is great, thanks, darling.’

  ‘It was the least I could do after dragging you into all this. If I had just stayed a humble deli owner, we’d be blissfully left alone and none of this would have happened.’

  ‘But I’d be wearing a much smaller diamond,’ Jayne managed a rueful smile.