Behind the Bars

by Brittainy Cherry

  “I’ll wait with you.”

  “No,” I snapped. She frowned, and I felt awful. I just didn’t need her to be there to watch my panic attack take place. I didn’t need to give her any more reasons to feel sorry for me. I was already embarrassed enough. “I mean, I need five minutes to breathe a little. I need a moment by myself.” I added a smile at the end to make her smile too.

  “Promise you’ll come in?”

  “I promise.”

  She nodded in understanding, even though I was one of the hardest people to ever understand. “Okay. I’ll get us some drinks.”

  “Okay.”

  Her hand finally left my forearm and she reached for the door. But before she stepped foot inside, she turned back to me. “Elliott?”

  “Yes?”

  “I don’t feel sorry for you. Sometimes you look at me like you think I feel sorry for you, and I just want you to know that I don’t. I think you’re great the way you are.”

  “I’m a little messed up,” I told her, placing my hands on the back of my neck.

  “I know—that’s why I like you.” She smiled. It was the kind of smile that made my armpits sweat. “Because I’m a little messed up, too.”

  The second she walked inside, I hurried off the porch. I reached into my pocket and pulled out my iPod. Music always helped me before anything terrifying. Whenever I forgot to breathe, I’d put my earbuds in and lose myself in my favorite sounds: jazz music.

  Duke Ellington.

  Charlie Parker.

  Ella Fitzgerald.

  So many great legends lived inside of my iPod, so many mind-blowing talents.

  My uncle TJ had taught my sister and me all about the greatest jazz musicians in the world. I was almost certain ‘Miles’ and ‘Davis’ had been my first two words, and they’d be the last two words I’d say on my way out.

  Music was my therapy, and after a few songs, I always felt stronger. It was crazy how jazz fixed the broken pieces of me every time, how the sounds always took me back to a safe place in my soul.

  Life was hard sometimes, but maybe God gave us music as his apology.

  I looked around Todd’s home. He came from money, and the acres and acres of land were signs of his wealth. We obviously lived very different lives. To the left were orchard fields, and to the right, horse stables. Todd often tried to impress the girls at school by telling them about all the horses his family had. The thing Todd did best was show off—he was a professional at doing so.

  I walked toward the stables, because animals often brought me more peace of mind than any human ever could. As I opened the stable door, I froze. Todd and three of his idiot friends were sitting there drinking beers with lighters and whips in their hands. They were standing in one of the stalls with a horse, cussing and hitting her with the whips, making her whimper in pain.

  “What a dumb bitch,” Ted Jones said, laughing as he flickered the lighter by the horse’s face. “I should set part of her tail on fire,” he mocked.

  “Dude, I’ll give you fifty bucks if you do it,” Keaton said, egging him on.

  “Shit, I’ll give you fifty, too,” Todd said with a laugh.

  As Ted grew closer and closer to the horse’s tail, panic built more and more in my chest. I knew these guys were assholes, but I hadn’t realized just how much until I listened to the horse whimper and cry in pain.

  “S-s-s-stop!” I hollered, my voice trembling as I stared wide-eyed at the guys.

  It happened immediately—the attention shifting from the horse to me.

  My stomach dropped.

  My armpits sweated.

  But I didn’t regret speaking up, not if it meant helping the defenseless animal.

  “Who invited fucking Bones?” Todd hissed.

  My chest tightened, and I tried my best to avoid all eye contact. Be invisible. I hated anyone’s attention on me. I hated how I felt them judging, staring, belittling me for the simple fact that I looked the way I did.

  “Leave that horse alone,” I said timidly. I was always so timid; I hated it.

  They hurried over to me and started shoving me around, just like they always did.

  “Who said that you could come to my place, freak? Huh?” Todd barked.

  “J-J-Jasmine said I could come with her?” I answered, unintentionally saying it as a question.

  “Jasmine?” Ted questioned. “That bitch isn’t your friend. She probably brought you here for us to have a good laugh.”

  “No. She’s my friend,” I argued.

  “Oh?” Todd started walking toward me and cocked an eyebrow. “What, do you have a crush on her or something, Bones?” He laughed, and all the others joined in with him. “Dude, you think you have a shot with someone as hot as her? Come on, man. You couldn’t even get any ugly pussy if you tried, let alone a hot one like her.”

  I swallowed hard.

  Pussy.

  I hated that word.

  I hated how they talked about girls. My sister would’ve hated how they talked about girls, too. My father, he wouldn’t have cared. They reminded me of him sometimes—most times, really, so heartless, cold, and angry for no real reason.

  I hated my father.

  I hated them, too.

  “Listen, Bones, let me do you a favor.” Todd wrapped his arm around me and gave me a sheepish grin. “I’m gonna go inside and fuck the living hell out of Jasmine Greene. I’m going to screw her until she can’t walk straight. I’m going to screw her until she stutters like your dumb ass. Shit, we’ve all been screwing her for weeks now, the damn whore. Then I’m going to let her tell you to your face how you’re so far from her type. It will be a great lesson in teaching you to stay on your level and not try to hang out with the big dogs on campus. I’m going to make the bitch my bitch.”

  My hands formed fists and I stood up a bit taller. “She’s not a b-b-bitch!” I hollered.

  I didn’t realize what had happened until the stinging set in. I didn’t notice my reaction until my fist came back down and I saw the blood on my knuckles. I hadn’t known I had it in me.

  “Motherfucker!” Todd shouted, stumbling backward, holding his hand over his nose. “He fucking broke my nose! I’m going to ruin you,” he barked.

  “Get him!” Ted hollered, and three of the guys grabbed me by the arms and started dragging me across the stable. I tried my best to get out of their grips, but I wasn’t strong enough.

  They were stronger. They were always stronger.

  I’m not strong enough.

  I’m not strong enough.

  “Toss him into one of the stalls!” Todd ordered, blood gushing down his face. “Your life is about to be a living hell, Bones!”

  Ted pushed me into a stall and I slammed against the ground, terrifying the horse that was in it. I’m sorry. I stumbled to my feet, but before I could get my footing, they locked me inside.

  No.

  I hated being locked in places. I hated having no way out. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t, I couldn’t…

  “Let m-me out!” I yelled.

  “No fucking way,” Todd snapped. “You did this shit to yourself.” He stood tall for a moment and dropped his hands down, revealing a wicked grin. “Speaking of shit…” Oh no. “Boys, get those shovels and come over here.”

  “Wait,” I cried, the adrenaline I’d had coursing through me seconds before completely gone. “Don’t,” I begged.

  They didn’t listen and were quick to grab the shovels.

  “Now go into the other horse stalls and collect all the shit,” he ordered his followers.

  They did as he said, and I backed into the corner of the stable, knowing what was coming next. They collected so much horse crap and began slinging it over at me, hitting me with shit continually. They laughed as I covered my face with the palms of my hands. It only went on for a few minutes, but I swore it felt like years.

  It was everywhere. I felt it. I tasted it. I gagged repeatedly, unable to breathe. Wet, mushy, and disgusting…in
my hair, in my shoes, down my shirt. I curled myself into a ball and tried my best not to breathe in the disgusting smells that engulfed me.

  Todd slammed his hands against the locked door and shouted, “That will tuh-tuh-teach you to not get in my way ever again, you little prick. Now, I’m going to go fuck Jasmine, but don’t worry—I’ll let her know you had to leave and get back to being a nobody.”

  They left me there alone after shutting off the lights.

  I tried to stand up, but I slipped in the horse poop.

  I couldn’t breathe.

  I couldn’t move.

  I couldn’t do anything at all.

  So, I just sat there, quiet, alone, and broken.

  Chapter Seven

  Jasmine

  “You’re finally here,” Todd said, walking up to me on his front porch. I’d been standing there for a few minutes, waiting for any signs of Elliott. Todd gave me his smug smirk and wrapped his arm around my shoulders. “How about I give you a good reason to stay a bit longer?”

  “What happened to your nose?” I asked, stunned by his bloody face.

  “Don’t worry about it. How about we go inside and get situated?”

  I rolled my eyes. “I’m actually waiting for a friend,” I replied, sliding his hand off me.

  “Boney Bones?” he asked.

  “Elliott,” I corrected. “What happened to your face?” I asked again.

  He ignored my question. “You’re joking, right? About Bones?” Todd laughed, tossing his hands up in confusion. He narrowed his eyes and said, “That dude’s a fucking joke, so you must be kidding.”

  My eyes moved over to his group of friends coming out of the stable, and I stood up a bit taller. “Elliott’s my friend.”

  “Then you’re stupid. I’ll be your friend,” he said suggestively, wrapping his arms around me. I took a breath, feeling the unease caused by Todd’s touch on my body, feeling uncomfortable due to his proximity, feeling a little dash of fear.

  “Don’t,” I whispered, pushing him away.

  “Stop acting like you don’t want it. I know girls like you.”

  “Girls like me?” I huffed, still trying to claw his hands off my skin. The moment I could rip myself away, I hurried down the steps as his followers laughed.

  “Yeah, girls like you—easy whores,” Todd hollered, making my skin crawl. “Remember last week when your lips were wrapped around my cock?” he asked. “Easy.”

  I’m not a whore, I’m not a whore…

  My mind was fogged, and one of Todd’s followers looked my way. “Everyone knows you love screwing around with guys, Hollywood.”

  “Leave me alone.” I started walking away, unsure where I was heading, unsure what had happened to Elliott.

  “You just committed social suicide,” Todd barked. “You might as well go hang out with that fucking loser in the stable.”

  I paused. “What did you do to him?”

  The guys started laughing, and Todd raced his blood-tinted hands through his hair. “Let’s just say he got himself into a shitty situation.”

  My hands balled into fists, and I started back in Todd’s direction. “If you hurt him—”

  “He hurt himself by being a little bitch. Come on, guys. Let’s go find some chicks without herpes.”

  Assholes.

  I darted toward the stable, unsure what I would find when I entered. As I opened the door, my stomach formed knots and I hurried inside, checking each area in search of Elliott. The smell of horse poop was strong, and I covered my nose with my T-shirt, trying not to gag.

  “Eli?” I whispered, my voice low as I saw him balled up in the corner. He hadn’t looked up once and was rocking back and forth with his head tucked between his knees. I hurried over to the gate and unlocked it. “Oh my God…” I started in his direction, and he stood quickly, completely thrown off. As he turned around, he flinched, as if he was terrified it was someone else coming into the space. His eyes were wide, and I noted his earbuds were in.

  When he realized I wasn’t one of the jerks, his shoulders sagged. Then, the embarrassment set in.

  “It’s okay,” I told him, taking a step in his direction.

  “No!” he ordered, holding both hands up. “Don’t.”

  I stood still and watched him gag, spitting up. When he was done, he blinked hard and walked past me, hurrying outside. I followed after him.

  “Elliott!” I called.

  He paced back and forth. “I sh-sh-shouldn’t have come! I shouldn’t h-have come!” he stuttered over and over, his hands shaking.

  “We just need to get you cleaned up,” I said calmly, my hands up in an attempt to comfort him. “It’s okay…”

  “There’s shit in my mouth!” he shouted, his anger strong. Then, he took a breath and turned my way. His eyes were filled with sadness and apologies. “I’m s-sorry I c-cussed at you.”

  Oh, Elliott.

  It was my fault. I should’ve never forced him to come to the party. I should’ve never pushed him into a situation like this, but I hadn’t had a clue anything like this would happen. I mostly figured he’d have a chance to stand up to the bullies and I’d be there to back him up, but I wasn’t. I wasn’t there for him when he needed me the most. He had trusted me, and I’d let him down.

  “I c-can’t go home, not like this. I can’t go home. I can’t. My sister, my mom…I told them it was better. I told them the bullying stopped. I-I-I told…” His voice shook and shook as my gut twisted in knots.

  “Come to my place,” I told him.

  He paused his pacing. “What?”

  “You can come to my place and shower. I can give you some of my mom’s boyfriend’s clothes. Your family won’t even know what happened, I promise.”

  “But your family will.”

  I shook my head. “No. Ray took my mom to a concert and then to network afterward. They’ll be out all night. No one’s home.”

  He grimaced. “You’ll have to smell me the whole way there.”

  I gave him a tiny smile. “I’d rather walk next to a poop-smelling Elliott than ever look at a poop-looking Todd again.”

  He gave me a small grin back. I walked over to him, took the sleeve of my shirt to wipe his face clean.

  “Now you’re covered in it, too,” he told me.

  “All for one and one for all, right?” I joked, shrugging.

  “Yeah.” He nodded. “All for one, and one for all,” he agreed.

  We started walking beside each other, and for a few blocks, we stayed quiet. I was surprised once we hit the bus stop that the bus driver even let us get on, but in a city like New Orleans, I was almost certain he’d seen and smelled stranger things.

  “By the way, what happened to Todd’s nose?”

  “I broke it,” Elliott said matter-of-factly.

  “What? How? Why?”

  He shrugged before turning to look out the window. “He called you a bad name.”

  “What was it?”

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  “Eli,” I started.

  He turned my way and locked his hazel eyes with my browns. “Jazz…” He shook his head. “It wasn’t true.”

  I swallowed hard, a big part of me certain Todd’s words held some form of truth.

  Elliott saw it in me—my fear. He kept shaking his head and whispered, “I don’t feel sorry for you. Sometimes you look at me like you think I feel sorry for you, and I want you to know I don’t. I think you’re perfect the way you are.”

  I quietly laughed at him repeating the words I’d told him earlier. A few tears rolled down my cheeks. “I’m a little messed up.”

  “I know.” He nodded. “That’s why I like you.”

  He went back to staring out the window, and I kept staring at him.

  And there it was.

  So small, so tiny, so real.

  Love.

  It wasn’t love, but it was the beginning of it.

  I knew I was young, and I knew it was stupid, but in
that moment, I began to fall in love with the quiet boy who quietly cared for me. The boy who was scared and still strong. The boy who stood up for me when he was surrounded by reasons not to do such a thing. I hadn’t known much about love. I hadn’t known how it looked, felt, or tasted. I hadn’t known how it moved, how it flowed, but I knew my heart was tight and currently skipping a few beats. I understood the goose bumps covering my arms. I knew this stuttering boy who was sometimes so scared was someone worth loving. He was worth being the first one I gave my heart to.

  I knew Elliott Adams was love.

  And I was falling into him so fast.

  I hadn’t felt safe in a very long time, and Elliott gave me that comfort.

  I lay my head on his poop-covered shoulder, and a tear rolled down my cheek. “No one’s ever stood up for me like that,” I told him.

  “I’ll always stand up for you like that,” he replied, making my heart twist and butterflies form. “Because you aren’t the things people say you are, Jasmine.”

  I sniffled and snuggled in closer to him. “And neither are you.”

  “Hey, question.”

  “Answer.”

  “What’s your favorite song?”

  My lips turned up. “‘Make You Feel My Love’, by Adele. Why?”

  “Oh.” He shrugged. “No reason.”

  We walked into my apartment building, leaving a trail of horse poop in our wake, but I didn’t care. My only concern was getting Elliott cleaned up. Once I unlocked the door, he stood in the foyer of the apartment, not moving an inch. I went to my mom’s room and grabbed some clothes I was certain would be five times too big for him, but it was better than nothing.

  “Come on,” I told him, walking back into the living room area. He was still in the same spot.

  “No. I don’t want to track this all over your place. It’s bad enough that it smells so bad.”

  “Elliott, don’t worry. We’ll clean it up. Trust me. Come on.”

  I walked him to the bathroom, but he stood outside the door. “You can shower first,” he said. “I can wait.”

  I smiled. Besides Ray, I had thought the idea of a gentleman was an urban legend. “It’s okay, I’ll use my mom’s shower in her bedroom.”