The Journeying Boy

by Michael Innes

  ‘It will be best’, he said, ‘that you should leave on Thursday, should that be convenient to you.’

  ‘That’s A1 by me, sir.’

  ‘I am glad to hear it. The Heysham boat-train leaves Euston at four fifty-five, and I will arrange that the necessary bookings shall be made.’

  Captain Cox produced a pocket diary. ‘In that case, I had better be along here about half past three.’

  Sir Bernard hesitated. ‘I am afraid,’ he said, ‘that it is a matter in which Humphrey must be a little humoured. I shall bring him to Euston myself and introduce you there.’

  ‘I see.’ Captain Cox sounded slightly dubious. ‘In fact, Humphrey and I will be pretty well pigs in a poke to each other until we are on our way together?’

  Sir Bernard nodded a little stiffly. ‘I trust that you will not find him objectionable. Although difficult, he is really a very attractive lad. Nor do I think that you will find the relations in Ireland altogether uncongenial. They are near a place called Killyboffin. The name is Bolderwood and the family is most respectable.’

  ‘Ah,’ said Captain Cox. ‘They wouldn’t be the Bolderwoods I know.’

  Sir Bernard, who took this for a pleasantry and found it not quite to his liking, signed to the butler for a final glass of claret. ‘I was remarking that the Bolderwoods are of considerable antiquity – I believe in the county of Kent. Latterly, however, the main branch of the family has lived much in South America, where I understand them to have considerable interests. We must not disparage commerce, Captain Cox – provided, of course, that it is on the large scale.’ And Sir Bernard (in whose eyes, as we have seen, shone the awe of one whose universe is on a very large scale indeed) sipped his claret with some complacency.

  Captain Cox, who appeared not given to undercurrents of satirical feeling, concentrated upon writing ‘Bolderwood’ in his diary – a quite new diary, unseasonable to the time of year, which he might have bought for the express purpose of recording the requirements and occasions of his prospective employer. ‘And the address?’ he asked.

  But Sir Bernard’s mind had strayed elsewhere. ‘Humphrey–’ he began – and paused as he observed Captain Cox’s pencil once more travel over the paper. It was perhaps a sleepiness following upon the excellent Paxton claret that this momentarily reduced the young man to an automatism so accurately recalling the jurors in Alice in Wonderland. Becoming conscious of what he was doing, he blushed and hastily thrust the diary into his hip-pocket – this apparently as the most inaccessible place he could at the moment command.

  ‘Humphrey–?’ said Captain Cox.

  ‘I was about to remark that Humphrey, not unnaturally, has a good deal interested such schoolmasters as he has had. It is a pity they have not managed to make a little more of him. Understanding, I am sure, is what he needs. But these people have at times written quite voluminous reports, and it occurs to me that you might usefully run through them. If we take our coffee in the study, it will be possible for you to do so.’

  If Captain Cox reflected that Humphrey himself might be a good deal more illuminating than his reports he had the tact not to say so, and Sir Bernard’s plan was accordingly adopted. Many of Humphrey’s previous preceptors, it turned out, had expatiated at some length on his abilities and shortcomings in Latin, Maths, Geography, Scripture, and similar intellectual pursuits, while others had made remarks on his industry, degree of personal cleanliness, attitude to manly sports, table manners, veracity, loquacity, and sundry other character traits commonly coming beneath a schoolmaster’s eye. Captain Cox conscientiously perused these memorials for about an hour, and at the end of this period informed Sir Bernard that no very clear picture of the boy emerged. Sir Bernard, approving of this honesty, gloomily concurred. He then wrote out a cheque, requested the new tutor to buy a shot-gun and any other necessary gear, led him out into the hall, and bade him farewell.

  As Captain Cox walked away from the Paxton mansion and its magnificence, and as the Paxton coffee continued to settle down upon the Paxton claret, he reflected upon a certain unacknowledged mistrust which had lurked in his consciousness for some time. Was young Humphrey Paxton such that any prospective tutor might be expected to retreat in dismay upon a first ripening of acquaintance? Certainly there was ground for suspecting something of the sort. For, as matters at present stood, they were to meet only in the uncompromising atmosphere of Euston railway station, and some ten minutes thereafter they would be travelling together in an express which made its first stop at Crewe. Was this the cunning of Sir Bernard, who was so plainly a terribly brainy old bird? Captain Cox feared that it was. He had, in fact, let himself in for what might prove an uncommonly tiresome job. But this did not, perhaps, greatly disturb him. He would do his conscientious best with Humphrey. And as they were going to stay with people apparently adequately provided with lakes and streams, there ought to be enough salmon, snipe, and waterfowl to compensate for his tutorial labours.

  No; it was by something else that Captain Cox was obscurely troubled. It had been the occasion of that odd abstraction which had led him into the little misadventure with his diary… Captain Cox, who was now walking through the square next adjoining to Sir Bernard Paxton’s, had advanced so far in his meditations when they were interrupted by the sound of rapidly running feet behind him. He glanced back in time to see a slender youth come dashing round the corner he had himself turned a minute before. ‘Hi!’ shouted the youth. ‘Hold on!’

  Captain Cox halted. That this untidy, fair-haired boy was Humphrey Paxton appeared certain, and he found it necessary positively to brace himself for the unexpected encounter. But his first impression was favourable. The lad possessed a turn of speed and ease of breathing that suggested a very fair athletic trim. Moreover, he looked Captain Cox straight in the eye. ‘Are you my new tutor?’ he asked.

  ‘I am. And I think you were at that keyhole quite long enough to know it.’

  ‘Keyhole?’ The boy appeared momentarily disconcerted. ‘Oh well, why not?’

  ‘It isn’t done. Not by our sort. A housemaid might do it because she isn’t a lady.’ Captain Cox frowned. ‘I mean, might do it if she hadn’t the feelings of a lady. You mustn’t do everything that you see young louts doing in comics.’

  ‘All right. I’ll drop it.’ Humphrey, Captain Cox reflected, appeared suitably abashed. ‘Are we going to Ireland together?’

  ‘Certainly we are. We leave at four fifty-five on Thursday. And I’ve suggested to your father that before that I’d better buy you a gun.’

  ‘A gun? I say, that was jolly decent of you.’ The boy, however dark a view he and the public-school system took of each other, appeared to possess the right articulations – which were made the more attractive in his case by a very slight lisp. Not that Captain Cox was wholly reassured as to his charge, for in the lad’s eye as it confidently met his there was an impression of remote and rapid calculation which, in one so young, was not altogether inspiring of confidence. But his total bearing was frank enough. ‘Couldn’t we,’ he asked, ‘buy it together?’

  ‘Well, perhaps we could. In fact, it mightn’t be at all a bad idea.’

  ‘What about Thursday afternoon? That’s the first time I’m free. Only I want to go to the Metrodrome at two-fifteen and see Plutonium Blonde.’

  ‘Whatever is that?’

  ‘It’s a film with an atom bomb in it. They say it’s absolutely smashing.’

  ‘It might well be that.’ And Captain Cox chuckled, pleased with this unwonted flight of wit in himself. ‘Well, I’m afraid you will have to choose.’

  The boy considered. ‘I say, couldn’t you come to Plutonium Blonde, too? It really is sticking out. We could buy the gun first, and then go to the flicks, and then straight across to the railway station. I’d have sent my things ahead.’

  ‘I think your father was intending to bring you to Euston.’

  ‘Dad can meet us at the station for the proper sort of farewells. Do come.’

  C
aptain Cox considered. This eagerness for his earlier society on the part of the kittle young Humphrey was distinctly gratifying, and his forebodings were beginning to dissipate themselves. ‘We could have the gun sent straight to Euston and put in the Left Luggage,’ he said. ‘And if we met at half past one–’ He made rapid calculations. ‘We could just do it. But I shall consult your father first.’

  ‘Ring him up this evening. Where do we meet?’

  ‘At Bone’s in Piccadilly for a quick snack first. And now you’d better cut along.’ Captain Cox was a great believer in the moral effect of abrupt dismissals of the young. ‘You won’t see many films in Ireland. We shall have other things to do. Goodbye.’

  And Humphrey Paxton’s new tutor strode on his way. The holiday job, he felt, was going to be satisfactory, after all. Snipe drummed and salmon leapt before him as he marched.

  3

  MONDAY AFTERNOON

  Sir Bernard Paxton to Mr Thewless

  DEAR MR THEWLESS, – Since our meeting this morning it has unfortunately proved necessary to make arrangements other than those of the kind then contemplated. I am greatly obliged to you for your kindness in calling.

  Yours v. truly,

  BERNARD PAXTON.

  Humphrey Paxton to Universal Stores

  DEAR SIRS, – Please deliver at once by special messenger one pair of strong binoculars for bird-watching and a good camera (not box). Please send also these books: Biggles Flies East, Biggles Flies West, Biggles Flies North, Biggles Fails to Return, Bertrand Russell’s History of Western Phisolophy, George Moore’s Daphnis and Chloe, Biggles and the Camel Squadron, Bleinstein’s More and More Practical Sex, Blunden’s Life of Shelley, also Atalanta in Calydon, Biggles in Borneo, Women in Love, and any close translations of Caesar’s Civil Wars, Book III and Phaedrus’ Fables. I repeat special mesanger and charge to my account.

  Yours truly,

  BERNARD PAXTON (pp H P).

  Humphrey Paxton to Miss Mary Carruthers

  MY DEAR MISS CARRUTHERS, – I am leaving on Thursday for Ireland. As you know about my wanting to go I hope you won’t mind my writing to tell you. I shall miss not being able to come and see you while I am away but I hope you will let me come when I get back. It has been so very wonderful really meeting you and then hearing you read your wonderful poems. As you know I have not been happy among the oppressive and deadening influences of this place where there is nothing but—

  a world of woes

  The harsh and grating strife of tyrants and of foes

  but I hope that in Ireland amid the influances of Nature (about which you write so beautifully in your Ode) I shall—

  burst

  My spirit’s sleep.

  I have also to read a lot of Latin they say but when I return it will be—

  So now my summer task is ended, Mary,

  And I return to thee, mine own heart’s home.

  I think Latin silly particularly since you said you do not read it very much. But fortunately I shall be able to take some other books won from Opression by Guile!

  nothing that my tyrants knew or taught

  I cared to learn, but from that secret store

  Wrought linked armours for my soul, before

  It might walk forth to war among mankind.

  Your sincere and admiring friend,

  HUMPHREY PAXTON.

  Humphrey Paxton to Master John Potter

  DEAR POTTS, – I can’t come to look at your stamps on Thursday afternoon because I’m going to Ireland – as I jolly well said I would. Actually I’m not going till late in the afternoon but I have to be at the dentists’ all the time before that.

  HUMPHREY PAXTON.

  Humphrey Paxton to Miss Beverley Anne Crupp

  BUXOM BEVERLEY, – I am going away on Thursday afternoon but first I will take you out. Be at the usual place at half past twelve. I will give you a meal and take you to the pictures. I will book two seats in the back row. Do not muffle yourself up as for Siberian snows. Among those wanting to sit beside a cloakroom or clothes-horse—

  Is not Numbered

  H P

  PS – Alas, that love should be a blight and snare

  To those who seek all sympathies in one!

  You need not trouble with this.

  TUESDAY MORNING

  Universal Stores to Sir Bernard Paxton

  DEAR SIR, – We enclose a letter received from your address this morning and await the favour of your further instructions.

  Assuring you of our best attention at all times,

  We remain,

  Yours faithfully,

  J MUIRHEAD

  (Universal Stores Ltd.)

  Telegram to Sir Bernard Paxton

  MUCH REGRET SUDDEN DEATH RENDERS IT IMPOSSIBLE ACCEPT POST AS ARRANGED COX.

  Sir Bernard Paxton to Universal Stores

  DEAR SIRS, – Please deliver the goods ordered on my behalf by my son. You may however omit the treatise More and More Practical Sex, and add a reliable pocket compass.

  Yours faithfully,

  B PAXTON.

  Sir Bernard Paxton to Mr Thewless

  MY DEAR MR THEWLESS, – Since writing to you yesterday afternoon I find the situation again changed. It will be best to say frankly that I had engaged as tutor to Humphrey a young man highly recommended to me, whose chief virtues appeared to me athletic interest and simplicity of mind: these I thought might commend themselves to the boy in the particular circumstances of the holiday proposed. But this gentleman has been called away – seemingly by a family bereavement – and I am hoping that you may still be free, and inclined, to assist us. If so, would you have the great kindness to ring up, or send a telegram, upon the receipt of this, in order that we may arrange to meet at Euston on Thursday?

  It is not within my recollection that we discussed terms. If you are now so good as to undertake the work, would you please let me know whether, for the month or so that it will last, the sum of fifteen guineas weekly would appear to you to be reasonable? I am uninformed in these matters and you must forgive me if this should be to propose an inadequate remuneration.

  With kind regards,

  Yours sincerely,

  BERNARD PAXTON.

  PS – May I say how much I enjoyed, in the Journal of Roman Archaeology, your lucid and informative account of the villa which you assisted in excavating at Little Slumber some years ago?

  B P

  TUESDAY EVENING

  Mr Thewless to Sir Bernard Paxton

  THANK YOU FOR YOUR LETTER STOP WILL TAKE HUMPHREY TO IRELAND SUBJECT RETURN AT DISCRETION SHOULD ENVIRONMENT IN MY OPINION BE PREJUDICIAL MORAL AND OR NERVOUS AND OR INTELLECTUAL PROGRESS OF PUPIL STOP TERMS SATISFACTORY BUT PLEASE REPLY ON ABOVE THEWLESS.

  Sir Bernard Paxton to Mr Thewless

  MY DEAR MR THEWLESS, – Very many thanks for your telegram to which I reply at once by special messenger. I am glad that you find it possible to take Humphrey on his holiday and need hardly say that I highly approve the reservation you make. However, although I know little of the Bolderwoods I have a substantial hope that they will provide the quiet and stability which are so desirable. They have been apprised of Humphrey’s present somewhat unsettled state.

  I enclose a cheque for £65, being three weeks’ salary as agreed between us and a further sum upon which to draw for such expenses as you may incur. Humphrey will be provided with pocket-money, but you will of course make any further disbursements of this kind that you think judicious.

  It was my intention on Thursday afternoon to take Humphrey to visit an aunt and then come straight to Euston. He now tells me, however, that he has made an appointment with his dentist, so I suggest that we all meet at the station at half past four. Near the main hall you may recall a plan showing the location of the various buildings and platforms, and this would seem to be a convenient place for our rendezvous. Unfortunately there is a possibility that within the next couple of days I may be called urgently away. In this event Humphrey will
have the necessary tickets, and a note with anything further that it may occur to me as being convenient for you to know. I need only add now that he is looking forward to the change and already appears to be drawing benefit from its prospect. He has taken occasion to acquire various books and objects – some of them very sensible – which he proposes to take with him. What alone causes me some anxiety is a growing tendency to imagine various conspiracies and enmities as hovering around him. I will later consult Lord Polder (a very old friend) about this, and he may recommend some form of psychiatric treatment. Meanwhile, Humphrey will be in excellent hands.

  Yours very sincerely,

  BERNARD PAXTON.

  Humphrey Paxton to Mr A B, c/o Bunce, Newsagent, Bolt Road

  SIR, – You make a misstake. I am ashamed of nothing I say or do. So you may see me with whom you like, when you like. Wretched man! if I did not think that all law was Tyrrany I would have you put in goal. If you approach me personally I will punch you on the nose.

  Farewell and beware

  HUMPHREY EDWYN HONYEL PAXTON.

  Miss Margaret Liberty to Miss Agnes Hopper