The Man Test

by Amanda Aksel

  “I was at the book store a few days ago and stumbled on this book. Something told me to take it home. So I did. I spent the night reading, and let me tell you, this is the best ten dollars I’ve ever spent in my life.”

  “I still don’t understand.” Holly’s concerned expression worsened.

  “This book saved me. It explains what happened with Chad and me. It reveals the truth about men, all men.”

  “And what’s that exactly?” Holly asked.

  “They’re all liars and cheaters, every last one of them. They can’t be faithful. It’s not in their nature. But since it’s against the nature of society they have to lie about it. Believe me, they will do and say anything so that you don’t find out. It’s like they’re leading double lives and we’re clueless. Men don’t want women to know and women don’t want to believe it. It’s the world’s most unspoken arrangement.”

  Telly leaned back. “I believe it.”

  “I don’t, and I can’t believe you brought this to my sister’s wedding!” Holly said in an angry whisper as she pressed the book against her chest, trying to shield it from the wedding.

  “Actually, I brought that for Rachel. Can you see that she gets it?”

  “Absolutely not! What are you thinking?”

  “After I found out about Chad, I spent days in bed wondering what happened, what I did wrong, how I could’ve prevented it. You saw me. I was a mess.” They nodded. “Our relationship seemed like a text book example of a healthy one. I’m a couple’s therapist for God’s sake! So what happened?”

  I paused and watched their faces as they thought up possible conclusions for Chad’s affair.

  “Nothing.” I said. “That's what I learned from this book. Men are made this way. They can't help it.”

  “You can’t be serious? Not every guy fits into one category of pricks,” Holly said. I knew she’d have trouble digesting the information. “Not all men are cheaters. That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.”

  “No, I think Marin’s right,” Telly interjected. “I mean why do you think I haven't had a serious relationship since I was twenty-five? It’s inevitable that they’ll break your heart into a thousand pieces. One way or another.”

  Telly’s positive reaction reinforced my enthusiasm. She understood what I was talking about long before I did. I nodded vigorously, “See, we should’ve listened to Telly to begin with. She’s had it right this whole time. Meet a guy, have some fun, and then send him home.”

  Telly lifted her glass and gave a modest smile. “Here, here, sister.”

  “I can’t believe what I’m hearing from you, Marin, of all people. You two may have converted to this belief of perpetual infidelity, but I’m not falling for it.” I should have known Holly would not subscribe so easily to an idea that was so damning. She was blessed with eternal optimism, or in this case, cursed. It wasn’t exactly my intention to burst her bubble, but it was time she heard the truth.

  “Listen to this,” I started, “I was on Craigslist the other day in the men seeking women ads. There were thirty-seven ads from married men looking for an affair. They all said the same thing, I don't want to end my marriage, just looking for that something."

  “Just looking for my next blowjob,” Telly said.

  Holly rolled her eyes at this detail prompting me to continue. “But, in the women seeking men ads there was one married woman and she said, ‘I'm married and I want out.’ How much more proof do you need?”

  Telly and I stared at her, hoping she would budge at least a little. Instead, she crossed her arms and gave me a stern look. “It's gonna take a lot more than a craigslist census to convince me.”

  Holly needed hard evidence. She had a tendency to be easily swayed due to her open-minded and gullible nature, but she also had very strong morals and convictions about seeing the good in all people. If I wanted her to get on board with the truth, I couldn’t express statistics. I’d have to show her irrefutable proof. Most of the information that I had gathered was strong, but it could be vulnerable to skepticism.

  Then, in the midst of my quandary, it hit me like a bolt of lightning. It was pure genius. The next words to come out of my mouth would change my life forever.

  “Okay, then I’ll prove it to you,” I said.

  “How?” Holly asked.

  I hoped the idea sounded as good aloud as it did in my head.

  “Easy, I’ll start a fictitious relationship with the next guy who asks me out, and I will show you that he is going to lie, he is going to cheat, and he is going to break my fictitious heart. Then you will know that it’s true.”

  Before she could respond, the music stopped and was replaced by the sound of a fork clinking against a champagne glass. We turned to the cake table where the best man, James, joined the bride and groom.

  “If I could get everyone's attention please. It's the duty of the best man to say a few words. So here it goes.” He paused and gave a humbling smile. The room silenced.

  I had never met James before, but Rachel and Holly mentioned him several times. He was good looking, tall with sandy blonde hair, and one of those bright smiles seen on toothpaste commercials.

  “David was my roommate in college,” he began. “For those of you who knew David back then he was a little . . . extreme.” The guests laughed, and James turned to David with an apologetic look. He continued, “especially to a small town boy from Montana. He was a great friend to have, and he taught me a lot. In those days he was a notorious bachelor, and I never thought that would change. But something did change when he met Rachel. I’ll never forget the first time he took her out. He told me he was actually nervous. This was big, because we all know David doesn’t get nervous.” The guests ahhed at this admission, except for Telly who motioned a gag. I stifled a chuckle.

  “After that, he stopped the hunt. He found that one special thing that we all hope to find. You two are incredibly lucky, and I’m confident you will have a long, happy marriage. To the bride and groom!”

  Everyone raised their glasses and repeated, “To the bride and groom.”

  The reception proceeded with Rachel and David stuffing each other’s face with cake. Holly was pulled away for pictures, and the crowd dispersed around the dance floor and mingled among the tables. Telly downed her champagne and adjusted her dress to reveal the perfect amount of her perfect cleavage. She refreshed her lip gloss. “Time to prowl.”

  She strutted out to the dance floor, swaying her hips seductively, and letting off pheromones like a cat in heat. I sat quietly, observing the guests at the reception, while I finished my champagne and wondered if I would meet my new fictitious boyfriend soon.

  CHAPTER SIX

  The Hunt

  I couldn’t wait to start my fictitious dating experiment, so I started looking right away. Holly was leaving in a week, and I didn’t want to waste any time. Realistically, I knew I couldn’t complete the task before she left, but I was sure I would have every ounce of proof I needed by the time she returned. She would have no choice but to believe me.

  My first opportunity to find someone came when Telly and I joined Holly for her yoga class. Usually, I’d show up with no makeup and my hair thrown together in a messy bun. In light of my new mission, I waltzed into class with natural looking makeup, a fresh pout of lip-gloss, and my hair secured in a sleek ponytail. The yoga studio was one large suite, sectioned off by an Asian-style screen. Light colored bamboo floors led to a Buddha statue at the far end of the room, and rows of yogis conversed on their mats waiting for class to start. The girls were already doing some pre-yoga stretching when I laid my purple mat on the floor. I surveyed the men in the class for any potential candidates.

  “You look pretty today,” Holly said.

  “Thank you.” I smiled, then realized Telly was looking rather pretty herself. She was by far the most stunning woman, or person for that matter, in the room.

  “Psst, Telly,” I whispered. “Can you put on a hoodie and mess up yo
ur hair or something?”

  “Why?” She looked confused and possibly offended. I leaned in over Holly to get closer. “I’m cruising this place for potential boyfriends.” I winked a couple of times, hoping she’d remember what I was referring to.

  “Here?” she said, louder than I would have preferred. Those surrounding us turned in our direction.

  “Shh! Yes, here,” I said in an exaggerated whisper. Telly shrugged and nodded. She covered herself with my hoodie and fixed her hair in a messy half up, half down ponytail. It wasn’t her best look, but even with those efforts she still looked amazing. For a second I thought about asking her to leave, but figured that would cause more of an issue than was needed.

  “Are you really going through with that ridiculous fake boyfriend idea of yours?” Holly asked, frowning.

  “Of course, how else can I prove it? And it’s not ridiculous. I think it’s a brilliant idea. Don’t you think so Tell?” Telly continued to stretch, but nodded.

  “Please don’t, Marin—” Holly started when the instructor demanded everyone’s attention. My attention landed on the cute guy directly behind me. He had a boyish face, dimpled cheeks, and a really cute cleft chin. We exchanged smiles, and I spent the rest of class trying to look graceful and sexy in my yoga poses.

  “Great class, huh?” I asked as we rolled up our mats.

  “Yeah, definitely. You must be new, I don’t think I’ve seen you before,” he said.

  “I come every now and then. I’m Marin, by the way.” I offered my hand and he took it. “Nice to meet you. I’m Alex. You should come more often. I noticed you have great form.” Great form, huh? I was pretty sure that was code for you have a nice ass. So far so good with cute-dimples guy, Alex.

  “Maybe I will.” I flirted with a smile, then bit my lower lip. Alex looked up ahead of me.

  “Hi, Derek,” Alex greeted the instructor. With a kiss. On the mouth! They turned to me.

  “Derek, this is Marin. She’s new to the class,” Alex said.

  “Great! Hope you come back next time,” Derek said, holding Alex by the waist.

  “Absolutely, I will.” I said with an over exaggerated smile that strained my mouth. “Nice to meet you both.” I waved good-bye and walked away.

  Well, that figures. Who would’ve thought the guy I was checking out in a San Francisco yoga class would be gay? I usually had a knack for knowing who was gay and who was straight, but my impatience was clearly clouding my judgment. Telly and Holly stood near the entrance. I hung my head and dragged my yoga mat behind me.

  “Tough break, Marin,” Telly said.

  “I think it’s a sign,” Holly said.

  “A sign of what?” I asked.

  “A sign that this thing you’re doing is a bad idea. You can’t go into something like that with bad intentions. It’ll blow up in your face just like that.” Holly was really on her high horse about my quest. I couldn’t tell if her resistance was because she wanted to protect me or if she wanted to protect herself from the risk that I might be right.

  “Let me take you out tomorrow night to find some real prospects,” Telly said.

  “Okay, yeah.” I grinned. The search was still on.

  Telly’s offer to take me out to meet some prospective lab rats gave me a sense of excitement that helped the workday fly by. I slipped into a tight black dress with a plunging neckline and gave my eyes a smoky look. A spritz of my favorite perfume on my wrist and neck and I was ready to go.

  Telly took me to Bleeker, a bar I’d never heard of. Men in suits and women in minis conversed on leather seating, served by bartenders in crisp white shirts and black ties. Music echoed off the vacant dance floor. I immediately scoped out the room. Telly bounced with excitement.

  “Do you see anyone?” she asked.

  As I looked at all the eligible bachelors, I became overwhelmed.

  “Yeah, I see a few,” I said, noticing a guy sitting alone at the bar. He was dressed like a stockbroker, but with a face of a bad boy. Sexy and dangerous. After a long sip of my martini, I mustered the courage to go talk to him, but Telly gripped my arm.

  “Don’t look now,” she said.

  “What?” I froze.

  “There’s a guy over there checking you out.” She glanced in the direction behind me. I wanted to look so badly, but I decided to play it cool. Besides, he was probably looking at Telly anyway.

  “Oh, oh, he’s coming over here.” She tried to contain her enthusiasm and looked down.

  “Seriously?” I asked in a panic. Was this it? Was I about to be hit on? Asked out? Was this my guy?

  He came around as sly as a fox, foxy all right with his light brown skin and piercing green eyes.

  “Hi,” he said in a casual kind of way.

  “Hi,” I said, trying to imitate his demeanor.

  “I saw you from across the room, and I wanted to introduce myself.” My heart raced. I spent the last two years blowing off any advances that didn’t come from Chad. The act of picking up men was so foreign.

  “I’m Anderson Harper.” He lent his hand. I took it and smiled.

  “I’m Marin Johns.”

  He kissed my hand the way gentlemen do in old movies.

  “Marin, that’s a beautiful name.”

  Get a load of this Casanova. Yes, I was on a mission, but I had to admit, I kinda liked the attention. “Thank you,” I said. No doubt I was blushing. Telly stepped away from the table and Anderson took a seat next to me. I kept his gaze, which was easy since his eyes were so beautiful.

  “So, Marin, what is it that you do?” he asked.

  “I’m a psychologist.”

  “Oh, wow, Dr. Johns.”

  I giggled, not that it was particularly funny, but I was deeply falling in his schmooze. “What about you?” I asked.

  “I’m a general surgeon at the UCSF Medical Center.”

  Impressive. He was a doctor. A surgeon! Hmm, surgeons work long hours, odd shifts. It sounded like the perfect recipe for a cheating boyfriend. A great choice for my project. I wasn’t sure if he was the guy, but he was definitely in the running.

  “That’s exciting! There’s a couple doctors in my family,” I said, practically batting my eyelashes at him and definitely sticking my breasts out. The truth was I didn’t want to talk. It had been weeks since I last had sex and there was something about the way he looked at me that made me want to jump on him. Antsy and on the rebound, I wanted to take him home with me. I’d never done anything like that before, but with my newfound freedom it was a good opportunity. There’s a first time for everything, right?

  “Are you attached?” he asked, lightly grazing his fingers over my newly bare ring finger.

  “Nope. You?”

  “No.” He gazed into my eyes. No one had ever been so bold, or maybe I just never allowed anyone to be.

  “So are you part Chinese?” he asked. Hmm, questions about my background? Maybe this was the guy. He did seem really interested or maybe he just had an affinity for Asian American girls.

  “Yeah, how’d you know? Most people guess Japanese or Korean.”

  “Your cheekbones are a clear giveaway and your eyes.” He leaned in and whispered in my ear, his breath tickling me. “Your eyes are really beautiful.”

  His words sent a shiver down my spine, and I breathed in his cologne. Telly gave me a discrete thumbs-up from across the room. Anderson offered to buy me another drink when I realized that he didn’t have one.

  “Don’t you want a drink too?”

  “I can’t,” he hesitated. His smile quickly frowned.

  “Oh, are you a recovering alcoholic?” I asked.

  “No, nothing like that. I’m on call at the hospital.” He chuckled and showed me his pager.

  “Oh, of course.” I let out a nervous laugh. It was an embarrassing assumption. I took a long sip of my drink hoping to recover quickly.

  “I guess the psychologist in you goes right for a mental illness, huh?” he joked.

  I n
odded. “I believe everyone’s dealing with some kind of neurosis.”

  “Oh yeah? What’s yours?” His gaze was intense.

  I leaned into him. “Do you really want to know?” He paused for a second and shook his head.

  “No.” We laughed. “Not yet anyway.”

  Anderson and I kept the conversation going for a good hour. I learned he was from Arizona, but did his residency at UCSF, where he got a permanent position. He liked merlot, sushi, Jazz, and late night sketch comedy.

  The DJ played one of those sexy R&B songs and Anderson invited me out on the dance floor. He held me close, keeping my gaze while we swayed to the rhythm. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him even if I wanted to. Though I knew that he was going to lie, cheat, and “break my heart.” I was ready. He may have charmed his way in, but I was the one in control.

  He squeezed my body tightly against his, and I could feel that things were going to get hot very soon. His fingers tickled the side of my face as he moved a loose strand of hair behind my ear. He traced my cheek down to my chin and pulled me in for a kiss. Not just any kiss. This was sexy, steamy. The kind that means I have to have you now! I came up for air. He leaned his forehead into mine, and in a sexy, deep voice asked, “Do you want to get out of here?”

  “Yeah. Can you give me a minute?” He pulled me again and my mouth met his.

  “I’ll meet you out front,” he said.

  “Okay.” He walked away, turning back around every few steps. I let out a deep exhale, trying to catch my breath. Telly rushed over to me.

  “He’s super hot! Who is he?” she asked, and our eyes followed him.

  “Anderson Harper, a surgeon.”

  “What happened? Where’d he go?”

  “He’s waiting for me. I’m going home with him.” I fanned myself in an attempt to lower my rising temperature.

  “Go, Marin!” Telly gave me a playful pat on the back.

  “It was so easy, Telly.” Then a sobering thought, what am I doing going home with some guy I don’t even know? “I’ve never done this before,” I said.