Perfect Imperfections

by Unknown

  Kim found it hard to keep up with Jake who often went out of sight, but it gave her a chance to realize how unfit she had become. She was only twenty-six. Not a good sign, Kim, she made a mental note and felt annoyed with both herself and Jake. First of all, he had nudged her into coming here, and now he was behaving as if he was all alone. She felt frustrated and was ready to give up. Lost in her thoughts she didn’t realize that Jake had noticed she was struggling and had stopped ahead waiting for her to catch up and gave her a shout, “Old lady, buck up!” And chuckled, which annoyed Kim a little more.

  The dusky brown of Kim’s skin was now red, and drops of sweat beaded her brow. Jake observed it. He was almost enjoying seeing Kim struggling, but he knew he should hold the laugh that was threatening to escape.

  “Kim, you are horrible! You need to do this every week,” said Jake as he pedaled ahead just as Kim got near. By now, Kim was fuming. It took all the energy she was left with and pedaled as fast as she could to catch up with Jake, who had again disappeared somewhere ahead. Kim rounded the corner and could see his bike abandoned by the track.

  Forgetting that she was mad at him, she feared if he was hurt or something.

  She left her bike by the track and started looking for Jake. She was still not sure whether she should call him over the walkie-talkies they were given by Tim, which now hung by her wrist.

  Just then she heard Jake’s voice, “Here, Kim, down here!”

  Kim jogged to the edge of the track, moved the tall grass and saw Jake sitting by the extreme edge of the cliff. The view ahead of them was priceless. Kim forgot that she had been annoyed and went on and sat down beside him. It was just around six-thirty, and the sky was lighting up. The serenity and the solitude was breathtaking. They sat there in perfect harmony with nature as it turned from dawn to day, and with each other. Kim felt it — she was able to just be in the quiet of the morning with Jake and not have conversations.

  ***

  On the sixth or seventh Saturday mountain-biking trip that Kim went on with Jake, she began to get used to the comfort of silence they shared. She now knew her way around, and had begun to like the fact that Jake didn’t babysit her and let her do things on her own, which was something she was not use to in the longest of time.

  It frustrated her at times when she would see Jake looking at her struggling with something and still not offering to help. But once she was able to get things done on her own, she liked the feeling that he didn’t come forth to help. It gave her a sense of accomplishment and a certain amount of peace.

  Today, when she was at their spot, watching the sun change the color of the sky as it rose in front of them, Kim looked at the openness in front of her and murmured, “Thanks!”

  She could feel Jake looking at her.

  “You know what I mean,” she said, without looking at him.

  “It’s nothing!” he said, though he kept looking ahead, and gave Kim a light pat on her shoulder.

  On their way back home, Kim turned the radio. Her favorite song began playing and she did what she hadn’t done in a long time — she sang out aloud, in grossly incorrect synchronization with the singer.

  “Are you okay?” Jake asked, looking at Kim, who was now imitating Miley Cyrus with her tongue sticking out and banging her head side to side. Jake started laughing at Kim’s crazy avatar as she sobered down when the song was finally over. “What was that?” Jake asked with clear amusement on his face.

  Kim smiled ear-to-ear at Jake.

  “Sam and I used to do this every time a really cheesy song which we hated would come on radio, on the road trips dad would make us go on. He wouldn’t let us change the channel if we didn’t like the songs, so we came up with this unique way to enjoy them.”

  And though she laughed, there was an underlining longing for her father which showed itself when she said that. She cleared her throat to get rid of the lump that threatened to form at her throat.

  Jake noticed the sudden change in her voice. “That’s an interesting way to get along with unpleasant things in life!” he said glancing at Kim, and then there was another overstretched pause.

  Kim realized how that had led her to do things in life. What Jake had observed was true. She had trained herself to get comfortable with things in life that she did not appreciate. She didn’t even know how she truly felt about them anymore. Was that how her relationship with Dave had been? This question made her very uncomfortable with herself. She shifted in her seat, and felt sick. Was this how I have been all my life? She wanted to run… run away from herself.

  “So! There is a play going on this weekend? I am going with a bunch of my friends. Do you want to join?” Jake’s question brought Kim back and the distraction made her feel better.

  “Ah, I think I want to stay at home tonight… you know, with Mom and Sam.” Kim said instantly, almost as if these words were etched into her subconscious.

  “All right!” said Jake. There was another moment of silence.

  “On second thought, I think I’ll join you guys. What time is it?” Kim said as suddenly as she had spoken the previous sentence. She didn’t want to be alone by herself, which would give her time to face the question.

  Jake’s lips twisted around the corners as he looked on and drove. Jake dropped her off at her apartment and she stood at the entrance watching his car disappear.

  And then it was then that she realized that Jake was distracting her. She felt her face flush, a little embarrassed. She walked in, thinking to herself — Am I so easy to read? Why does he do this? Why did Dave do this?

  “Argh! I need to find myself a job soon, or else I’ll drive myself crazy,” Kim said out loud and got into the house.

  CHAPTER 22

  Over the next few months, Kim often found herself doing various new things — things that she had never known she would like — and spending time with Jake seemed so natural. The good that Jake was doing for Kim wasn’t overlooked by Judith and Sam. But for Judith, it was a little worrying that Kim was growing too attached to Jake. She feared that Kim might hurt herself if she wasn’t cautious of her feelings for Jake.

  On the night of the play Kim walked in late to find Judith still up waiting for her.

  “What is it?” Kim was asked. “What is it that you want from me this time, Ma?”

  Judith looked at Kim, a little shocked and angry. “What do you mean by that Kim?” she asked.

  Judith already knew the answer to that question. But she wanted to deal with it. She decided that it had been time to deal with this, rather than brush it under the rug, which was something that she had done for a long time and now she was tired of it. She was tired of the guilt that she forced her baby to grow up far too early in life. But she knew now it had to be dealt with and she had to accept whatever this conversation would lead up to.

  “Why are you so bitter towards me? Why can’t you see me as an adult who was struggling to provide for her children when her husband failed to?” Judith huffed.

  “But that is the very problem,” said Kim. “You are my mother and not just any person. You were to look after me and not expect me to look after you.”

  “That is unfair, Kim. That is so unfair. You can’t see things the way you want. Sometimes you have to see them the way they are. You knew very well how things had been with your father. How is it that you can let his failings go and not mine?”

  “Because he is not here anymore,” said Kim hotly.

  “The way you are going on Kim, neither will I,” Judith said in a flat tone.

  “Why is everything pinned on me?

  “What do you mean?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Kim!” Judith whispered as she walked towards her, the hurt and guilt in Kim’s voice. “Why do you carry so much on you?” she paused as she took her in a hug.

  “I know no one says it to me but with the mess that I have made….” Kim’s voice trailed off.

  “Kim, you are a human and things happen. You cannot live
your life in the shadows of your mistakes.”

  “Dave was a mistake and walking out on him was a bigger one.” The words were out and it felt better to say it.

  Judith pulled back to face Kim. “My baby, if you were not happy with him no one would have forced you to be with him. Not even Dave and you obviously know that.” She paused directing Kim to sit on the sofa. “You were a kid when you started dating him and you grew up to find that the relationship was not what you wanted. You could have told that to Dave and he would have understood it.”

  “I know. I know Dave would have but that would have been so selfish of me.”

  “No, my baby, it wouldn’t have been selfish. You know Dave better than any of us. Do you honestly believe that he would not have understood?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t know what I was thinking.” Kim’s voice caught in her throat but she continued, “I have made such a mess of my life and Dave was caught in it.”

  “Life is never perfect Kim, you have to make it the way you want it. If you feel this is a mess then get up and clean it. It’s just a mess and not the end.”

  CHAPTER 23

  The early morning jogs were doing some good to Kim. They were making her feel better about herself, and she was slowly but surely coming out of her internal hate fest. She was getting herself into a routine, and starting her day with a jog was just doing the trick. She would begin her day with a good jog followed by a healthy breakfast. She had started cooking too and was beginning to enjoy the balance of art and science that cooking was all about. But, most importantly, she was getting herself to do something.

  She would spend most of the day looking for new recipes that she could try, and then go out to the supermarket and buy groceries and ingredients that she would require for the cooking. By the time Judith and Sam would get home, the house would smell of these amazing three course meals. Kim’s cooking was getting quite good, so good in fact that it got Sam to start having dinner at home on a regular basis and often Rob would join them too.

  One night, Kim decided she would have her friends over, and they could all stay the night. She would make all these new recipes that she had been practicing. So she called up Cheryl and Beth if they were free that Friday night to have dinner at her place. Kim knew that Beth would not have come by herself and so she invited Bill as well, and not that would have been a problem, since Bill had been her rock always. This would be a nice way to say ‘thank you’. And since Bill would have been a little out-of-place being the only guy, she decided to invite Cheryl’s boyfriend too. After all, he had managed to calm the stormy sea that Cheryl was, and this would be a perfect opportunity to meet this guy. So there was going to be Bill and Beth, Cheryl and her secret new boyfriend and to add to the male quotient, Cheryl insisted that Kim invited Jake as well. James, Cheryl would then have someone he knew, and it would not be totally awkward for him. Then there would also be Rob and Sam and Kim and Judith.

  “Hmm,” Kim exhaled as she kept the phone down. This is not going to be a small party; there are nine of us now. And I, an amateur cook, am thinking of preparing a five-course meal for almost 10 people! That’s gonna be easy, right? — She had these sarcastic thoughts in mind. Even now, she thought if it would be a good idea to cancel it all. But cancelling it would have been more difficult, and now Kim had no option than to go through it.

  So she switched on her laptop and started taking note of the recipes that she was going to prepare and listed the ingredients. This is going to be a long shopping list! — she sighed, looking at the list of things she was to buy. She took a couple of bags for the groceries, her purse, and the car keys went to the super market. By the time she was done, Judith was already home and when Kim walked in with the multiple bags with groceries, Judith feared that Kim had decided to kill them with so much food.

  “Are you all right, baby?” Judith asked, looking at all the groceries sprawled over the kitchen table. “What is happening here?”

  “We are having some friends over for dinner tomorrow night. And I need to start tonight if I want to have everything ready by then.” Kim kissed Judith on the forehead and took out a bottle of water and flopped down on the sofa.

  “Do I get to know about this party that you have decided to have out of nowhere?” Judith joined Kim in the living room.

  “Well, actually it’s not a party — just a few friends coming over for dinner.”

  “A few?” Judith exclaimed gesturing her hand over the kitchen table. “How few are we talking about?”

  “About nine or ten of us.” Kim smiled sheepishly. “I know this is too much for just ten people. But I had to take into account any mishaps that may and probably will happen when I do start cooking.”

  They laughed, recalling the time when the smoke detector went off and the building security rushed in to check on them and it took them over an hour to ensure that there really was no fire and just a lot of smoke, thanks to the cooking Kim had been up to.

  That night, they decided to order in and let Kim do whatever she was planning to do in the kitchen. They decided to let Sam know that they were ordering in so that she could go out with her friends if there were any plans. “Maybe Rob and I could go out for dinner.” Sam told Judith over the phone.

  “Ma, if you want to watch something or read something you can; I don’t need any help,” said Kim. “I want to do this on my own. And, anyway I’ll just do a little preparation, just like they show on those cooking competition shows on TV.”

  Kim went back to cleaning, chopping, and marinating, while Judith watched some TV and kept a skeptic eye on the kitchen. Post that, Judith went to bed while Kim played some soft music and got her selection of stationery out. She had multicolored post-its with the names of each dish and the main ingredients written on them. Then she started preparing them, one at a time. A lot of washing and chopping happened for the next two hours. She also got the dessert crème brûlé prepared that she had tried the week before and had turned out perfect. She decided on torching the sugar crust just before serving it the next day.

  By the time she was done, the kitchen had been sorted and all the preparations were neatly packed and kept. She looked around the kitchen. Well, this is a neat start; I hope I am able to pull this off tomorrow — she mumbled to herself. Then she turned off the lights and thought — I need to get this done for myself, start something, and see it through to the end.

  Kim was putting herself to this litmus test that she could be a normal person and that she could find her peace without other people. She wanted to know that she could help herself and didn’t need people to support her all the time. She had been blessed to have the right people in her life always and, though she felt grateful for it, she was not sure if it had done her a great deal of good. Maybe she was being too hard on herself. But this was something that she needed to do.

  The next morning, even though Kim had gotten up early, she was running behind schedule to get the things done as per the meticulous planning she had done the night before. She was glad that Judith and Sam were not going to be at home, and that there was no one to get in her way. But it also meant that she couldn’t pin it on anyone if the food was not ready in time.

  By early evening, the chaos was much under control and there were just the last minute things left which she had decided to do when the guests arrived. She wanted to lay down a bit so that she wasn’t grumpy when everyone came. She flopped on the sofa and surfed the channels for a bit and before she knew it she had been sleeping for twenty minutes and was woken up by the sound of the front door opening.

  She got up with a startle to see Judith come in.

  “Oh no! I fell asleep, Ma,” Kim groaned and shifted in the sofa to get up, but her body as heavy as lead.

  Judith we into the kitchen to look at the status of affairs and was pretty impressed with the way things looked. “Kim, everything looks just lovely!” she said and opened the dishes and smelled the food, “and this smells amazing. Why don’t you get re
ady while I set the table and pretty up the living room? Then I’ll go get ready and you can entertain any guests that come. And Sam had called; she will come straight with Rob she said.”

  Kim left the room and Judith took out the fancy china and serving bowls and set the table.

  The room felt nice and warm with the dim lights and the slight smell of sandalwood with some old music playing softly. It was a warm and welcoming atmosphere. When Kim was ready and came out she felt content.

  Judith knew her so well that she had just taken a look at the dishes that Kim had prepared and knew that Kim would have wanted to keep things low and subtle.

  Cheryl and Pet were the first ones to come in. Kim and Judith were ready and catching up on their days when the doorbell started ringing. Cheryl was dressed is a floor length dress in a somber color and Pete was in dressy jeans and a light colored half sleeve shirt.

  The two of them looked so comfortable with each other. Kim was meeting Pete Lawrence for the first time and he came across as a simple, down-to-earth, genuine person. How did he manage to get Cheryl to calm down and settle in a normal non-loud life was going to the first question anyone who knew Cheryl would ask him. Though Cheryl had not changed much, she was not constantly looking to hit on people. Everyone knew that Cheryl could be quiet and subdued, but no one knew that this phase could last for more than a day.

  But people were more than happy that she was now with a guy and that they were serious about each other. She was truly in love with Pete, and he was equally in love with her.

  Kim thought to herself that this was the thing that she had once tried to explain to Cheryl; that once you are with someone you truly care about, the other things cease to matter. And here, Cheryl was experiencing it all firsthand. Kim felt happy for her friend.

  Soon Bill and Beth joined in as Kim took out some starters and bottles of beer. The house was filling with chatters and Judith was loving it. It had been so quiet and for so long that she had almost forgotten that there could ever be so many people in her house ever. Sam and Rob joined in soon with Jake was the last one to show up.