by Leanne Davis
Was it heartbreak?
Maybe. It hurt her in the most awful way. She would have to work to avoid feeling it again. She never wanted to get close to it again either. Her heart was too fragile for someone to do this to her. How could she have been so careless? So stupid? How could she have so hastily given Ross her precious heart? The man was apathetic and so off-putting after being chosen for something he voluntarily applied for. How could she allow such a man to wield unwarranted power over her?
And now he left.
She stared around at the emptiness in shock. For a good five minutes. Maybe ten. She could not believe he really left Seattle. Where would he go? What would he do? She had no idea how to find him now or whom to contact, since nobody knew him. She had only the minimal information he provided on his application. What could she do with that?
God, how careless of her to fall for the most uncaring man she ever met. She should have expected a rude, thoughtless exit that would crush her. Worse still, the man never said a word of warning, he just left her.
No one left her a second time. Fisting his loft keys in her hand, she calculated everything she needed to do to get the place cleaned and ready for the next applicant to the program. It was time to move on. She had to seek new talent and the sooner, the better.
She had a good time with Ross. Like so many others. She was well aware of how much fun she was. She never let anyone get too close because she wanted to avoid any grief. Why did she let him get so close?
Never again. She would never again make that mistake. She’d go out and find someone new. Someone better. She lived in a huge city with a million freaking eligible men. She certainly could include more than just one. No one to monopolize all her time again either. She didn’t need that.
She didn’t need Ross.
If she worked at it long enough, she believed she could convince her heart of that too.
Ross had nothing. Nothing was left of his fantastic adventure but a little money. He rented a motel room in his hometown and didn’t call his parents. They were still living there but he hadn’t spoken to them in two years, so why start now? Did they know he played the drums in a famous band? Before thousands of fans? Would that embarrass them? Disgust them? Bore them? He knew they could not be proud or interested or happy for him. He called the old bar where he used to work and they were thrilled to have him back, as well as eager to hear all about his connection to and experiences with Zenith.
Ross showed up on time, wearing his usual black jeans and white t-shirt, ready to slug drinks to thirsty workers. It wasn’t an upscale place. Most of the customers were down on their luck or out every night to get drunk and hook up. It wasn’t classy or urban and it lacked the pretty people of Seattle. At least, these were his people. He should have remembered that and stayed put. His people didn’t dare to dream of becoming real rock stars. Or playing a musical instrument, even something as cool as a drum set for money. Nah. You worked your menial job and coped with adversity.
He took some flak about it and catcalls. His stint with Zenith provided hours of amusement for the regulars. He answered their endless questions and let the latest bit of infamy increase his tips. Why not? He wouldn’t have the Zenith money forever. Might as well capitalize on it as long as he could. He didn’t feel like practicing the drums anymore. Occasionally, he played with the small house band that was awful, the total antithesis of his last venue. It contrasted as much as a rotten, black, cavity-filled tooth stands out beside a healthy white, whole one. Both were teeth, one was just rotten and rancid while the other was an example of porcelain perfection, as it was supposed to be.
Ross passed the time but it was grueling.
Women flirted with him. Hard. But as for his interest? They had no sharp-witted things to say and they put up with all of his shit. Why? Why didn’t they put him in his place? Why weren’t they smarter than that? Quicker? More interesting? More confident? More awesome? Why were all of them so dull and passive?
After a few days, a letter caught up with him. Forwarded from his last address, he wished it came from Zenith and his former friends. His stomach twisted. Didn’t he sever all of his ties pretty epically? The old information was incorrect now. He had no permanent address. No phone number. But the stupid letter found him all the same. His was a small town and the postman knew him and his presence was now widely known because of the short time he spent with Zenith. Ross literally had fifteen minutes of fame but it was all over now.
Done. Buried. Over.
But back to the letter. Who was it from? He flopped down and was about to discard it when the return address caught his attention.
Oh, yeah. The damn lab results of his physical. Ugh.
They promised a fast turnaround. He slit the envelope and opened it. They apologized for the letter, but explained they were unable to reach him. He scanned it, feeling dull and annoyed before he wadded it up into a ball when it all just stopped.
He stared at the letter in a haze. Dizziness made his brain swirl. His breathing grew heavy. Hard. Impossible. No. Fuck no. What? What should he do with this news?
It didn’t compute. No. Not him. Not him.
There were many calls from people to check on Jody, and see how she was. How was she dealing with everything? Her mother called often. Karlee, even more often. Her dad even called her. JayJay was bummed and kept asking her questions she could not answer. Where was Ross? Why wasn’t Ross calling him back? Where did he go? Huh? Jodee, where was he?
She didn’t fucking know where. Not a damn thing about him. Not anymore. How could he toss aside people so callously? Even when she first met him, he didn’t seem that awful or so heartless. She’d been wrong before but never so catastrophically wrong. It horrified her. When was she ever so weak-hearted?
How could she be with someone who would leave town without a word? Not a word. Or a forwarding address. Or a number. He told the rental company where the car was parked at the airport. She had that information at least. After all this, did Ross simply go home?
What the freaking sense did that make? Why would he not have told her? Or consulted with her? Why did he rush off? Jesus. They could have simply found him another gig. Another band. Duh. Rob offered to help him personally and Ross chose to return to his dull-as-dishwater home? It made zero sense to her. Was it because of her? The city? Could he really be that self destructive? She sensed so at first, but she thought he’d changed. He grew warmer, kinder and more fun. His sense of humor took the edge off his personality. There were wonderful moments, real moments when she saw a glimmer of goodness in him. Something to nurture and develop into its full potential. Like how he was with JayJay.
But this?
She couldn’t think of anyone being so cold.
She was fine. That’s what she told everyone. Ross was just another guy. She didn’t lose herself over guys. Especially musicians. She knew all about them. She was raised with ceaseless warnings about them. Duh. She knew this might happen.
How could her stupid parents turn out to be so damn right? She might become as passionate as her father was regarding his rule not to date musicians. He’d be so pleased to hear about that.
Ha. Damn it.
She hated this new reality. She fell for a musician and it sucked.
The best way to get over a guy was to get under a new one. Cringing at the slogan, she knew she had to embrace it or remain stuck on this guy who left her without a word or any other acknowledgement. Pets were treated far better than that. She deserved so much better and was bound and determined to find someone who would respect her.
She started partying with old friends she’d previously neglected and realized with a large dose of guilt that she’d become that girl. That girl who allowed a guy to monopolize her time. She shuddered at the thought of it. No more.
She went out to dinners. And for drinks. Lots of dancing and laughter, she met up with the old groups she used to engage more often with. She found some musicians she once indulged and enjoyed
their company again. She became herself again, glad to be free of the depressing normalcy demanded by a monogamous relationship. Though not defined, that’s what Ross and she had started to make for themselves.
Not now. No way.
She was free. Young. Exciting. She remembered the real Jody and was eager to go back to her. She missed her old self. This guy drama was short-lived and over. It was so not worth it. She’d been far happier before any of it happened. And far less hurt.
Jody partied and drank and hung out with all kinds of people. But she never had sex with them. Not yet. She wasn’t quite ready for that. Fine. No biggie. She could handle it.
Two weeks after Ross left without a word, Jody chose to stop ignoring the bar, which was her favorite bar, where she’d first engaged him. They’d left for a one-night stand that progressed too far and lasted too long. But the brief memory of her fling with Ross didn’t own that bar. She did. Her good times and history there gave her the seniority and the confidence to go back.
Happy with her latest decision, she dressed extra boldly. Tight dress. Big hair. Lots of makeup. Feeling sassy and sexy, she called friends to meet her there. The loud, raucous, fun group was exactly what she needed to return to her former self. She downed two drinks quickly, trying to dissipate the overwhelming hurt and sadness that filled her when her stupid gaze wandered to that pocket of privacy Ross had found in the bar. The spot where she’d first caught him watching her.
The look in his eyes had expressed… what? Heat? Definitely. Molten heat. But there’d been more: yearning. He was staring at her like a dehydrated man stared at an oasis in the dry desert. Yeah, he’d effortlessly drawn her to him. Just one look and it was like the gravity field of the earth pulling the moon toward it.
Now he was gone. Not there.
Not there?
She blinked and shook her head. Was that him standing there?
Was she making him up with her shattered heart? Seeing him where she hoped he might be? She grabbed her temple and rubbed it, blinking with disbelief, but no, he was still there. Why the hell was this happening? She didn’t do that, imagine seeing guys who were gone.
But he moved right towards her. Oh fuck. He was real. And he was really there.
Her brain buzzed and she jumped to her feet and pushed back the chair. Never fond of creating any actual diva-drama, Jody finally got it. She wanted to screech out at him. No! Get out! Fuck off! But he still walked closer.
Toward her.
She muttered to Roger, standing beside her, “I have to go.”
Grabbing her purse, she started to exit when Ross seemed to anticipate her departure and smoothly stepped to the left when she cleared the crowd. She was swiftly out the door, and Ross was close behind her.
She pulled out a canister of pepper spray. “I’ll fucking mace you. Get away from me.” She held the can out before her and her words were spoken low and calmly. She was not hysterical. Passersby glanced and one stopped as if to offer their assistance to her. She shook her head and explained, “He’s not dangerous to me. Just an unwelcome ex.”
After the stranger nodded and moved on, Ross stared at the can, saying, “Jody…”
“No. No, you don’t get to come back here and demand to talk to me. You don’t get to ruin my night. You already did that. You sure as fuck aren’t doing it now with my permission. Leave me at once or I will spray this right into your face. Don’t doubt me. There isn’t one thing about me that says I’m kidding.”
He backed up. Farther. “I just have one thing to say. It’s pretty important.”
“Do you plan to apologize? That’s the least I deserve. But since I don’t want to hear it, get back and go away. Don’t come near me again. I can’t believe you dared to come back here.”
“It’s more than that. Please don’t make me yell what I have to say at you on a street.”
There were more glances. Looks of intrigue. A few people stopped. She sighed. With the pepper spray at the ready, she replied, “No. I said no. What gives you the right to say more?”
“Because…” he stopped and pulled out a phone. It must have been a new phone as she was sure he’d trashed the other. All her texts and JayJay’s and Rob’s and Spencer’s were unanswered, and the list went on. Then he texted her. She tried to ignore it. But she dropped the bottle of pepper spray back in her purse and took her phone out. She glanced at him from across the distance. His gaze was strange. Intense. Dark. Sad? Fuck him. He should be sad. He did this. He hurt her so much. There was nothing he could say to redeem him now. Nothing. Damn him. Screw him. Goodbye, boy, go…
Go…
In a weak moment, she held her phone up to her face and read the words.
I came here to tell you I tested positive for HIV.
She blinked and read it three times. Her mouth went dry and she couldn’t swallow. She lifted her face and stared at him. He hung his head and put his hands in his pockets. She put her phone back in the purse and walked towards him.
Maybe he did have something to say that she needed to hear.
Chapter 11
CLOSING THE DISTANCE BETWEEN them, Jody stopped next to Ross. “Is that true?” Her voice was strangled, her hands slick with sudden nerves and sweat. HIV positive?
He nodded. “Can we just get a drink?”
She nodded back. Visibly calmer. Quieter. Ruined. “Yes. Down the street there, it’s far more intimate.”
They walked down the street to a hole-in-the-wall bar. Sitting down near the end of the bar where it wasn’t crowded, they were silent until they ordered and only when the drinks were set before them, did they talk.
Ross hunched forward, his elbows at his sides, one hand clutching the small tumbler as if it were an anchor, grounding him, or possibly giving him the courage to speak.
Jody’s head spun. Her brain was running circles inside her skull. Her anger over how he left her without a word or a goodbye kept flashing through her mind. He flew away from her. He took an airplane without thinking to say boo to her. Neither as a personal friend nor a professional cohort. Ross was so well known and hot right now in the local music scene, after a few calls, Jody could have placed him in a new job without a problem. It wasn’t quite the dramatic event Ross turned it into. The worst part for Jody was his subsequent escape. So quickly, easily, and indifferently he managed to escape her.
And now he was HIV positive? That elevated everything to an entirely new altitude. Life and death. Illness. A persistent virus that was treatable but incurable. All the statistical facts from her high school health class flashed through her brain. Nothing was fresh and none of the facts she recalled were accurate or recent. She sipped the stiff tequila shot she ordered and almost mirrored him, staring forward, hunched over her drink. She suddenly felt very cold, tired and deflated.
She wished she’d worn a longer skirt and a sweatshirt, something she could hide inside and pull around her until she got warmer. Being fun, hot and sexy didn’t matter anymore just then. Her whole body was tired and sad and confused.
“Did you run away because of that news?”
“No.”
“How did you find out then?”
“Doctor’s office sent me a letter. It eventually found me even though I tossed all the phone numbers they had to contact me.”
“It’s from when we discussed having sex without condoms and I insisted that you get a physical first.” Duh. She knew that was when he got tested, but she needed his confirmation.
“Where have you been for the last two weeks?”
His shrug was almost rude. “At a motel in my hometown.”
Wow. He left her for some seedy motel? She flinched and the sharp, angry retort inside her mouth nearly escaped before she clamped her jaw shut to prevent that from happening. It was so natural to her, she felt odd when she had to stifle it.
He kept his gaze pinned on his drink. No movements from his body, no glances at her, no words or excuses for why he left or how he felt now. She sighed. The wall
of apathy and deliberate disregard for others, including himself, resumed in vivid color. He hadn’t learned anything.
“You have to get tested, Jody.”
Her heart slammed inside her chest. Duh. What an uncanny grasp of the obvious. A ripple of dismay exacerbated her ragged nerves and anxiety. It seemed totally unreal. Then an unreasonable, accusing stab of anger toward him surged inside her. It was because he hurt her when he so easily ditched her. “God damn. How many times did I have to remind you to grab a condom?”
“More than once.” He didn’t lift his head. His tone of voice didn’t change despite her angry comment. Nothing changed in his demeanor. Did he care at all?
“How many others did you infect? How many others were less responsible than I was?”
He didn’t answer her. She drank the rest of her shot and shuddered when the strength of it burned her throat and instantly warmed her guts. “Thanks for nothing, you bastard.” She was tired of giving him so much. She had nothing left to waste on such a cold, self-defeating, unfeeling asshole. She tried to ignore the truth. She skirted around it over and over, despite seeing what was obvious and right in front of her face. Ross Karahan was exactly the vile creature he portrayed himself to be from their very first meeting. She was the fool who refused to believe what she saw, heard and experienced.
She slid back on her feet, shoving the stool behind her and was about to take a step when his hand shot out and grabbed her arm above her elbow. “Wait.”
She didn’t want to wait. Much less, be sucked into whatever mean comment he planned to say next to her. Whether he did it today or next week. “For what?” Harsh. Her tone reflected her mood and she meant it.
“I… I’m sorry.”
Jody’s heart lifted and instantly dropped. He was so pathetic. His voice was hoarse and raw. Finally, he showed something that reflected how he felt. But it was not enough. He could never say enough words to express his sorrow or remorse. She needed and deserved so much more. His behavior, as usual, was inadequate.
