by Leanne Davis
“For what? For risking my sexual health with a deadly virus or for boarding a plane and leaving here without saying a word to me? This is worse. The only reason you contacted me is because of the possibility you infected me with a deadly disease.”
He flinched, staring forward without letting go of her arm. His fingers dug into her skin when she coldly added, “I couldn’t make you care about me, or us, or anything at all, and now, I’m fucking sick of trying.”
She yanked her arm away but he didn’t let go. Swiveling his stool, he took her waist in his hands and set her right between his legs, staring into her eyes.
“There’s something very wrong with me,” he said in a harsh, rasping tone. Swallowing hard, he shook his head and kept his eyes glued on hers. Laughing bitterly while shaking his head, he said, “I know something is wrong and I’ve always known it. When my brother died, my parents simply confirmed it. I should have told you a long time ago to get away from me. But I’m sorry that I brought this down on you. That I hurt you and that I’m…”
Wilting, Jody’s stupid, traitorous, weak, emotional heart melted. God, yet another time when she detested her flagrant emotions. She was always well aware of them and never failed to recognize them for what they were. Whenever she was deeply overcome by them, she knew she had to listen to them more closely. Right now, they were not welcome. Jody had no more sympathy for the sad, broken, grownup, white male who incredulously trashed all of his chances for unlimited success in the world to become a martyr and stew in his stale anger.
But the words he used got to her. There’s something very wrong with me… my parents simply confirmed it. For crap’s sake. How could she turn her back on him when he sounded so sad, conflicted, and starving for help? Not when she still cared about him even if she hated knowing the truth.
It was still the truth.
Staring at him, she didn’t move for a long, silent time. Her mind was whirling and her heart told her to flee and never look back, which was exactly what he intended to do. He would have done it too, so she wasn’t fooling herself. An incurable disease. A deadly virus. He was spreading it. That was what really brought him back to her. Not because of his regrets over what he did to her when he left or how he might have hurt her.
He didn’t waver his stare or look away. Shocked, she met his eyes with her own angry intensity and didn’t crack a smile or ease the rage that shot like daggers from her eyes. It was the longest eyelock she ever experienced. She memorized the changing colors of his eyes and the planes of his flawless, intense face. She wondered if her brain were tricking her into investing those beautiful lines of his face with her emotions and feelings. Did she let his outer beauty skew what was really inside him? At this point, she couldn’t say for sure.
She leaned forward and set her lips on his, surprising both herself and him. They stayed pressed onto his with a closed mouth and gentle tenderness. He withdrew a fraction of an inch at first, before he leaned forward, eager to receive her affection again. She tilted her head and turned their lips into a slow exploration. His hands dropped to her waist and he held her without pulling her in.
She suddenly announced, “You are not forgiven. Not for leaving me.”
She was staring deeper into his eyes when she added, “But this has nothing to do with HIV. I don’t need to forgive you for that.”
He nodded, and his gaze was clouded and confused. She turned and sat back down, staring forward again. “You have to find everyone you slept with and tell them. Everyone you’ve ever had sex with.”
“I know. I just had to tell you first. I’m sorry. I… I’m so sorry.”
She blew out air like a tire deflating. “Well, you don’t have to be sorry about that part. It wasn’t intentional. It’s life. A virus cannot be blamed on you because it isn’t your fault. Other than your choice to participate in reckless sex. You have to be more careful. One hundred percent faithful to condoms and practicing safe sex from now on.”
“I can’t imagine myself having sex ever again. It’s the furthest thing from my mind.”
She side-eyed him and he again faced forward before looking down. “Why didn’t you just call me? Or text me? You didn’t have to come all the way back here. It couldn’t have been inexpensive.”
He gave her a little smile and a warm glance before returning to neutral, but Jody glimpsed something else that she quickly realized was fear. Maybe that’s why he had such an edge to him and he held his body so taut. “I did text you.”
She smiled finally and replied, “Touché. You did. But why did you come back after you so epically cut all your ties from here?”
Ross still hadn’t taken a sip of the alcohol she realized when he pushed it away. His hand trembled. “I… I have nowhere else to go. No one to hang with.” He glanced at her and then away. “I don’t know what else to do.”
She looked at his shaking hand. “You’re scared.” The thought stunned her for some reason.
“Yes,” he muttered softly, shaking his head. “I thought I didn’t care if I lived or died. That whatever occurred in my life was supposed to happen, but I never minded what it was. Now, as it turns out, I do care. I care a hell of a lot where my life is headed now.”
“Have you talked to a doctor yet?”
His head shook. “No. Soon as I read the report, I just kind of lost my mind before I drove to the airport and came straight here. Hoping to see you.”
To see you. Oh, his brittle tone. Sounding so broken and lost. Like a little boy asking for her comfort and care and all the other nice things she strangely wanted to give him. Her heart dipped and swelled. She nearly groaned with annoyance and anxiety, but no. No matter what else happened, he was her problem now and all this was her issue. He already hurt her so much, she didn’t trust him with her heart. But seeing how scared and shocked he was by the news made her realize he actually cared about his life now.
HIV wasn’t a death sentence anymore, not like it was years ago, and Ross could have a long, fulfilling life with treatment. After he got more information and began his treatment, Jody expected his fear would retreat, but what if he left her again? What if she were being used as a crutch for him to get through this? Having pushed everyone else away from him, when he needed support there was no one to reach out to except Jody Lassiter. So here he was.
If he were feeling more confident about himself, would he pursue a music career as Ross Karahan, ex-drummer for Zenith?
“You need to see the doctor ASAP and hear from them that you will be okay. You need to start treatment and you can’t fuck around with this. Your comfort zone in apathy has to end. You have to be passionate when it comes to taking care of yourself and not hurting anyone else who could get it.”
He nodded several times. His gaze wandered off and his expression was stricken when he side-eyed her. “What if…” he gulped as he sucked in a breath of air and continued, “what if I already gave it to you?”
Of course, her own fear rippled through her but Jody straightened her spine and replied, “I doubt it. We were so careful. I would bet there is almost zero percent chance. I mean, of course, I feel a little strange and I’ll get tested to be officially eliminated. But I’m sure I’ll be fine.”
“Oral sex, Jody,” he said softly.
She nodded, staring forward as well. Resolutely she said, “I’m aware of that. That’s probably why my chances aren’t quite down to zero.”
“I’m so sorry,” he repeated and this time without any inflection, which she attributed to his genuine concern. That thought was confirmed when she saw his hand tremble again. He feared for her and that’s why he was filled with so much guilt now.
“Well, I’ll go to the doctor too. Nothing else to do now but find out for sure and be smarter.”
“You know, you have every right to be angry. Disgusted. Revolted. I probably would have been.”
She shrugged and answered, “No. And if you were, I’d find you revolting. Someone gave this to you, someone who was no
more at fault than you are now. Unless they knew beforehand, of course. Then, they weaponized it into becoming something meant to be hurtful. That’s a whole different story.”
“How can you be so…”
“What? Sane? Caring? Decent? Because that’s how you should have treated me.”
He nodded. “I’m sorry.”
“For that?”
“For everything.”
“I don’t know if I accept your apology.”
“Perfectly understandable.”
“Why aren’t you drinking?”
He glanced at the drink. “Do you want it?”
“Yes.” She downed it and it helped ease the throbbing pain in her head and heart.
“Alcohol doesn’t sit well ever since I found out.”
“Right.” She released the empty glass to the counter. “Let’s go. I don’t want to stay out now.”
“Go? Together? Us?”
She sighed. “Yes. You have nowhere else to go tonight. Duh. A fleabag motel? Come off it. Not after this news. You can stay in my guest room. Karlee’s old room. For tonight.” Already on her feet, Jody was starting to walk when she beckoned him to follow. Once outside, she added, “But first, I need to make a quick stop.”
“Where to?”
“My parents’ house.”
“Wh-what?”
“I’m freaked out about it a little bit too. I’m not sure what else to do. But I want them to know.” She pulled out some money. “Get a ride to my place. Here’s the key. I’ll be there in an hour or so.”
“I don’t need your money this time.”
“Right.” She shoved the key his way. “If you run, at least, have the courtesy to mail the key back to me.”
She turned and walked over to her security. “I need a ride to my parents’ house.” She explained, rarely using them that way. She needed to process what happened to figure it all out. She had to tell her mom.
Mostly, it was that.
She entered her parents’ house with her own key and the place was dark. It was after eleven and they were both in bed. Hoping not to scare or upset them, she quietly walked into their bedroom. “Mom? Dad?” she whispered and no one moved. She said it louder.
Some rustling. More movement, and the light clicked on. Her dad blinked at her as her mom woke up. “Jody?” her mom muttered.
“Are you okay?” her dad asked as his gaze scanned her body for blood or injury. Hearing his words opened the waterworks and she started to cry. Hard. She all but leapt across the room and crawled onto the bed with them. Seconds later, she was wrapped in her mom’s arms, being cradled like when she was a kid.
She cried without explaining why. She cried out her anger at the harm Ross actually did to her when he left. She still couldn’t resist him and now he was waiting for her at her place. HIV positive and full of his own fears. Yet, he captured her heart and she never gave it so willingly before. How could she reconcile everything now with the man she thought she loved?
Her mom’s hand rubbed her hair in soothing strokes and Jody became aware that her dress was scratching her skin. She wanted to be a child again so they could fix whatever was wrong in her life.
Her mom held her while she cried and buried her face in her mom’s shoulder as the flood of tears streamed unchecked. Joelle whispered soft words and made soothing sounds to comfort her and let her know she was always welcome to come there and do this. She was always supported by them unconditionally. That’s exactly what she needed to hear right now.
And what she deserved.
Ross could not give her that. She might love him but he was not healthy enough to return her love in a mutually healthy relationship. So, he being her love, her very first love, was both pointless and painful. She began to cry harder.
Her dad sat beside them, pulling her up against the headboard. His voice briefly penetrated her grief. “Can you just tell me this: are you physically okay right now?”
She almost smiled against her mom’s neck as she replied, “Yes. It’s all emotional.”
She thought, as of now. That small thread of fear crossed her mind: oral sex. She had unprotected oral sex with Ross. She never really gave it any credence. Adamant about condoms, she always insisted because it was the easiest way to practice safe sex. All people should take advantage of that. No questions. No big deal. People who claimed it was better without? Well, if you never tried it without them, you wouldn’t know the difference.
Finally, the torrent of tears started to slow until it was reduced to sniffles and eventually, gasps and hiccups. Jody cuddled next to her mom. She loved it when Joelle stroked her hair.
When she pulled herself free and sniffled, her mom got up and came back with a box of tissues. “What happened, sweetheart?” Joelle asked her gently. Rubbing her arm, then her shoulder while lifting her strands of hair off her face, she waited for her daughter to speak. Jody sniffled and blew her nose loudly into the tissue before she wiped away her snot and tears.
“Ross came back.”
“Oh.” Joelle’s tone was hesitant.
“He showed up at The Hill Bar. I was there with friends. And he just manifested from thin air.”
“And let me guess, you weren’t as okay with his absence as you pretended to be?” her mom suggested.
Jody blew her nose again and shook her head, glancing at her dad with visible regret. “No. Turns out, I wasn’t.”
Her mom snorted. “The only one who didn’t know that was you.”
“I hate fucking musicians,” her dad said softly. “I saw how you looked at him, that’s why I wanted to see him. Just to check him out in case he was a creep and I was right.”
“Oh, it’s so much worse than that.” She tugged on her skirt. “Could I have a shirt? Something warm to wear? I’m cold.”
Her mom got up and disappeared into their gigantic, shared closet. Jody followed and eagerly took the t-shirt and stretchy pants her mom gave her with a thick pair of socks. They wore the same size. It took her a moment to slip on the comfortable clothing that instantly made her feel better and safer. Ridiculous, but true. She came out of the closet and sat on the edge of the bed by her mom.
Joelle took her hand and Jody squeezed back. “He must have come back for a reason.”“He’s…” Wow, explaining this was harder than Jody expected. Most likely, she was fine. And even if she got it, the chances of living a long, satisfying life were high, but still. It was an incurable virus. Something she might not always find controllable. A sense of terror bolted through her. “I’m sorry,” she gave her dad a look, “but this is hard.”
“There’s nothing in the world you can’t tell us. I’m here. Jody. I’m always here for you. There’s nothing you could say that would ever change that.”
“I know,” Jody replied, taking in a deep breath and staring at her mom’s hand. “Ross tested positive for HIV. He came back to tell me that. So…” she glanced up and her voice broke as she added, “so I would be sure to get tested.”
“Oh, honey.” Her mom instantly leaned forward and held her tightly against her. Jody cuddled closer, needing her comfort and the tight feeling of home and safety.
“I’m sorry. We—” She peeked at her dad; talk about awkward.
He shook his head. “This isn’t the time to hide anything from us.”
“We, I mean, I was always careful. We used condoms every time we had sex. But…” she shuddered and hid her face. There was only so much she could expect her parents to listen to and have to face. “But there were other… things. You know, ways… that… that I’m worried about.”
A hand touched her shoulder. Her dad’s warm, flat hand was on her back. “Jody, come here.”
She turned and moved closer to him. He sat on the edge of the bed and pulled her in for a hug. She clung to him and whispered, “I’m scared.” He held her strong and firm, like he could keep the world at bay from her. That was always her strongest impression of him. Until she turned twenty and realized she had to kee
p the fucking world at bay by herself. As soon as he wrapped her up in his arms, all of her bravado, strategies and strength leeched away and she was simply their little girl again.
“Well, we’ll be right here with you no matter what. Right? You’ll have whatever you need. Whenever you need it.”
She knew that. That’s why she went there.
Glancing up at her dad’s face, she saw his fear and concern for her. Not shame, embarrassment or even blame.
What if they turned on her and blamed her for this? Or worse, for something terrible that happened to JayJay? What if they began hating her? How horrible would that feel? She took in a new perspective of what that might do to someone like Ross. She had no intention of forgiving him but she began to realize how hard it might be for someone like him to overcome.
“This. I just needed you to know. I needed you both to know. That’s it.”
“We’re always here for you,” her mom replied gently. “You better stay here tonight.”
Jody sighed and mumbled, releasing her dad and finally beginning to act her age now. “Ross is at my place now. He had nowhere else to go.”
Her dad sighed and she shot him a look. “I swear to God, I won’t do anything… you know, considering…”
Nick shook his head. “I sighed for you, not for my own disappointment. That’s tough to face today. Your own pain and this are a scary combination.”
“Yes. All that.”
Her mom studied her. “Tell him to come here.”
Jody and her dad whipped around, giving Joelle big-eyed stares. They glanced at each other and then at her again. “What?”
Her mom nodded, always calm and serene. “Jody, you’re terrified. You need comfort; you can’t give it. I understand your feelings towards him. He hurt you but your feelings need to work out. He can come here. We will behave, won’t we, Nick?” Joelle gave Nick a fierce, chiding glance and he responded with a pursed-lip glare but nodded. She continued, “Tell him to come here. You can figure out what to do tomorrow.”
