Sliding Down the Sky

by Amanda Dick

  He was right. I didn’t get it, and he must’ve seen that, so he tried again.

  “Music was everything to her. It was her livelihood, her hobby, her safety net, her coping mechanism. She lived it, breathed it, wrote it, played it, sang it – it came out of her as a way to deal with everything that happened to her. Puberty, falling in love, falling out of love, losing our parents, moving to the city, meeting new people, losing old friends, a sky-rocketing career – all of it. It was like a code book – every experience had to go through music to be understood. It was the way she expressed herself and understood everything, all at the same time. I know, because that’s what it is to me, and Sass and I are the same. That’s why it hurts so damn much to see her like this.”

  I heard him suck in a deep breath, and I felt for him. I knew how much it hurt, to watch someone you love in so much pain and be unable to help.

  “She’s got nothing to filter anything through anymore. She’s lost. She said the music’s gone – her life is gone, the life she knew anyway. She’s just… she’s trying to make sense of everything but she’s just wandering aimlessly in the dark, looking for the door.”

  Jesus.

  “Sometimes I can’t even bear to look at her,” he said quietly. “Every time I see her arm, I just get this God-awful sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, and shit just gets way too real.”

  He huffed out a breath and then sucked it back in again, like he was having trouble breathing.

  “She says she feels guilty,” I said. “Because of what happened to Jason. She blames herself. She’s punishing herself.”

  He just stared at his feet, nodding.

  “I know.”

  The singing stopped, and we both turned around to look into the house. A few moments later, a door closed at the other end of the house.

  “She’s gone back to bed,” Leo said. “She won’t remember a thing in the morning.”

  I had no idea what to say. I could understand why Leo didn’t want to tell her, but it felt like lying to her anyway.

  “Please don’t tell her,” he said, reading my mind. “I don’t know what it’d do to her if she knew. She’s trying so damn hard right now, to move forward and put it all behind her. She’s got this thing about needing to plan everything, to be in control of everything, and this isn’t something she can control – at least not right now. It’s something she needs, whether she knows it or not, and I need to know she’s gonna be okay. As long as she’s got an outlet, I kinda think she will be. She has to be.”

  I looked over at him in the darkness, to find him staring back at me intently. If his words didn’t convince me, the look on his face would’ve. He was desperate and it was obvious.

  “I won’t tell her.”

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  “Man, I'm sick of doubt.”

  Jim Morrison

  Callum

  “You look like shit.”

  I glared at Bill as I walked past him, heading for the break room and the coffee I knew I’d need to get through the next few hours.

  “I’m not hungover, if that’s what you’re suggesting,” I snapped. “I’m just tired. Late night last night, that’s all.”

  He turned to follow me, which pissed me off even more. I grabbed a clean mug out of the cupboard and poured myself a coffee from the pot. Strong, black coffee with a couple of sugars, that’s what I needed to get through this Tuesday. That, and for Bill to get off my back. I had enough to think about. I’d gotten hardly any sleep after Leo went back to bed, and I left before anyone else woke up.

  I’d spent the night going over and over what she’d said, and what Leo had said afterwards. I couldn’t get her voice out of my head. So full of sorrow and soul, like I’d never heard her before. There was no two ways about it, her voice was haunting, beautiful, and yet she only sang when she wasn’t even aware of it. How the hell was that healthy? What did she get out of it, if she didn’t even know she was doing it?

  “Hope you’re not too tired to work on Weston’s sedan. He’s picking it up today and he’s already called to make sure it’s gonna be ready on time.”

  I took a sip of piping hot coffee and tried to keep a lid on my temper. I knew perfectly well what the deadline was.

  “I’ll be fine. I just need to get some coffee into me, then I’ll get right on it.”

  I turned my back on him and went over to the table to sit down. The room was tiny, with a small kitchen counter, fridge, table and two chairs. A small, high window provided light, but this was a garage – everything looked like it needed a good clean. Most of this stuff had been here longer than I’d been alive. Bill had sprung for the new paint job on the outside, but the inside was still waiting its turn. I wasn’t holding my breath.

  We used to get on really well but lately, we’d started getting on each other’s nerves. We were a mechanic down and struggling to keep up. Not to mention the fact that he was asking too many questions and meddling too much in my life outside work, and it rubbed me up the wrong way. Suddenly, everything he said was a trigger. It sounded like he was judging me, and unlike my friends, I didn’t have to take it from him. I was only at work eight hours a day. Outside of that, my life was my own.

  I got to work on the sedan as soon as I’d had my coffee. Preoccupied by what had happened the night before, the hours seemed to fly by until it was almost done. I was re-assembling it just before lunch when Sass turned up.

  “You’ve got a visitor,” Bill called out from the office.

  I looked up and she was standing there. Even from across the garage, I could tell something was up.

  I put down the wrench I’d been holding and went over to her, wiping my hands on my blue overalls.

  “Hey,” I said.

  “Hi.”

  I was right. Up close, it was even more obvious that all was not well. She was wound up tighter than a spring. I saw no point in beating about the bush.

  “What’s going on?”

  She fidgeted, not quite meeting my eyes. It was like last night had never even happened, and we were back at square one again.

  “Can we talk?” she said.

  “Of course. Hang on.”

  I walked over to the office and leaned in the door. Bill was doing paperwork but it was clear he’d been watching us, even though he tried to pretend he wasn’t.

  “I’m gonna take an early lunch. The sedan’s almost done. If Weston phones again, tell him to come in at one. It’ll be ready by then.”

  “Yeah, okay.”

  No arguments, thankfully, I had enough on my plate. I walked back to Sass and took her elbow, leading her out onto the forecourt and away from Bill’s prying eyes.

  “What’s the matter?” I asked, as we stopped beside my car. “Is everything okay?”

  She glanced back at the garage.

  “It’s okay, he can’t hear us,” I said, letting go of her arm.

  “I’m sorry about last night,” she blurted out, finally looking up at me. “The last time I was in a relationship – a proper relationship, as in one that lasted more than a couple of nights – was when I was nineteen years old. I’m thirty-one now, and I’ve forgotten all the rules. I can’t remember what I’m supposed to do, it’s been so long. I don’t remember how much I’m supposed to share, and how much I’m meant to keep to myself, and when you’re supposed to do all that stuff.”

  I nodded slowly, trying to keep up.

  “And I’m pretty sure that last night I said too much, too soon. I don’t blame you for taking off early. I just wanted to come by and explain that, just in case you think… God, I don’t know. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. This has all happened so fast.”

  “Hey,” I said, taking her by the shoulders and holding her gaze. “The reason I took off early this morning had nothing to do with what happened last night. I had to go home and have a shower before I came to work – that’s all, nothing else. And for the record, I’m not that great in the relationship stakes either. And a
s for the rules – screw ‘em. I never understood them anyway. Let’s just make up new ones, ones that suit us. I think we already did anyway – the truth, remember? Always. And here’s another one – you can tell me whatever you want, whenever you want. Okay?”

  She nodded, her beautiful, deep green eyes burning into mine. I pulled her into my arms and held her close.

  “You’ve been stewing on this ever since you woke up this morning, haven’t you?”

  She nodded into my shoulder as her arms linked around my back. What the hell was it going to take to convince her?

  My phone beeped in my pocket. I didn’t move. I was enjoying this too much. Sass, in my arms, in the sunshine. It was gonna take a lot more than a beeping phone to get me to give that up.

  “Your phone’s buzzing.”

  “I know. It’s just a text. Probably from my Mom. We’re overdue a phone call and she’s getting antsy.”

  She pulled away, looking up at me.

  “Do you want to call her? I don’t mind. I’ll leave you to it.”

  “Are you kidding? No, I’ll call her later. It could take a while. Mom doesn’t do things by halves.”

  “You sure?”

  “Positive. What are you doing right now? Can I take you to lunch?”

  “It’s only eleven-thirty.”

  “I told Bill I was taking an early lunch, so let’s go to the diner. You up for that?”

  She smiled. It wasn’t a bright smile or a particularly genuine one, but it was all the encouragement I needed.

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  “The music beckons to those who are listening.”

  – Robert Plant

  Sass

  Aria was the picture of concentration. I sat on the floor in my room, watching her draw me with crayons. She wouldn’t let me see my portrait until she was done, and when I tried to peek she gave me exactly the same look Leo used to when we were kids. Like she was just tolerating me, and she was almost done with my bullshit. I choked down a giggle, straightened my face and tried to toe the line.

  Ever since lunch with Callum I’d been on a high – one I didn’t ever want to come down from. I didn’t want to analyse it, not yet. I was too busy lapping it up, storing it inside for those times when things weren’t so great.

  “Are you almost done?” I asked.

  “Not yet.”

  She’d been saying that for the past fifteen minutes. The longer she spent drawing me, the more curious I became. What exactly was on the other side of that piece of paper?

  Just then, there was a knock at the door and she looked up at me in pure consternation.

  “I have to see who that is,” I said, standing up. “But I’ll be back in a minute, okay?”

  She nodded, taking care to hide the artwork from me as I tried to steal a peek on my way to the front door.

  “Hurry up,” she frowned. “I not finished yet!”

  “I know, I know.”

  I leant into the living room as I passed, peering out the window to see who was on the porch before I opened the door. If it was someone I didn’t recognise, I wasn’t planning on even opening the door in case it was a reporter. It wasn’t a reporter, though.

  I opened the door and Callum stood there, his hands on the back of Ally’s empty wheelchair, while Jack stood behind him, carrying her in his arms.

  “Hi,” I said, worried that I’d missed something.

  A chorus of ‘hi’s followed.

  “I come bearing gifts,” Callum said. “Well, babysitters actually, which is kinda the same thing. Jack and Ally have kindly offered to watch Aria tonight.”

  I opened my mouth to speak, but he beat me to it.

  “I’ve cleared it with Leo and Gemma, I just need to ask you one further question, and then we can go on to stage two.”

  “Stage two?”

  “First things first. Are you free for dinner tonight?”

  I looked at Ally and Jack. Ally was smiling, Jack was trying to be cool. I got the distinct impression that both of them were downplaying the situation under instructions from Callum, which intrigued me.

  My gaze swung back to Callum and I silently questioned him – what the hell was going on here? He hadn’t mentioned anything about this over lunch.

  As if he’d heard me, his mouth quirked up into one of those lop-sided grins that melted my insides. He had this uncanny knack of looking insecure yet cocky at the same time – like a weird mixture of lost puppy and smouldering playboy. It made me lose my train of thought in a puff of hormones.

  “Sass?” he prompted, clearly amused at the state I was in, and cocky enough to realise that I wasn’t about to refuse him.

  “What?”

  “Dinner. Are you free tonight?”

  “Apparently I am,” I managed.

  “Great,” he said, breaking into a grin. “Now onto stage two. While you go and get ready, we’ll come inside, get these guys settled in with Aria, then we can move onto stage three.”

  “Stage –“

  “Just leave that to me. Off you go – and grab a jacket.”

  “Where are we going?”

  He actually winked at me, the smug bastard.

  “You’ll see.”

  I wanted to say something witty to show him that he hadn’t gotten the better of me, but it was bullshit. He had, he knew it, and there was zero I could say to convince him otherwise. I gave up, turning away and heading for my room, still a bit dazed and mourning the loss of my old self. My old self would never have put up with this. But then, my old self had never been wooed. My old self didn’t do relationships. All of this was new ground, apparently for both of us.

  “Where’s Aria?” Ally asked, as they followed me into the house.

  I turned back to them as Jack was depositing her carefully into her wheelchair. Before I had the chance to answer, Aria came out to see what was going on. She took one look at Ally and broke into a wide grin. It was clear who her favourite was.

  “Hello!” she squealed. “You come to see me?”

  “I did,” Ally smiled. “We’re gonna be looking after you tonight, while Callum and Sassy go out. Is that okay?”

  I held my breath, because I knew she wanted to finish my portrait. But Aria didn’t need long to think about it.

  “A-ha,” she said, smiling coyly. “You take me for a ride in your pushchair?”

  Ditchable prom date, that’s what I was. She never even gave me a second glance.

  Jack laughed, hanging back and watching Ally and Aria together. After Sunday night’s barbeque, I got the impression that Ally was much more comfortable with kids than he was, but I wasn’t worried. Aria was a people person. She’d show him the ropes, just like she did with Callum.

  “Absolutely,” Ally said, and Aria ran straight to her.

  She climbed up onto her lap with a little help from Jack, then like some kind of procession, the two of them wheeled into the living room, Aria sitting on Ally’s lap like the princess she was. It was as if she had known them forever, and I was kinda jealous at how open she was to new people and new experiences. It must be so easy when you’re three.

  “I think we’re gonna be fine,” Ally said, as they came back into the hallway again.

  “Go,” Jack said, waving his hand at me. “You need to get ready. We’ll be fine out here.”

  He grabbed Callum by the shoulder, turning him around and almost pushing him into the living room. There was nothing for me to do but go to my room and try to figure out what the hell I was going to wear.

  I stood in front of my wardrobe in dismay. Date clothes. I didn’t have any of those. I had stage clothes – most of which I’d ditched already – and street clothes, mainly consisting of black jeans, leather and long-sleeved shirts. I started to panic. I could feel it building like a pressure cooker inside of me. I bent over double and breathed, nice and slow. I wanted to go to dinner with Callum, I reasoned with myself. He’d seen me at my worst. He probably didn’t care what I wore.

 
But I did. I wanted to feel worthy of him.

  I took another deep breath and stood upright. Black jeans – my staple – a black fitted t-shirt and a long-sleeved, slightly sheer, black shirt, left unbuttoned. I changed as quickly as possible, but excitement, nerves – whatever – made things more challenging. I struggled into my black biker boots, the ones with the laces that pissed me off. I breathed through the frustration that came with having to tie them, and pulled the legs of my jeans down over them. By the time I grabbed my black leather jacket, opening the cuff on the left sleeve so my prosthesis would slide in easier later, I was breathless.

  Callum might think that this was just dinner, but to me it was a triumph, and despite my nerves, I was going to ride this train till the very end of the line.

  I drew myself up to my full height and ignored my pounding heart.

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  “Everything is clearer when you’re in love.”

  – John Lennon

  Callum

  She looked amazing. Black was definitely her colour, and even though I’d seen her mostly in black before now, tonight she looked different somehow. Maybe it was the attitude – she seemed more confident in herself. I told myself that may have something to do with last night, the direct result of her sharing a piece of herself with me. God, I hoped so.

  I loved the way her tight jeans molded to her legs, her ass, her thighs, her hips. The black shirt, almost sheer but not quite, floated around her waist as she walked. She looked like a model, dressed all in black, with leather biker boots that hinted at her rebel soul. Most women would’ve opted for heels, but that’s what I loved about her. She wasn’t most women.

  We waved goodbye to Aria through the window, and I opened the car door for her, closing it after her. As I walked around the car to the driver’s side, I looked up and Jack was still standing at the window, watching. Thank God he and Ally didn’t have plans tonight. I had to do this tonight, I didn’t want to wait any longer. I hoped she was going to like what I had in mind, because I’d been planning it since lunch.