Reborn as a Vending Machine, I Now Wander the Dungeon, Vol. 2

by Hirukuma

  “KIL…L…SOMEO…NE… KI…LL…”

  “Wh-what’s wrong?” stammers the engineer. “I didn’t give it the powers of speech. What is going on? I…I have to stop it!”

  The engineer goes around behind the golden mannequin and fiddles with something. As he does, the mannequin’s head spins around and looks at him.

  “N-nooo! I pressed the emergency shutdown button! Why won’t you stop?!”

  “ARE YOU…THE ONE…WHO AWOKE ME FROM MY SLUMBER?!”

  A cry of despair from the mannequin fills the entire tent.

  The large magic-item engineer is backing off, seeming dumbfounded, but the mannequin edges toward him, one arm hanging in front of it.

  “You idiot!” shouts Hulemy. “Did you seal a human soul inside a puppet by force?! Hey, you, in the black clothes—go hold that thing down! I’ll handle the rest somehow!”

  The black-clad bodyguards are flabbergasted, but they immediately remember their duty. They all jump on the mannequin at once, quickly binding its arms and legs, pinning it to the ground.

  They are bodyguards, after all. They seem accustomed to this.

  Hulemy places a hand on a round gem on the berserk mannequin’s back, then exhales. “Preventing a soul’s escape with a magic circle, and even using a brainwashing spell… You piece of shit. You’re a defiler of the dead!”

  Hulemy, enraged, glares at the magic-item engineer. His face grows pale.

  “It must have been so hard…,” she continues to the mannequin. “Sorry for waking you up. None of this is your fault. This time, you can rest in peace.”

  As she whispers gently, her fingers trace something atop the gem. A moment later, the berserk mannequin’s head stops, and the red lights in its eyes go out.

  “We can rest easy now. I undid the restraints and released the soul. It won’t ever move again.”

  “N-no! I spent so many years on this research and finally came up with this technique! You couldn’t possibly undo it after a cursory glance!”

  The magic-item engineer, unable to accept the facts, drops to his knees and sprays spittle everywhere as he cries out.

  “Ha. Big talk for someone who used such a crude method. In the hands of Hulemy, it’s weaker than a baby frog fiend.”

  That’s an extreme analogy, but I recall it being an expression in this world. Frog-fiend children are similar to tadpoles, with no combat power, weak enough that even children could stomp them out.

  “H-Hulemy?! Mayhem’s Prodigy Hulemy?!”

  “Don’t call me that.”

  All the magic-item engineers in attendance seem shocked at the man’s outburst. She must be pretty famous in the industry.

  “Hulemy? You mean the problem child who caused several explosions and small fires in her time at the School of Magic-Item Engineering? Though her grades were apparently excellent.”

  “The rumors say she once made a sleeping drug that was so strong, it knocked out everyone at the school.”

  “I heard she developed a chemical to purify water, and when she poured it into a dirty lake, it not only purified it, but evaporated all the water!”

  Hulemy can hear the engineers talking, and she steadily grows redder and redder.

  Would you knock it off already? Please, stop exposing the shame of her younger years!

  In the end, the mannequin was broken to pieces, and the engineer responsible was escorted out by the guards.

  The famous Hulemy—for better or worse—has a crowd of admirers around her now. Looking at her embarrassed-yet-happy expression makes me feel like that alone makes the commotion worth it.

  There’s something to be said for Suori, too, as others lavish her with praise for the personal magic-item engineer she employed. With a huge grin on her face, she speaks to Kanashi, who bites a handkerchief in frustration.

  The commotion was annoying, but they’ve accepted Hulemy, and Suori seems satisfied, so I think we can deem our mission a success.

  The only unresolved matter is—well, the cloth is still covering me. Do I not get a chance to show off? Hey, did you all forget about something?

  Canned Oden

  Winters in the Clearflow Lake stratum are fairly severe, and while not as bad as regions of heavy snowfall in Japan, there is still a constant two-inch layer of snow on the ground. If more snow fell, the tents would be in danger of collapsing, so they almost never get more than a couple feet of accumulation… Hopefully anyway.

  The monsters on this stratum burrow deep underground to hibernate during the winter, making hunting and material collecting difficult. The gatekeeper Karios, eating a can of oden, explains that the modus operandi is to cloister in the settlement.

  This year, however, the reconstruction efforts mean the settlement has no want for work. Even the hunters who usually move to a different stratum once winter comes are staying here. I remember the young merchant happily telling me, with a milk tea in one hand, that it’s a good time to turn a profit.

  I’ve fallen into a pattern of stocking only drinks until the eateries close up shop for the day, then bringing out foods to join them after. I understand the outside air is very cold, but since I don’t have any temperature-sensing features, it doesn’t bother me at all.

  Oh, but maybe I should add one that can measure the temperature. More advanced vending machines, so called next-generation ones, can gauge the temperature and even display recommended items.

  As for points… That’s not too much. Maybe I should choose it.

  “Phew, it’s cold out. Time for some soup and a hot meal.”

  Few are curious enough to buy my products after night has set and the frigid winds are blustering. Considering the familiar voice, this is doubtlessly Karios, a gatekeeper.

  “Gorth, what are you getting today?”

  “Sweet tea.”

  “That’s all you ever get.”

  “And cooked food on a skewer is all you ever get.”

  Karios and Gorth must be on gate duty today. It’s pretty commendable that they work so hard, even in cold weather. After they buy their warmed items, they like to put them in their inside pockets for a while for warmth, so I set them to be a little hotter than normal.

  “Piping hot, as always. Thanks, Boxxo.”

  “My thanks.”

  “Thank you,” I reply. They’ve seemed to realize I’m adjusting the heat in consideration of them, so they always thank me.

  These two might be the ones I’ve talked to the most after coming to this settlement, except for Lammis. Well, it’s more like Karios rattles on and on, leaving Gorth and me to follow along idly.

  They arch their backs, and with their thick coat collars up, they disappear into the dark. When I see them like that, it makes me want to set up closer to the gate, but Lammis refuses to be any farther from me, so I seldom move away from my normal spot with the girls’ tent in view.

  After seeing the two regulars off, something red slides into the corner of my vision.

  Here we go again.

  It’s a woman wearing a dress as red as blood. Not a short-sleeved dress, mind you, but a long one with baggy sleeves. She’s probably bundled up underneath that. The scarf around her neck is scarlet as well, with her shoes and gloves equally crimson in color. I can’t get a good view of her face, though. Her long black hair reaches down to her waist, and her bangs hang down to the tip of her nose. Her mouth is the only thing I can see, her lips dyed rouge.

  The woman stands idly, an eerie drop of red against the midnight darkness. Normally, one might understandably cry out and run away, but I can’t move, nor do any of my features let me scream.

  More importantly, I’ve gotten used to her.

  She shows up pretty frequently—and always at night.

  A nighttime regular is unusual by itself, and her clothes only add to it. I’d remember her even if I didn’t want to.

  I feel it’s dangerous for a woman to walk around alone at night, but if you asked me if anyone had the courage to speak up to h
er, I don’t know if I could answer.

  As always, after buying a can of oden, she slips back into the darkness.

  I’ve already reincarnated as a vending machine. It wouldn’t be strange for ghosts to exist. Still, she has a physical form—she’s actually alive. And the moment she picks up the can of oden, a smile tugs at her lips. Maybe she’s crazy for the stuff.

  My customers are my customers, no matter what kind of people they are. And she makes it a little less lonely for me when I’m out here all by my mechanized self.

  Still, it really seems like it’ll be cold today.

  “Phew. Why do we have to be on duty on such a miserably cold night?”

  “Give it a rest.”

  The shaven Karios and the crew-cut Gorth are on the lookout again tonight, it seems. They’re particularly skilled among the rest of the settlement’s guards, so they’re frequently assigned to night shifts, when terrible monsters have a higher chance of appearing.

  “It’s so cold. Should’ve put on another scarf.”

  “Your taste in color is awful as always.”

  “Ha! Shows what you know. Red’s my lucky color. Had a trusted conjurer tell me once.”

  I’m honestly not sure about a red scarf on a rugged guy, but everyone has their own likes and dislikes. What’s most important is that a person wears what they like.

  “Speaking of red, you hear those rumors?”

  “Yeah, the one about the scarlet ghost lady? I hear people have been spotting her late at night recently. We’ll have to get rid of her if she’s a harmful ghost, though.”

  Ghosts are objects of fear in this world, too—but can you hunt them? I should have expected as much from an alternate world. I don’t see a hint of fear in either of these two.

  The rumored ghost must be that woman. I thought she was a ghost the first time, too, so I can understand why gossip about her is making the rounds.

  The pair of guards buy their usual cans of oden and milk tea, then head swiftly toward the gate. A moment before they go out of sight, the usual woman in red comes into view.

  This may be late in coming, but I’ve noticed a pattern to when she shows up. She always comes here right after those two guards appear. Then, clutching a can of oden, she disappears in the direction of the gate, as though following them.

  Even I have enough information to realize what’s going on. The woman in red clothes has a thing for Karios. She buys oden, his favorite product, and puts together red outfits, a color he said he liked.

  She comes off as a bit of a stalker, which is scary, but if she’s watching him from afar, there shouldn’t be a problem…I think.

  As I observe her closely, a gust of cold wind blows through, whipping her bangs up. One look at the face underneath and I gasp.

  Clear eyes and a perfect nose. Her lips are painted red in an unembellished yet very charming expression—so charming I accidentally record it on my vending machine surveillance camera.

  “Sir Karios…”

  I hear her voice for the first time, seemingly fragile and nearly carried away on the night breeze, but I can sense the passion in her words.

  I don’t believe Karios has a lover or a wife. If she really made an advance on him, I think he’d fall for her, but she doesn’t appear to have the courage. Besides, it depends on his own tastes, so I suppose all I can do is watch over them warmly.

  Clutching her can of oden in her hands, she again heads off in the direction of the gate, as though wandering after Karios.

  “Right, we’re off duty today! What should I do?”

  Karios raises his voice, giddy enough to break into a skip as he appears in front of me. This is the first time I’ve seen him in normal clothing, and they’re, well, normal. Save for the red scarf anyway, which sticks out like a sore thumb, reminding me of the first of those old kamen-whatevers.

  “Why not buy some equipment at that furniture shop?”

  Gorth seems to be on his way to his post, so he’s in his usual attire. He buys a milk tea.

  “Oh, y-you’re right. If you say so. To the furniture shop!”

  Hmm? He’s starting to fidget for some reason. He stares at himself in my glass, checking to see if his clothes are wrinkled.

  Gorth, watching him, smirks and says, “Heh.”

  “A-all right, maybe I’ll get a souvenir for… Oh!”

  “O-oh, hello, Karios.”

  Karios sees a woman passing through by chance and his back immediately straightens up. The woman, too, stiffens, holding bags in both arms.

  “Wh-what a coincidence. I was just about to head to the furniture store.”

  “I—I see. I was just heading back there myself. Oh, that’s quite the beautiful red scarf you have.”

  “I see. I actually quite like red.”

  Karios’s polite tone feels completely wrong. Despite the cold weather, sweat begins to form on his brow and temples. He seems pretty nervous.

  The woman’s eyes are wandering as well, making her seem rather suspicious. Wait, could these two be tog— Oh, her face… I know that face. She’s holding her bangs out of her face with an Alice band, so I can see it clearly. It’s that woman in the red clothes. I compared it with the image on my surveillance camera, and there’s no doubt.

  Wait, is this an honest-to-goodness case of mutual interest? I want to wish them well, but at the same time, it makes me a little mad for some reason.

  “Karios, if you’re going to the furniture shop, why not offer to carry her things?”

  Oh, good one, Gorth.

  “Y-yeah. If it pleases you, I’ll carry your things.”

  “Th-thank you very much.”

  He takes her bags, and the two walk away side by side. As he watches their backs, Gorth heaves a sigh. “Good grief. They should just start dating already.”

  “Welcome.” I think so, too. I make my agreement known.

  Late that night, as the usual pair leaves me, the blur of red—the furniture shop lady—appears. As always, she clutches her can of oden, gazing after Karios.

  “Sir Karios, how can I make my feelings known to you?”

  The definition of a maiden in love.

  According to Gorth, Karios rescued her just as a belligerent hunter was dragging her into the dark in the settlement not too long ago.

  She started talking to him after that, and before he knew it, Karios had seriously fallen for her. Despite his hearty nature, he was apparently slow to mature when it came to women, and couldn’t get himself to take the first step, a behavior that had persisted to this day.

  Hmm. A chance? The best option is for the man to take the lead, but with such a stern appearance and his nerves around women, he won’t be able to talk about much.

  But if there was a reason for the woman to make the approach… Hmm, yeah, that might work.

  She sighs. “Once again, I’ve dressed myself in your favorite red today, and yet I can do naught but watch as you leave… Oh?”

  I ignore her soliloquy and change my body’s shape—to a vending machine I once saw selling vegetables at an eatery.

  “Are these vegetables?”

  As she looks at me, confused, I open up my glass-paned, locker-like lid to reveal several daikon radishes.

  “I, huh? Can I take these?”

  “Welcome.”

  After watching her nervously take the daikon radish, I change into my egg-vending mode. I provide her with a pack of eggs in the same way.

  Then I drop a chikuwa fish cake into my compartment. Not that it matters at the moment, but the myriad of products available from vending machines amazes me. I spotted this one in a certain parking lot.

  Finally, I return to my normal vending machine mode, then stock my shelves with a certain item I’m very fond of, despite it making me look crazy. Plastic bottles full of fish broth.

  I discovered this vending machine in Osaka, and the pricier items in it were flying fish–based broth, known as ago-dashi. An entire fish goes into each bottle of it. />
  “U-um, well, what would you have me do with all this?”

  For the finisher, I drop a can of oden into my compartment. When she sees it, her eyes open wide in surprise at me. She must have realized.

  “You want me to make a stew out of these ingredients, don’t you?”

  “Welcome.”

  “Th-thank you very much! I’ll use this to make him notice me!”

  Understanding everything, she thanks me several times, then runs off in the opposite direction from the gate. As I watch her single-minded zeal, I hope things go well, but the thought of spring coming for Karios irritates me a little. I suppose I can’t help it.

  “Gorth, Boxxo, love is great! Every day shines like the sun! Oh, right, get this—yesterday, she made me a home-cooked meal again, and it was amazing!”

  A few days after the woman invited Karios to eat her homemade oden, the distance between them suddenly closed and they started going out. Ever since then, Gorth and I have had to sit through his amorous boasting.

  Gorth looks at him with cold eyes and an incredibly disdainful expression, but Karios is blissfully unaware. I have to give him credit—every time I see him, he’s able to go on and on about his lady friend without getting bored. It’s not just a little annoying—it’s extremely aggravating.

  I’m starting to regret bringing them together a little.

  “Yeah, it was great. Oh, looks like the watch shifts change soon. I’ll have the same thing as always. It’s not as good as her cooking, but it’s good in its own way!”

  Gleeful, Karios buys a can of oden like always and goes to pick it up.

  “Heeyah! It’s cold! Wh-what’s this? Boxxo, it’s not warm!”

  Pfft. Enjoy your chilled oden.

  Spring Comes

  “Karios, your collar is crooked.”

  “O-oh. Thanks. I think I’ll be back late tonight. Don’t cry because you’re lonely.”

  “I won’t. I’ll make your favorite stew with plenty of eggs and wait for you. Please make doubly sure you’re not injured.”

  “It hurts me so much to leave you that it feels like my body is being torn to shreds… But I have a job to do. I’m sorry.”