Once a Father

by Marie Ferrarella

  She was a good sport, he thought, who knew how to laugh at herself and only took herself seriously when the moment warranted it. The woman, he realized suddenly, had some pretty serious attributes. The fact that she couldn’t bear children shouldn’t have kept her from finding someone, Adam believed.

  All in all, it had been a long day and her excuse for being in it was now asleep. Tracy rose to her feet. “So, I guess I’d better be going.” Picking up her purse, she crossed to the door. Adam followed behind her. “I’ll be by tomorrow around eight.”

  She kept managing to surprise him. He looked at her. “Tomorrow?”

  “Yes.” Impetuously, she’d spun the plan in the time it took her to walk from Jake’s room to the kitchen. “I thought we’d go to an amusement park. Nothing fancy, just something to try to get a response from Jake. Ride the merry-go-round, eat cotton candy, that kind of stuff.”

  The week before the fire, he’d taken Bobby to an amusement park. He wasn’t sure if he was up to this. “Don’t you have to work?”

  She wondered if it was an idle question, or if he was trying to not-so-subtly get rid of her. “I have a month’s worth of a vacation. I decided to use a couple of days to get the two of you acclimated.”

  She said “the two of you” rather than “the boy.” The woman had a unique way of looking at things. “Think I need acclimating?”

  Tracy believed in being honest whenever possible. “Yes, I do. From what I gather, you lead a very solitary life. Having him here is a culture shock to you as well as to Jake.”

  The ends of his mouth curved. “In a way, you’re a culture shock. Should someone be acclimating me to you?”

  She laughed, tickled. “I’d say you’re doing just fine on your own.”

  Adam didn’t know about that. But whether he was or not, there was no denying that she was going out of her way for him as well as the boy. He looked at her, his expression growing serious, as she placed her hand on the doorknob.

  “Thanks for coming, Tracy.”

  Her eyes met his and she looked at him for a long moment.

  “You know, that’s the first time you’ve said my name.” Her smile was wide. “I kind of like it.”

  As she had done the first time, Tracy rose up on her toes to brush her lips against his cheek.

  He wasn’t altogether sure what made him turn his head just then, but he did.

  Their lips met in what appeared to be completely by accident.

  Except that Adam knew better.

  Chapter 8

  Adam wasn’t a man who ordinarily acted rashly. Common sense was his main hallmark.

  Yet something impetuous had goaded him on at the very last second. If he’d stopped to think about it, he wouldn’t have gone through with it.

  But he didn’t think, he reacted. Reacted to the scent of her perfume, to the sound of her laughter, which still hummed in his head like a distant melody. To the longing that had swept over him out of the shadows, reminding him that he was not a statue made of concrete and stone but a flesh and blood man.

  And men had needs that sometimes took hold of them when they least expected it.

  Tracy felt as if she’d been pierced by a flaming arrow.

  Surprise faded in the face of heat that seared through her body like lightning traveling down a shiny metal rod. She felt Adam framing her face with his hands, felt herself leaning into the kiss, her perimeters swiftly melting into liquid, then mist.

  He stole her breath away.

  She didn’t remember encircling his neck with her arms, didn’t remember deepening the kiss that had begun as nothing more than a simple meeting of skin against skin.

  Or had it?

  Hadn’t some deep, distant part of her secretly hoped for an accident such as this? Secretly wished that Adam Collins would react to her presence, would open himself up to her just the tiniest bit?

  Maybe she had, but she’d never expected the results to be like this. It was like dipping her toes into the oncoming tide and suddenly finding herself swept away by a huge wave that engulfed her, body and soul, pulling her away from the shore and safety.

  Safety. There wasn’t any. Her skin tingled with excitement, with anticipation. Whatever this was, it definitely wasn’t safe. She felt herself quivering. Longing.

  Wanting him.

  And then it was over.

  Tracy wasn’t sure who broke the connection, she only knew it was gone.

  Blinking, she tested her lungs for air capacity before venturing a single word, unsure if she could even speak without her voice cracking.

  One breath wasn’t enough. She took another. She looked at him, still stunned. “Well, I didn’t see that coming.”

  He’d overstepped the line, Adam upbraided himself. What the hell was the matter with him?

  Sucking in air as subtly as possible, he ran a hand through his unruly hair. His expression was contrite, almost sheepish. There was no excuse.

  “Sorry, I didn’t mean—”

  Before the sentence was out, she placed her fingers to his lips, silencing him. She didn’t want him to spoil it. “I said I didn’t see that coming. I didn’t say I didn’t like it.”

  He had no idea why he felt as if everything inside of him was smiling foolishly, like some schoolkid who’d stolen his first kiss.

  He hadn’t stolen, he’d taken, like a plundering Viking. Like some sex-starved animal. It was all he could do just to hold himself in check and pull away from her when all he’d wanted to do was continue. Continue and go on to the next level.

  That wasn’t like him.

  He’d always been able to control what went on within him with little to no effort. Control was what he prided himself on. Control was all he had left. Except now he didn’t.

  She was being understanding and he appreciated it. “Still, I had no right to do that. This wasn’t a way to repay you.”

  Unconsciously, she ran the tip of her tongue along her bottom lip. An aroused shiver coursed through her. “Maybe it was.”

  Adam didn’t like this, didn’t like his emotions tearing through the fabric of his resolve. Damn it, he knew better.

  “It won’t ever happen again,” he promised her solemnly.

  Oh God, she hoped that wasn’t a prophesy. With effort, she kept her smile in place.

  “The two words I’ve learned that don’t count in this life are ‘never’ and ‘forever,’ both of which have the word ‘ever’ in them.” There was a gentle kindness in her eyes as she looked up into his. “Let’s just let things ride, okay?”

  He started to protest, then thought better of it. Seeing who he was up against, it was probably useless to argue the point. The woman knew how to wield words better than anyone he’d ever met. Compared to her, he was an amateur.

  So he heard himself saying, “Okay,” even though he didn’t mean it.

  What he did mean was that it wasn’t going to happen again, no matter what she said. He wasn’t going to allow himself to be in that kind of a position again.

  He couldn’t. Because next time, he was afraid he might not be able to stop himself. Kissing her had unleashed something inside of him, something that was incredibly hungry. If he gave in to it, there was no telling where it would lead.

  An awkward moment hung between them. Tracy pressed her lips together. She could still taste him. Her pulse began to race again.

  “So, tomorrow?” she said again.

  “Right. Tomorrow.”

  “See you,” she murmured, leaving.

  Adam slowly closed the door, telling himself he had until tomorrow to pull himself together. A little more than twelve hours.

  He didn’t know if it was enough time.

  It would have to be.

  Like a myopic Cyclops, the red light on Tracy’s answering machine was blinking at her madly, catching her eye the minute she walked into her apartment. There were three messages. Each one from Maureen. Each more urgent in its unabashed, mounting curiosity.

  She deba
ted calling the woman back, knowing she would wind up fielding questions and staying on the phone far longer than she really wanted to. She was tired and she intended to get an early start the next morning.

  Petunia came trotting up to greet her. Squatting down, she petted the pig. “What do you think? Should I call Maureen back? She’ll only talk my ear off and pump me for information.”

  The phone rang, taking the decision away from her.

  “That’s probably Maureen again,” she told the attentive pig.

  Besides, Maureen had gone out of her way for Jake, too, staying beyond her hours to keep the boy company when she was held up in surgery. The least she could do, Tracy decided, was satisfy the nurse’s insatiable curiosity.

  Blowing out a deep breath, Tracy picked up the receiver. “Hello.”

  “Finally. I was going to call the police and put out an APB on you,” Maureen declared in exasperation. “Where have you been?”

  Tracy took off her shoes and made herself comfortable on the sofa, tucking her legs under her. “You know where I’ve been. With Jake.”

  Tracy didn’t have to be told that Maureen translated that to be, “With Adam.” The chuckle on the other end of the line was deep and appreciative, telling her she was right.

  “All this time?”

  Tracy told herself not to be resentful of Maureen’s probing. She was just being cranky because she was tired, nothing else. “He had trouble falling asleep.”

  “Mr. Fireguy?”

  “No,” Tracy corrected tersely. Maureen knew damn well who she was talking about. “Jake. I took the day off to be with the boy, remember?”

  “I remember.” There was a long, heartfelt sigh on the other end of the line. “I’m just worried about your sex life, that’s all.”

  Tracy picked up the program guide from the coffee table and began to leaf through it, wondering if there was anything on television tonight she could fall asleep to. “I don’t have a sex life.”

  “That’s why I’m worried.” Maureen sounded deeply frustrated. “Didn’t anything happen between the two of you?”

  Tracy tossed the guide aside. “Jake responded to something I said.”

  “That’s great.” Maureen dismissed the information. Right now, she was after something more stimulating. “But I mean the other two of you.”

  Tracy didn’t believe in carrying teasing too far. She decided to throw her best friend a small morsel. “He kissed me.”

  “He what?” There was excitement in Maureen’s voice, but the next moment, it was siphoned off as caution entered. “Wait a second, we’re talking about Mr. Fireguy, right? Not the boy.”

  Tracy smiled despite herself as the scene came flooding back to her. “We’re talking about Mr. Fireguy.”

  “Tell me,” Maureen begged. “Tell me everything.”

  Maureen would have her dissecting every pause, every breath if she let her. Tracy knew she wasn’t up to that tonight. She began to scratch Petunia behind the ears. “There’s nothing to tell. I was leaving, he said thank you and I kissed his cheek.”

  Maureen’s disappointment was palatable. “I thought you said—”

  Her generous nature made her cave in. “And then he turned his head and suddenly, it wasn’t his cheek I was kissing anymore. It was him.”

  She could almost see Maureen’s eyes light up. “And he kissed back.” It wasn’t so much a question as a vicarious excursion.

  “Yes.” The sigh, dreamy rather than exasperated, escaped before Tracy could think to stop it. “He kissed me back.”

  “How was it?”

  Though she shared pretty much everything with the other woman, there were some things that remained more special if they weren’t dragged out into the light of day. Or over the phone lines.

  “Maureen—”

  “C’mon, Trace,” Maureen begged, “Throw me a bone here.” She threw in the kicker to tip the scales in her favor. Tracy was nothing if not scrupulously fair. “I’ve just put together a box of clothes for Jake and I’ve thrown in some of Isaac’s old storybooks and toys. The least you can do is give me something to fantasize about.”

  “That’s bribery.”

  “Well, sure.” She said it as if she was surprised it might be viewed as anything else. “Never said that it wasn’t.” Tracy laughed in response. “So give, how was it?”

  Oh what the hell, why not? It wasn’t as if she had some kind of a relationship with the man. For all she knew, he was right, this was a one-time fluke. “I’m surprised I’m still wearing shoes.”

  Eager to get the full impact, Maureen wasn’t sure she understood. “As in knocking them off your feet?”

  “As in burning them off my feet.”

  Maureen squealed with satisfaction. “I knew it, I knew it. The first second I saw those lips of his, I knew he was a great kisser.”

  Petunia was getting restless. Lodging the telephone receiver between her shoulder and neck, Tracy used both hands to pull the small animal onto the sofa. The pig curled up against her, waiting to be petted.

  “Well, you knew more than me,” Tracy told the other woman.

  “Yeah, right.” Like she believed that. She’d seen the way Tracy had looked at the man when she’d thought no one else was looking. There was definite interest there. “You really should get out more, Tracy. So then what happened?” Maureen pressed eagerly again.

  Time to wrap this up. “And then I left,” Tracy told her matter-of-factly.

  “Wait a second. He practically incinerates you and you just walk away? Forgive me, Tracy, but I’m not buying this.”

  “Slowly,” Tracy told her. “I walked away slowly.” What was the harm in admitting it? “My knees felt kind of wobbly.”

  There was a prolonged sigh on the other end. Tracy wondered if Maureen’s husband was overhearing any of this. “So why didn’t you stay? Maybe indulge a little in sheet music?”

  Maybe it was because she was tired, but Maureen had lost her. “Sheet music?”

  Maureen wondered if her friend was deliberately playing dumb. “Warming the sheets, knocking boots—you know.”

  “What I know, Maureen, is that you have one hell of an incredible imagination. It’s a long way between being kissed by a man and sleeping with him.”

  Maureen’s laugh was deep and throaty, and full of innuendoes. “Who said anything about sleeping? So, what’s next on the agenda?”

  “I go to bed—alone.” That wasn’t strictly true, she thought, looking at Petunia. “I’m beat.”

  “I mean with Mr. Fireguy. When are you seeing him again?”

  The pig put her head in Tracy’s lap. Tracy began to feel guiltier about neglecting the animal. Soon, she mouthed to the pet. “We’re taking Jake to the amusement park tomorrow.”

  “Good, good. You’re spending the whole day together, right?”

  It was time to stop indulging Maureen’s fantasies and set her straight. “I think you’re losing focus here, Maureen. This is about the boy.”

  “Of course it is,” Maureen agreed. “But there’s no reason why it can’t be about the man, too.” Knowing how Tracy’s mind worked, she appealed to her softer side, the side that had a tendency to mother everyone. “I saw the look in his eyes. That man needs somebody.”

  As Tracy saw it, that was why he had bonded with the boy. “Well, he has somebody. Jake.”

  “Somebody taller,” Maureen insisted. “You might as well face it, Trace, I’m not going to let up until you have a significant other in your life.”

  She smiled as Petunia snuggled further against her lap. Leaning over, she scratched the pig behind the ear. “I have a significant other. Petunia.”

  Maureen huffed in her ear, clearly at the end of her patience. “I was talking about something that can’t be turned into a side of pork.”

  Pretending that Petunia could understand every word, Tracy covered the mouthpiece. “She didn’t mean it,” she told the pig.

  “God.” Maureen groaned loudly. “This m
an has come into your life just in time, girl. You’re talking to pigs now.”

  Petunia was the last in a long line of pets and Tracy had spoken to every one as if they had a healthy command of the English language and a decent attention span. There was something soothing and private about bonding with a pet.

  “I’ll have you know that I talk to Petunia all the time.”

  Maureen surrendered some ground, knowing this was getting her nowhere. “Beats talking to yourself, I guess. But, like I said, this man has come into your life just in time.”

  “Adam Collins is only in my life insofar as we are both interested in helping Jake.”

  The assertion didn’t daunt Maureen’s enthusiasm. There were high hopes at work here. “Everyone needs a common starting point,” she allowed magnanimously. Maureen knew when to retreat. She’d gained enough information for one night and didn’t want to jeopardize further communication. “So when do you want me to drop by with the box of things?”

  If Maureen came over to her house, it would probably take dynamite to dislodge her and Tracy was tired. She just had enough energy left to feed Petunia and take the pig out for a short walk.

  Maybe that kiss had drained her, she thought.

  “Tell you what, why don’t I swing by your place tomorrow morning before I drive over to Adam’s apartment.”

  “Fine.” Maureen was clearly disappointed. Tracy could hear it in her voice. “I’m on duty at nine.”

  Perfect. She knew it took Maureen half an hour to get to the hospital. “I’ll be there at eight-thirty.”

  “You don’t play fair,” Maureen pouted.

  “Never claimed I did. See you tomorrow.”

  She heard Maureen grumble something on the other end. With a laugh, Tracy hung up the phone, then slipped it back on the side table beside the answering machine.

  Petunia sat looking up at her patiently, almost as if she understood that something different had happened tonight.

  Tracy smiled at the animal. “No hiding things from you, is there, girl?” She chucked Petunia under her small chin. “You know, you’re as intuitive as a dog.”

  Rising from the sofa, she placed the pig carefully on the floor and then went to look for Petunia’s leash. It had a habit of traveling during the day and Tracy strongly suspected the pig liked whipping it around.