by T. R. Graves
No matter how much I need caffeine, I know not to take the first sip or I'll throw up for real. I fleetingly wonder if this is karma coming back to bite me in the ass for pretending to be sick the last two days.
Does karma's punishment have to be doled out tenfold?
I roll my eyes at myself and make a conscious decision to think about anything but every horrible thing I've been made to witness or experience at the hands of my father and brothers. There's only one person, one night, powerful enough to overpower the memory of Marcus's death. Levi.
In a faraway dreamy way, I remember every last minute of my time with Levi. When I think about our first kiss, I can barely believe we actually kissed so soon after meeting. But we did, and it was impressive enough to take my breath away with its memory.
Even better than that and making my heart burn with love is my first time... with Levi. Without one bit of regret, I think about how quickly everything about our relationship progressed. In a world where I have lots of misgivings, the chemistry I have with Levi isn’t something that causes me any doubt. I love him absolutely and unconditionally.
I realize as if by miracle my every symptom has gotten better. My stomach still aches, but the nausea is more memory than real. With a grin, I decide I'll happily daydream about Levi every minute of the day in order to keep my symptoms of stress at bay. He's my very own wonder drug.
As if karma notices I'm feeling better, I remember I have to talk to Tess before everyone arrives to the union hall, and any relief I had vanishes. Just as quick as that, I'm sick again.
Dammit!
Catching site of the sink full of dirty dishes, I decide to take a few minutes to get the kitchen cleaned and organized before going to the union hall. Cleaning is nothing more than a way for me to procrastinate, but it also feeds my compulsion to have a neat and orderly house.
Within minutes, the drain rack next to the sink is overflowing with shiny, wet dishes, pots, and pans, and I'm drying my hands while smiling toward the fruits of my labor like clean dishes is something to be especially proud of.
Without any more time to spare, I grab my keys, tuck them in my pocket, and leave for the union hall. Before I make it down the front sidewalk, the sweat tickling my forehead reminds me that summer has arrived in earnest. The heat and humidity is suffocating, and the summer still hasn’t officially arrived.
At the union hall, I'm met by a quiet that’s almost eerie. No one is around. The women who live there—including the early bird Hester—are sleeping off their late night at the cemetery. The other women of the commune are still at home, getting their kids up and ready for a day at the union hall. Every kid in the commune spends their days in daycare or school while their mothers go out and perform commune chores.
Long ago, Owen named Tess as the person responsible for assigning duties because she's so good at it. She meets with people and talks to them about their preferences and their skills. Whenever possible, she assigns them to do chores they enjoy. Of course, my love of all things reading, writing, and arithmetic made me the natural choice for the teacher role that had been nearly impossible for Tess to fill before I agreed to take it.
Typical commune chores assigned to women include shopping, cooking, baking, union hall clean up, sewing, mending, washing, ironing, folding, babysitting, and teaching. In the summer, those same women had to divide up and take on the men's chores: gardening, mowing, vehicle and household maintenance, cattle tending, trash duty, and woodworking.
I've always thought the sheer amount of responsibilities the women of the commune have to juggle when the men are gone to be incredible. They have to take on all of the men's chores, maintain their households, and rear their children. Not one of them ever skips a beat.
Understanding Tess's own passion, I know without thinking exactly where I'll find my aunt. The kitchen. Tess loves to cook and spends her every waking moment on kitchen duty.
Just as I suspect, Tess is leaning over the butcher block rolling out enough biscuits to feed every man, woman, and child for the next week. The fact that she's too engrossed in her work to realize she's cooking too many for one day is a clear sign that Tess is as stressed as me.
I lean against the doorjamb and watch my aunt. Even this far away from Tess, I see the dark circles under her eyes are worse and her shoulders are drooping lower than ever. I know she's exhausted. Now I understand why.
I stroll up next to her and begin putting the formed biscuits into the greased pans. Tess glances over to her side and offers a warm, motherly grin to me before saying what I already know. "I'm real troubled, Emi."
I nod. "I know, Aunt Tess, but I don't want you to worry about me."
Tess turns away from me, wipes her eye, and clears her throat—swallowing down her tears—before nodding her head toward the walk-in refrigerator. Right away, I understand Tess wants to talk to me somewhere no one can overhear us. The walk-in is the perfect place for the conversation we need to have. I follow her in and close the door tight.
"I can't help it. You're all I got, and I'll die before I let Owen, your brothers, or Lorenzo hurt you. They took Marcus from me. I won't let them take you, too."
I don’t say anything. I know Tess is right about what will happen to me if any of them find out about my sneaking in and out of the commune. I shrug, having decided every risk where Levi is concerned is worth it.
Tess takes me by the shoulders and looks me directly in the eyes. "I'm assuming' you're meetin' someone last night. Is that right?"
I nod guiltily and stare down at my chest.
"Did you have sex with him, Emi? Don't lie to me about this because I'm the only one who can help you. If it wasn't for me, we'd have more kids around here than we can take care of."
My eyes tear. "I did, Aunt Tess, but he's the best man I've ever met. I love Levi in ways I never thought I'd be able to love a man." A tear leaks down my cheek. "I-I wouldn't risk everythin' if I didn't think he was worth it."
Tess stares at the wall of the refrigerator and smiles. "Yeah... I remember how that feels. I know you won't believe this, but I was in love once, Emi. His name was Gavin, and I thought he hung the sun, the moon, and the stars." Tess closes her eyes, audibly laughs, and looks happier than I've ever seen her. "Oh how I loved that man."
I can tell by the way Tess sings Gavin's name that there's nothing past tense about the feelings she has for him. She's still in love with Gavin, and it's absolutely palpable. As quickly as Tess looks far away and in love, she wrinkles her forehead as if in pain.
"When your Papaw Pete found out about Gavin, he locked me inside our house for an entire year. He's a little different than Owen. Owen would beat you for betraying' him. Daddy locked me up because he didn't want to lose me. He knew if the commune's residents found out, he'd have to beat me, label me as tainted, and hunt and kill Gavin. The best he could do for me was keep me away from Gavin and tell everybody I was too sick to leave the house.
"Why didn't he just let you go and be with Gavin? Why can't our happiness ever be the answer to the problems they create in their heads? In the real world, people fall in love, leave their families, and are still allowed to come back and visit or live. I don't understand why that's not permitted here," I say angrily.
"It's because they're afraid of the unknown and scared that the women of the commune will leave them in droves if they find out there's a world where they don't have to live like slaves."
I roll my eyes. "Yeah... right. They're afraid outsiders, ones who haven't been conditioned to fear them, will rat them out the first hour of interrogation. They could care less about the women of this commune."
With a sigh of exasperation, Tess says, "There's lots of truth to what we both think. Your daddy and brothers love us even if they have a strange way of showing it."
"If they showed it at all, I might believe you, Aunt Tess. Owen and the boys only need me around to cook and clean for them. If I died tomorrow, they wouldn't have any more remorse over my death than they di
d for Marcus when they killed him," I say, not even realizing how loud I've gotten.
Tess puts her finger to her lips, reminding me even if we are in the refrigerator, I need to keep my comments down. Especially negative comments about Owen or my brothers.
I nod and lower my voice. "Now that they're gonna have Becca, Kira, and Patti, they've gone and given me up to Lorenzo. I'm not sure why they picked him. He and I couldn't be a worse match. I'll be black and blue the rest of my life because I'll have a hard time pleasin' him. After last night, I get the distinct impression he likes it a little rough."
Tess looks down at her hands. She's clearly ashamed. "Emi, your daddy didn't have a choice about that. He agreed to let you be promised to Lorenzo after... Lorenzo's blackmailin' him. Owen held off as long as he could. He's only gonna let this go on until he can find a way to take care of Lorenzo. He doesn't want anythin' from Lorenzo, especially not grandkids that look like him."
"What's Lorenzo got on Owen? Maybe I can help Owen and that'll convince him to let me be with Levi."
"No. I've lived with Lorenzo long enough to know he's not someone you want to double cross. He can be real mean. Let Owen and the boys take care of him. Owen made it clear to Lorenzo before he left that he doesn't want the two of you to be officially promised until he gets back. He'll be real mad when he finds out Lorenzo told you about it before he had a chance to do it himself."
"What about Lorenzo's infatuation with Sammie? How will Owen feel about that," I say sarcastically.
Tess shakes her head." Owen'll be angry about Lorenzo's disrespect, but Phil's gonna be his real problem. Phil still loves Sammie. He's gonna beat the hell out of Lorenzo for puttin' one finger on her if he ever finds out. The women who was out there last night won't say a thin'. You of all people know why. Killin’ the messenger is their first instinct."
I roll my eyes and nod. "What about Patti? She knows Phil and Sammie were promised. Now that she's promised to him, she might want Phil to know Sammie's moved on."
Tess furrows her brows like she never thought about Patti being the one to tell Phil about Sammie and Lorenzo. Then, she bounces her head in agreement. "Yeah. I can see her mentionin' it to Phil. I'm guessin' Lorenzo'll get what he deserves."
Looking down at her watch, Tess says, "Listen, Emi, I have somethin' I need you to take." She reaches into her pocket and pulls out two white pills. "I want you to take these right now, and I don't want you to argue with me about it. We don't have time to analyze every angle or debate your decision."
I stare at the white discs in Tess's hand with every ounce of unease I feel. Tess shakes her head.
"They ain't what you're thinkin', sweetie. These ain't abortion pills. I know how you feel about that and wouldn't ask you to do anythin’ that went against your beliefs. These're pills that'll change your hormones and prevent you from gettin’ pregnant. They work like birth control pills. Instead of takin' 'em before you have sex, you take 'em after. You gotta get 'em in your system within a hundred and twenty hours of havin' sex. The sooner the better."
I try to decide how Levi'll feel about this. All the men I know think taking anything to keep from getting pregnant is unforgivable. In fact, I know Tess is risking her life for even being in possession of these pills. Then, I chuckle to myself.
Who am I kiddin'? There's not a man here who would know what those pills are. I bet they'd think they were aspirins or somethin'. Hm... I wonder how Tess knows about these.
It's right then I realize there's a lot more to Tess than I've ever taken the time to appreciate. In the space of a few hours, I've witnessed Tess put her love for me ahead of her loyalty to The Community; I've learned that Tess was once in love; and I've found out that Tess is the commune's secret protector of women who can't protect themselves.
"I know you ain't been sneakin' out while Owen is here. He's only been gone for two days, so I'm just assumin' this pill will meet your needs. You didn't do anythin’ more than a hundred and twenty hours ago, did you, Emi?
I shake my head. I can't stop the debate raging in my mind.
"Emily, if you get pregnant, Owen’ll hurt you real bad, and don't think he won't hunt and kill Levi. If you have a moral dilemma right now, it's Levi's safety."
I close my eyes. I know Tess is right, but it feels like just one more time where my options are being taken away from me. This isn't about me wanting a baby (even if it would be Levi's). This is about The Community taking away my freedom to talk to Levi and make a decision based on what we both want.
Without options, I throw the bitter pills in my mouth and choke them down without a drop to drink. Then, I storm out of the refrigerator and head toward my class. I don't want to talk to or see anyone while I swallow down the reality of what I've just done.
I've been gone for two days, and no one else made school a priority so my classroom is in complete disarray. The kids have been allowed to tear through the already scarce supplies. Owen doesn't believe in spending too much on frivolous things like notebook paper, pencils, and crayons. He thinks I should just stand up at the front of the room and tell the kids what they need to know, making sure to stick to topics that are relevant to them.
Worse than anything is the fact that Owen refuses to put a computer in the classroom so the kids can learn to navigate the screens. No matter how passionate my argument, I can't convince him it's important for all of us—the entire community—that they become computer literate. He's adamant they don't need to know. To the best of my knowledge, there's only one person in the commune who's any good with one. Lorenzo.
I roll my eyes. I'm really beginning to hate him.
"There's my beautiful bride-to-be," Lorenzo sings behind me.
Speakin' of the fuckin' devil.
I'm instantly sickened by the sound of his voice and his presence in my classroom. Sitting on the ground with my legs crossed, I never look up from sorting and straightening the books that have been shoved haphazardly back into the shelves.
"Are you mad at me about breakin' the news to you or for comin' by your house two nights ago?" Lorenzo says, sweeping my hair off my shoulder and rubbing his thumb up and down my exposed neck.
I ignore him and keep working even as his strokes get more aggressive. Faster and harder.
"I'd love to put the biggest hickey ever right here. I want everybody to know you're mine," he whispers almost to himself.
If I didn't know him any better, I'd think by the way he’s admiring me, caressing me, and leaning intimately into my ear that he's a normal man who's in love. Lucky for me, I know better. Unlucky for him, I know he's spent the night with Sammie.
Maybe I have Sammie to thank for coolin' him off a little. At least he's not trying to rape me right now. I'll have to make sure he spends as much time as possible with her.
As if reading my thoughts, he says, "Tess reminded me I'm supposed to be courtin' you. I decided she might be right. You've always been different 'n every other woman here. That's the main reason no one's ever approached Owen about bein' promised to you before now. None of 'em want you 'cause you're educated... opinionated... and sometimes you act like you're better 'n everybody else. Me... I just think of you as a challenge. You need to be tamed, and I'm the man to do it, Emi."
Under any other circumstance, I'd laugh. Lorenzo has no idea how much he's just offended me. He assumes I'm grateful to him for saving me from a life of being by myself. He doesn't know I'd rather be by myself—maybe even dead—than married to him.
The surprising thing for me is the way my chest burns and my eyes sting with the reality that no one who's known me more than a day considers me worthy of marriage or mothering their children.
If Levi knew the real me, he'd probably think the same thing.
"I-I'm thinkin' maybe you can come over to Tess's tonight and we can have supper together. I understand why you don't want me at Owen's, but surely you wouldn't mind havin' supper with me if Tess is there."
I instantly know this is one of those si
tuations where I have to behave like any other woman here in the commune. In order to keep Lorenzo from getting suspicious about anything, I'll end up having supper every single night this summer with him and Tess.
I'll be lucky if that's all I have to do with him.
"Okay," I mumble. It takes every ounce of effort in my body to agree to be anywhere near Lorenzo.
It may have all been in my head, but my stomachache seems to have gotten worse since I took Tess's pills. Lorenzo's presence in my classroom does little to help.
Lorenzo looks like he's just opened the best Christmas present of his life. He's grinning from ear to ear. To Lorenzo's irritation, my first two students, Gracie and Genie, of the day arrive. They were one of only a few sets of twins who'd ever lived through birth in the commune. Owen's mentality is that childbirth is for homes and not hospitals. In his infinite wisdom, any child who dies during childbirth is a kid who's too weak for our lifestyle. If the woman dies, he makes sure she gets buried next to her family.
He's a real stand-up gentleman like that.
The scrawny little blond-haired and bubble gum-cheeked girls hug my legs like I've been gone for a year. They laugh, giggle, and shower me with their high-pitched words of welcome. I squat down and give them both big kisses on their foreheads.
Before I know what's happening, Lorenzo pries the girls away from me, and he harshly demands they go sit at their desks. I stare at Lorenzo. I can't believe he's actually jealous of these two little girls.
Is he jealous because I won't hug and kiss him like that or would he be jealous like this if these were our kids huggin' and kissin' me?
I glance over and see that his hatefulness hasn’t set well with their very defensive mother, Lydia. She didn't carry, deliver, and care for twins in these primitive circumstances without being very careful and protective in every situation where these girls were considered.
