by T. R. Graves
Lydia's hair is pulled back in a ponytail, and she doesn't have a stitch of makeup on. I know that means she's tired. The girls need very little sleep, and it’s wearing her down. Without Tom, their dad, around for the next three months, Lydia's patience is only going to wear thinner and thinner.
As soon as I see her mouth open to tell Lorenzo what she thinks about him, I throw a grin across my face, dash toward her, and wrap my arms around her shoulders.
I'm all but singing when I say, "Lydia, you have a great day today. I'll take great care of Gracie and Genie. Tell Mom we'll see her this afternoon, girls."
The girls quickly forget all about the incident and run toward Lydia, hugging and kissing her like they’ll never see her again. As fast as that, they’re back to their laughing and giggling selves, and Lydia’s biggest problem is leaving her daughters for someone else to care for.
As if he's assigned himself as my assistant, Lorenzo sits down at my desk and begins rummaging through the drawers. I can't say anything more to him than Lydia can. I count to ten and go back to work cleaning, straightening, and preparing my lesson plan, which would be much easier to do if Lorenzo would be a man and offer my desk to me.
Before long, he's leaning back in my chair, his feet are up on my desk, and he's snoring. Sammie must’ve exhausted him. I stare harshly at the twins when I see them snickering. I'm not sure how Lorenzo will react if he wakes up and realizes he's the butt of their joke. Even if he is an ass.
When lunchtime rolls around, I have the children exit the room quietly. In the cafeteria, I let them get a little rowdier than normal as reward for being so quiet and patient all morning long. They really are a great bunch of kids.
After they go through the lunch line and are sitting at the picnic-style benches with their melamine food trays in front of them, a yawning Lorenzo strolls in looking sheepish. He spots me immediately and comes to sit by me. My face flares with anger the second I realize he expects me to leave my class and my own lunch to get him a tray of food.
I do what I have to do. I hostilely load his tray down with beef tips, rice, green beans, and a roll. On my way back to the table, I grab him an already prepared glass of iced tea. At the table, he glances happily up at me, pats the seat next to him, and winks. I'm still angry about being treated like a servant rather than his girlfriend. I sure as hell don't want to sit next to him, but I do.
Dammit, Owen! I'm gonna hate you for the rest of my life for doing this to me.
Cursing Owen, the boys, the commune, and life in my mind, I eat in complete silence and try to ignore the way Lorenzo keeps sneaking his hand next to mine. Always touching me or just millimeters away from touching me.
Pretending is going to be a lot harder than I expected.
Like always, Lorenzo’s cowboy from top to bottom. He's wearing his signature plaid shirt (today, it's red and white and comes with shiny white snap buttons and pockets that V), Wrangler jeans, and horse-riding boots. The only thing missing is the Stetson hat, and he never wears a traditional cowboy hat. Instead, he wears baseball caps. Today's cap advertises LSU Tigers. Again, I can't help but think that if Lorenzo were anyone else, I would think he could be a model for Brooks and Dunn (minus the cap). But, he's not. He's mean and hateful. Lorenzo through and through.
Suddenly, a flash of light peaks out from the neck of Lorenzo's shirt. Sending mixed signals to Lorenzo, I lean a little closer to him in order to inspect it. It's a cross that looks like it can be taken apart in the middle. It's bright, shiny, and unique. I've never seen anything like it before. Making it even more interesting is the fact that commune residents don't usually wear jewelry other than their promise bands and, periodically, watches.
It takes me a few minutes to realize Lorenzo's moved closer—intimately near—to me. He's taken my curiosity in his necklace as interest in him. He pulls the cross from his shirt and holds it between his fingers.
"I got this in memory of Viv," he declares, flipping the pendant over. "The back says an eye for an eye. If she said that to me once, she said it a million times."
If Lorenzo were normal, he’d have the usual tenderness a son has when remembering his dead mother. The air about him hints of something other than the faraway fondness I expect. In its place is a malevolence that makes me more nervous than the bizarre inscription in honor of his mother.
As if she instinctively knew how uncomfortable I was, Tess comes over to the table and says, "Lorenzo, the girls need you out at the cemetery."
As quick as a flash, Lorenzo glares at her. It's obvious he doesn't want me to know anything about the cemetery or the girls he's going to meet out there. Little does he know I could care less who he meets. In fact, I hope he and Sammie have so much sex their genitals fall off.
When he finally goes—after giving my hand a tender squeeze and a gentle kiss—I want to turn cartwheels in celebration. Instead, I lead my kids back to the classroom so we can finish our school day.
I'm incredibly disappointed when Lorenzo returns after class is over. He has very little patience when it comes to my need to prepare the room for the next day's assignments, and he makes sure I know it.
"Emi, let's go. I'm gonna walk you to Tess's house," he says gruffly.
I want to say, I'm not ready to go, asshole, but I don't. With a fake smile plastered to my face, I mumble, "Sure."
We find Tess at her house. She's in the kitchen, covered in flour and rolling out the pastry for an apple pie she's making for supper. As if the house were my own—because it practically is—I put on an apron and join Tess in preparing the meal.
"What're we makin', Aunt Tess?"
Still riddled with worry, she glances over to me. "Open the refrigerator and you'll see I have soaking in milk the back strap from one of the deer Lorenzo killed this winter. If you can take 'em out, batter 'em, and fry 'em, I'll make the broccoli salad and mashed potatoes."
Under normal circumstances, Tess and I dance around each other with ease and grace. Today, our actions are awkward and clumsy. Neither of us are comfortable with the other after learning, for all practical purposes, we’re strangers to each other.
Lorenzo leaves, claiming he has something to check on. I have a sneaking suspicion he's going to steal a few minutes with Sammie.
As soon as he's gone, Tess moves into my face and whispers, "I've been working on birth control for you all day. What I need to know is when your next period's due, Emi?"
I'm a little taken aback. This is the last thing I expect to be talking to Tess about. I stand speechless and dumbfounded.
"Emily Avon Riddle. This is something we have to talk about while we can."
With Tess's scolding, I come back to life, mentally calculate, and stammer, "I-I'm supposed to start next week."
Tess nods. "Okay. I need you to listen to me real good. Once you start, I'm gonna insert a tiny stick into your arm. Nobody'll ever know about it if you don't tell 'em, and it'll keep you from gettin' pregnant for three years. You're gonna need every second of that time."
"What do you mean you're gonna insert it? Will it hurt? How many times've you done this, Aunt Tess?"
"I have a friend on the outside who's willin' to help us. He's taught me how to insert them when we have women who're havin' a hard time with their pregnancies or ones who'd rather die than give birth again. My friend doesn't believe women should be used as unwillin' baby factories any more than I do."
I stand with my mouth hanging open, staring at Tess. I've learned something else about her today that's shocked me.
Who's this woman in front of me, and how can she have such strong opinions about something and me not even suspect it?
"I'm worried about you gettin' sent away because you can't have babies. That's the last thing I want. But you havin' Lorenzo's baby... when you don't want it... that'd be worse than anythin' else for you. I know you well enough to know that, Emi."
Tess is right, but that doesn't make my decision any easier. I know Tess is offering me a chance I'd
never be given if she wasn't my aunt, and I'm grateful to her for it. Yesterday, I was destined to follow the path others laid out for me. Today, I have the privilege of taking control of my body and my life. Something about it feels liberating.
"Not only is it dangerous for me to be defyin' Owen, but it's illegal for me to get my hands on one of these and for me to be the one insertin' it. Before I go any further, I need to know if it's what you want."
Tess and I hear the front door open and know our alone time has ended. Lorenzo came right back. Sammie must’ve been busy. I look desperately toward Tess and whisper, "Yes."
Then, I turn my attention back to the stove where I drop the first strip of back strap into the bubbling hot oil. The sizzling meat requires every ounce of my attention.
Twenty minutes later, the three of us are sitting down and getting ready to eat. Because it’s expected before every family meal, we join hands and bow our heads in preparation for prayer. Since Lorenzo is the man of the house, he's responsible for delivering it.
"God, thank you for all of our blessin's. Thank you for Emily's health and for bringin' her here tonight to help Tess make the wonderful meal before me. Stay with our friends and family who are away from the commune. Keep 'em safe and bring 'em back to us. In your glorious name, Amen.
Lorenzo squeezes my hand tight when he mentions the meal I helped make for him, and I know he's taken this as a sign that I've resigned myself to being promised to him and fallen in line with his expectations of me.
Shit!
Lorenzo reaches over frequently and strokes the back of my hand affectionately. I feel his stares burning holes into me. No matter what affections he offers to me, I don't lift my gaze or say anything while Tess chatters away nervously. Lorenzo asks Tess lots of questions and occasionally answers hers, but there’s no mistaking the strain in their conversation. I don't make the first attempt at joining in on their charade of a conversation.
When we're finished eating, I hop up and begin cleaning the kitchen and washing the dishes. Tess quickly follows behind and joins me in kitchen duty. Lorenzo walks into the kitchen, takes the plate I'm washing out of my hand, and gives me a dish towel, silently motioning for me to dry my hands. Then, he intertwines our fingers together and leads me out of the galley kitchen.
"Tess, we'll be out on the front porch swingin'. After that, I'm gonna walk Emily home. When I get back, me and you'll go out to the cemetery and make sure the whores did everythin' they're supposed to do."
Trapped, my heart races and my hands shake as I sit on the porch swing next to Lorenzo. He's just narcissistic enough to think my symptoms have to do with my being nervously happy because we’re alone. They're not. I'm having them because I'm worried about what I'll have to do if he tries to lay one hand on me.
"Emily, I know you ain't never been with anyone. You know... because no one else's wanted you." Again, my chest aches with the reality that no one else has ever wanted to be with me. Lorenzo still has no idea how hurtful his comments are. "I'm gonna go slow and court you. I'll let you get used to the idea of us, but I'm not gonna wait too long. Soon, I'm gonna start stayin' the night with you. I'm gonna go slow then, too, but this thing between us is gonna happen so I want you to start acceptin' it and stop shakin' like a leaf when it's just you and me. You hear me?"
When I don't answer right away, he roughly cups my chin into his hand. "I want you to look at me when I'm talkin' to you, and I expect you to answer me every time. Address me as sir. That's who I'm to you from now on. Understand?"
My chin burns from the amount of pressure he's using to squeeze it. I can't turn my eyes away from his face. His lips are pursed tight and his eyes are slit into a dare. I know not to defy him. I nod.
"Answer me."
"Yes."
"Yes... what, Emi?" he's says sadistically.
"Yes, sir," I whisper, wanting to spit in his face and wipe that shit-eating grin off of him.
"Perfect. That's absolutely perfect. I love hearin' you call me that. It does all kinds of thin's to me. I wish I hadn't just told you we’d take it slow, because I want to go back to your house with you right now and hear you callin' me sir while I fuck you until you can't walk."
Lorenzo's eyes are completely black, and I'm worried I'm about to have to fight him off when a wave of nausea hits me. In addition to a churning stomach, I'm suddenly exhausted and want nothing more than to curl up in my bed and wait for Levi to call... pray for Levi to rescue me from this place.
"Emi, you don't look so g—"
I jump up from the swing, lean over the porch rail, and throw up everything I just ate. Ever my hero, Lorenzo bolts over to the screen door.
"Tess, get out here. Emily's sick again," Lorenzo yells at Tess as if she's personally responsible for my illness.
There's nothing pretend about this nausea. It's the kind that makes my toes curl because it goes on and on until my stomach is beyond empty and there's not another drop to come up. I hang on to the rail with one hand and my hair with the other. As if things aren't bad enough, I feel a familiar wetness between my legs. Given the stomach cramps I'm suddenly noticing—when I ignore the nausea—I realize I just started.
What the hell?
Tess looks at Lorenzo and says, "Do you mind gettin' me a cool washcloth?"
Lorenzo’s happy to be anywhere but there with me while I throw up my guts. He runs inside faster than I've ever seen him do anything.
"Emi, this may be from the medicine I gave you this morning. I've never seen anyone have the first symptom from it, but you're prone to getting sick so I guess it's possible," Tess whispers.
I shake my head. "I don't think it's because of that. I've been sick for months. It's been gettin' worse the last few days. But... I did just start my period. That may be from the medicine."
Tess's eyes widen. "Well, that means I have a lot less time to go out, get the implant, and get it inserted."
Tess doesn’t say anything that makes me think she's worried about getting her hands on the implant, but I can see in her wrinkled forehead she is. I feel guilty for what I'm asking her to do. The risks she's willing to take for me.
Lorenzo comes bounding out the door with a wet rag. Tess takes it. "I'm gonna take her back over to Owen's house and get her settled. Then, I'll come back, and we can go after that."
Lorenzo doesn't want to witness me throw up one more time so he just nods in acquiescence and stares at me like I disgust him.
Yeah, I really want to spend the rest of my life with this jerk. Through thick and thin, my ass!
Neither Tess nor I speak on the walk back to Owen's house. After I'm home and I've thrown up at least two more times, I crawl into my bed and close my eyes. I've never felt so drained in my entire life.
"Tess, is this normal?" I ask with my arm thrown over my eyes.
"No, it's not. I've never seen anyone have this reaction, and I've given those pills to lots of women. This is, however, a very common reaction for a woman who’s pregnant. If you can't take an hour of this, you might want to think long and hard about gettin' pregnant. One day when you're ready, you'll be willin' to do whatever’s necessary and endure anythin' in order to have a baby. When you have that feeling and not before, you'll be ready to be a mother." Tess doesn't say anything for a long time. Then, she strokes my arm. "Emi, are you sure last night was the first time you've ever been with a man? I mean... are you sure you're not pregnant?"
I risk a glance at her and see how worried she is. "Last night was the first time ever for me, Aunt Tess. I promise."
I can tell how relieved she is by the nod she gives me. Then, I think about what she said. If I had to make the decision right here and right now, I would easily say I never, never want to be pregnant if the symptoms are anywhere near this bad.
"Emi, I have to get that birth control stick inserted in your arm before the end of the day Friday. If not, we'll have to wait another month. I'm not sure you have another month before Lorenzo makes his move given the wa
y he was lookin' at you on the porch earlier."
Again, I uncover one eye and stare at Tess. "Were you spyin' on us?"
Tess smiles. "I was jus' keepin' an eye out in case you needed me for somethin'. Now, get some sleep. I've gotta get back so me and Lorenzo can go out to the cemetery."
"Tess?"
"Yeah, Emi."
"Not today, because I'm too sick to care, but soon, I need to know what's goin' on at the cemetery."
Tess pats my leg. "I'm not gonna tell you anythin' about it. Not because I don't trust you, sweetie, but because I'm tryin' to protect you just like I've been doin' your whole life. Now, rest."
Tess and I are way too much alike.
I hear Tess when she leaves. Even though I feel sick and weak, I trudge down the stairs, lock every deadbolt, and latch the chain. I've never worried for my safety like I'm having to worry about it with Lorenzo lurking around.
As soon as I'm snuggled into my bed, I feel an almost indiscernible vibration. My heart leaps to my throat.
Levi!
CHAPTER 11
Breaking And Entering
Emily
"Hello," I say. I answer the phone formally in the event it's not Levi but rather someone calling his phone.
"Em... Em... I thought I was going to go crazy not talking to you all day. Tope threatened to put me out of my misery a few times, but he seems just as out of sorts without you around. I think you're as much under his skin as you are mine." Levi chuckles.
I, nausea forgotten, giggle. "You're just tryin' to be sweet, but I can tell you this has been the longest day of my life. I miss you so much."
"I miss you, too, babe."
Even though I can't see Levi, I know his grin is from ear to ear, and it's infections.
"How was the hike back?"
"Not too bad," he said before laughing. "We both played practical jokes on each other in order to pass the time. One time, I almost stepped into a big ol’ cow patty. When I looked back, I realized Tope hadn't seen it. As soon as he got close to it, I let a limb sling back. When he stepped to the side to avoid the branch, he landed smack dab in the middle of it. You should’ve seen the look on his face, Em. It was priceless. I laughed my ass off."
