Beautiful Burn

by Adriane Leigh

“I’m sorry.” She soothed me with fingertips tracing lines up and down my forearm. “I don't think there's ever a right time for divorce. My parent's broke up when I was two, I don't even remember a time when they were together, but honestly, they're two different people. I think now, looking back on it, they made the right decision. It was the tough one, but it was the right one. You just have to do what's right for you.” Auburn's soft voice hung in the air around us. The size of her heart left me breathless. The scope of her empathy left me stunned. The depth of my love left me terrified.

  sixteen

  I woke Friday morning to the smell of fresh coffee. I floated my way down the hall in search of my favorite mug when I saw her placing a stack of pancakes on the table. “Morning.” An easy smile came to my face. I kissed her soft lips and was headed for the coffee pot when Auburn stopped and redirected me to sit at the table.

  “I’ll get it.” Her warm palms trailed across my shoulder blades and soothed the early morning aches. A minute later she sat across from me, two coffee mugs in hand, passing me my favorite one, the CMU cup that I’d had since I was a freshman in college.

  “Oh, forgot something!” She jumped out of her seat and sped to the fridge. She was back a second later.

  “Peanut Butter?” A quizzical expression was I'm sure more than evident on my face.

  “You should try it.” She slapped long swipes of peanut butter on the two pancakes on her plate.

  “So…do you do syrup then too?” I passed her the bottle.

  “Yup.” She took it from me and drizzled a healthy amount across her peanut butter pancakes.

  “That looks disgusting.”

  “Don’t knock it 'til you try it,” she said right before popping a forkful in her mouth.

  “That’s a straight up kids meal.”

  “Don’t shame me!” She laughed before taking another bite. I dug into my own syrup-soaked breakfast and we ate happily for a while.

  “Have you ever been to Walloon Lake?” I asked in between bites, referring to the small town north of us.

  “No.” She shook her head. “That’s where Hemingway spent his summers, right?”

  “Yeah. I’ve been there a few times but last summer I kayaked it. It was cool to see it from another perspective. To see the places he walked, where he fished and camped, it's awe-inspiring. I actually contacted the owner a few years back for a tour, it's still in Hemingway's family.”

  “You actually had a personal tour of Hemingway's boyhood home?” She'd set her fork down and now watched me. I loved that I could share these things with her. Mel had never bothered to hide her disinterest when I geeked out over books and writing.

  “Mhmm.” I nodded. “His nephew owns it, and weirdly enough, you can kind of see the resemblance. Anyway, it's been in the family since the Hemingway's first bought it in the eighteen nineties. They've done some updates, but they've tried to keep it as close to the original as possible. Wood paneling and floors, and a massive fireplace in the main room.”

  “Wait, you know his nephew?” Auburn’s eyes widened to a size that rivaled the pancakes on her plate.

  “It’s a long story but yeah, I’ve become friendly with him. He and his wife are both incredibly kind and even shared a few family stories about visiting him in Cuba and everything. It was an incredible experience. We should go sometime. I can’t believe I didn’t think about it before when it’s practically in our backyard.”

  “I would love that.” She beamed, and the best part, I believed her.

  “So, why the treat?” I finished my last bite and leaned back in my chair, anxious to settle into my first cup of coffee.

  “I wanted to make you breakfast before I left. I’ll miss you...miss being in the same town as you. I know we didn’t see each other that much, but I wanted to do one last thing…” She paused as the ramifications of her leaving vibrated through the apartment kitchen.

  “About that…” I paused as my mind bounced back and forth with the ramifications of what I was about to say.

  “I'd like to try to continue as we’ve been. Seeing each other when we can, I know it will be less with classes, but we can try.”

  Her big almond eyes held mine for long moments as she digested my words. A slow nod finally broke the stillness. “I would love that too,” she whispered, eyes holding my own.

  “When I'm with you. I’m me. You’re the only person I can really be me with. I know it’s selfish, but I’m not ready to let go of us yet.” I leaned across the small table as I finished.

  “I’m not ready to let go either.” Her eyes shimmered with emotion as they held mine. I nodded, settling into the comfort of knowing this wouldn't be goodbye, not yet. “I’ve got to get to Gram’s house.” She stood and cleared our plates from the table.

  I set my cup down and stood behind her at the kitchen counter as she gazed out the window overlooking downtown. “How is she?” I placed heavy palms on her shoulders and kneaded.

  “She's in good spirits, I think it helps that I hang out with her all the time. I try to keep things lighthearted and funny, and remind her that a little limp when she walks makes her bad ass.” She laughed until tears flooded her eyes and she broke down.

  “I'm sorry, all of this has been so hard on you and I was so wrapped up in my own shit I forgot to ask how you were doing.” I pulled her into a tight embrace and held her while she sobbed into my shirt. We stood for minutes in the silence as I rubbed her back and let her cry.

  “I'm going to miss you so much,” she croaked.

  “I'm going to do everything I can to make this work.” I cradled her face in my palms, forcing her to meet my eyes. “I promise.”

  She sniffed again. “I should go.” She swiped at the drying tears clinging to her eyelashes.

  “Ok.” I stroked her angled cheekbones with the pads of my thumbs, searching her face for some sense of reassurance that I could let her walk out that door and she would be okay. I wanted nothing more to hold her in my arms the entire day, but I knew she wouldn't leave her grandma alone.

  “Thanks for letting me stay.” She rinsed out her coffee cup and placed it in the sink.

  “I love having you with me.” I wrapped her in another embrace in the doorway. She smiled, a little somberly, and then tossed her purse over her shoulder. “What day do you leave for school?”

  “Tuesday.” She fiddled with her keys.

  “I want to see you before you leave but I'll be out of town this weekend.” I frowned, cursing the prior commitment that kept me from her.

  “It's okay, I'm sure we can work something out.” A hopeful smile lifted her cheeks.

  “Okay. I'll text you.” I held her gaze as my thumb trailed along the curve of her bottom lip.

  “Sounds good.” She murmured.

  “Okay,” I breathed, eyes locked, before I had to touch her. Feel her. Remind her. I kissed her long and slow, hands in her hair, lips tasting her skin with gusto. I missed her already.

  “Bye, Reed.” Her stunning face lit up in that most disarming way I still wasn't used to.

  “Bye, Auburn.” I placed one last kiss on her lips before opening the door and watching her step out. My heart constricted inextricably.

  There was some piece of me that felt like we were trying to hold onto a live wire ready to lash out and bite, but I couldn’t convince myself into avoiding it. I didn't want to.

  seventeen

  My phone chimed in my pocket indicating a new email just as I left the hardware store Monday morning.

  Meet me for coffee tonight. 7 at Stella's.

  I’d planned on seeing Auburn tonight, but I hadn’t planned on going out with her. My mind instantly jumped to the possibility of being seen, but Traverse was a town of more than ten thousand people and still flooded with summer tourists, we'd melt into the crowds.

  I hit reply and typed out a quick message. Before I hit send I noticed the 'from' line in my address bar was my work address. My fists instantly twitched. Shit. My work emai
l.

  I quickly opened my personal email, irritated by the simple mistake.

  You emailed my work email. That can’t happen ever. They monitor everything. Yes, to coffee. My reply was short and abrupt, those tiny slip-ups could cost us everything. My future, our future, was all riding on how I handled this. Her reply was quick.

  I’m sorry. I was wide awake at three am when I sent it. Please don't punish me, Mr. West ;) I shook my head at her reply, a lovesick grin on my face.

  I plan on it. See you tonight. I hit send before putting my truck into gear and heading for home to settle in with a handful of twenty-thousand-word fictional memoirs.

  ***

  By six fifteen I was out the door. The end of August traffic would be a bitch, and I didn’t want to be late for the start of my last night with Auburn for who knew how long. Thirty-five minutes later I was weaving my way through tourists to get to the tiny coffee shop tucked away on Front street, in the heart of bustling downtown. My eyes scanned the packed space before they landed on her, in a dimmed corner table towards the back. As I weaved my way between the tables to get to her I was conscious the entire way of being recognized. I suddenly felt like I couldn’t go anywhere with Auburn, not even a forty-minute safety zone was enough.

  “I ordered for you.” She pushed the cardboard cup to me.

  “Shot in the dark?”

  “Yes, sir.” Her eyes glistened with merriment. “I'm really sorry about the work email thing. I promise, it won’t happen again.” She peered back at me with genuine remorse.

  “I know. I'm sorry I flipped, but if this gets found out before I can do some damage control,” I paused and ran a hand through my hair, “it could be bad, Auburn. A disaster. My job is in jeopardy if we get found out too soon. I’m not technically your teacher anymore, but the legality of it is in this weird grey area, and the stigma in that town would be unbearable. They would find a way to get me out.” Fuck, the more I was talking, the more stressed I was making myself. I wanted to be all-in with Auburn, but it would require dismantling my life one brick at a time and putting it on display for our entire small town to see.

  “I know. I swear, I know. It won’t happen again. We’ll do better. And it’s not like they’re monitoring every email anyway, right?”

  “Auburn…someone nearly caught us with my cock in your mouth,” I grit, feeling the wave of anger take me again.

  “But they didn’t. It’s going to be different when I'm gone, we won’t see each other as much, which sucks, but that gives you a chance to figure out the divorce,” her hand tightened over mine, “and it's less chance of us being caught. And if I’m not living in town, there isn’t anyone to gossip about. You can come see me at school, we can even get a hotel.” I recognized her rambling as an effort to try to convince the both of us.

  “I’m sorry for putting us both in this position.”

  “What position? A friend? Someone to talk to? Don't be sorry for that. I'm not.”

  “A friend that finger fucked you in an elevator.” I reminded, irritated with myself.

  “That’s a bonus.” She shrugged, her demeanor playful and endearing.

  I quirked a grin. “That’s one hell of a bonus.”

  “It can be.” She teased and took another sip of her Frappuccino, swirling the straw around as she did so.

  “Only once and a while?” I hummed, leaning closer. My voice lowering an octave caught her attention and her eyes slammed to mine, instantly alert, aroused. “If the number of times I’ve had you cumming is any indication…”

  “Reed.” Her mouth popped open in shock as she glanced to the tables around us. When she was confident we hadn’t been overheard, she finished. “Want to take me in the bathroom stall?”

  This time my mouth popped open and eyes fell wide. “Seriously?” I pushed back from the table before pausing to wait for her answer. “'Cause I’m in.” I hooked a thumb down the hallway to my right. Her laugh was heard over the quiet buzz of coffee shop conversations. A few people glanced her way, a friendly smiles on their faces. “You shithead.” I shook my head and took a drink, loving the sexy banter I'd only ever had with her.

  “Takes one to know one.” She laughed again.

  “So, all packed up?” I took a sip and relished the nutty taste as it slid down my throat.

  “Yup. I'm actually pretty excited. Although Callie was granted last-minute acceptance into a culinary program in Paris, so I'll be alone this semester.”

  “Paris? I didn't even know she was into culinary stuff.”

  “I didn't either.” She chuckled. “I'm kind of jealous. Paris is my dream trip.” She sighed and swirled the plastic cup as she spoke. “Can you imagine seeing the Louvre? The Eiffel Tower? Sipping coffee in a cafe that Hemingway used to write in? Makes my heart pitter-patter just thinking about it.” She placed a hand over her heart and a dreamy smile turned her mouth.

  “You should go.”

  “With what? Every extra dime goes to my student loans. I don't have two pennies to rub together,” she sighed again.

  “You'll get there.” I held her hand over the table and knew with every fiber of my soul that if I could get her to Paris some day, come hell or high water, I would do it.

  “I hope so.”

  “You will, I promise.” I squeezed her hand again. Her dark eyes peered up at me from under the thick wisps of her lashes and she smiled that smile that stopped my heart and had it beating entirely too fast all at the same time. “How's the story?” I arched an eyebrow at her.

  “My lips are sealed.” She pretended to pull a zip across her mouth.

  “What will it take to get it out of you?” I leaned across the table and trailed fingertips up the bend of her elbow and lingering on her bicep, just nearly touching the full curve of her breast. Her breathing picked up a fraction and her pupils dilated.

  “Oh god,” she whispered. If I would have been paying attention to her beautiful eyes I would have seen what she had saw. Instead I was focused on the way the top bow of her lip dipped, and how her cheeks rose impossibly higher when she smiled. How her warm and vibrant eyes never missed a beat. How she got me.

  “Reed,” she breathed. My eyes finally found hers, wide and alarmed, not aroused as I’d first thought.

  “Reed?” A voice sneered over my shoulder.

  “Mel?” I dropped my hand and spun in my char. My wife stood there, hands clutching the shiny black leather of her purse. “Fuck.” I jumped up. Maybe I could cover this. Lie. Lie. Lie. My inner voice chanted and thrashed in the cage, begging me to drop those falsities from my lips.

  But I couldn’t. I couldn’t do that to Auburn, and I couldn’t do it to me. I was done living a lie. I wanted truth, honesty, love, happiness, and I wanted it with Auburn. I was ready.

  “We need to talk.” Mel’s eyes darted from mine to Auburn’s. “I can't believe you.” She grit through clenched teeth when her eyes landed on mine again.

  “Please don’t, Mel,” I murmured. “You should go Auburn.” I flashed her a quick glance.

  “Auburn? Is she a student, Reed? You're fucking one of your students?! I thought you were smarter than that,” Mel spit. “Meet me at the house.”

  “I'm not fighting with you, Mel. If you want to talk, you can drop by my place, but I'm not going back to that house with you to fight old battles.”

  Mel's eyes widened when I'd finished. “Fine.” She shot me the final glance before spinning and pounding out of the coffee shop. The last thing I wanted to do was follow her and fight until we were blue in the face. Why did my happiness have to have so much riding in on it?

  “Go, Reed.” Auburn urged as she gathered her purse. Her eyes burned with sadness. Devastation. Complete and total loss. And that’s when I knew I loved her. Because her heart was big enough to fit me and all my baggage in it.

  “Thank you.” I clasped both her hands and gave them a quick squeeze. “I promise, I'll call you.” I pressed a quick kiss to her lips before bolting out of t
he coffee shop to try to ease the blow with Mel. I hoped she wouldn't do anything irrational. My future with Auburn depended on it.

  eighteen

  “What’s going on Reed?” Mel advanced on me when I'd pulled into the parking spot in front of my building.

  “Can we go inside?” I growled, aware of the neighborhood gossips. She seethed as she stomped up the steps. I knew I couldn’t explain anything to her, I didn’t understand it myself.

  “I’m sorry,” I offered once we'd crossed the threshold in an effort to keep some sense of peace.

  “For getting caught?” She turned, her eyes large and accusing.

  “That you had to find out like that.”

  “Shove the pity up your ass, Reed. You put everting in jeopardy with that slut. And she's your student! What were you thinking?”

  “She's not my student, she's in college.” I defended, lamely.

  “So you left me for a college student. I never thought you were that guy, Reed. What's going on in your head?!”

  “More than you could fathom,” I grit, resentment evident in every word. She had this all wrong, but I couldn't being myself to tell her why I'd really left. I didn't think I could stand the pity.

  “Really? Because it looks like you were only thinking with your dick.” The words dripped with resentment.

  “That's not what this is,” I answered. What I wanted to say was that I loved Auburn, I loved her with a love I hadn't even known was possible before her.

  “Oh God, you don't think you're the only one, do you?” Mel's cynical laugh radiated in the tension between us. “Girls like her fuck the college quarterback, not poor high school teachers.” Mel's satisfied grin had my blood running cold.

  “Mel.” I ground through my teeth, wishing I would have stayed at that coffee shop with Auburn and let Mel throw her tantrum alone. But Mel discovering us had forced me to play the hand I was given, I deserved this for keeping so many secrets for so long.

  “Stop. Don't 'Mel' me!” She held a hand out to keep me at a distance. “How long?” She composed herself, the tone of her voice cold, her eyes daggers as she watched me.