Purity

by Evangeline Anderson

  The stories he told her only made her realize how completely different their two peoples were. He had been born to parents, not pulled from an artificial womb. He had lived with a small family unit that showed emotion and shared affection freely, not raised by soulless mechanoids in a barracks with others he could not touch. The differences in their past made K understand that her way of life was just as strange to him as his was strange to her. But she sometimes wondered how anyone could have a more outlandish existence than the one she was currently experiencing.

  There was no suit to jab her awake in the morning or drug her to sleep at night, no squad to lead, no superiors to report to, and no prisoners to collect and take to the mines. There was nothing day in and day out, but Boone, the warm prison of his arms, and his soft, drawling voice in her ear. Sometimes it seemed like a dream but other times K had to face the fact that this was her new reality—and she wasn’t finding it nearly as horrible or horrifying as she ought to.

  It was on the third or fourth day when she woke up that K smelled something strange. She briefly remembered smelling it the night before as she was drifting to sleep in Boone’s arms but it was especially strong when she opened her eyes.

  “What is that?” She shrugged off Boone’s heavy bicep and sat up, turning her head from side to side and searching for the source of the scent. She felt restless and still tired—she hadn’t slept well the night before. Her scalp had been itching for some reason and she hadn’t been able to get comfortable. “What is it?” she said again.

  “What’s what, darlin’?” Boone asked groggily. He wasn’t much of a “morning person” as he called it and K had to admit that it was nice most mornings to lie beside him and take her time stretching and yawning before getting off of the sleeping platform. She had never experienced a leisurely waking up period before since her suit had always jabbed her awake. Now she found she rather liked the drowsy drift from sleep to wakefulness. But today the strange scent wouldn’t let her sleep in.

  “That smell.” K looked around, still sniffing. “Musky…slightly sour. Very unpleasant.”

  “Oh yeah?” Boone said neutrally, sitting up in bed. He was suddenly looking much more awake.

  “Yes, and I really don’t—Purity, it’s coming from me.” K lifted her arm, took another whiff and frowned. “I stink.”

  “Well…” Boone looked like he wanted to laugh but didn’t quite dare. “I wouldn’t say you stink exactly but you are a little ripe. That’s kind of what happens over time if you don’t take a shower, darlin’.”

  “This is because I refused to endure a shower? Is it some kind of punishment?” K demanded.

  Boone held up both his hands in a “don’t shoot” gesture. “Not one I’m inflicting on you.”

  “My scalp is itchy too.”

  “Well, you probably need to wash your hair.” Boone frowned. “That’s gonna be a job and a half since it’s so long. How do you usually manage it?”

  K frowned. “I don’t—my suit does.”

  A look of understanding broke over his face. “Your suit cleaned you? All this time, since you were nine cycles old?”

  “Of course. I didn’t even think of it before, it’s been so long. But now that you’ve taken it away, I suppose I’ll have to endure a shower.” She took a deep breath, trying to brace herself. “All right. Let’s get it over with.”

  Boone shook his head. “Don’t know what kind of showers you guys have on Athena but I don’t think you’re going to find it’s all that bad. Hang on, though, while I get some things together.”

  He left his quarters and when he returned he was holding four small, round spheres cupped carefully in his big palm.

  “What are those?” K eyed them mistrustfully.

  “Hair care stuff—got it from Mom. Loki actually has a better selection but I wasn’t about to ask him. Here.” He handed her the spheres. “Mom says use the two blue ones on your hair first—they’re shampoo. Then use the purple ones to make it soft and shiny.”

  K frowned at the small round balls in her hands. “Are they some kind of nano-bots? How can they accomplish all that?”

  Boone laughed as though a shower was no big deal. “No, darlin’—it’s the liquid inside that does the work. Just pop them over your head and then lather, rinse, repeat.”

  “What?” K frowned at him—he wasn’t making any sense. Also, fear she didn’t want to feel was beginning to crawl down her throat. It’s all right, she tried to tell herself. Surely it can’t be as bad as you remember. At least you don’t have non-con bracelets on this time. Besides, Boone endures it every day and he’s no worse for the wear. Well, that was true at least. She swallowed hard. “Let’s go.”

  “You know where the fresher is.” But Boone came with her anyway. They crowded into the small room together and he nodded at the dreaded stall. “Just step in there and the water will come down.”

  “Yes, of course,” K heard herself say. She shrugged out of his shirt—a thin synthi-cotton one that had skinny shoulder straps and left most of her back bare for maximum skin contact while they slept—and stood naked, trying to calm herself. She didn’t care if Boone saw her—he saw her all the time and anyway, there was nothing to see. Her body was still warrior fit, if slightly more sensitive in some areas than it had been before. K didn’t know the reason for the increased sensitivity but that wasn’t what was worrying her at the moment.

  Boone nodded at the soap spheres he’d handed her. “Go ahead, darlin’.”

  “Yes, I will. I’m going in right now.” Yet she remained frozen in place, memories washing over her.

  Shower day. The mechanoids come early. Round black metal spheres floating in mid air, red lights blinking, shock arms extended to herd you, to force you where they want you to go.

  The huge gray room. The stinging icy spray comes down from the ceiling. The water is laced with disinfectants and anti-bac agents that burn your eyes and throat. The other children in your birthgroup are crying, begging. Trying to huddle together but the non-con bracelets put a stop to that, don’t they? No touching allowed—ever. Shrieks and screams and cries, the burning pain of the steel-bristled scrubbers rubbing your skin raw. Arcing shocks run through the group like chain lightning, conducted by the freezing water as the non-cons send out painful proximity warnings…

  Purity but the memory was still so real. K could even hear the flat metallic voices of the mechanoids blaring above the frightened wailing, echoing over and over in her head. “Remain motionless during the shower cycle. Do not attempt to make contact with those to either side of you. Remain motionless during the…”

  “No!” It wasn’t until she saw the strange look on Boone’s face that K realized she’d spoken aloud.

  “Something wrong, darlin’?” he asked carefully.

  “Nothing. Just…thinking.” Squaring her shoulders, K took a step toward the shower stall. It really wasn’t so bad—nothing like the huge gray room of her memories. She tried to brace herself for the icy blast, tried to remember that she was no longer a frightened child but a fourth level Paladin. I fear nothing, I feel nothing. I fear nothing, I feel nothing. I fear nothing, I—

  “Stop.” Boone took her arm the second before she stepped into the shower. “K…” He turned her to face him. “K, what is it, darlin’?”

  “What is what?” she somehow managed to answer though her throat was so tight she could hardly breathe.

  “That look on your face. It’s like you’re about to step in front of a death squad.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about. My emotions do not control me, even if I can’t help having them. Now if you don’t mind, I need to do this.”

  “Like hell you do,” Boone said roughly. “I don’t know why but this scares you to death. What are you afraid of?”

  K’s lips worked for a moment before she could get the words to come out. “Nothing. I fear nothing, I feel nothing.”

  Boone shook his head. “That’s not true and you kno
w it. Come on.” He started to pull her out of the fresher but K resisted.

  “Let me go—I have to do this. I’ve been a coward long enough.” Boone started to protest again but she shook her head. “Boone, I am going to do this. No matter how…distasteful I find it. If this is the only way to clean myself without my suit then I must do it.”

  “All right then.” He nodded decisively. “I’m going with you.”

  “There’s barely room in the stall for one and you’re so big,” K protested. But inside she could feel something that had tightened until it nearly choked her beginning to loosen. If Boone was with her, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. Neither of them wore non-cons. They couldn’t be shocked just for touching so maybe…

  “I know it’ll be a tight squeeze but that’s too damn bad. Anything that scares you this much, you shouldn’t have to face alone.”

  “I’m not scared,” K protested but her voice wavered unconvincingly.

  “Sure you are, darlin’.” He was already stripping. “Here, I’ll leave my shorts on like I do when we sleep—that work for you?”

  “If you like.” K tried to shrug noncommittally though her heart was pounding.

  “I like,” Boone said grimly. “And I’m going first to show you there’s nothing to be afraid of. Unbraid your hair and follow me when you feel ready.”

  He stepped into the tiny stall, wearing only the thin, brief black shorts he always wore beneath his flight pants. Immediately the ceiling above the stall began to stream water. K watched him uncertainly, her fingers busy with her long braid. He didn’t seem to be in pain and, as yet, no hard scrubbing arms had emerged from the walls of the stall to scour him raw with steel bristles. But maybe they were waiting until she entered to activate.

  “Come on in, the water’s fine.” Boone’s dark eyelashes were matted with water, his light-on-white eyes the same color as the ocean she’d seen in the vid of Earth-that-was so many cycles ago.

  “I’m coming.” Bracing herself for an icy blast, K stepped into the stall and found… “The water’s warm!” She looked up at Boone in disbelief. “It’s not cold and it doesn’t sting.”

  He gave her a disbelieving look. “Of course not. Why the hell would I want to take a freezing cold shower?”

  “The scrubbers…” She looked around uncertainly. “Where are they?”

  “Here and here.” Boone lifted his hands.

  “What? Boone, be serious.” K frowned and examined the walls, looking for the slits where the long, thin metal arms would emerge.

  “I am serious, darlin’. If you’re looking for some kind of luxury attachment that gives you a massage while you shower then I’m afraid you’re going to be disappointed. This is a strictly no-frills operation we’re running here.”

  K could scarcely believe it. “You mean…you’re supposed to scrub yourself?”

  “That’s how it’s usually done. Here.” Boone handed her a large, puffy synthi-sponge that was already beginning to produce a sweet smelling foam. “You want me to do your hair while you do the, uh…the rest?”

  Too overcome with relief to speak any more, K simply nodded.

  “Okay.” He pried the soap spheres from her fingers. K had been clutching them so tightly they had begun to leak their contents onto her palm but there seemed to be enough left to do what was necessary. Muttering something about the fact that she had enough hair to clog a black hole, Boone squeezed the viscous liquid over her head and began to wash.

  Despite his grumbling, his touch was gentle and thorough. Soon K found she was relaxing more and more as he massaged the hair soap into her scalp. She rubbed her body with the synthi-sponge, almost in a daze. Part of her still expected to feel the sharp agony of an electrical proximity warning or hear the frightened wailing of children in pain but the longer nothing happened, the less that part of her seemed to matter.

  Though she never would have believed it could be so, the shower was actually quite soothing.

  “There,” Boone murmured behind her. “All done. You ready to get out?”

  K turned to face him. She still didn’t feel able to speak so she just nodded.

  Boone studied her face. “You okay? Was it as bad as you thought?”

  K shook her head. “No,” she whispered, forcing the words out. “Not bad at all. It was… nothing like I expected.”

  He searched her eyes for a long moment. “Well, that seems to be a good thing. Come on, let’s get out before we use up the entire water reserve.”

  They stepped out of the stall, dripping and Boone wrapped her in towels. One encircled her chest and the other encased her long black hair. Then he sent her outside into the sleeping area so he could get out of his soaked shorts and dry off himself.

  When he came out he was wearing just his black flight pants and rubbing a towel over his spiky brown hair. His broad shoulders were still beaded with droplets of water and tiny rivulets ran down the muscular planes of his chest.

  The sight made K stare for longer than usual for some reason—almost as though she was seeing him for the first time. His eyes looked very blue when his hair was wet. She looked away hastily as he approached and went back to the task at hand.

  She was sitting on the sleeping platform, trying to work a comb through her hair. For the first time in her life it was giving her trouble—the long strands snarling around the comb’s teeth in a most irritating manner. K jerked impatiently and then stifled a yelp when the motion pulled her hair.

  “Here.” Without asking, Boone sat down behind her and took the comb from her hand. “Let me. I used to brush out Shayla’s hair at night when my mom was too busy working to do it.”

  K sat silently, not protesting. Though the shower hadn’t been nearly as bad as she’d feared, she still felt tired. All used up, somehow. It was as though the huge buildup of fear and dread had leaked away, leaving her drained and useless. Purity, but she wished she could stop having all these emotions. They were so damn exhausting.

  Boone combed in silence for a moment, doing a much better job than she had been of untangling the long strands of her hair. Then he spoke. “All right, darlin’. You wanna tell me what that was all about?”

  K stiffened. “I don’t know what you mean.”

  “Yes, you do.” He turned her to face him, his eyes serious. “You were scared to death to take a simple shower and I want to know why. What happened? What was done to you?”

  “Nothing was done to me,” K snapped. “I just…hadn’t had a shower since before I was fitted for my suit.”

  “Bullshit,” Boone said harshly. “Look, K, I know you don’t like to talk much about life on Athena but I doubt the story behind this is any kind of state secret. So spill it—now.”

  She could have refused him again—should have refused. But somehow when she opened her mouth, K heard herself telling him instead. She kept her voice low, her eyes down as she told every detail.

  “In the time before I got my suit I lived with the others in my birthgroup in a kind of dormitory. Or barracks, I guess, would be a better word. We were all genetically engineered to be Paladins and we began our training early. I excelled at nearly all of it but there was one thing that was…” She shook her head, unable to put it into words.

  “Go on,” Boone said in a low voice.

  “One day a week we had Shower Day. We all dreaded it even though we weren’t supposed to feel anything—we couldn’t help ourselves.” She looked up at Boone briefly and saw that he was listening intently, his eyes narrowed in concentration.

  K looked back down at her hands. “The mechanoids would come early, blaring their call to rise. We had to jump out of our bunks quickly or they would give us a shock to get us going.”

  “Hell of a wake-up call,” Boone muttered.

  K shrugged. “It was the way things were done. You learned to get up fast—I didn’t mind that part.”

  “God, it gets worse?”

  K’s eyes flitted up to his for a moment and she nodded briefly. “
We…the mechanoids would herd us down the corridor and into the shower room. We had to be careful to walk single file and not touch each other because of our non-con bracelets.”

  Boone stopped her. “Non-con?”

  “Non-contact. We wore them until we were fitted for our suits. Any form of contamination would cause them to emit an electrical charge.”

  “This just gets better and better,” Boone growled. “So if you so much as touched another kid…”

  “We got shocked, yes,” K finished for him. “It was…the most efficient way to keep us from contaminating each other. From…touching.”

  “They were that worried about you touching each other? They had to make you wear your own personal electric fence everywhere you went?” Boone looked like he could scarcely believe it.

  “Contamination is discouraged almost from birth,” K said. “Pain is the simplest and most effective way to train.”

  “It’s also fucking barbaric.” Boone sounded angry.

  K shrugged. “I didn’t really mind the non-cons either. I was used to them—couldn’t remember a time without them. But the shower room…that was different. Worse.” She stopped for a moment, unable to go on. Boone lifted her chin gently so that their eyes met.

  “Tell me, K.”

  There was an authority in his deep, quiet voice that couldn’t be denied.

  K took a deep breath. “It was big and cold—always very cold.” She spoke fast, trying to get the words out before they choked her. “Then the water would come down—so much and so fast it felt like you were going to drown. But if you opened your mouth to try and breathe it would burn your throat. I think because it was treated with disinfectant and other chemicals. It stung your eyes too so you tried to keep them closed. But then the scrubbers would come out…”

  “You were saying something about that in the fresher. What were you talking about?”

  “They came out of the walls. Steel tipped bristles on long, thin metal arms. You had to hold perfectly still or they might injure you. Several of the males lost a testicle that way and some others had their eyes damaged beyond repair.”