Believed (My Misery Muse)

by Betzold, Brei

I giggled quietly to myself while digging through my messenger bag. I pulled out my ear buds and sketchpad, I decided on a playlist, when The Fratellis’ Chelsea Dagger started playing I lost myself in sketching, shading and filling, every now and then I’d glance up under my lashes and take a peek at my subject before refocusing. It was fun to sketch someone without them noticing it. You were able to capture them purely. It also made it more difficult because they moved around, facial expressions changed. You had to focus on a feature at a time instead of the picture as a whole. I normally just focused on jewelry designs, but I didn’t have anything in mind currently, and I had the urge to create.

  When I was finished, I noticed that the guys had moved around, Xavier was now working on his own make-up while Seth had disappeared. I took a quick picture of the sketch I’d made of Seth and sent it to Devi. I looked it over a moment longer, I was mostly happy with it. I had him sitting in a chair looking in a mirror applying kohl but the mirror image I’d used a picture off my phone, one of him sitting with Jaks and Cait curled on his chest while reading a book to them.

  Devi: DIBS!!!!!!

  Me: J

  I looked back down at my phone and realize that two hours had passed, I wasn’t sure what time the show started but I didn’t want to interrupt them. They all seemed so focused on what they were doing. I searched online for the shows info so I had some idea on what was going on when Sam walked out. He was rocking leather pants, a Dr. Who T-shirt was layered over a fishnet long sleeve. He looked hot, rock star hot, it was like a different version of the Sam I knew. The one I knew wore jeans that were barely holding together and vintage band shirts. I’d seen the guys play before, but it felt different this time without everyone else here as well.

  “What are you working on?” Seth asked breaking the quiet.

  “Just sketching.”

  “Can I see?”

  I felt my face flame and looked away. “Uhm sure.” I was always nervous about showing the person I sketched my work. If they hated it would be awkward.

  “Damn,” he breathed, “that’s… holy shit.”

  I peeked up at him. “You like it?”

  He stood there staring down at the sketch of him. “I love it.”

  “I’m glad,” I said finally smiling.

  “Can I have it?”

  “Your wife called dibs.”

  “I want to put it up above my bunk so I can see it before I sleep,” he murmured tracing the image of his two children. “I miss them.”

  I sighed internally and fell a little bit in love with Seth Taylor and a whole lot of jealous of Devi.

  “Just give it to her so she can have it when the tour’s over.”

  He looked up and flashed me that killer smile of his. “You are extremely talented.”

  I blushed. “Thanks.”

  “Can you hold on to it until we’re on the bus, I don’t want anything to happen to it?”

  “Of course,” I said taking the pad back from him. “What time does this thing start?”

  “The opening band goes on in thirty minutes; they have a forty-five minute set then changing the stage around for ten minutes before we go on.”

  “How long are you playing?”

  “Our set lasts two hours.”

  “Thanks,” I said pulling my phone back out.

  Me: You’re one lucky momma

  Devi: Trust me I know

  Me: a wee bit jealous over here

  Devi: aww honey yours will come

  Me: not holding my breath

  Devi: I think it will happen before you know it

  Me: huh?

  Devi: devil is in the details

  Me: WTF if you weren’t preggers I’d think you were hitting the wine bottle

  Devi: HA

  “You want to go out and see the opening band?” Sam asked causing me to jerk up; I hadn’t noticed him walk over.

  “Yeah,” I said collecting my stuff.

  “Leave it, we’ll be back in here later.”

  I nodded and shoved my cell in my back pocket then followed him through a labyrinth of tunnels. Though I wasn’t paying attention to where we were going, I was too engrossed in watching Sam’s ass in the jeans he was wearing. They seemed to be molded to his ass and thighs. I looked up watching the play of muscles beneath his black T-shirt that was straining across his shoulders. While all the guys were hot, Sam was my wet dream. He had the whole looked like an angel but you knew the devil lurked below the surface. His blond hair was tousled in a just fucked look that made me envision being the woman who had ran my fingers through it while he brought me to orgasm over and over.

  “Fuck,” I yelped when I ran into something.

  Sam

  I looked back and found Jules hopping around on one foot while a stream of obscenities flew out of her mouth.

  “You okay?” I asked while rushing over to her.

  “Fine,” she gritted between her teeth. “Just not paying attention to where I was walking.”

  “What did you hurt?” I asked.

  “Just my knee,” she grumbled.

  “Let me see,” I said picking her up at the waist and putting her on top of one of the black rolling boxes we used for stage equipment.

  “I’ll be fine. I’m a klutz and do this often.”

  “Please?” I asked quietly.

  She sighed, nodded then looked away, I gently rolled up her pant leg so I could get a look. An angry red mark covered it and I could already see where it was starting to bruise. I leaned down and carefully kissed it, when I heard her gasp I pulled my eyes up to hers. She was staring down at me with a look of wonder and lust on her face. I stood quickly and pulled her pant leg down.

  “You’ll have a bruise.”

  She nodded while watching me closely.

  “So what were you looking at that caused you to walk into a four foot tall wooden box?” I asked trying to distract myself.

  Her cheeks turned pink, she looked down and began playing with a frayed hole in the thigh of her jeans. “Just not paying attention,” she mumbled.

  I cocked my head to the side and watched as she studiously avoided looking at me, and I couldn’t hide what I was sure was a cocky grin. “You were staring at my ass.” I said playfully.

  “No I wasn’t.”

  “Then why are you blushing?”

  “Fine,” she snapped, “you have a great ass.”

  I chuckled at the way her face went from pink to red. “Come on, perv, we better get to the wings if you want to watch Warped Morality.”

  “Warped Morality?”

  “They’re the opening band for the tour.” I grabbed her hand lacing my fingers with hers. “Just in case I need to pull you away from equipment while you stare at my ass some more,” I said then winked at her.

  “Shut up,” she growled.

  I led her over to the left wings where the opening band was waiting, they looked better than the first show they did with us. No one was tinged green, only pale and pasty. I knew first-hand what it was like walking out on that stage with over ten thousand people waiting to love or hate them.

  I turned, grabbed Jules, and sat her on a speaker off to the side. “Stay,” I ordered and walked over to check on the other band.

  Chapter 10

  Jules

  “Stay,” I mimicked then flipped him off. I still couldn’t believe that I actually admitted to staring at his ass, let alone saying it was a great ass. What the hell was wrong with me? I’d decided that I was done with men for now. Plus, he, like everyone else, looked at me like the cute little sister, which sucked for my self-image. I wanted someone to look at me like I was sexy, like how Cris looked at Ash. Instead, I was looked at like the adorable puppy that peed outside for the first time. I didn’t want a man anyway, I reminded myself, they’re nothing but drama and trouble. I had other things to focus on like getting my jewelry business up and running.

  Also I didn’t want someone like Sam, I mean yeah he was fucking hot, funny, and a swee
theart but he was a work-a-holic. Even now as he was standing there talking to the other band he was scrolling through his phone while talking and answering questions. I knew from Max that Sam never stopped working, if he wasn’t working on something for the band, he was working on new music, and now that he was buying a label it was going to get worse. While I may work a lot, getting my business up and running, I still understood the need to take time off for myself so I didn’t burn out. I also still worked at Pin’s Ink five days a week to pay the bills. I made sure to take a day for myself each week, if I didn’t I’d go crazy. I wouldn’t be able to handle someone who was work-work-work twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.

  With that firmly decided, no more lusting over Sam. I’d made up my mind, not that he actually wanted me, but still no, not going there. I sighed silently when he turned back and looked at me, his dimples flashing with his smile. Fuck, I was screwed, I was totally and completely in lust with Sam. I dug out my phone so I could focus on something else, this was making my head hurt and the butterflies in my stomach at the rare sight of his dimples were fluttering like crazy.

  Me: I’m in lust with your brother

  Fuck, why did I send that? God, I’m an idiot.

  Max: I know ;)

  Me: help me stop

  Max: why?

  Me: cause I’m an idiot

  Max: no you’re not

  Me: yes I am

  Max: he could do worse

  I looked up and saw a girl who looked like she was with the other band slink up and start rubbing against Sam. I felt my blood boil and the need to scratch her eyes out rose. I had to remind myself that he wasn’t mine. I had no claim to him, and if he wanted to fuck some ho bag skank I couldn’t do anything about it.

  Me: he already is

  Max: huh?

  Me: some girl rubbing on him

  Max: Ha you’re jealous

  Me: am not

  Max: are too

  Me: shut up

  Max: he doesn’t hook up with groupies

  Me: I think she’s a member of Warped Morality

  Max: Warped Morality?

  Me: the opening band

  Max: then he really won’t touch her

  Me: I love you

  Max: love you too

  I watched as Sam deftly stepped out of the ho bag’s clutches and I let go of a breath I didn’t realize I was holding. She pouted up at him and I rolled my eyes as she fluttered her eyelashes at him.

  Me: how’s the shop?

  Max: lonely

  Me: how’s Haven working out?

  Max: brilliant

  Me: I’m sad I’m not there to help her like I planned

  Max: Cris put the new girl on it

  Me: working okay?

  Max: no Haven kicked her out

  Me: *giggles*

  Max: you’re a bitch

  Me: I know

  Max: miss you

  Me: miss you too

  Me: how’s your dad?

  Max: worse

  Me: I’m sorry, if you need me I can blow this popsicle stand

  Max: no I need you to be there and safe

  Me:  not a baby

  Max: no you’re not, still need you safe

  Me: fine, gotta go shows about to start

  Max: text me later

  Me: later

  “Who are you texting?” Sam asked coming up and leaning against the speaker he sat me on earlier.

  “Max.”

  Sam

  That one name reminded me why I couldn’t go near this girl, well that along with me no longer believing in relationships, monogamy, and love. Jules was the kind of girl who deserved someone who could promise her the stars, that wasn’t me—that was someone like Max. He hadn’t had his illusions blown, and I hoped I could keep the secret so he never would.

  “They’re about to start,” I said looking up at her.

  She wiggled until her feet dangled closer to the floor then dropped down, I looked and once again noticed how tiny she was compared to me. The top of her head barely reached my collarbone. She looked so tiny and fragile. She looked perfect, no, I reminded myself she was Max’s girl. She was perfect for Max.

  I walked with her to the side where we had a clear view of Warped Morality. The members were standing there watching as Lana stalked to the center of stage. She grabbed the mic, screamed, and the guys quickly fell in behind her perfectly. I was proud of them, they were getting more comfortable on stage. Though Lana needed to learn to keep her hands to herself quickly before she got herself in trouble that she couldn’t get herself out of. The first time Devi sees her hanging on Seth like she does when he’s around I won’t be able to stop the outcome. Though it will be a lesson she needs to learn, and quickly.

  “What do you think?” I yelled.

  “They’re okay,” she yelled back while watching as Lana worked the stage. The guys in the band stayed back letting her have the limelight. I wasn’t sure if that was because they didn’t want it, or because that’s the way she demanded it.

  I saw movement at my side and looked over just in time to watch Xavier drape an arm around Jules shoulder and pull her close. He leaned down and whispered something in her ear that caused her to laugh and grimace at the same time. She reached up and pulled him down saying something in his ear that had him shaking his head no.

  I looked back at the band playing trying to ignore them, but it didn’t help the urge I had to rip Xavier’s arm from his body and beat him with it. Seth was standing beside me watching with a smirk on his face, I flipped him off and stalked away. I needed to find Ian before we went on. He was out running errands for me all day and I wanted to make sure everything was ready.

  Chapter 11

  Jules

  I watched from the sidelines as the guys went to their spots on the pitch black stage, if it were me trying to navigate I’d have fallen face first. Sam hit a note on his guitar that reverberated throughout the huge arena, with that first note the mostly silent crowd went nuts. Lights flashed on and the guys went into their first song. I smiled when they started playing Faith from their third album. It was one of my favorites. I sang along while Xavier traversed the stage. It was amazing watching him in action; he somehow made it seem that he was singing to only you in a jam packed arena. Sam and Seth bounced around the stage while flirting with the audience, while Eli was back on a riser beating the hell out of his drums.

  It was always electrifying watching a live show, but it was even more so when you could see the band having fun while up there. They were undoubtedly having fun tonight, Seth stood beside a monitor on the side of the stage, his foot propped up lost in the music. Sam had his head thrown back which a look of pure pleasure on his face. Once the song came to an end, I screamed along with the rest of the crowd.

  “How you doing, Vegas?” Xavier said in the mic.

  The crowd went even more insane, he looked over to his left where Seth was taking a drink from a bottle of water.

  “What do you think, Seth?”

  “I think that was fucking pathetic!” he shouted in his mic.

  “You heard the man, how you doing, Vegas?” Xavier asked again.

  The crowds response was even louder before. “That’s better,” X growled.

  They went into a song from their second album, which had done well on the charts. I danced around having fun while trying to ignore the people who were coming to stand in the same area as me. Before during the opening act the sidelines were deserted but now they were starting to fill up quickly. I focused on the band and watched the show.

  By the fifth song, I was feeling the anxiety creep in, I tried to reassure myself that there was no way he was here. Only I still caught myself checking the faces around me looking for Beau’s. I knew I was being ridiculous, but I couldn’t stop myself. I tried to focus on the show but it was becoming more and more difficult. It felt like ants were crawling on my skin, and a cold sweat was breaking out across my skin. I remembered my t
herapist talking to me about ways to handle an anxiety attack and tried taking deep breaths while picturing my safe place. I was beginning to calm myself down when someone bumped into me and I lost it. I started hyperventilating. I knew deep down that I was overreacting but my body was dropping so many endorphins into my system that I couldn’t grasp the calm I needed.

  “Sugar, you’re safe,” a voice said beside me while strong arms pulled me to a sweaty chest. “Shh, Jules breathe with me, sugar.”

  I tried to pull away but he held me to him tightly and finally the voices penetrated the fog I was in. “That’s it, shug, just breathe.”

  I tried slowing my breathing down to Xavier’s slow pace but my body fought me on it still ready with its fight or flight instinct. “Just breathe, Jules,” he whispered in my ear. I slowly relaxed into him and my breathing steadied. I took in my surroundings, everyone was staring at me and I buried my face in Xavier’s chest trying to hide.

  “You okay now, Jules?” X asked quietly.

  I nodded against his chest completely mortified.

  “She’s fine, Sam,” X snapped. “She just had a panic attack.” He leaned down. “Do you want to stay out here for the rest of the show? Or would you prefer to hang out in the dressing room?”

  “Dressing room, please,” I whispered.

  “Coop,” X called. “Can you take Jules to the dressing room? Don’t leave her alone.”

  “Yes, sir,” he responded.

  “Go on with Coop, Jules, we’ll be back there soon.”

  “’Kay,” I mumbled and released Xavier when I felt a different arm circle my waist. I allowed myself to be led back to the dressing room where I laid down on the couch and fought the tears. I refuse to let that selfish prick ruin my life. I was past this shit, I was finally better. I wasn’t going to let him win. I kept telling myself this hoping that I’d be able to convince myself. I tried to act like everything was fine, normal, only they weren’t. He took something from me; he took my sense of safety from me. Now I had to fight to get it back.

  Sam

  I watched as Jules walked off tucked safely beside Cooper, but I still fought the urge to go after her. I wanted to reassure myself that she was really okay. I kept watch until they turned the corner before looking at my other band mates.