Miriam's Quilt

by Jennifer Beckstrand

  Although she was tempted to follow Susie down the stairs, Miriam knew instinctively that she wasn’t wanted in the conversation. She sat on the bed and listened to the soft hum of their voices but couldn’t hear well enough to distinguish words.

  Hollow and Susie worked together every day at that pretzel stand. They seemed to be good friends. What other boy was Susie so close to?

  Miriam covered her eyes and massaged her forehead. Was she blind to what stood right in front of her? She had assumed that Hollow gravitated to Susie at gatherings and singeons because Susie and Hollow’s sister, Esther Rose, were friends. With her heart beating against her rib cage, Miriam clasped the bedspread in her fists to keep herself from jumping up and running downstairs to confront Hollow.

  How could he have done such a thing to her sweet sister?

  Taking deep breaths, Miriam willed herself to stay calm. Hollow didn’t seem to be remorseful. Maybe he didn’t know that Susie was three months’ pregnant. Miriam bit her lip. She wouldn’t be the one to tell him. Yet. But she saved that thought for another time in case she changed her mind.

  She heard the front door close. A few seconds later Susie appeared, holding the yellow gift. Miriam wasn’t surprised when she burst into tears.

  “He brought me a present. He said he doesn’t want me to forget Apple Lake.” Susie sat on the bed next to Miriam and fingered the curly orange ribbon on the top of the box. “I will never forget Apple Lake, but you will forget me.”

  Miriam thought she would explode with indignation. “Susie, you’ve got to tell him. He’s got to do right by this child.”

  Susie’s eyes could have popped out of her head. “You think Hollow is the father?” She stopped sniffling. “Hollow would never—”

  “Are you telling me the truth?”

  “Don’t ask me about the father. Hollow is ten times a better man than he is.” Susie wrapped her arms around the box and held it as if it were a baby. “I was so stupid, Miriam. He said no one would ever know what we did and that it wasn’t a sin when two people loved each other so much. He said we were two souls who shared one heart.”

  “You didn’t know any better.”

  “Yes, I did. I knew what he said was wrong, but I thought I loved him the way you love Ephraim. I wanted to believe him with all my heart.”

  Miriam grasped Susie’s arm. “Maybe he still loves you. It’s not too late to marry and make things right.”

  A bitter laugh escaped Susie’s lips. “He has not said a word to me since that night. He won’t even look at me when we pass on the street. I wouldn’t marry him now even if he asked.”

  “But if he knew about the baby—”

  Susie lifted her chin in stubborn determination. “He would reject both of us. I will never be taken in by him again.”

  Miriam looked at her sister in surprise. Susie had never displayed such backbone.

  Susie slid the ribbon from the present and tore back the paper to reveal a wooden plaque with a house and trees painted on it. Letters set against the blue of the sky said EAST OR WEST, HOME IS BEST.

  “That’s our house,” Miriam said.

  “Hollow painted it. He does scenes on milk cans and plaques for his mamm.” Susie ran her fingers over the letters and started crying again. “I don’t want to go to Canada. What if I throw up on the bus? What if the Martins are mean? What if they don’t like me? I don’t want to go.”

  The weight pressing on Miriam’s heart grew heavier and heavier. Susie slowly sank to a place from which Miriam could not pull her back.

  Dear Lord, what would You have me do?

  * * * * *

  Susie soon cried herself out. She laid her head on her pillow and fell asleep. Leaving Susie napping, Miriam made her way downstairs. The yelling had stopped almost a half hour ago, so it felt safe to enter the kitchen.

  Yost sat at the table eating a piece of bread with some sort of white spread on it. He didn’t acknowledge her when she entered the room, simply frowning and staring at his lunch instead.

  “Is that mayonnaise?” Miriam said.

  “There is nothing to eat.”

  Miriam opened a cupboard. “Would you like a tuna fish sandwich?”

  “Okay.”

  First retrieving Yost’s bread with one bite out of it, she then opened a can of tuna and mixed it with mayonnaise and pickle juice. She smoothed the tuna spread over the slice of bread, stacked pickles on top, and handed it to her brother. Next she pulled three hard-boiled eggs from the icebox, peeled them, cut them in half, and scooped the yolk from each one. To the yolks she added mayonnaise, salt, garlic, and chili oil before scooping the yellow paste back into the whites.

  After artfully arranging the six halves on a plate, she set them in front of her brother.

  He looked at them as if they’d been poisoned. “What do you want, Miriam?”

  “I want you to put some meat on those bones.”

  He didn’t touch the eggs. “You don’t have to try to be nice. I know what everyone thinks of me.”

  “That you are too skinny?”

  “That I am a terrible person. That I’ve brought shame to the family and don’t deserve to be called a Bontrager. That you wish I wasn’t your brother.”

  “Last week you helped me wash all the windows in this house. You got up on that ladder and knocked down the wasp nests. And you carry coal to the basement because it’s too heavy for Mamm. Remember when Callie broke his arm and you carved that little frog out of wood to cheer him up? Or how you used to give me a hug every day and tell Susie she’s beautiful?”

  Yost turned his face from Miriam.

  “I never wish you weren’t my brother.”

  “Only when I behave the way you want me to. But as soon as I slip up, all that love flies out the window. What if I do buy a car or jump the fence? I won’t be so lovable after that.”

  Miriam sat beside Yost and laid her hand on his arm. “I don’t want to shoulder the responsibility for your past and future choices, and I am not going to try to drag you back to the straight and narrow. I love you no matter what you do or how bad you think you are.”

  Yost pulled his arm out from under Miriam’s hand. His expression didn’t change, but he picked up an egg and popped it into his mouth. “I like them spicy.”

  “I want to understand you, little brother. Talk to me.”

  “About what?”

  “Tell me about the drugs.”

  Yost frowned. “Nothing to tell.”

  “Then tell me why you want a car.”

  Yost stared at his plate. “Joe and I were at the movies once and there was a boy with a really nice red Mustang convertible. The top was down, and he was laughing and having fun with his friends. How can something that makes someone so happy be bad? He can go wherever he wants. He’s free.”

  “Do you feel trapped?”

  “I have all these rules that I must follow, but they don’t make me happy, only angry. No one understands how it is except Joe. Joe met a man who told him he could make lots of money selling marijuana and no one would ever suspect two Amish kids. I didn’t do it to hurt anybody or get anybody hooked on drugs, Miriam. I wanted the money for a car.”

  “I know. You wouldn’t hurt a soul.”

  “I thought my life was over when they took us to that detention center.” He buried his face in his hands. “I never, never want to go there again.”

  Seth was right. Yost’s own conscience would punish him far better than anything anyone could say. Miriam scooted close and put her arm around Yost. “I’m sure it was terrible.”

  Yost wiped his eyes. “Dat hates me. I see it in his eyes whenever he looks at me. Like he wishes I had never been born. I wish that sometimes too.”

  “Dat is afraid of losing you. He feels helpless, and so he gets angry because he doesn’t know what to do. He wouldn’t be this upset if he loved you less.”

  “I used to believe he loved me, but that was when I was younger and didn’t do anything wrong.
”

  “Nothing like this has ever happened to us or to anyone we know in the community. Our family, including you, is trying to do our best when we don’t have any idea what to do. Do you think you can forgive Dat’s mistakes and my mistakes while we try to figure it out?”

  Yost ran his finger around the edge of his plate. “I can’t be perfect like you, Miriam.”

  “That is a ridiculous notion. None is perfect but God.” She snatched the last egg and stuffed it into her mouth.

  “Hey!”

  “That’s what you get for tempting my humility.” Suddenly her eyes teared up, and she coughed until she was forced to jump up and pour herself a glass of milk. “Hot, hot!”

  “That’s what you get for stealing one of my eggs.”

  Miriam fanned her face with her hand and stuck out her tongue. “I can’t believe I made these.”

  “They’ll clear out your sinuses.”

  She took another swig of milk. “I hope you enjoyed those, because we are almost out of chili oil. I bought that bottle in La Crosse, and I don’t know where I can find anything like it in Apple Lake.”

  “If I had a car, I could drive you to La Crosse for shopping every week.”

  Icy fingers of disappointment curled around Miriam’s heart. “You are never going to have a car, Yost.”

  With a flick of his wrist, Yost slid his plate across the table to Miriam. She caught it before it fell to the floor. He stood up, scowled, and pinned her with a fiery glare. “I’m not perfect like you, Miriam. I never will be.”

  A hopeless, sinking ache filled Miriam. Yost kept insisting that she was perfect, and for the first time, Miriam realized that he meant it not as a flippant insult, but as a condemnation of himself. She had admonished him harshly, and now every time she lectured or scolded him or even tried to influence his behavior, she made him feel smaller.

  She was completely helpless to make things better. For anybody.

  Chapter 12

  Miriam’s heart pounded as soon as she saw Ephraim walk through the Yoders’ door for Sunday services. Her eyes followed his every move as he shook hands with Gabe Yoder, said something to his brother, and waved to the bishop. His eyes, however, did not stray to her side of the room.

  She already sat in her place on one of the benches with Susie so she couldn’t very well leap from her seat to greet him, but she felt jealous of everyone Ephraim talked to or smiled at. She wished he would send one of his smiles her way. Although they hadn’t been cross or disagreed with each other on the night Yost came home from detention, she felt they had not parted on good terms. She hadn’t seen him since that night over two weeks ago and she ached to talk with him, to get his comfort for the tragedy that had befallen her family.

  Yost had his elbows propped on his knees with his face buried in his hands. Even though Dat had insisted, Miriam admired Yost’s courage for coming to church. Despite his angry denials, she knew how embarrassed he felt about his arrest. If it had been her, she would have crawled under her bed and never come out again.

  Ephraim and his brother always, always sat beside Yost at gmay. There were no assigned seats, but many boys and girls had the habit of sitting in the same place week after week. Yet today, something changed. Ephraim looked directly at Yost, patted his brother Freeman on the shoulder, and guided him to the row behind Yost. Miriam caught her breath and quickly averted her eyes. What had just happened?

  She took a deep breath and tried to relax her tense shoulders. The change in seating arrangements was out of the ordinary, but surely it wasn’t a cause for alarm. With all that had happened in the last two weeks, she was overly sensitive.

  Even though the room felt cramped, no one else filled the row after the Neuenschwanders abandoned it—mainly because they were all in the habit of sitting somewhere else. Miriam glanced at Yost in concern, but he sat with his head in his hands and didn’t seem to notice his surroundings.

  Halfway through the first hymn, the Lambright children slipped through the front door. Seth nodded sheepishly to the minister and mouthed “Sorry” to the congregation in general. Priscilla and Laura tiptoed to the back row of benches behind the women, and Seth and his little brothers filled in next to Yost. Out of the corners of her eyes, Miriam saw Seth grab Yost firmly by the shoulder and hold out his hand to him. Yost took the proffered hand, and Seth pumped it vigorously as if the whole congregation weren’t right in the middle of a hymn.

  Miriam smoothed an imaginary lock of hair from her face and studiously kept her nose in the Ausbund as warmth spread through her body. Seth would have her undying gratitude for that small gesture of friendship.

  She didn’t listen to much of the sermon given by the visiting minister. She sat with her heart in her toes, wishing she could steal into Ephraim’s thoughts simply by staring at him. No matter what else happened today, she determined to talk to him, to assure him that she stood strong and loved him beyond expression. The final hymn couldn’t be over soon enough.

  As the service ended, women separated to the kitchen to prepare the afternoon meal and men stacked benches to use as tables. Miriam kept her gaze glued to Ephraim as she left Susie with Mamm and weaved her way through the men and benches. Ephraim walked out the front door with his fater and brother before she could reach him.

  When she finally made it to the door, he was halfway across the yard.

  “Ephraim, where are you going?” she called.

  He looked back at her but kept walking. “We are going to visit the shut-ins.”

  “You can’t even stay for dinner?”

  “Nae, I will see you later. I need to go.”

  He hopped into his buggy without so much as a reassuring smile and rode away. Miriam wrapped her arms around her waist and watched his buggy travel down the lane until she could not see it anymore.

  She knew Ephraim had a gute heart—always thinking of others before himself—but she wanted to be with him.

  She trudged to the kitchen and helped spread peanut butter on bread for dinner. When it was her turn to sit down, she ate a small pickle and a red beet but couldn’t muster an appetite for anything else. How could she think about food?

  So many ladies helped with cleanup that there was hardly any room left in the kitchen to stand. Miriam wiped a counter then stood in the middle of the room looking for something to do.

  “Miriam,” Mamm said, “take this basket to our buggy, will you?”

  Glad to be occupied, Miriam grabbed the basket of empty pint jars and walked it to the buggy, enjoying the beautiful summer day. The fleecy white clouds hung high in the sky, and the apricot tree in the Yoders’ front yard sagged with bright orange fruit. Miriam breathed the fresh air and said a prayer of gratitude for her many blessings. The troubles would pass, Lord willing, but His mercy remained constant.

  Seth sat on the lawn under a willow tree while Mary Shetler stood a few feet away. They seemed to be having a conversation, but Miriam couldn’t be sure.

  After delivering her basket to the buggy, Miriam walked back to the house. She stopped before she opened the screen door and watched the younger children play in the backyard. Seth still sat under the tree, but Mary was nowhere to be seen. He caught sight of Miriam staring and waved. She smiled and waved back.

  “Joe Bieler and Yost Bontrager? I hadn’t thought it possible.”

  Miriam froze as she heard her brother’s name uttered by her neighbor, Treva Kanagy, on the other side of the screen door.

  “They say Yost has been selling drugs for months.”

  “It wonders me that John and Lisa did not know about it,” Treva said.

  “John is busy working and managing his farms.”

  “He should be more mindful of what is going on at home.”

  “To be sure. I work my sons so hard, they don’t have no time to fritter away. Some parents are not careful. I am sorry for them.”

  Miriam could not move her legs even though she wanted nothing more than to be a hundred miles away from this
conversation.

  “We reap what we sow, Ruth. ‘A child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.’”

  “They used to be one of our strongest families.”

  Miriam slowly backed away from the door and somehow stumbled down the steps without falling flat on her face. Her hands shook uncontrollably, and sweat beaded on her forehead. She wanted to run as far away as possible, but it would soon be time to go and Mamm mustn’t be forced to come searching.

  How could her family have sunk so low? Why was God punishing them like this? They had gone from being the most highly regarded people in the community to a family of troublemakers. Was this what it felt like to be a leper?

  In long, purposeful strides, she made her way across the yard to Seth’s tree. She sat down next to him so that her back faced the yard and the children.

  Seth arched an eyebrow. “Do you find that trunk interesting?”

  “Okay…,” she began. “Okay, I need to tell you…” Her voice cracked, wavered, and shook, and before she could control it, she once again found herself bawling like a newborn buplie in Seth’s presence.

  Sincere concern covered his features and he leaned toward her. “Are you okay? Do you want me to fetch your mamm?”

  Miriam shook her head and went right on crying while Seth watched her. She had already made a fool of herself in front of him once. No need to hold anything back now. “Will you…will you pretend we are having a conversation so this doesn’t look strange to anyone watching?”

  A ghost of a smile flitted across Seth’s face. “Do you want me to move my lips as if I am talking to you, or would you prefer that I actually say something, like I’m doing now? If I just move my lips, you won’t actually have to listen to any boring speeches, but I don’t know if I am skilled enough to move my lips and make it look like I am actually talking. Simply moving my lips might appear more peculiar than you and I sitting here in silence. I don’t want to trouble you, but the strangest part of all this is that you are sitting next to me and staring at the trunk of a willow tree while I talk to the side of your head.”

  Miriam couldn’t help giggling through her tears. “I think I can pull myself together now.” She wiped her eyes with the hanky Susie had embroidered for her and blew her nose as discreetly as possible.