ARC: The Almost Girl

by Amalie Howard

  And in that same moment, I realize who the dark-eyed girl is. She’s been someone I trusted. Once upon a time, I would have considered her a loyal teammate. But when she went against orders with a group of insurgents led by her brother, the King called for swift justice.

  I know exactly who she is. She’s a Commander I exiled to the Outers four years ago; she is the single broken line tattooed on my neck.

  And now she is one of us.

  FATHER DEAREST

  Despite the fact that Loren, the soldier I’d exiled, was one of the volunteers, oddly enough, to be on my team, things were on track with Aurela’s wishes. I was suspicious the minute Loren voiced her desire to come with me – she obviously had a bone to pick. After all, I executed her brother and exiled her.

  But at the end of the day, I know that it doesn’t matter. I don’t trust anyone, and no one here trusts me either, for good reason. I’d been the worst of the worst, and a part of me is still that person. I was programmed to be emotionless, to obey orders, to kill without question. And because of the nanoplasm, I’m faster and fiercer than anyone else. I’m death in a girl’s body.

  It stands to reason that people will hate me.

  But I have a job to do, and I can’t let some soldier with a vendetta get in the way, even if she has every reason to want to stick an electro-rod through my guts the first chance she gets. We all have our demons.

  And the old saying about keeping your enemies close is true enough.

  “Why are we breaking into your old house again?” Caden asks, bringing me back to the present.

  We are crouched behind a building, dressed in identical gray fatigues, the ones the soldiers on the streets wear. I stole them the day before once I realized what I needed to do as part of my plan to infiltrate the palace. I debated against bringing Caden, but leaving him behind wasn’t an option. And it isn’t exactly the most dangerous situation – my father will be at the lab – and we’ll be in and out before anyone realizes that we’ve gone. We’ll be safe as kittens. I hoped.

  “I need something. Something important.”

  “Won’t Aurela be pissed that we snuck out?”

  Exasperated, I turn to face him. “Well, she’s not going to find out, is she? If we hurry up, that is. Come on; we don’t have all day. In and out, OK?”

  My father’s home, the place where I grew up, is in Sector One. Naturally it’s the closest sector to the castle, but, oddly enough, doesn’t have that much security. People from other sectors don’t voluntarily go to Sector One. Shae and I always joked that we needed guards to keep people in instead of keeping undesirables out. Sector One citizens didn’t mingle with people from other sectors – they were the cream of the crop, the brains of Neospes.

  I borrowed Sauer’s transport hover without his permission but I figured that’s what they were for… emergencies. Caden and I had lugged the hover-bike near the side of a warehouse behind some crates and covered it with a tarp.

  “Get changed,” I snap to him, and toss him a silver oversuit.

  “Why?”

  I wave a hand around us and shrug into my own jumpsuit over my clothes. “Notice that everything in Sector One is silver? It’s a sign of privilege. And we need to blend in. The fatigues were only to get us here.”

  There aren’t many people walking around. Most of them are at work, and the younger ones are training in their chosen vocation or in the fields. The elite training fields are between Sector One and Sector Two, and most of the soldiers’ families are housed in Sector Three. So Sector One is quiet.

  “Stay close,” I warn Caden. “And be vigilant. There are cameras everywhere. If they scan us without a chip, we’re toast.”

  It’s a fine line between appearing casual to any onlookers and staying out of sight of the many electronic eyes in each Sector. In Neospes, peace isn’t a result of freedom. It’s a result of swift military action. Break the law and face the punishment. Those electronic eyes watch everything all the time – and freedom is the price we have to pay for the security of life in the dome.

  “I thought you said this was going to be easy.”

  “This is easy. Come on.”

  We make our way along the side of a row of identical white and light gray-patterned housing cubes, staying out of sight of the main street and weaving in and out of smaller alleys, until we come to a house with tiny purple flowers planted along the edges. My heart trembles in my chest. Shae and I planted them when we were little, in defiance of all the gray and white. Surely my father would have destroyed them. Why has he kept them? As a memory of what? How much we hated Sector One? How much we both hated him?

  “This is it. There shouldn’t be anyone here, but be alert,” I say. “Quick, around the back.”

  I don’t want to draw any attention by going to the front, street side, especially for a wanted fugitive. Located on the far side of Sector One, my father’s house backs onto a deep, rocky gorge.

  The gorge appears bottomless and beautiful in a raw-nature kind of way, with a sheer, reflective rock face on one side and broken rubble on the other. The sun glints off the different colored minerals in the rock so brightly that it’s like being inside a prism. Free of security cameras and prying eyes, the gorge was one of my favorite places to hide.

  “Wow, so this is where you lived?” Caden says. “It’s amazing.”

  I allow myself a smile. “See that ledge over there? Across the gorge? That’s actually a cave; it used to be my hideout. My secret place to get away.”

  The mouth of the cave is barely noticeable. I can see him squinting, so I move closer to show him, lining my face up against his and pointing. Caden turns into me, and it brings back memories I don’t want to think about. Not now, especially given what happened the last time. Despite the electric zing in my belly and my sudden breathlessness, I step away. A wounded look slashes across Caden’s expression, but he hides it quickly.

  “So it was like your tree house. What’d you keep in there, dolls and stuff?”

  I snort. “More like a stash of knives and electro-grenades.”

  Caden’s green eyes flash with humor. “Come on, every little girl has to have dolls somewhere.”

  “So then,” I toss back, “where was your stash of dolls?”

  A wide grin. “Are you calling me a girl?”

  “Hey, if the shoe fits…”

  “I’ll admit I played with dolls, only they were called GI Joes, so technically they were action figures. But if you still think I’m a girl, I’d be happy to prove otherwise.” Caden’s grin turns wicked and makes a hundred butterflies go aloft in my belly. A flash of his sweaty, defined abs in the training room at Sauer’s jumps into my head, and this time I can’t control the crazy blush that invades my entire body. He is definitely all boy.

  “No, thanks, I’m good.” I manage to sound normal, even though my heartbeat is on a rampage following the shameless turn of my thoughts.

  Get a grip, Riven, I hiss to myself. This isn’t the time or place to be lusting after a boy like a slutty Sadie clone. But now that that door is open, it’s kind of hard to get the images out of my head.

  “Well, if you change your mind,” Caden says, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively and sashaying his hips.

  “You are such a freak,” I retort, blushing. “Come on, let’s go. And keep it together, will you? We could get arrested or die any second.”

  “So you keep saying.”

  Pulling a small laser device from my pocket, I hold it up to the keypad sensor on the back door. A whine, and the locks click back. Inside, the house is exactly the same as I remembered. Not a little; exactly the same. My father, as brilliant as he is, has never been one for any kind of change. The small but efficient kitchen is spotless. So is the high table with its benches. Off the kitchen and dining area is a larger living space, but it looks unused. The sleeping quarters are on either side of the main area.

  Caden is behind me on silent feet. His eyes are wide and he’s taking it all in.
I know he has to be curious about where Shae and I used to live. After all, he’d been with her for years in the Otherworld, only to find out that he didn’t know the truth about who she actually was all along.

  Or me either, for that matter.

  “Try not to touch anything, OK? He can’t know that we – or anyone – has been here.”

  “Aren’t there security cameras in here, too?” Caden asks nervously.

  I shake my head. “No, my father is exempt from many of Neospes’ laws.”

  My fingers curl into knots at my side, knowing exactly why he hadn’t wanted to be seen. I don’t bother to go to my parents’ old room. I don’t even want to think about him more than I already have. Instead, I push open the door to the room that Shae and I shared, my gloved fingers cold on the thin metal door.

  Caden’s gasp behind me is audible. “What the…”

  “Now you understand what we’re dealing with?” I say quietly. “A psychopath.”

  The room is a shambles, littered with broken furniture. The top bunk, soldered into the walls, is now chopped into white and black remnants with bits of mattress strewn all over the floor. The bottom bunk hangs drunkenly off its remaining hinge. It looks like he’d gone after the room with a blowtorch. Huge black gashes discolor the walls.

  It’s the work of a madman… one consumed by unimaginable rage.

  He’d torn holes in the thick carpet and ripped any of our remaining clothing to shreds. Not much of Shae’s was there after she left, but he shredded my old uniforms until they were nothing but tatters. The only thing left intact in the room is the glass case with all my trophies won during the different Games. They meant more to him than they ever did to me.

  “Wow,” Caden breathes, staring at the garish display. “You won… like everything.”

  “Robot blood. What can I say?” I reply drily. “Technically, I cheated, so I don’t deserve any of those.”

  “He cheated,” Caden reminds me. “Not you. You were innocent.”

  A deep guttural laugh that I recognize as my own crawls from my mouth. “Don’t make me into some kind of martyr, Caden. I was never an innocent, not for a second. Not after all I’ve done. I did all those things.” I thump my chest emphatically. “Me. Not him, not anyone else. Me.”

  “Riv,” Caden says slowly. “I understand you did all those things, but you did them because you were following orders, and you didn’t question them, because you were compromised by your father.” Caden grasps my shoulders, tugging me around to face him. I can’t look at him but I do. I meet his eyes and it’s like I’m standing at the edge of the gorge outside, on the brink of freefalling. “You have to stop punishing yourself for something that was out of your control. Can’t you see that? You have to see that.”

  But it isn’t his voice that convinces me. It’s the complete faith in his eyes… those green eyes that I’ve somehow known my whole life. And for the first time, I don’t think of Cale.

  It’s only Caden… this boy who believes in me more than I believe in myself. And I’m terrified. I’ve never been more afraid of anything in my life. I shift backward but his arms tighten, drawing me against his chest. His chin rests on top of my head, his breath warm against my hair.

  “Let it go, Riv,” he whispers, so close that I can see the soft pulse beneath his skin. “Let go of the past. It can’t hurt you anymore.”

  And then I’m weeping, long silent tears that soak my face and his shirt front… tears for all the years of pain and anger and loss. I cry until there’s nothing but dry sobs racking my body, and still I can’t stop. I cry for myself and my inability to love a boy who’s clearly in love with me. I’ll only hurt him. I’ll destroy him, just like everyone else in my life.

  “I’m scared. I can’t lose anyone else.” My voice is so soft, it’s more of a rasp than words against his shirt. But Caden raises his head. His hands move to hold my face on either side.

  “I know. But fear is just fear. It can only hurt you if you let it.” His thumbs rub gently against my cheekbones. “And I won’t let you let it.” His voice is hypnotic, weaving through all the broken parts of me and somehow bringing them back together. “Look at me, Riven,” he says, his eyes capturing mine easily. “You think I don’t know anything about fear? I know that if you let it, it can consume you.” His voice is so soft I can barely hear it. “You can’t be afraid all the time, afraid to lose everything. Shae told me how you did it in your training. Faced it, confronted it head on. This is the same thing.”

  “I didn’t save her,” I say, my words distraught.

  “You couldn’t save her.” His voice gentles. “Stop beating yourself up for something that was also out of your control. You only control what you do. Not the actions of others.”

  Caden is right – he’s seen right through me, right into the core of me. And he loves me. Just as I love him. I started to say it before my internal programming went berserk. I’ve never allowed myself to feel anything for anyone, not when everything I’ve been taught is the opposite; love precedes weakness. Then why do I like knowing that Caden feels something for me?

  I like it. I like him.

  His eyes widen as if he’s reading my thoughts, the internal battle I’m waging with myself… the war between want and reason, between girl and soldier. And I’m losing. I’m losing myself to him. My eyes speak the words that my mouth cannot.

  Yes, they say. Yes.

  Caden leans in as his right hand slides into my hair to the nape of my neck and brings my face toward his, his eyes never letting mine go. At the last minute before his lips touch mine, I close my eyes. The kiss is soft and featherlight, but I still slide my hands up his arms, gripping tightly, pressing myself against his body and demanding more.

  He smiles against my mouth, and our kiss deepens into something fierce and frantic. Suddenly, I can’t even think, standing there in my father’s house as the pain and fear fall away. All I can do is feel… the soft contours of his lips against mine, the taste of his mouth, the strength of his body. My fingers clutch his clothing and I am overwhelmed, breathless. Weightless.

  Caden trails kisses against my temple, my eyes, my nose. His eyes are a stormy jade, dark with passion. He kisses me again, and this time everything around us disappears – my father’s house, my destroyed life, my broken self. All that remains is Caden.

  Fingers tangle in clothing and zippers as we fall to the floor together. My palms are flat against the taut planes of Caden’s chest, and my breath is unsteady at the sheer beauty of him above me. His body is not bulky with muscle; instead, he’s sleekly toned, his stomach and sides hard against my wandering fingertips.

  He is kissing me again, and we stop only to pull my tunic over my head. A sudden shyness envelops me and I feel my face flush. No one has ever seen me this unclothed. No one. Not ever. My embarrassment must be obvious because Caden grins and grasps my chin.

  “You’re perfect, Riven,” he whispers.

  “No. I’m not,” I say, my thoughts burning, my hands fluttering to hide the scars peppering my ribcage and stomach. “But you make me feel that way.”

  His smile transforms his entire face and he bends toward me again, pushing away my embarrassed hands. His kisses grace my ear, and then my neck, and wander lower, kissing each raised welt, each ugly wound that I tried to hide with aching gentleness. My fingers thread their way into his hair and down his neck. Caden growls low in his chest as my hands slide down his shoulders and his muscled back, and lower still.

  We are combustible, electric.

  I’d never kissed anyone before Caden, far less gotten half-naked with anyone, but this feels more right than anything I’ve ever done. He’s the one who makes me feel less splintered, less shattered. I feel whole when I’m with him. That has to count for something, doesn’t it? I have to tell him the truth about how I feel.

  “Caden,” I begin.

  “Mmm,” he says, trailing more kisses up my arm. But before I can continue, the sound of a door slammin
g jerks me into action. I shove Caden to one side and press my fingers urgently against his lips, my eyes wide. Someone is outside.

  How could I have been so reckless?

  Shrugging my arms into the white overalls, I crawl along the floor to the thin window of glass against the far wall and slide up to the right of it. A quick glimpse confirms that there’s a vehicle outside. It’s black and sleek and official-looking.

  “We have to hide,” I mouth to Caden who has already dressed. His hair is tousled and his eyes are still glazed from what we’d shared seconds before. I’m sure I must look the same.

  “Where?” he mouths back.

  My father ripped the room apart in rage, but he still didn’t find the secret space that Shae and I painstakingly built. Half of me wants to leap toward it to get what I came for and make a run for it, but the other half warns that getting caught would be foolish. I glance at Caden. I can’t risk putting him in danger, not with my father.

  So instead, I jerk my head toward the twisted bottom bunk bed. “Under,” I say. “Now.”

  I slide in behind him until we are both jammed up against the wall. Every inch of Caden’s body is glued to every inch of mine, but there’s no fire between us now… only cold dread.

  “Don’t breathe,” I warn.

  Sounds reach us from the other room. A door clicking, a staccato of footsteps on the floor, voices. He’s not alone.

  “Sir,” a voice says. “Reports came in of trespassers in the back.”

  “Any confirmation of what they looked like?” My father’s voice is mellifluous and just as loathsome as the last time I’d heard it. My stomach curdles like spoiled milk and lurches unsteadily. A cold sweat pinpricks its way along my back.

  “No, sir. There’s no sign of them. And no sign of forced entry on the perimeter. It’s clear.”

  The footsteps draw closer, and I press myself even harder against Caden. I’m not even breathing by the time the door to the room slides open and a shiny pair of black boots come into view. His smell assaults me… still the same, a dark musky scent of spice.