Fish: A Memoir of a Boy in Man's Prison

by T. J. Parsell

  "Them pretty little dimples of yours."

  "I didn't know I had dimples," I said. I looked at myself in the shower room mirror.

  "Well don't be droppin' your face and hiding the cookie jar, little boy. I ain't gonna bite."

  "Thanks." I smiled, out of embarrassment, but I didn't want to encourage her. "I have to go," I said.

  "Well one of these days, honey, you're gonna have to shit or get off the dime."

  "You're mixing your metaphors," I said, remembering my fifth period English class.

  "Now don't be talkie' out the side of your neck, honey. You know Miss Thing don't be doin' no orgies."

  She made me laugh.

  Later that evening, while brushing my teeth before bed, I stared at myself in the mirror again. I wasn't sure what dimples were exactly, but I was pretty sure I didn't have them. My face was looking clearer. Big Cat's facials were working.

  Miss Pepper's feminine features and mannerisms didn't do it for me. Since I liked macho men, I could have sworn, I heard my cookies when they hit the floor when Chet's boy, Brett, returned from court. His blond hair, blue eyes, and rugged good looks of a high school varsity team quarterback completely dazzled me.

  19

  Taken by Surprise

  It's not like there was anything in particular I had done wrong, but I just came to associate parent/teacher conferences with punishment and pain. Most kids looked forward to it, because it meant a half=day off from school, but my parents usually came out of the meetings angry and ready to punish me.

  It was after one of these conferences that I learned I was being held back agrade. Because of my behavior, they said. I was still with my mom then, but now I was living with Dad and Sharon.

  It was Dad's turn to go that day. "Wait in the car," he said to me.

  Would I begrounded again? And for how long? Maybe he'd just hit me and leave it at that.

  When Dad returned to the car, he didn't say a word to me. I sat there silently, as we made the thirty-minute drive downtown. I didn't want to ask, in the hopes that by the time we got to wherever we were going, he would forget about whatever it was that was said.

  "Hungry?" he asked.

  "Not really." When we arrived at Hudson's Department Store, he took me inside and up the escalator to the old-fashioned soda fountain, where he ordered us each a Saunder's hot fudge cream puff.

  To this day, I have no idea what the teacher said. I never had the courage to ask.

  Peterson came by with the mail, but as usual didn't stop. It had been two weeks since I mailed my letter to Claudia. I was leaving for court at the end of the week and prayed that she'd respond before then. I was finally being sentenced for the Photo Mat.

  "The guys don't think you're coming back," Slide Step said.

  I had taken a plea bargain, so I was expecting to receive two and a half years, matching the time I was serving for the hotel.

  "You'll go through Quarantine again," he said. "And then probably to a camp."

  "I don't want to go to a camp," I said. "I want to cone back here." Slide Step had been making my time there as comfortable as possible. And other than having to have sex with him, I felt safe and I was enjoying his company. Considering what had happened when I first got here, it was the last place I wanted to be-but there was an emotional pull that was developing because I was getting the attention here that I wasn't getting at home.

  He frowned at me with sadness. "I don't think they'll give you a choice. You won't have enough time to serve to come back here."

  "I'm coming back," I said, stubbornly.

  Slide Step didn't look convinced. "Black and a few of the others asked me if they could have you before you go."

  "What does that mean?" I stared at him.

  Since I wasn't coming back, they thought Slide Step wouldn't mind if they pulled a gangbang on me before I left. "I told them to go fuck themselves," he said.

  "Thanks."

  Slide Step seemed as incensed about the situation as I was. I realized how lucky I was to have him as my man. Red would have let them do whatever they wanted.

  Slide Step not only protected me, but whatever I wanted, he got it for me. Yet the one thing I thought I had really wanted, I couldn't have.

  Brett was young and handsome and, much like the varsity team-he was untouchable and out of my league. Forget it. It was never going to happen. Neither Brett nor Chet seemed open to his being with anyone else, even if it were another boy.

  Since having sex was so common in there-I wanted to at least once have sex with someone I might enjoy. Not being able to have him was tearing me apart inside. I couldn't stop looking at him-my eyes devoured every detail about him. Brett seemed flawless. When he smiled, his teeth were perfectly straight. He was built like a gymnast with his lean and muscular body. Most men didn't allow their boys to lift weights, but Chet didn't care, so Brett spent his time on the yard toning his body. The tiny frays on his jeans mimicked his laid-back nature.

  My obsession became so obvious that it started to become a joke. Uh oh, looks like Timmy's lost his voice again.

  "If you keep that up," Taylor said. "We're gonna start callin' you Scarlet the way you're turning red all the time."

  Brett soon became aware of my interest, and I don't think he liked it. He acted as if he didn't care for the sexual stuff that went on there, not even among boys. He avoided being gang raped, by cutting a deal with Chet, but he never hid his contempt for it. He was serving a fifteen to thirty for sales and possession of drugs, so being locked up in solitary for that long wasn't much of an option.

  At least Chet had a small dick. Brett was lucky he wasn't with Red.

  Most of the time, Brett wouldn't even look at me, at least not when Chet was around. But then that gave me a glimmer of hope!

  One afternoon, while I was walking the yard looking for Brett, Josh said without even asking who I was looking for, "He's over in the school house." He pointed to the small white building on the northeast corner of the yard. I walked over and found him standing at the window on the second floor. He smiled and waved.

  I lit up with excitement, waving back, but then he glanced over my shoulder and mouthed something to someone behind me. I turned around and saw Chet coming up the walk. When I looked back-Brett was gone. I didn't know if he disappeared because of Chet, or if he was even waving at me in the first place.

  "Where's your man at?" Chet asked. He looked right through me as he walked past.

  "10 Building," I said.

  He was acting strange. Not his usual phony self-pretending to be friendly and nice. I hoped he didn't think I was trying to steal Brett. But why would he? It's not like I could. I ran to catch up to him, thinking I could reassure him. "So how's it going?"

  He looked over at me, but didn't respond.

  I learned to watch the eyes. To look at them and listen to what they told me. I was starting to hear what they had to say. Were they dangerous or lonely? Were they lying or just looking to get laid? The eyes would tell me.

  I had been avoiding Chet, ever since he set me up when I arrived. And when I couldn't avoid him, I gave him back what he showed me; a false front. I wanted to get with Brett, and because he was Brett's man, the only way two boys could do that was if both of their men agreed.

  "Listen Tim, I'm really busy," he said. "So how about doing me a favor, huh?"

  "Sure, Chet. What is it?"

  "Put an egg in your shoe and beat it."

  I hated Chet. I hated everything about him. He was as fake as his fucking teeth. They were cheap too-the kind that caused a slight whistle whenever he spoke. When he took them out at night, he looked more like his true nature: an ugly redneck with a sunken jaw.

  When I told Slide Step what happened, he said things between Chet and him had been heating up since Chet and Taylor seemed to be trying to pull a fast one on Slide Step. With his mom providing the supply, they worked for Slide Step. But now they had other plans in play that they were trying to hide from him. "
These motherfuckers must think I'm a sucker," Slide Step said. We were under his bed when he told me about it, but all I could think about was how any fallout would affect my chances with Brett.

  "I know how to handle it," he said. "They're not crossing me out. They'll have to leave this motherfucker first."

  Slide Step was upset as I'd ever seen him. But my not being able to get together with Brett made me as angry as Slide Step was for being doublecrossed.

  "Listen, I want you to stay clear of them, until Red and I take care of this thing."

  I looked at him and nodded. Did that mean Brett as well, but I didn't want to ask, leaving open the possibility of hooking up with Brett.

  "And Brett, too," he added.

  My face dropped.

  Slide Step looked at me and smiled. "You are so readable."

  "I am not!"

  "Like a bookie reads a racing form." Slide Step started to tickle me. "I got your number!"

  "You do not," I laughed.

  He drove his scruffy chin into my neck. "Oh, yes I do."

  I was amazed at how quickly he went from rage to playfulness, as if one didn't affect the other.

  "Quit it," I said, but I couldn't stop laughing.

  Would I ever be able to have sex with someone I wanted?

  The next day, I stepped away from a card game on the yard, and went to use the bathroom in the basement of 10 Building. It was next to an open area where they held AA meetings once a week. I was standing at the urinal when I heard the door open behind me.

  "Homeboy," Scatter said, smiling. "What are you doin' down here?"

  "Hey," I said, feeling a slight quiver in my voice. We were alone, and I was surprised to see him. Had he followed me?

  He smiled and stared as we both peed. "So what's happening?" He asked.

  "Nothin'," I said, looking straight ahead. I could see him, out of the corner of my eye, but I was afraid to turn my head.

  He twisted to see if the stall was empty, and I snuck a quick peek.

  Oh my God! I zipped up my fly without shaking and quickly moved for the door. I felt my underwear getting wet. "I've gotta go," I said.

  "Wait!" he whispered.

  I held the door open with my hand. The light from the stairwell illuminated the empty area between the bathroom and the outside door. There was no one around.

  "What?" I asked.

  He had a mischievous look on his face-as if he were about to do something wrong, and was gleeful about it.

  "C'mere," he said.

  Slide Step was tied up in the card game. It was his table that day, which meant he got a cut from every hand. Plus he was dealing and slipping the hole card to the bottom of the deck like he practiced the day before, which meant he was cheating. Though you couldn't tell. At least I couldn't, and I was watching carefully. He probably had the sucker's money piling up so high by now, that he wasn't paying attention to where I was. And Red and Manley were there too, covering his back.

  "What do you want to talk about?" I said. My throat felt dry.

  He slowly stepped back from the urinal. I looked down at him and swallowed. I couldn't believe how fast my heart was beating. A bead of sweat skittered down the side of my body. I was about to do something, that up until that moment; I had only been forced to do.

  I let go of the door.

  When we finished having sex, Scatter told me to go back first and he would wait. No one could see us coming out together or I'd be in big trouble. On my way up the stairs, I had to stop twice-to adjust my pants. I was still sporting the residue of my excitement and the boxer shorts didn't provide the same support as my old BVD come-fuck-me's. Since Scatter was straight, I would have to take care of myself later. I put my hand in the pocket and held onto my erection as I hustled passed the crowd that was standing around Slide Step's card game.

  Red stared at me with his usual glare. He nodded, as if to say somethingbut what? Slide Step and the others were preoccupied with the cards. I worried about what Red might guess.

  I went into 10 Building and up the stairs to take a shower. I couldn't stop thinking about Red. What if he saw Scatter follow me down into the basement of 10 Building? And no matter how long Scatter waited, Red would see him when he came back out. It would look even worse, and Red would surely tell Slide Step.

  I turned on the showers and stepped under the hot water. What would Slide Step do if he found out? I was leaving for court in two days, so maybe it would blow over by then. As I soaped up, my thoughts drifted back to Scatter. I couldn't believe that we got together. Scatter was fucking amazing. I had given him a blowjob, and yes, I was definitely gay.

  I was alone in the shower, so I finished myself off and couldn't stop smiling.

  I went back to my room in time for the 4:30 count. I fell asleep, thinking about how much fun I had had. It was as if I'd been asleep my whole life and now I was suddenly awake. Alive and awake and in this place-for the moment at least, everything felt soft and kind and warm and delicious.

  After count, Slide Step pounded on my door and startled me awake.

  "What are you doing?"

  "Nothing," I said. "Taking a nap."

  "Are you all right?" He frowned.

  "Yeah, I'm fine."

  "C'mon. It's chow time."

  I put on my shoes and scrambled to catch up with him. He was walking with his head down, and he didn't look happy. My heart was pounding. Finally he spoke.

  "What'd you do?" he asked.

  "Huh?"

  "This afternoon?"

  I looked at him. His was looking down as he walked, but was listening.

  "Nothing."

  He didn't respond.

  "How'd you do," I asked. "At the card game?"

  "Not well. I lost."

  He placed his hand on my back and led me through the door.

  When we entered the chow hall, I grabbed two trays and handed him one. Scatter was sitting down already, laughing and talking with others at his table. He didn't look up. Red was sitting in the far corner, talking with Chet and Taylor.

  "Listen," Slide Step said. "I want you to stay close to me tonight." He was staring at Red, who gave Slide Step a nod.

  The food was liver and beets and banana cream pie for dessert. The cook's idea of pie was whipped cream and pudding on a layer of half-cooked dough.

  "Looks like another night for a cook-up," Slide Step said. "C'mon, we'll get Manley to put it together."

  The cook-up was canned roast beef and chili, with Cheez Whiz heated on the hot plate and spread onto whole-wheat bread. It was delicious with mustard and chips on the side, but we were out of chips. "Get them from Steppenwolf," Slide Step told Manley.

  The inmate store was open only during certain hours, but there was always one or two cons who ran an inmate store. The mark-up was 30 to 50 percent, but if you needed credit-it was two for one. "Hey, if you don't like my price," the convict running the store would say, "then you can wait for draw day." Inmates could withdraw money from their inmate accounts twice a month-on the 1st and the 15th of each month-and they were limited to thirty dollars. Other money could come from inmate visits, where visitors could bring you an additional fifteen dollars a visit.

  Manley came back with the chips, and told us that Bottoms was blowing a bunch of guys in the bathroom again. "Got caught cheating on his man," he said. Black was teaching him a lesson, by making him blow several guys in a row. I looked at Slide Step, who was on the other side of the room. He was staring at me. Suddenly, I wasn't hungry.

  As pure fantasy, the idea of having to do a bunch of guys might seem like fun to some-but in reality-the guys in there were mostly creeps. And some of them didn't even shower every day.

  Slide Step nodded at me to take the chair next to him, in front of the TV. I went over and sat down. "You all right?" he asked. "You seem kind of funny."

  I said that I was OK.

  A black inmate, I didn't know, stood in the doorway to the dayroom and nodded to Slide Step. He nodded back.
They weren't saying hello.

  "What was that?" I asked.

  "Don't worry about it," he said, his eyes were fixed on the TV, "it's nothing."

  I took a bite of my sandwich, but I didn't want another bite.

  Red, Chet, and Taylor walked through the day room and headed out to the back porch. Red looked at Slide Step and nodded. It was the same kind of exchange as the guy who had stood at the door.

  Slide Step looked down at my plate. "You're not hungry?"

  I shook my head.

  "Scatter," he shouted toward the pool room.

  "Yo!" Scatter yelled back.

  "You want my boy's spread?"

  Scatter came out smiling, holding a stick. "Cool! Good looking out."

  "I'm not feeling well," I said.

  "You don't look good," Slide Step said. "Why don't you go lay down for a while?"

  "OK." I got up and went down to my cell.

  I never was very good at getting away with anything.

  I went down to my room, but it was too early to sleep. My head was swirling with questions. Did Slide Step know, and how did he find out? Did Red say something? Or what about Scatter? He promised he wouldn't say a word, but what if Slide Step asked him directly? And how could I trust him, anyway, since he'd already got what he wanted?

  I thought about Bottoms being punished for cheating. Old Iron jaws, someone called him, because you'd need iron jaws to do that many guys. I would kill myself before I let someone make me do that, yet somehow I don't think Bottoms minded it. On draw days, I had seen guys lined up in the hallway, as Bottoms did what he seemed to like to do and was getting paid for it all at the same time. I remembered him coming out of the bathroom smiling, with his pockets jingling with tokens. Except that when he was done, he had to give the money to Black.