by Mia Ford
With that, not caring anymore if he believed me, I turned and returned to my office. Halfway there, I realized that I needed to go home and wait for Collin.
When I got home, I decided to make a nice meal for us. I wasn’t sure when Collin planned to be coming home, or even if he was coming home, but I wanted to be ready to have a serious conversation when he arrived.
However, as I was walking through the door, I received the text from him. Not wanting to waste another moment, I called his number and prayed that at least, he would give me the courtesy of picking up.
When he did, I was thrilled to learn that he was on his way home and so, instead of working on dinner, for the moment, I started to tidy up the house.
I wasn’t completely giving in to the whole Susy Homemaker shtick, but I did want to make all the effort I could to show him from the start, that whatever it was, I would be willing to work through it with him.
After all, I was convinced by now, that whatever was the issue, it would be easier to get it out in the open, then continue to run from it like we’d been doing. I needed to know what it was that had made him so angry. If I didn’t find out soon, I was certain it would drive me crazy.
When Collin arrived home, there was a spark of a connection that I realized hadn’t been present in a long time. Instead of going through the motions, we both allowed one another to feel what we were doing. We were both happy to see one another and excited to be home, able to enjoy the company of one another.
When Collin kissed me, it felt as though it was ages since his kiss was as passionate and sincere as it was in this moment.
The hint of desperation I sensed made me nervous, however, and I wanted to focus on making ourselves better, instead of drawing a wedge deeper between us. I had no intention of going anywhere and I wanted Colling to be sure of that.
“Hi sweetie,” I said cautiously, when we broke away from the kiss, “Do you want to talk now, or…”
“No,” he shook his head, while holding me gingerly in his arms. “We don’t need to talk right now. I just want to enjoy the time we are spending together.”
I grinned and lead him over to the kitchen.
“Remember when we used to cook together?”
“When we were first dating? Of course, I do! That was so much fun,” he replied as he grabbed a knife and started to chop some onions, while I fished around for an appropriate frying pan.
Throughout the preparation of the meal, Collin and I talked, laughed, and played around with one another. During that span of time, it became obvious to me how much I had missed this. It reminded me of a simpler time when, despite the homework and college drama, it was still all about the two of us.
While I worked my ass off at school, there was nothing other than school and one another. There were no bills that needed to be paid, no worries about houses, or babies. We were just concerned with meeting college deadlines and being able to hang out between studying and going to class.
I had to admit, it was a time that this particular night, I really missed.
Of course, I wanted my career and I wasn’t going to give up the money we made, but I also wanted more moments like this.
For the first time, in what seemed like forever, both Collin and I were together, and we were able to relax. We were able to be ourselves and we didn’t worry about anything, other than spending time with one another, and making sure the dinner didn’t burn, since we were getting hungry.
However, the more I thought about it, trying to come up with a solution, the more I feared that no matter what I did, I would never be able to accomplish everything I wanted.
Thoughts of this nature lead me to start genuinely evaluating my life. I thought about all the issues Collin and I had of late and I couldn’t help but think that the looming discussion. While, presently, I didn’t want to darken the evening with something so serious, but I also hoped that the conversation wouldn’t get swept aside, simply because we were having such a wonderful night together.
Chapter 24: Collin
I always enjoyed spending time with Flora, but tonight, I was ecstatic. We were having an amazing time and for the first time in what seemed like years, we were able to talk about everything and anything, but work.
Lately, that seemed to be the only subject we knew how to discuss with one another, but now that we had finally let our guard down, it felt natural and easy to talk to Flora; like it always was, until something happened and that was no longer the case.
I had no idea what happened or why it ended up being that way, but at some point, the only conversation we seemed to have was about our ambitions and complaints about our jobs.
Yet, on this particular night, we were able to set all of that menial crap aside and finally, focus on one another.
However, after dessert, I knew that there was no way I could put off talking about my concerns, or it would eat me alive.
I wanted to have this time with Flora, so that if all else fails, at least I had one last wonderful memory with her. I wasn’t sure how it was going to go but in case it went poorly, I didn’t want to spoil an opportunity to do something I understood I should’ve done a long time ago.
Although, as if she could read my thoughts, with a swift turn of the tension between us, I watched Flora poke at what was left of her dessert, with her eyes downcast, as though she had fallen into serious thought.
“Okay, Collin, I guess it’s time,” she took a deep breath and her eyes raised toward my gaze, confidently, as though there was nothing in the world she was trying to hide from me. “What would you like to talk about?” Flora’s eyes stared at me intently, but it didn’t take me long to realize that there was no accusation. She seemed as though she was simply curious and, like myself, wanting to get this over with.
I drew in a deep breath, feeling kind of like an asshole for even going here, but I needed to know. So, once I let the breath go, slowly, I asked her, in the calmest voice I could possibly muster, “Flora, are you, or have you ever seen anyone else while we were together?”
“No,” she answered immediately, her eyes narrowing as the true essence of what I was asking her came to fruition in her mind. When it did, her gaze locked on mine and when she spoke again, her voice was solid, but angry, “No, Collin,” she insisted, with a heaviness to her voice that made me feel both relieved and ashamed, all in the same moment. “I love you. I would do anything that I could for you. In fact, I have to consistently fight for you and defend you, every time I talk to my parents.”
“I love you too,” I stammered, now feeling ridiculous for having any suspicions at all, “I just don’t want to lose you…”
“Well, if you don’t want to lose me, why would you say something like that?” She insisted.
“I’m sorry. I just had to know,” I answered. The contriteness in my voice was undeniable. I lowered my gaze, ashamed of what I had even thought about her.
Now, in my mind, it all seemed silly. I should’ve never let those thoughts sink into my head.
“Why would you even think…What did I do to make you distrust me so much, that you think I would betray you like that?”
“It was just…You seem unhappy, with me, or something, and you didn’t want to have sex. Then, you’ve been staying out extremely late…”
“Collin, I was working. Do you need to see the report I worked on until midnight the other night? I mean, you’ve not come home from the office on occasion and not once did I think you were out fucking someone,” she hissed, and I knew I was in trouble.
“Well, then you were acting so weird…With all the taking control and the morning sex…”
“Yes, let’s talk about that,” she insisted, “Is that you freaked out? Because you thought, what? I was getting my moves somewhere other than home? No, Collin. I just looked at you, sleeping on the couch, and I thought you looked so sexy, that I wanted you and I wanted to show you, just how much I wanted you. I wanted to do something nice for you and you treated me like some tw
o-dollar whore.”
“I didn’t mean to do that, Flora. I appreciate what you were trying to do, but considering what I thought was going on…”
“Yeah, considering you thought I was, what? Guilty? Trying to cover up what I was doing by trying to fuck you into placation, so you wouldn’t notice?”
I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out but a deflated, defeated, “Yeah…”
When she said it, especially, it didn’t sound right. I sounded like a class-A dick.
Everything that I was so sure of before now seemed to be completely unfounded and ridiculous.
However, in a way, I was still glad I asked. I knew she loved me and now that I was certain she wasn’t cheating, I felt like we could get through anything.
Although, as the conversation wore on, and the meaning of exactly what I had asked her continued to saturate her consciousness, instead of helping to dispel any issues with Flora, she simply seemed to become angrier and sadder.
“Look, Flora…I am so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant…I believe you,” I answered, feeling as though my words were useless.
“Well, that’s great! I’m so glad you feel better,” she hissed.
“I’m sorry, Flora. I made a mistake.”
“Yes, you did, and you hurt me.” Flora answered, this time with her voice reaching extremely low and dangerously even.
“You know, I never meant to hurt you, Sweetie. I love you.”
“I love you too,” she replied, but it sounded more like an accusation than a statement, much less a supposed profession of love. “You know what? I didn’t tell you this, because I didn’t want to hurt you, but now, I’m going to explain what I have to go through, all the time, when it comes to you and my parents.”
“Oh, that’s nice. You’re going to hurt me now that I’ve upset you?” I spat, feeling slightly indignant, while my attempts to make amends continued to be ignored.
“No, I’m not that petty and you know it. I’m not trying to hurt you, either, Collin, but I think it’s important for you to understand, since you’ve apparently been questioning my loyalty to you.”
“Flora…” I insisted, “I’m sorry.”
“You remember when I went down to my parents’ house a few months back? Remember I cut my trip short?”
“Yeah? I thought you said you needed to work,” I replied, remembering that I was happy she was back, but didn’t think too much about it.
This had all happened before my apparent stupidity took hold.
“Yeah, that’s the reason that I told you, because I didn’t want to go into it. In fact, I didn’t believe it had actually happened until just recently. That’s how shocked I was that my parents would stoop so low.”
“Flora,” I asked, stepping toward her with concern, “What did they do?”
“They tried to set me up with someone else,” she replied, and continued to tell me the whole story of the poor, unsuspecting blind date and her malicious parents.
Throughout the admission, I felt a mix of anger, hurt, and sorrow, which was all compounded by Flora ending the story with, “So, if I was going to cheat, if my oats weren’t significantly sowed, or if I wanted to do right by my parents, apparently, I sure as hell wouldn’t be standing here right now. I would be in my home town, being treated like the prodigal daughter my parents wish I would wake up one day to be.”
When she was finished, I couldn’t find the right words at first, feeling extremely bad for the way I had treated her, as well as the disrespect her parents had shown her.
Even though she wasn’t particularly close to her parents, I knew going through that couldn’t have been easy. After all, for as much as my father and I fight, and for as much of an asshole as he is, I would love to make him proud. It was a pipe dream that I knew would never come true, though I assumed the feeling was likely the same for Flora.
Every child wants their parents to be proud of them. Regardless of the relationship, or the craziness they put them through.
I pursed my lips and shook my head, looking down at the floor.
For a long, grueling moment, I tried to wait for her to say something more. However, after a while, I realized she was waiting for my reaction.
“I’m sorry,” I offered, finally looking up at her. “I didn’t know it was that bad.”
“Yeah, neither did I. But, you know what? When I came home, I was happy to be here; a place where I was trusted and wanted; appreciated for my accomplishments, by a husband who loved me and respected me.”
“Flora,” I answered, narrowing my eyes at her as I started to understand exactly what she was trying to say, in a sneaky, sarcastic manner, “You know I love you and I respect you. We’ve been together ten years. I think I know you better than anyone.”
“Yeah, you’d think,” she hissed, “And yet, here I am, defending myself against you, of all people.” Taking a step toward me, she reached out to touch my face. Although I wanted to react, to take her in my arms, kiss her, and make sure that she knew I was just caught up in my own mind, I knew that responding wouldn’t be a good idea. I could tell by the sound of her voice that she had more to say than what she had presently said. I truly believed that saying anything at this point would only be contributing to my ultimate failure.
Therefore, I was certain that it was better to allow her to gather her thoughts, so that she could speak again when she was ready.
Yet, eventually, she scoffed at me.
“You know, I’m disappointed that you would think so lowly of me and I am disgusted that you would think so much about it, that you didn’t even bother to ask what was wrong with me. Why this whole thing started in the first place? You were so wrapped up in making sure that your image was maintained, that you still had your wife at your beck and call, that you didn’t even stop to consider that maybe, there was something else going on?”
“Well, is there? Are you really that unhappy with me?”
After gaping at me with wide eyes for a long, intense, dangerously silent instance, she shook her head.
“Wow…Okay,” she laughed humorously, “I’m done.” She replied, before pivoting herself around and stomping toward the bedroom.
“Flora!” I called after her, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. Please, come back. I want to talk to you.”
“Oh, I think we have both said enough,” she insisted, continuing forward, without turning back.
“Listen to me, Flora! Please!” I begged, grabbing ahold of her arm and lightly turning her to face me. “I believe you. There is no doubt in my mind that you are faithful to me. Once I said it, I knew how stupid it sounded. I’m so sorry, but it was driving me crazy.”
I peered deep into her eyes, desperate to get some hint of approval from her; some kind of answer as to whether she at least forgave me, or was trying to, but she didn’t say anything. She simply stared back at me with a strange look on her face. I could tell Flora was listening to me, but her silence only made me feel more predominately uncomfortable.
“Okay,” she replied finally. Yet, admittedly, that wasn’t the answer I was looking for.
“Okay…” I replied, trying to grin and hopefully work my way towards amends, but having nothing more than one word to go with wasn’t exactly encouraging me. “So, is there anything you want to say? Anything, perhaps that you would like to tell me. I went first and maybe I should’ve let you go first. In hindsight, that probably would’ve solved a lot of issues, but I was stupid. I was wrong. I’m sorry.”
Still, even with me telling her, truthfully, everything that I hated to say, she continued to simply stare at me. Her expression was sad, as though she wanted to feel something more, or something other than what she was currently feeling. However, she couldn’t bring herself to do it.
This bothered me, it angered me.
“Come on, Flora,” I finally exclaimed, “Haven’t you ever made a mistake before?”
“Of course, I have,” she replied, before turning
around and walking the rest of the way into the bedroom.
Again, I followed her around as she readied herself for bed.
“What can I do? What can I say? I don’t know how to make this any better,” I finally admitted.
“Just, give me some time,” she replied softly as she slid between the sheets.
“Okay,” I replied, “How much time and what do you mean, exactly? Do you want me to go stay somewhere else, or sleep on the couch?”
Confused at why I would ask her that, she turned her head to the side, “No! The last thing I want you to do is leave. I want you here, with me. I’m not angry. We’re not fighting. I just, need to get over this. It hurt me, and I need some time.”
“Can I come to bed with you?” I asked, inching toward my side of the mattress.
“Of course, you can,” she answered, rolling away from me and settling in for the night.
“Goodnight, Collin,” she whispered, “I love you.”
“Goodnight, Flora,” I answered, getting into bed, though I wasn’t the least bit tired. “I love you too.”
Chapter 25: Flora
The night before was difficult. Although, strangely enough, I slept well. I woke up early and headed over to Riley’s house. Her morning routine was hectic, but it wasn’t any worse than the office morning craziness, so that’s how I thought of it, to keep from going completely insane.
I needed to talk, and I hadn’t been able to explain all that had happened in the past few days. I needed advice, and a more objective ear.
So, as per our normal conversations, Riley chased her kids around the house, changing diapers and getting them out of pajamas, into regular clothing, while I explained the events of the past two days.
“Well, I can see why you’re upset,” Riley insisted, “And, in my opinion, you have a right to be.”
“My trust in him, in us, is completely shattered, Riley! What am I going to do? He’s my husband and I love him, but I don’t like him right now.”
