by A. Nybo
“You only met him today?”
“Yeah. Why?”
“I thought you’d known him for a while.”
Luke was easygoing and seemed to get along with anyone. It was one of the things I initially liked about him, but now it was to my detriment. And then it hit me. I was jealous. I disliked Jerry because I was convinced he and Luke shared a depth of relationship that I didn’t share with him.
What the fuck was going on with me?
Less than a year ago I was in a relationship with a woman who rightly accused me of being emotionally unavailable—and that was because I wanted to be in a relationship with my best friend, a guy whom I had secretly desired for years. And now I was jealous of a bloke who had the attention of my male surfing instructor and friend.
It was official: I wasn’t merely lusting. Now I was emotionally coveting two guys. What the actual hell?
WHAT LUKE did and said during lessons became a source of entertainment for Josh and I. We laughed about my man-watching skills and Luke’s reaction to a few of the childish things I’d said, like when I purposely miscalled the three-fin surfboard a thrust instead of thruster, and asked Luke if my “thrust” was as good as his. Once again I called upon my vagueness when I reported Luke’s reaction because I was beginning to feel he did swing Josh’s way.
That’s why I was so horrified to discover my reporting skills had piqued Josh’s interest. He made a point of stopping in at Chino’s the next morning to get coffee so he could judge for himself. Of course, I didn’t know that until I arrived at my lesson that afternoon to find Luke all smiles. “Hey, Josh came into Chino’s this morning.”
My heart skittered in fear and my breath caught in my throat, but I played it cool. “Did he?”
“Yep. We’re on dawn patrol on Saturday. You in?”
No. This could not be happening. Josh and Luke couldn’t hit it off! “Dawn patrol?”
“Going surfing at the arsecrack of dawn. If you want to come we could always do Three Bears.”
I had no idea what the hell he was talking about. “Will there be porridge?”
Luke’s laugh skittered up my spine. “Three Bears is a beach that has three breaks; a Papa, a Mama, and a Baby. You could ride Baby Bear while we surf the others.”
“I see. So you’re going to take on Papa are you?”
The way he studied me made me realize the implications of what I’d said. His customary grin was replaced with a smile that caused a flutter low in my gut. “Yeah. I might give it a go.”
The rest of the lesson went badly. Luke held my mind prisoner as I replayed every touch, every smile, he had offered me. Something intangible was occurring between us, but I couldn’t say what.
Luke lit something within me and it was smoldering with the threat of catching fire at any moment. Even getting dumped by the waves a few times hadn’t managed to put it out. In fact, I think the smoldering might have been the distraction that caused me to be dumped.
By the end I wasn’t sure if I was making things up or whether those smiles were infused with a deeper meaning. Regardless, my excitement was going off the Richter scale, and it was so intense, I couldn’t tell whether it was emotional, physical, or both.
The remainder of the week was like some weird fantasy I’d concocted. Each afternoon I would meet up with Luke and then go home to Josh. I even had a dream where the three of us went off to this concert together in the back of an old ’50s pickup. The musicians at the concert ended up coming back to our farmhouse, and an orgy ensued. I ended up in bed with Luke, and when Josh saw us, he came and slid in beside us.
God, if life were that easy. In my dream there were no morning-after regrets. There hadn’t even been a morning after. So there were no problems of any kind the next day—no guilt or recriminations about messing with others’ emotions because I was sexually confused, no loss of a decade-long friendship. Nothing. Of course life wasn’t that easy, and reality had me dreading Saturday’s dawn patrol. What if Josh and Luke hit it off so well that I became the third wheel? It would destroy me.
Come Saturday, we strapped the boards to the roof, picked up Luke, and I willingly took the back seat in Josh’s four-wheel drive. It was too early in the morning. It was still dark, for chrissakes. I sipped coffee from my travel mug while I listened to Josh and Luke discuss the morning’s conditions and how long the offshore wind was likely to hang around. I assumed words would start to form in my brain with the coming of light.
Luckily I had finished my coffee by the time we reached the dirt track to Three Bears or I would have ended bathed in it. The track was so bumpy I was sure I’d been pummeled in a dryer. By the time we reached the car park, it was becoming light so at least I could make out the surf below. Excitement, anxiety, and fear all niggled at me. I enjoyed surfing, but it had crossed my mind that dawn might be feeding time for great whites.
After Josh and Luke had laughed at me trying to wriggle and wrestle my way into the wetsuit Luke had loaned me, they came with me to Baby Bear. They both gave me pointers while keeping an eye on the other break, issuing a loud woo-hoo when a spectacular wave came through at Mama Bear. Luke and Josh had a friendly argument about whether Papa would be firing, but it was a moot point as neither of them were prepared to go out there to find out.
Once I began identifying good sets, they trotted off down the beach together toward Mama Bear. Watching them go caused my chest to tighten. Whether it was being left alone as shark bait, left out of the group, or just left behind by Luke and Josh, I couldn’t say. What I did know was I wished I had an excuse to go with them. However I wasn’t so clingy that I was prepared to kill myself on a bigger wave in order to be with them.
When my arms were leaden from paddling, I caught a wave in and wandered up the beach to the car where I changed out of the wetsuit into board shorts and a T-shirt. I grabbed some water and sat watching Josh and Luke in the lineup with five others at Mama Bear.
One of them must have seen me, because it wasn’t long before the two of them were walking up the beach toward the parking lot. As they walked toward the four-wheel drive, Luke smiled. “How did you go?”
I joined them at the car as they both put their boards down and set about peeling the tops of their wetsuits down. “Yeah, good, although I had to come in because my arms felt like they were filled with cement. And the wetsuit was rubbing my underarm.”
With the top of his wetsuit flapping around his hips, Luke put his board cover on. “A rash vest will sort the rub, but you need to build up paddle muscle.”
“Paddle muscle?” I laughed. “You make me sound like a turtle.” I looked over to see Josh’s reaction, but he was engrossed in drying the excess water from the only piece of clothing he still wore—his jocks. He was stunning standing in the early morning sunshine, water dripping from the ends of his hair to run over the goose bumps that had formed in the gentle breeze. He set his foot on the running board of the four-wheel drive, and his muscles flexed as he ran the towel over his raised leg. His nipples were contracted and hardened by the cold, and whether it was the thought of one of them being warmed by my tongue or in sympathy to the cold, a shudder went through me.
He began to lift his head, and I shot my gaze back to Luke, whose eyes flicked away from me. Jesus. He’d just busted me eyeing-off Josh, and the speed with which he looked away suggested he was clearly embarrassed for me. Then things got worse.
He turned away from me and began taking his wetsuit off. Since he’d already taken the top down, it only took seconds before I discovered the bastard was going commando. I glanced at Josh whose preoccupation with his own wardrobe apparently gave me license to stare at Luke.
I drank in the slim, naked hips with their tan lines depicting invisible board shorts, and strong, lean thighs that punched muscle as he stood on one foot to take one leg out of the wetsuit and then the other. Feeling my body reacting to what I was seeing, I quickly looked away and tried to think of what we might need at the shops: Vegemite, chic
ken thighs. No. Not thighs. My eyes landed on Josh, who was looking at me with a quizzical expression.
Gotta be fucking kidding me. I quickly looked away but not before I glimpsed his gaze traveling down to my crotch. Fuck!
I busied myself with putting the boards on the roof of the four-wheel drive, and at the first opportunity, I checked to see if my burgeoning hard-on could have been visible to Josh. My heart was pounding so loud I could hear it in my ears. Yes, it was possible he could have seen it. But was it probable?
I had to settle down or I would be a nervous wreck by the time we got home. I was probably imagining it all. Were they really that perceptive, or was I playing into the hands of my guilt? As I leaned across to wrap the bungee cord around the bar of the roof rack, I glanced at Josh, who was wrapping his dripping wetsuit in the towel. A quick glance at Luke, and he too was focused on what he was doing. Yeah, I must have been imagining it.
“Do you guys want to grab some breakfast at Chino’s?” asked Luke just as we were reaching the outskirts of town.
The question threw me into chaos. Constantly being on my guard was stressful, and I didn’t know how long I could keep it up without outing how I felt. But I was hungry. A war of hungers began tearing at me—sex or food, food or sex. I was starving for both.
“Yep,” said Josh. “I’m in.”
I pretended not to have heard, which carried some merit since I was in the back. Either they would ask me or simply assume I wanted to have breakfast with them. As I already knew Josh was going, my answer was made so much easier.
I don’t know why I had to make everything so bloody hard. I was conflicted over everything. Well, at least everything Josh and Luke related. I wanted to be with them because they made me feel good, but I didn’t want to be with them in case I became the third wheel. But I also wanted to be with them so it was less likely I would become the third wheel. Meh, it would be so much easier if I’d just let things happen instead of trying to have some influence. I blame my schooling for teaching me about free will and determinism.
While I wrestled with the big philosophical questions, I was carted off to breakfast unasked, which was for the best as my brain had given up functioning properly—if it ever had. By the time we reached Chino’s car park, I had convinced myself the only coffee worth drinking during an existential crisis was a double-shot espresso. The coffee tremors from it could potentially be powerful enough to take the edge off my Josh-and-Luke angst, or at least hide it.
Josh parked the car, and although my mind was jumping around like an octopus juggling sharp objects, my head was still resting against the back seat when the others got out. I had this vision of my skull doing 360s as it tried to keep up with my mind.
“C’mon, Dan.” Josh thumped the back door. I think he was intending to scare me awake, totally oblivious that my weary facade was hiding a mess of insecurities that were currently threatening to escape the carefully hedged fence I had built around them. Perhaps if I stayed in the car, the nerves that were firing with intermittent and powerful force would settle.
When I still hadn’t moved, he opened the door. I rolled my head to look at him. “I can’t. I need a double-shot espresso.” Truth was that if an espresso was added to the roiling in my stomach, I would probably throw it up, but a double-shot? Images of Mt. Vesuvius erupting flittered through my brain.
“Food equals energy.”
When I still didn’t move, he reached in and grabbed my arm. I reluctantly got out of the car and ended up standing right in front of him. Our eyes met, and something passed between us, the sheer intensity causing us both to look elsewhere and quickly step away from each other.
Silently, we fell in on either side of Luke, using him as a barrier between us. And clearly he was an electrified barrier—his energy made my skin prickle as if it were sending out little antennas trying to touch him. I had no idea how I was going to survive breakfast with skin that wanted to touch Luke and eyes that wanted to drown in Josh.
There were tables with chairs for either two or four people, and my brain went into a flap. I hurried to sit first as there was no way I wanted to be left choosing who to park myself beside.
Before either of them could sit down I snatched up a menu and buried my face in it. Anyone could have been forgiven for thinking I was going to be tested on it later, but I needed time to center myself and come to grips with senses that threatened to overrun me.
Thankfully Josh sat beside me, and Luke sat on the other side of the table so I could avoid Josh’s eye and Luke’s touch.
“If you decide what you want, I’ll run the order up to Nat,” Luke suggested as he pointed toward the girl behind the counter with her dreadlocks tied in a ponytail. I didn’t need to feign my inability to make a decision on what to order, considering I had no idea what was on the menu despite my intense scrutiny.
When it became obvious Luke was waiting for me to make a decision, I did the visual equivalent of closing my eyes and pointing. I stabbed the page with my eyes and began reading aloud before I could change my mind. Apparently I was having beans on toast for breakfast. How exotic.
While Luke went off to order, I tried to figure out what had happened this morning that had thrown me so badly, and the only conclusion I could reach was having been caught leering at the two men I had been fantasizing about. I was certain my moment with Josh as we got out of the car to come to the café happened because he’d seen my reaction to Luke at the Three Bears car park.
“Dan….” Josh’s voice made me jump. “Are you okay?”
I could feel my face heating up. “Sure.” I had already planned an exit strategy for my gaze before I met his. “Why wouldn’t I be?” I was looking away before I even registered the concern in his expression.
“You’ve been really quiet this morning, and your face is as red as anything.”
“I’m probably sunburnt. I forgot sunscreen. Leaving to go surfing when it’s still dark doesn’t really bring the reminder that the sun’s going to burn the crap out of you in the next few hours.” I was proud of the rational excuse I had come up with. Thinking on the run wasn’t really a talent I possessed. I had to mull everything over until it was dead and decaying before I could possibly make a decision.
His eyes were blazing into me, and if we weren’t in a public place, I probably would have done something to make him turn away, like pick my nose or teeth. Finally he shifted his gaze, and it wasn’t long before I learned to where. Josh lowered his voice and leaned toward me. “He’s a spunky bastard isn’t he?”
“Yeah.” I poured my attention into the menu. I wished my eyes had stabbed the omelet instead of the beans.
“You don’t even know who I’m talking about.”
“Sure I do. You speak of our illustrious companion,” I said without moving my attention from the printed page.
“Hm.” Somehow he managed to make that single utterance sound like he’d made some judgment about me rather than agreement that Luke was handsome. The way he leaned back and rested his outstretched arm over the corner of the back of my chair only seemed to compound the notion. Once again I could feel his eyes on me, and my inner turmoil became irritation.
I turned to look at him. His straight black eyebrows rose. “What?” I demanded.
He was the picture of innocence. “What, what?”
I was so raw and frazzled that if I let myself play this game, I could end up blurting something out. Not ideal in a rural café. I shook my head and turned back to the menu.
Luke returned carrying a tray with three cups on it. He set one down in front of each of us, and we thanked him. I couldn’t see the coffee in my cup, so I leaned forward to peer in. The cup was half full with tar-black coffee. “What’s this?” I asked.
“A double-shot espresso. It doesn’t fit in the espresso cups, and I guess so few people ask for it that they don’t think it’s worth buying a cup the exact size to take a double-shot.”
What could I say? That it’d been a joke
to cover confusion that was threatening to burst from me at any moment? Or perhaps I should tell him I was trying to cover my indecision about sleeping with a guy in case I’ve simply talked myself into thinking that’s what I want?
“Oh, okay. Thanks.” I nearly laughed. Jesus, by the time I drank it I would be climbing the walls. There would be no playing tired for me.
“Hey,” Luke began. “Did ya see that guy in the yellow boardies go over the falls on that monster set that came through?”
Josh grimaced. I loved the way the muscles at the back of his jaw made it sharper than usual when he clenched it. “God, yeah. I was waiting to make sure he surfaced.”
As they deconstructed the morning’s surf, I sipped at my double-shot. Still holding onto the cup handle, I rested it on the table and watched Luke speak with animation. Just like his corkscrew curls, his scraggly brown facial hair was sun-bleached to the point where the soul patch part was no longer even pretending to be brown. It had given up the battle and had just turned platinum. I lifted my cup and discovered it was empty. I didn’t remember drinking the coffee, and my stomach didn’t feel like Mt. Vesuvius at all.
Breakfast was soon delivered, and I was enjoying my first mouthful of beans when Nat asked us if we wanted another round of coffee. We all answered yes, and it was only when mine arrived did I realize she had given me another double-shot espresso. Oh God.
Chapter 4
LUKE
DAMNED IF I could figure out what was going on here. Both Dan and Josh were sending a lot of mixed signals. Sexual energy was pouring from Dan like sweat in the tropics, but he hadn’t made a move or responded to any moves I had made over the past week or two. I couldn’t figure out whether he was closeted, confused, or just unwittingly casting that energy in every direction. On occasion I came across people that rampantly cast sexual energy like that, and while I didn’t really mind them, I noticed it tended to freak others out—unless they were in the market for sex.
