Finding Carson Lee (Oh Captan, My Captain #3)

by Lindsay Paige

  The intercom calls for our flight. I shut down my tablet and put it in my purse. My phone lights up, and I see Carson’s face, sticking his tongue out at me. It’s the goofiest picture of him, but it makes me smile every time.

  “Hey, Carson. I’m about to board. Are you wishing me good luck?”

  “No, sweetheart, I’m not. I…it’s Gracie, Kinley.” My heart stops. “Darcie just called me.”

  “Oh my God.” My mouth is dry. “Where is she? At the hospital? I can meet you there.” I stand up grabbing my purse. Cassie’s face is confused.

  “Yeah, I’m already on my way. Kinley, you’re about to leave for your trip. You don’t have to.”

  “No, Carson Lee!” I shout at him. “I want to be with you right now. I don’t give a shit about anything else. I’m grabbing a cab and I’ll meet you there.”

  I hang up the phone, looking at Cassie. “I have to go to Carson.”

  And I run.

  Chapter Forty

  Carson

  My heart is already in shreds. It’s slamming around, beating erratically, and hoping like hell that Darcie is wrong somehow. She called me, sniffing as she tried to hold in her tears and said that Gracie was asking for me. Gracie hasn’t been doing well lately, but today is worse than all the other days. All I can think is, Not my sweet Gracie.

  I know Kinley is on her way, but I don’t think I can wait for her. The elevator takes an extremely long time to make its way to her floor. Darcie is laying in the bed with Gracie, who is wearing her Blacksmiths head scarf and the jersey I gave her. The sight of them both nearly brings me to tears.

  “Gracie, baby, look who’s here,” Darcie says as I make my way to the other side of the bed.

  Gracie peers at me through her barely opened eyes. Her lips lift in smile underneath her oxygen mask. I lean down to kiss her forehead. “Hey, Gracie. How’s my girlfriend doing?” The words feel forced, but she doesn’t notice.

  “Don’t feel good,” she whispers.

  “You don’t?” I take her hand, noticing that she doesn’t grip it back like usual. The beeping on the monitor is faint and slow, but it’s still steady. “Can I watch cartoons with you and your mommy? Will that make you feel better?”

  She nods and I scoot in on the other side of her. There’s not much room and I’m half on the bed, one leg having to help prop me up, but I don’t care. Gracie holds my hand and rests her head on my arm. I glance at Darcie, the tears falling down her face. Just then, Kinley peeks into the room, looking as distraught as I feel.

  “Can I come in?” she asks.

  “Of course,” Darcie answers.

  “Gracie, look. Kinley came to see you too,” I tell her. She lifts her head to smile at Kinley, who stands on the other side of me. “We’re watching cartoons,” I say, looking at Kinley. “Grab that chair and move it over here, so you can sit down.” Kinley nods and does that as Gracie rests against me again. I want to talk to her, but I don’t know what to say to her. We do have one thing in common though. “Are you and Tommy going to watch the second game of the season when I play Brody? I’ll make sure I score for you, okay?”

  She lifts her head to smile at me, nodding once. “Thanks.” Her voice is small and raspy, not like the bright little girl voice I’m used to. She seems to find some strength as she slowly keeps talking. “Do you love me, Carson? Mommy says you’re supposed to tell people you love that you love them, so they will know and never forget it. I love you, Carson. Now, you know and you’ll always remember.” Gracie smiles like she’s accomplished something and she has. She’s never said she’s loved me before.

  To have more time to compose myself, I kiss her forehead. “I do love you too, Gracie. So, so much. You’re the best, most awesome, most beautiful girlfriend too.”

  “You’re beautiful too, Carson.” She keeps holding my hand but leans into the comfort of her mother. “I love you, Mommy.”

  “I love you too, Gracie,” she whispers.

  “I love you too, Kinley,” Gracie adds without looking at her.

  “I love you too, Gracie,” Kinley replies with a shaky voice. I reach over and take her hand. She grips it tightly as we fall back into silence to watch cartoons. Hours pass without any more words spoken. The nurses come and check on Gracie, her mother kisses the top of her head every few seconds, and I hold onto her hand.

  The faint heartbeats slow to a stop. Darcie sobs as doctors come in, turn off the machine, and usher Kinley and me out of the room to give her time with her daughter. I kiss her forehead and then Darcie’s before finally leaving. The sweetest soul I’ve ever met is gone. I turn to face Kinley, pull her into a hug, and cry.

  Her shoulders shake and I know mine are too. My fingers dig into her skin with the utter loss I feel. The tears pool in my eyes, falling over rapidly, especially at hearing the cries of Darcie from inside the room. Standing upright as I release Kinley, she reaches up to wipe away my tears before doing the same to her own.

  “Darcie.” That’s all I can manage to say, but Kinley nods in understanding. I go back, wanting to comfort her as much as I can. She’s rocking in the bed, holding Gracie’s little body in her lap. Now that I’m here, I don’t know what to do. Slowly, I walk over and place a hand on Darcie’s shoulder.

  “Carson, pinch me and wake me up,” she mumbles. “My baby is strong. She can’t be gone yet.”

  “She’s not. Gracie is strong. The strongest person I know. And now, she’s laughing, playing, and watching Looney Tunes, and she doesn’t feel bad anymore,” I whisper, hoping like hell that it’s the truth.

  “I can’t leave her yet. I can’t leave my baby.”

  “Okay. You don’t have to leave her.”

  I’m not sure how long I stand there with her or who comes to make us leave. I’m not sure how I walk out into the hallway. I remember Darcie thanking me for all I did for Gracie and for helping them. I tell her to stay in touch, that I will see her soon, and if she ever needs anything to call me. Somehow, I’m able to leave the hospital and make it all the way home.

  My heart’s numb through it all. It’s numb, achy, destroyed, and hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt before. Everything blurs as we change, crawling into bed for the night.

  “Carson?” I shift my head to glance at Kinley. She’s seemingly far away on the other side of the bed because she just laid her phone on the nightstand. The rim of her eyes are red and puffy.

  “C’mere,” I murmur. Kinley scoots over until she’s sitting next to me, leaning against the headboard like I am. The water builds in my eyes again. “Today was the first time Gracie told me she loved me. I loved her too, Kinley. I loved her so much.”

  “I know.” She pulls me into her arms, my forehead resting on her shoulder as I cry freely. “I know you loved her,” she whispers. “I know.” Kinley holds me tightly, rubbing my back.

  Before long, I’m all out of tears. My lips find her neck, kissing her softly. “I’m so glad you’re here, sweetheart. I love you.”

  “There’s nowhere else I rather be, Carson Lee. I love you too.”

  Pulling away, my mind turns to the arrangements that have to be made, the support Darcie will need both emotionally and financially. I study the beautiful woman in front of me, knowing that I’m going to lean on her while somehow managing to be there for Darcie without breaking down. Kinley cups my cheeks and leans forward to place a gentle kiss on my lips.

  “Let’s get some rest, okay?”

  I turn out the light. We sink into the bed as Kinley cuddles against me. “Sweetheart?” I say into the darkness.

  “Yeah?”

  “I’m going to need you these next couple days.”

  She squeezes her arms around my waist. “I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere.”

  Chapter Forty-One

  Kinley

  Carson opens the door, and I walk into a small room of the funeral home. I assumed Darcie had family or friends, but no one’s here. She’s sitting in the first row, staring a
t the small white casket in front of her. A huge bed of red roses lay on half of it, and the white satin shines from the opened part. I know Carson has paid for everything, not that he would admit it.

  Carson walks right over to Darcie, and she sobs in his arms. I can’t bare the thought of losing a child and to lose a spirit like Gracie’s breaks my heart.

  “Carson, thank you,” Darcie manages to get out.

  I know that he can’t say anything. The past few days he’s barely said a word. I don’t know what to say, or how to take the pain away. All I know how to do is to be there for him.

  “Kinley.” Darcie tries to give me a smile, but she’s still crying.

  I hug her tightly and hope that it’s somewhat comforting.

  “Do you want to see her?”

  I hold my breath. I’ve been to funerals but never a child’s. Carson takes Darcie closer to the casket, and I keep a step behind. I hear him sniffle, and I walk up to his other side.

  The beautiful Gracie is in Carson’s jersey, clutching a picture of her, Carson and Darcie. She looks asleep. I pray that I wake up from this dream, and she yells ‘Carson’, but I know she won’t.

  Carson guides her back over to the chairs, and the three of us sit there in silence.

  “You know, Carson,” Darcie’s voice cracks. “That very first day when you met Gracie, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her so happy before. She told everyone you were her ‘boyfriend’. She has kept that smile every day since then. I don’t know how to thank you for giving her so much joy in the few months that you’ve known her.”

  “You don’t have to thank me. It should be the other way around. Gracie changed me, for the good.”

  She lays her head on his shoulder, and he holds my hand. I squeeze his hand and try to show him that I’m there for him. The three of us don’t move, don’t talk, but stare forward. I don’t want to leave Darcie, especially knowing she doesn’t have anyone, but soon, the director of the funeral home comes in and says our time is up.

  “Darcie.” Carson looks at her. “Our time is up, but if you want to stay longer, I can make it happen.”

  She shakes her head. “As much as I don’t want to leave this spot, I know my baby isn’t here anymore.” The tears roll faster down her cheek.

  We go to the casket one more time, silently saying our last goodbye. I walk behind Carson and Darcie as we walk out into the dusk light. The limo Carson rented for Darcie is still waiting as we walk to it.

  “Darcie, you have my number. You call me day or night for anything.” He kisses her forehead, and I watch the tears leave Carson’s eyes.

  She nods. She let’s go of him and hugs me, thanking me for all I’ve done. I feel like shit because I haven’t done anything.

  Carson makes sure she’s in the car and on her way before taking my hand and walking me back to his car. I don’t say anything on the drive back to his house. The music softly plays in the car. I watch the passing buildings and houses, thinking about how much my life has changed.

  I would have never left the biggest opportunity of my career for anyone but my parents, and here I am. I look over at Carson, and I can see the pain all over his face. I want to wrap him up in my arms and take it all away. That’s what you do for the ones you love. You want to save them, be there for them, and make everyday of their lives the best that you can make it.

  When we pull into the driveway, Carson opens my door, and we go into the house. He still isn’t talking as he stalks past me and into his office. I go up to the bedroom, slip off my shoes and dress, wash off my makeup, and put on my pajamas. I know neither of us has eaten, so I go to the kitchen and make a couple of sandwiches.

  When I walk into his office, he’s behind his desk. His head in his hands and a bottle of whiskey is in front of him. I set the plate right next to the alcohol with a bottle of water.

  “I thought you might be hungry.” I turn to leave, but he stops me.

  “How can a four year old little angel change my whole world?”

  “Because she’s meant to.”

  He looks up, and his eyes are puffy and red. “I’ve lost people in my life, and I didn’t even cry for some of them, but I feel like I can’t breathe right now.” The tears streaming down his cheeks cause mine to follow.

  I walk over to him and hug his neck. “I know you don’t want to hear it, but it’ll get better. You’re strong, and you’re stronger right now because of Gracie.”

  He digs his nails into my skin, and I don’t care one bit. “I live in this big house and have stupid shit fucking all around me, but at end of the day, what does it mean? It means I still couldn’t save her.”

  I pull back. “Carson Lee, you gave that little girl something money could never buy. You gave your time, love, and affection. That meant more to her than any shirt or possession.”

  He lays his forehead on mine. “Please stay with me.”

  “I’m not going anywhere.”

  “Did you lose your job?”

  Carson hadn’t asked me that, and the truth is, I don’t know. My boss was beyond pissed at me for leaving everyone at Fashion Week, and I don’t care. He told me to call him in a few days, and I’ll know then.

  “There will always be another job, Carson. Right now, all I care about is you eating that sandwich, taking a hot bath, and going to bed. You need rest. You haven’t slept well, and the season is about to begin.”

  He nods, kisses me fully on the lips, and takes a bite of his food.

  Chapter Forty-Two

  Carson

  Standing on the ice while the national anthem is being sung, my heart is still heavy but determined too. I glance around the arena, knowing that Gracie would have loved the energy and everything about this place. Swallowing hard, I focus on what I do best, one of the things Gracie loved to watch me do.

  Kinley has been my saving grace through it all. I don’t think I would have made it without her. Thankfully, after a full explanation to her boss, he let her keep her job. She dropped everything for me, and I’m going to spend a very long time showing her how grateful I am. Kinley knows I love her, but one day, when we’re both ready, I’m going to give her everything she wants and more. And then, she’ll have to bake me that homemade apple pie she’s always talking about.

  Yesterday, she went with me to the tattoo parlor to get Gracie’s last day tattooed beneath her name. She covered it up with gauze today before the game since it still needs time to heal. I think we both will need a lot of time to heal as well, but it won’t be nearly as hard with Kinley here with me.

  If it wasn’t for everything that’s happened since I met Kinley, then I would still be alone, an ass, and so much worse off. Well, the being an ass part hasn’t really changed, but that’s only because Kinley can handle it and it does make her laugh sometimes.

  There’s an opening and the puck is passed to me. Before I shoot and score, I whisper, “This one’s for you, Gracie.”

  I score one more time throughout the game and we end up winning 2-0. After I change, I walk out to my car where Kinley is leaning against it.

  “You do know that your ass is sitting on a very expensive car, right? It was just washed too.”

  “Really? Well, they did a shitty job.”

  “Maybe next time, you should do it then.”

  “No way in hell am I ever washing your car. However, I would like a refund on my ticket for tonight. See I came to see the great Carson Lee, and he only scored two goals. I thought I’d at least see a hat trick for an opening season game.”

  “Ooh, look who knows what a hat trick is. But you shouldn’t be disappointed.”

  “Why is that?”

  “You’ll get a hat trick because I plan on scoring again when I get home. I didn’t want to show off during the first game, so I saved that for you later.” I pull her to me, kiss her as a hint of what’s to come, and then open the car door for her.

  Epilogue

  Kinley

  “You know, you have a lot of clothe
s for a guy.” I start pushing his clothes further down the closet to make room for my items.

  “I’m fashionable. Sue me.” He sets another box of my shoes down. “I think you could go ahead and open a shoe store.”

  “Carson Lee, don’t mess with a girl’s shoes. That’s grounds for me to leave.” I put my hands on my hips, narrowing my eyes.

  “Leave?” he smiles as he walks closer to me. “If you haven’t noticed, we spent the last four hours moving you in. Do you think I’m ready for you to leave?”

  “Well, it depends if I can fit all my stuff in that closet,” I tease him.

  Carson rolls his eyes. “I’ll have a bigger closet built if it’ll make you happy.”

  I giggle because if I fussed more about it, then he would have it done. It isn’t that big of deal. It’s the fact that I took him up on his offer of moving in at all that’s still shocking to me. He had been on a week-long road trip when he made the suggestion. I assumed he was drinking with the team and was making a joke. It wasn’t until he came back when he said it again.

  And again.

  And again.

  I think he asked me five times before I finally agreed. Even then I had some hesitations. What happens if we’re together all the time and he realizes I’m a little nutty? I don’t think I can take another fail in my life right now.

  I’m exactly where I want to me at LSMP and Carson and I are doing great. If I move in, a lot will change. No matter how much time he spends on the road.

  “I’m glad you’re here, sweetheart.” He wraps his strong arms around my waist. “Are you? It did take you forever to say you would move in.”

  “Carson, what if I do something to screw this up? I’m not the world’s greatest housekeeper or anything like that. This might not be as great as you think. I mean, we could end up breaking up.” I tell him the fears that have been lurking in the back of my head.

  “I’m as likely to screw up as you are, if not more. I have a housekeeper, so I don’t care if you’re messy. I think it will be as great as I think it will be.”