“I’m so sorry, Bodhi. I know you were hoping for a miracle.”
“Not even that. I just wanted a mom. She didn’t have to be perfect, just functional. What I don’t get is why she’d bring me there in the first place. Why not just meet at a restaurant… or even a seedy back alley?”
“I’m just taking a guess but maybe she wanted you to see how she lived, so…”
“I’d give her more money. Dangle my brothers in there to ensure I’ll feel obligated to help out.”
“Hey.” Burrowing against his side, I rested my head on his shoulder. “It’s just a theory – not fact, so don’t take it that way.”
“If she’s using all that money on drugs, then giving her more will only perpetuate the problem. How do I help Evan without adding to her addiction problem? I mean the poor kid has nowhere to turn.”
“Until now.”
“If he’ll even accept my help. He hates me, Breeze.”
Slanting my gaze to his, I stared into his frustrated eyes. Marni had already managed to beat Bodhi down and she’d only had her claws in him for one day.
Evan had to be saved before it was too late.
“He’s sixteen years old, living in a drug den and dreaming of being kidnapped by a guy named Eddie. Trust me, he’ll accept your help.”
* * *
Bodhi and I stepped out of the SUV in front of the most glamorous hotel I’d ever laid eyes on. I wished someone had warned me of its splendor before I’d dressed in blue jeans and cowboy booties for my walk through the lobby.
Although, who was I kidding? Tucked under Bodhi Beckett’s arm, no one would bother to spare me a second glance.
As we stepped off the elevator, wandering hand in hand toward our palatial suite, Tucker’s imposing frame came into view. Bodhi’s gaze dipped to the keycard in his father’s hand and he groaned.
“What?” I whispered.
“Nothing, it’s just… he’s not allowed to have a key to my room. I’ve been over this with him before. The man just doesn’t respect boundaries.”
Tucker eyes locked onto Bodhi with a pleading kind of intensity.
“How did it go?” he asked, as hopeful as one could be when dealing with the aftermath of a train wreck.
Bodhi flinched, and Tucker’s shoulders drooped. “That bad?”
“Worse.”
No gloating. No ‘I told you so’s’. Instead, Tucker squeezed Bodhi’s shoulder sympathetically. “I’m sorry.”
Bodhi nodded. It was an awkward exchange, but encouraging nonetheless.
Tucker plastered on a fake smile. “I think I can make your evening a little better.” And like a blackjack dealer, he flipped the keycard around with deft fingers, offering it to his son.
Bodhi blinked at the piece of plastic before settling his wary gaze on his father. “Goddammit. Have you been in my room?”
“I have but, hear me out, it was for a good cause. Don’t worry, it’s the last time I’ll let myself in your room.”
“The last time should have been the last time,” Bodhi grumbled.
Ignoring the outburst, Tucker nudged the key in in our direction. “You and Breeze have had a rough few days and I wanted to do something special for you, especially since you didn’t get that camping trip you were both hoping for. Take the key. I promise you won’t be disappointed.”
Father and son stared each other down, but Bodhi was the one to finally cave, snatching the card from his father with a terse ‘thanks’.
Much to my surprise, Tucker gave me a quick side hug. “Nice to see my kid has such good taste in women. Have a great night you two.”
Without waiting for a reply, he turned on his heel and walked away.
“Well, that was weird,” Bodhi said, scratching the patch of scruff on his jaw.
“Not really. You do have great taste in women.”
“I know I do, but I wasn’t talking about that. I’m just not used to him caring what I think. I need this whole day to end.”
I grabbed the keycard from his hand. “Not before I see the surprise. What do you suppose it is?”
“I don’t know. As long as it’s not a clown, I’m good.”
“Or spiders.”
“You think he’d fill our room with spiders just to surprise us?” Bodhi asked, laughing. “That’s messed up.”
“You think he’d fill it with clowns?”
Bodhi grabbed me from behind and lifted me from the ground. “You’re such a lively cowgirl.” His lips found the curve of my neck and I squealed my approval. This was bad, really bad. I needed to dial down the flirty behavior. It was just too easy with him. Too natural. But, of course, I knew it was absolutely criminal to encourage such behavior when, by the end of the night, Bodhi and I would be no more.
Just a little extra time, that was all I was asking for. Just a little more of his hands up my… no! Focus. Wiggling free, I yanked down my shirt, dislodging his wandering fingers, before playfully shoving Bodhi away from the door. “Move it! I’ve got to see this surprise. Something tells me your dad doesn’t do anything half-assed.”
And I was right. I pushed through the door with Bodhi on my heels and stopped dead in my tracks. Right smack dab in the middle of the luxury suite sat a camping tent.
“You’ve got to be kidding.” Bodhi breathed.
Even for a pampered popstar, this was a special treat, and not anything like the camping I was used to. No clingy dirt or sticky marshmallow residue. No sleeping bags. And best of, no ant trails or late night dances to the public restrooms.
Bodhi took my hand and we ducked inside the canvas teepee where a plush queen-sized bed waited, made up with Egyptian cotton sheets. And past that, the flap on the back was pulled aside, revealing an oval shaped Jacuzzi bathtub with candles lining the ledge
“Wow,” Bodhi said as he peeked his head out the back. “You gotta see this.”
To my amazement, the patio had been done up like a campsite, with a wood burning fire pit. Unlike the raging inferno we’d survived, these flames were submissive and firmly under control. Yet, that didn’t stop my pulse from quickening as the memories flooded back. Bodhi seemed to sense my fear and, lifting my chin, he rested his forehead against mine.
“It’s all right, Breeze. Just breathe.”
Tears slipped down my cheeks at the irony. We’d started with fire, and now we’d end with it as well. Except I didn’t want it to end. Not ever.
Wrapping my arms around his waist, I held him tighter than I think I’d ever held anyone before. Surviving the fire had reworked our wiring, forged a connection that transcended the physical. And even though I’d made the decision to say goodbye, I wondered if we’d ever truly be separated.
“Look,” he whispered, and I followed his gaze to the vastness of the ocean. Water as far as the eye could see, shimmering gold and silver beneath the low hanging moon. I’d lived a stone’s throw from the Pacific Ocean my whole life and never seen it so tranquil. It was as if the universe was conspiring against me. Whispering promises of forever, when forever wasn’t meant to be.
“Tucker thought of everything.” Bodhi broke the quiet reflection. “He even dropped off my guitar so I can woo you with my music.”
My heart sank. Now I had to listen to him sing, that melodic voice that had worked its way into my soul.
I might as well give up now. Maybe it was best to just enjoy tonight and deal with the tough stuff in the morning. One more idyllic night with the man of my dreams and then the sun would rise and it would be Thursday. My favorite day. Only it wouldn’t be. Not ever again. Not after I broke us to pieces.
Sinking into the oversized chair on the spacious patio, I wiped away the last of my tears and made peace with the hypnotic flames dancing before me while Bodhi tuned his guitar.
Slotting his thumb on the neck, he cradled the instrument against his body like a father would his child. Did Bodhi want kids someday? And who would they call mommy?
As the music floated to my ears, I let my hea
d fall back. But then Bodhi began to sing, effortlessly drawing my gaze. He didn’t notice, fingers gliding over the strings and eyes shut tight. Music healed him, righted all the wrongs. Even though I couldn’t survive in his musical world, he belonged there. And I’d rather leave him than ask him to give it up.
A sweet melody drifted through the night sky and I melted in my seat, smiling at the familiar chorus.
“The song from the car,” I said softly. “I love this one.”
He nodded without missing a beat. And in that moment, I knew he was a talent far beyond the world his father had created for him.
I could see him in a smoky bar, on a small stage, with just his guitar. In my mind, I was there too, sitting in the first chair below the microphone, cheering him on.
That’s how I envisioned life with Bodhi. Him and me and music. In a perfect world, that could be us. But if today had proven anything, it was that perfection was impossible to find.
Bodhi played two more songs before propping his guitar against the sliding glass door and squeezing into the space beside me. Once he’d rearranged me so I was partially on his lap, I settled in and laid my head on his chest. “Who’s the girl from the song?”
Bodhi lazily rolled strands of my hair through his hands. “Her name is Beth.”
“Are you still in love with her?”
A hum low in his chest vibrated against my ear. “I was never in love with her. It’s not a romantic song.”
“I beg to differ. It gives me chills every time.”
“You heard what you wanted to hear, Breeze. The song isn’t about a lost love. It’s about someone who I loved and lost. There’s a difference.”
“Okay, then who is she?”
“Beth was my nanny, but I kind of thought of her like a mother. She was with me for a few years during my childhood.”
“Did she die?”
“No. My dad fired her. One day she was there, the next she was gone. This guitar, it was a gift from her. It once belonged to her soldier husband who died a few months before she came to live with us. She’s the one who gave me my love of music. You know how sometimes you meet a person who makes such an impact on your life that it changes who you are forever? Well, that was Beth. I was so young and impressionable when she left. It just decimated me – left me distrustful of women in general. That’s the reason I only had nickels.”
“Until me,” I whispered, my heart grinding to a halt.
“Yes, until you.”
Bodhi’s fingers sank into my hair and, with a gentle tug, he tilted my face to his. And then his mouth was on mine, tongue sweeping in. Teasing. Tasting. He deepened the kiss, and I cupped his cheeks, holding onto this moment. This perfection. But we weren’t perfect. And tomorrow it would all end. But tonight, if I held on, kept us locked together, maybe…
Breaking the connection, Bodhi’s lips moved down my fevered skin, past my jaw to my neck. And lower.
I guided his mouth back to mine for another searing kiss. Because in the end, that’s what I’d miss most, taking his breath as my own. And when I was all full up, and I couldn’t take any more, I found the strength to gently push him away.
“Stop.”
It was a plea from the depths of my soul.
Stop. Please stop.
Tipping back, he looked down at me with unfocused eyes and lips swollen from our kisses. Our goodbye.
“What’s wrong?”
Everything.
My fingers followed my gaze to his mouth—I’d miss this mouth—and then up to those beautiful blue orbs. An endless sky. And I could almost see tomorrow. Just not mine.
And then I smiled. Because that’s what I wanted him to remember.
Always remember.
“We have to talk.”
* * *
It felt like the walk of shame. But instead of Bodhi kicking me out, I’d done the deed myself. There was no point in staying any longer. I’d said what needed to be said and there was nothing more to do but leave.
I couldn’t remember all the words, the tiny truths that tore us apart, but each one felt like I’d buried a knife deep in Bodhi’s heart. Even the apology that followed seemed to bring him pain.
And then the anger. I saw it there too, along with the shock.
“It’s not your fault.”
But he didn’t believe me. And how could I blame him? Bodhi had spent his life being left behind. How could I explain that this was for the best? A clean break. Someday he’d thank me. But not now.
Tucked inside the taxi, tears raced down my cheeks, blurring my vision. Like the fire, we’d burned hot. But now a chill settled deep in my bones. And I wondered if I’d ever feel warm again.
“Up there on the left,” I instructed the driver, swiping the tears dripping from my chin.
“The one with the Maserati in the driveway?”
“No, the next one.”
“Ah, the one with the lion statues.”
“No, the one that looks like it was spit out of a time capsule.”
The driver had no trouble pinpointing the correct house after that. I was relieved to see no one but my parents standing in the yard. Whatever had happened to Bodhi’s fan club, I’m glad they were gone.
A sob wracked my body as I stepped out of the taxi. And then I was running, straight into the arms of the man who’d shaped me into the person I was today.
“Come here, sweetheart.”
I melted in my step-father’s embrace. But didn’t feel the usual warmth. Only safety. And that would have to be enough.
For now.
25
Bodhi: On Repeat
Papers littered the floor, pages of lyrics on hotel notepads. Scattered thoughts in the margin of the complimentary newspaper. Even the back of the room service menu wasn’t spared. And when I’d run out of room, I’d taken to writing on my skin. Her brutal words, memorialized on my flesh and etched into my brain for posterity.
“I think I’m falling in love with you, Bodhi. Only you. The other part of your life I just don’t think….”
She’d stopped then, the rest of her thoughts trapped behind tight lips. But she wasn’t finished.
“Maybe we can try again when we’re both in different places in our lives.”
And the dreaded, “I hope we can still be friends.”
Hell no, I wouldn’t be her fire buddy, the guy she was content to see a couple of times a year in a public place. I didn’t do friend zone. And no thank you to being her safety net somewhere down the road. If I wasn’t good enough now, she couldn’t have me as a last resort.
Defeated. That was where I stood now, but I’d gone through the spectrum of emotions since she’d left. Anger. Frustration. Embarrassment. I looked around at the mess inspired by Breeze’s fear. Her refusal to consider a life with me. Hell, not even a life. Just a day. One more day. Maybe if I called her and told her that.
Maybe…
No. Because the things that scared her, they were part of me. My fame. My music. The life I was born to lead. Where did I go from here? I couldn’t just flick a switch and turn it all off.
And did I want to?
It didn’t matter. There was no ultimatum. No choice. She’d taken the decision out of my hands by removing herself from the equation altogether.
I see you.
That was what she’d said the first day we’d spent together. And I’d believed her. Trusted in the fact that when I was at my lowest, stripped down to my very core, she’d see me.
And maybe that was the problem. She did see me. And she couldn’t handle it.
Breeze didn’t want to be my sidekick, following me around while I chased my dreams. How could I fault her? Why would she be content to be a bit player, when she was bright like a star?
Still, plenty of people dealt with issues like this. Maybe not on such a grand scale, but we could have worked out a compromise. If she’d been having misgivings about my life, at least we could have tried to talk it out.
Not that
it would have mattered. Breeze had made her choice long before coming to the suite. I hadn’t even been given the option to fight for her, and that’s what pissed me off the most.
Another rejection.
First my mother. Then Beth. And now Breeze.
I had it all—fame, money, talent—but the thing I craved most always seemed just beyond my reach.
Suddenly, I couldn’t wait to get back to the life Breeze hated. Maybe it wasn’t what she considered ideal, but it was mine and I wouldn’t make excuses for it.
Ducking into the tent, I rolled my exhausted body onto the mattress and closed my eyes on the day I wished had never been.
* * *
Sleep provided no relief. I tossed and turned for hours, nightmares tormenting my subconscious mind. A patchwork of traumas. Dogs nipping at my ankles. Fangirls carrying Breeze away.
And the fire.
More than once I’d slipped beneath the veil, only to come to with a start, flames licking my skin.
I hadn’t had one distressing dream until now—the night her warm, honeyed body wasn’t pressed up against mine. Breeze was my security blanket. The reason I wanted to wake up in the morning and smile. Reaching over, I touched cool sheets where Breeze should have been.
If that’s how she wanted to play it, fine.
I had stadiums full of admirers ready and willing to take her place. Women who were comfortable in the spotlight and would proudly stand by my side even when things got a little hairy. My nickels. They’d been there since the start. Did it really matter that they’d fallen in love with the character I played on stage?
I grimaced, sullen.
Yeah, it mattered.
I wanted my dime. Breeze. The woman who, in only a few days’ time, knew me better than anyone before her… and I’d just let her walk out of my life.
I could no longer deny the similarities between Breeze and Beth -not only in their impassioned energy and blinding light, but also in their dual, crushing abandonments. Both had claimed to love me – no, both had loved me. That much I was certain of, yet both had left for reasons beyond my control.
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