by J M Wolf
I tilted my head in confusion. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, are you going to try getting to know the man?”
“I don’t know, to be honest,” I said hesitantly.
“Why not?”
Yeah, why not? that little voice in the back of my head asked me.
How about because I am attracted to the man when I shouldn’t be? Because I was lusting after my father’s boyfriend? Because I worried that if I got to know Gerard, my heart would grow attached to him, and if it did and I found the courage to ask him out, I feared for the obvious rejection that would come. There was no way Gerard would be interested in his lover’s twenty-one-year-old son with a shit ton of baggage.
“I don’t…” I tried responding, but had no idea where I was going with it.
“I think your father would want the two most important men in his life to become friends, wouldn’t you think?” Patricia asked with an impish grin.
Damn the woman!
I sighed in defeat. “Fiiine, I’ll try to talk with Gerard. Happy?”
“Good boy.”
Everything told me this was the first ingredient for the ultimate recipe for disaster, but what could I do? Patricia had a point. My dad would’ve wanted Gerard and I to get along, and since he would be staying at the house for the next two weeks it wasn’t like I could avoid him. I’d just have to keep my attraction for him in check. Easier said than done, because now it was time for me to head home. Home, where Gerard would be.
Gerard
Jace was not okay, that much I knew for a fact. When he turned to face me before walking out of the house to the farmers’ market, I was given another glance at the distress written in his beautiful blue eyes. When we were up close, I got a good look at them, and saw what Desiree meant when she said Jace had been distant. His eyes showed the distance. They were dull, lifeless; empty. It was like he was there, but not at the same time, and my heart dropped at the sight of the young man slowly dying on the inside.
I turned to Desiree. “I see what you’re talking about when you told me about Jace.”
Desiree nodded in confirmation. “It worries me, a lot. I feel useless.”
“How long as he been like that?”
Desiree sighed. “Pretty much since that day we got the call about Riley. Right when we heard the news that he’d died, Jace slowly began to shut down. Everybody in town who loves him has tried reaching out to him, but to no avail. He’s refused to talk to anyone about what he’s really feeling. He just says he’s fine and moves on. Of course, we all know better.”
I knew that path all too well. I was just like Jace when Desiree told me the news. I wore a mask that hid my pain for months until I couldn’t any longer. For Jace, I knew it had to be worse than mine. While I only lost a boyfriend, Jace lost a father, and Desiree lost her brother.
The fact that Jace was still bottling his emotions after a year was unsettling, and it downright terrified me. There was only so much you could keep to yourself before it all came out into a clusterfuck of emotions and heartaches. My breaking point was bad. Five months of pretending I was alright resulted in a bar fight, broken beer bottles, and me drunk and crying after midnight near the ocean where I wanted the waves to take me. If I was like that after nearly a half a year later, I couldn’t imagine what his breakdown would look like.
“Riley used to tell me how close he and Jace were,” I said softly.
“Oh, you have no idea,” Desiree replied. “When Jace’s mother left when he was nine, Riley spent as much time with him as he could so Jace would never feel alone. While yes, they were father and son they were also best friends. It was always Riley and Jace against the world. Jace still had me and his godmother, so over time he got over Lucille leaving. As long as Riley was around, Jace was okay.”
“And now with Riley gone,” I let my voice trail off, not bearing to finish my statement.
Desiree finished it for me, “Now with Riley gone, Jace has completely closed himself off from the world, refusing to go out and enjoy life. It’s like he’s just given up on living.”
A new sense of sorrow began to fill me, but this time, it was for Jace. With both of his parents gone, he must’ve felt alone in the world. In some ways, I understood how he felt. Both of my parents were still alive, but given their distaste for me, they might as well have been dead too. They always looked at me like I was garbage, but when Riley looked at me and I saw the love he had for me in his gaze; I was okay.
“I’m sorry. I wish there was something I could do for Jace,” I said.
“I do too. But for now, all we can do is be patient, I guess. If we try pushing too hard, he’ll only distance himself more.”
Unfortunately, Desiree was right. This was a sore subject that needed to be handled gently. I barely know the young man, but I already knew that I wanted to help him cope with his loss. We were both missing the same man after all. We both loved Riley. Maybe if I got to know him and got him to confide in me, getting him to talk about what he’s really feeling would come easier. Maybe.
“I’ll do anything I can to help,” I said.
“Thank you, Gerard. I appreciate that.” Desiree smiled as she reached out to squeeze my bicep. “Now let me give you the grand tour and afterward I’ll show you to your room.”
Desiree began showing me the house before leading me up the stairs and into the first room on the right, which would be the room I’d be staying in. It was a nice size room with a queen-sized bed, maroon comforters, and a large dresser with a flat screen on top. I brought my suitcase up to the room leaving the door open as I unpacked my stuff. Once settled, I sat at the edge of the bed and pulled out my wallet. Opening it up, I took out the small photo I always kept in there and gave it a glance. It was a picture of Riley and I overseas in full uniform. We were huddled together arms around each other’s shoulders smiling for the camera. Riley gave it to me during his time in Florida with me with a message written on the back. I turned the photo around to read it.
Thank you for this second chance of happiness.
— With love, Riley
My heart ached once again at the reminder that I no longer had Riley in my life. My thoughts then went to his son, and the pain intensified. The stunning young man who was the spitting image of his father. The same young man who was now feeling the same agony I went through. What the fuck am I going to do about Jace?
He was a young adult who seemed to have a good head on his shoulders, but was so heavily guarded it was hard to make heads or tails of him. Then there was that electric connection between us. I wasn’t sure what to make of that. It almost felt like there was a connection between Jace and me, but what kind of connection? The only thing that tied us together was a man that was now six feet under. Maybe there was something I was missing.
I glanced back down at the picture in my hand and felt the tears that threatened to fall. “Riley, you shouldn’t have been taken from us. You left behind so many people who love you.” Biting my lower lip, I willed the emotions back. “I miss you so much, baby. I’m lost without you. I need you. Your son needs you.”
A knock on the door snapped me out of my daze, and I looked up to see Desiree staring back at me with all-knowing eyes. “I was just checking to see how you were holding up.”
I shrugged. “As good as I can be. I’m better than I was last year, but you never really get over losing someone.”
“No, you don’t,” Desiree said in agreement then sat down next to me on the bed and tilted her chin toward the photo in my hands. “Is that a picture of you guys?”
Looking away, I nodded.
“May I see it?”
I nodded and handed her the photo.
“You guys looked so handsome in this picture,” she said with a smile.
I grinned. “I take this picture everywhere with me. I never let it out of my sight. Riley’s words written on the back were always my biggest inspiration.”
Desiree turned the picture to read the
back of it. “You truly were his second chance at happiness, Gerard. When I found out about you and demanded Riley to tell me everything, I saw something from him that I hadn’t seen in so long. He was happy and glowing.”
I stared at her with furrowed brows. “What do you mean?”
“It was during his last R&R when he left a week early to spend it with you,” Desiree said. “I overheard him talking to you on the phone one night and noticed the conversation was…intimate.”
My cheeks colored, and I felt embarrassed at the thought of Desiree overhearing one of mine and Riley’s many provocative talks that usually ended up with us jacking off while on the phone until we both cried out our release. They usually ended with us being anxious to do it again in person. Hence Riley surprising me in Florida.
“The next morning, I confronted Riley on it, but he tried to deny everything. That only lasted about two seconds, and then he told me all about you. Like I said he glowed when he mentioned you. You were his whole world, Gerard. He felt you were the answer to his prayers.”
I felt my eyes sting at Desiree’s last statement. I tried my hardest to fight back the tears threatening to come loose as my hands balled into fists to keep them from shaking, but one drop managed to break through and was sliding down my cheek.
Desiree reached out and placed a smooth hand on my upper arm. I looked up to see her pain-stricken face staring back at me. While I may have lost my boyfriend, Desiree lost her brother. Her nephew lost his father. She had more reason to cry than I did.
“I loved him, Desiree. I loved him so fucking much,” I croaked out.
Desiree let out a small smile as she gripped my arm. “And he loved you with all he had.”
I couldn’t contain it any longer. I couldn’t contain the sobs wanting to escape as the stab in my heart intensified. I covered my eyes with my free hand as I let my tears fall. I felt Desiree reach forward and wrapped her arms around me. I hugged her back as I sobbed in her shoulder, and she cried as well. I didn’t have anybody to cry to when Riley died, and that was part of my problem. I didn’t have anyone who would comfort me, and now I did.
It was around nine p.m. and I sat at the dining room table waiting for Jace to get home. Desiree told me he usually came home late in the evening, but rarely this late. It had me worried and I debated if I should go out and try looking for him. I barely knew the area, but I’d still be able to spot him if I saw him.
After Desiree and I cried in my room, we both felt too emotionally drained to do much of anything. Desiree insisted on ordering pizza, and I offered to pay for it. When the pizza arrived, we sat in the living room watching movies on Netflix and making small talk. Around eight-thirty, Desiree told me she had to turn in for the night because she had an early shift in the beauty shop she worked at. I told her goodnight and that I’d make sure Jace ate when he got home.
So, I sat patiently alone with a cup of coffee and my own thoughts. I didn’t know what I was going to do or say when Jace walked in the house. Really, I wanted to get to know him. I spent so much time hearing about him from Riley that I wanted to get to know the young musician himself. Riley was proud of his son, that was for damn sure. Jace attended Juilliard. How could you not be proud of that? I’d shout it from the rooftop if that was my kid.
I also wanted to see if there was a way I could help him. I didn’t like knowing he’d kept his emotions to himself for all that time. Had he even let himself cry when he found out? How bad were his feelings contained? Would I be overstepping my boundaries? I was still practically a stranger to Jace, so I more than likely had no right sticking my nose in his business. I just couldn’t stand around knowing that Riley’s only child was internally suffering.
The sound of the front door unlocking caught my attention. With a turn of the knob, the door slowly swung open and I saw Jace stepping in. He briefly turned around to close and lock the door then turned back when his gaze met mine and jumped in surprise.
“Jesus, you scared me,” Jace gasped clutching his heart.
“Sorry, I was just waiting up for you,” I said. I felt bad for spooking him. Hell, I would’ve freaked out too. A strange man in his house in the dark with the only light being the one above the kitchen sink. “Your aunt was worried since you were running late, so I told her I’d wait up for you.”
“Oh,” Jace said softly. “Sorry about that. After work I went to hike up the Creeper Trail and lost track of time.”
“The Creeper Trail?”
Jace nodded. “Yeah. It’s this hiking trail that used to be a railway station. It’s pretty popular with tourists and hikers. Anyways, I hike the trail sometimes. I actually work for a bike rental near the trail.”
“So, you work at the farmers’ market and at a bike rental? When do you have time off?”
Jace dropped his gaze. “I don’t have time off. I work every day.”
I wanted to ask him why that was, but I had a sneaking suspicion what the reason was. If you couldn’t handle a problem in your life, it was best to distract yourself. I had a hunch Jace worked himself so much to avoid thinking about his father’s death.
“Would you like some coffee? Freshly made,” I asked standing up from my seat. “Your aunt and I ordered pizza too if you’re hungry.”
“Coffee sounds good,” Jace replied striding toward the kitchen and inspecting the pizza boxes.
While I fixed his coffee, Jace grabbed a plate from the cabinet to the right of the sink and filled it with two slices of pepperoni pizza, then put it in the microwave to heat them up. While Jace waited for his food, I set his cup down on the table then gave him another glance. He truly was very handsome and looked so much like his dad it almost hurt.
Jace seemed to have a gentle soul. I wondered what he was like before he lost his father. What he looked like when he was happy and enjoyed life. What was he like playing music? Did he still play music? Was he dating anybody? Riley mentioned that Jace was gay too, but never mentioned him having someone of his own.
Jace pulled his plate out then sat in front of me at the table. We drank our coffee and Jace at his slices of pizza in silence for a few moments. The air was filled with awkwardness which hung in the room. It felt wrong to be there, in Abingdon, in that house, with Jace, without Riley at my side. I felt out of place. I knew Jace was probably feeling the same way, having me in the picture without his dad.
“So how was work?” I asked trying to make light conversation.
“It was okay.” Short and brief.
I should’ve expected that. There was no way to get past the elephant in the room.
“Okay, look,” I sighed giving up. “I’m sorry if me being here stirs up any bad feelings.”
Jace finally met my eyes with his tilting his head in confusion. “What are you talking about?”
“You know, being here without your…your dad.”
Jace dropped his gaze setting down on his plate the slice of pizza he was eating. “You don’t need to be sorry. I mean, it’s not your fault.”
“I appreciate that, Bluejay. I just wish…” My throat tightened before I could finish, but luckily Jace seemed to understand what I was going to say.
“I know. I wish he was here too,” Jace whispered.
“He loved you very much, you know. He always gloated about you.”
That caused Jace’s lips to curl up some. It wasn’t a full smile, but it was still a sweet sight. “He did?”
“Yeah. Even before we started seeing each other he would always mention you.”
“He did that a lot. Talked nonstop about the people he loved,” Jace said sheepishly.
My heart tugged at that. Desiree mentioned how Riley talked nonstop about me to her the same way he did about Jace and even Desiree to me. He truly loved his sister and son, and me.
“Oh, congratulations on making it to Juilliard. I remember your father telling me about that. It must be a huge honor.”
Jace’s face went deathly pale, and I briefly wondered if I said a
nything wrong.
“Um, thanks.” Jace said quietly. “I-It was a great honor.”
“I bet it was. You must be a Hell of a musician,” I said more cautiously.
Not meeting my eyes, Jace nodded then stood up taking his half-eaten plate and coffee to the kitchen.
“Jace, is something wrong?” I asked worriedly.
Jace turned and tried his best to be a reassuring smile but it didn’t reach his eyes. The all too familiar smile that made others believe you were okay, but you weren’t. “I’m fine. I’m just not very hungry. I’m going to turn in for the night.”
Jace emptied his plate and put it and his coffee in the dishwasher before reaching the steps.
“Jace, wait,” I called out as I quickly caught up to him and reached out grabbing his wrist.
Jace gasped and winced as if he were bracing himself to be attacked. The move pained me, and I removed my hand.
“Bluejay, if I said anything wrong, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
Jace took a moment to collect himself then turned to face me, again with that fake smile. “You didn’t. I’m just tired is all.”
“Then why did you look so distraught when I brought up Juilliard and your music?” I knew it probably wasn’t right of me to ask, but I couldn’t stop myself.
Jace took a long breath before saying, “Because I quit music.”
I stilled at that confession, and did nothing as Jace turned back and went upstairs to his room.
Jace
I couldn’t stop my body from shuddering as soon as I made it to my bedroom closing the door behind me. I curled up in my bed hugging my knees and focused on trying to steady my breathing. I knew Gerard was only trying to praise me for my so-called success, but the reminder of Juilliard and my music only brought back the haunting memories of my days at the school. It’d been close to two years since I dropped out and left it and Brett behind.
I was such a coward then. How many times had I wished things could’ve ended differently? That I could’ve said no to Brett when he invited me over to his apartment to practice. That I should’ve walked away the minute he started getting sexual with me. How many times had I wished I had enough balls to go to the Dean and notify him that one of his professors was not only sleeping with a student, me, but said professor was also abusing said student?
